Now that federal prosecutors are attaching snappy little personal impressions of their targets to their formerly dry decisions whether to pursue charges or not against the people they investigate, we can look forward to future reports chock-full of juicy details about their target’s behavior while being grilled.
It’s too bad the Justice Department has already wrapped up its investigation of Mike Pence, for example, exonerating him without talking any smack. Details like “Continually checked doors and screens in his home during the course of the interview to insure no trespassing insects would get stuck in his hair gel,” and “Seemed very distracted by a video of high school boy’s wrestling tournament playing on his TV, and even muttered ‘Their childish hands must get so slippery’ at one point, while moaning audibly,” would not have any relevance as to whether Pence held on to top secret documents deliberately, but would have provided much-needed titillation to an otherwise dry exoneration.
But the big one is yet to come. If Trump ever sits for an interview with Jack Smith's team about his hoarding of classified documents, the template for that interview has been set. Here’s a plausible prosecutor’s report:
“Subject smelled vaguely of congealing feces, and tugged at what seemed to be an adult incontinence garment during the course of the questioning. Answered several questions regarding storage and movement of classified documents in his possession with the phrase ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV.’ Offered to stop interview and identify animal shapes any time we wanted to. Was particularly confident about his ability to recognize whales.
“Repeatedly asked why we weren’t questioning Nancy Pelosi, whom he claimed he had seen hanging around his pool. When shown a photo lineup including Ms. Pelosi, however, he couldn’t identify her, instead pointing to a photo of the deceased Israeli Prime Minister, Golda Meir.
“When questioned about his children’s activities, he said of his son, Trump Jr., that ‘if that little bitch ever testifies against me, he’ll end up poaching deer in the Pennsylvania woods for food.’ When Eric was mentioned to him, he said he was tired of hiring limos to drive Eric around, and just wished the boy would some day pass his driver’s test. He did not seem to recall Ivanka at all—when shown a picture of her, he simply said, ‘She’s hot.”
“Overall, subject seemed like the type of person who, if he hadn’t been handed half a million by his father, would probably be living in a rented trailer in a Florida swamp, wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap at all times to conceal his baldness, sitting on his tiny metal porch with a shotgun across his lap in order to blast any frogs that hopped onto his property, while yelling ‘Get offa my lawn,’ at the doomed amphibians.”
The precedent has been set, people. I just hope Smith follows it.