Nobody in the White House will admit this, naturally. Their story is that Soleimani had his head surgically blown off by a precision missile strike because he was planning attacks against Americans. Yes, he was. That was his job, and he no doubt expected some day to be abruptly killed for it, but the timing of it is as suspect as an email from Nigeria.
First off, the Quds Force is still around. If they want to carry out plans to kill Americans, they have thousands of fighters remaining to do so. Even Trump doesn’t believe that they’re all going to quit and start looking for jobs in retail just because Soleimani is dead.
The other reason given for Soleimani’s explosive dispatching to Hell is that one of the under-militias he managed had just killed an American contractor. Trump chilling the Quds Force commander sends a message reverberating throughout the world—if you’re a Washington Post reporter and you get fed into a wood chipper by Trump’s Saudi buds, you’re good. And if you keep an American citizen in captivity for no good reason for years, and then release him a week before he dies of cancer, Trump will exchange love letters with you. But if you work for Halliburton, Trump’s got your back.
The problem with killing just Soleimani is that the American public never heard of him, just like they never heard of the ISIS guy Trump laid waste to last year when the impeachment train started picking up speed. Abū Bakr al-Baghdadi al-Qurashi? Remember him? Of course, you don’t. I had to Google him.
The problem with Trump killing random Muslim murderers in order to take the impeachment heat off himself is that there are very few terrorists really well-known to the man in the street, and the biggest A-lister in the terrorist field was killed on the orders of Trump’s least favorite President back in 2011. I’m sure there’s rumors on 8chan that Osama is still alive. Don’t be surprised if Trump starts re-Tweeting them. Bin Laden’s the guy he really needs to kill. That ought to put impeachment to rest until at least after St. Patrick’s Day.
The guess here, though, is that Osama will remain dead. Who is next on Trump’s hit list? Nothing like a string of international murders to keep people from reading those dull emails about how hard he was planning to screw Ukraine. In no particular order:
PRINCE ANDREW. Keeps him from flapping his royal mouth about your teenage girl habit. Can’t count on him taking the Epstein route.
HILLARY. Before she kills you.
TRUDEAU. Your wife will never look at him that way again.
HUNTER BIDEN. And make it look like his dad did it.
THAT ALEXANDRIA OCCASIONALLY-CORTEZ PERSON. Before she turns us into Venezuela.
PETE BUTTIGIEG. Because he’s a smarmy little gay bastard who didn’t bone-spur his way out of military service.
PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. Good for more points with Putin!
GEORGE CONWAY. Nobody would miss him, especially Kellyanne.
THE WHISTLEBLOWER: This one would just feel so good.
ANY REPUBLICAN SENATOR THAT SEEMS TO GETTING A LITTLE SQUISHY ABOUT IGNORING ALL THE EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU AND ACQUITTING YOU AT YOUR TRIAL.
You listening, Mitt?