We’ve all heard of that guy that served his wife legal papers right after she got out of surgery, (He’s Newt Gingrich, by the way) but that guy is a relationship mastermind compared to Trump. And we’ve all heard stories of that ex-President who just goes batshit when his former finds a new guy, especially a nice older guy who promises to treat her like she deserves to be treated, with respect, dignity, and lots of free vaccine. Trump is deathly afraid that America will love the way Joe Biden kisses its hair. He may very well go full Fatal Attraction, and the pet rabbit that’s getting boiled is us. He's still got 23 days to turn on the stove.
But even signing the Covid relief bill at the midnight hour, putting a little show-biz drama into the act, has its downside. It means Trump will be demanding praise, gratitude and recognition of his extraordinary Presidenting abilities again, just for letting twenty million or so Americans continue to be able to keep eating food and living indoors.
No matter how it turns out, by Tuesday his pardoning pen will be out again, and the baby-killers and blackmailers of America will be crying out for his mercy. Not to mention his family and friends (Of course, there’s some overlap). And his own fat ass goes without saying—he’ll write that one out as quick as an eighth-grader who’s stayed up all night playing video games can forge a sick note.
Kyle Rittenhouse, that puppy-eyed teenage murderer of leftist demonstrators currently out on bail? Trump would love to, but murder is a state crime. Ditto the cop that killed George Floyd. I’m sure Trump would love to make cops killing unarmed minority people always more or less justifiable as part of his Presidential legacy, but those pesky state statutes keep getting in the way.
But there’s one guy who could use a great big forgiving Presidential hug right how, and that’s Vladimir Putin. Putin’s done a lot of things he could try wangling a pardon for, like invading other countries, shooting down unarmed airliners, and killing anybody who bad-mouths him. Trump couldn’t pardon him for all of that, but he could pardon him for hacking into what seems to be about every computer network in America right now.
Yep, the Russians have broken into our Internet, stolen as many secrets as they could fit in their satchels, and Trump is acting as nonchalantly as if Putin merely forgot to flush the toilet at Mar al Lago after a heavy lunch. A full-fledged pardon can’t be far behind.
I’m not kidding. When you check your bank account and it’s suddenly full of rubles instead of dollars, don’t be surprised. When Alexa and Siri start sounding like Natasha from Rocky the Flying Squirrel, don’t say you didn’t hear it here first. I’m a little paranoid, sure. Probably some bored apparatchik is following every letter of this as I type it, and thinking “Nobody pays attention to zis guy. We not going to bother poisoning his underwear.”
But I’m not taking any chances. I roll commando from now on.