“After making certain we have honored human life by giving Alabama women the joy of birthing their rapist’s or step-daddies’ babies, we need to focus on the other side of the reproductive coin—the sperm rights of our male citizens,” said one of its Republican members, who wished to remain anonymous because the pending bill has not been finalized. “An Alabama male has an average of a hundred million sperm in his testes at any time—that’s one hundred million one-half fetuses. If a blastocyst has all the rights of a born human, how can we ignore the rights of the potential ½ human that God might make out of that sturdy little wiggler?
“Just as any pregnant woman carrying merely one baby should be able to use the car-pool lane in Alabama, any male with at least one testicle remaining, who is potentially the father of a hundred million Alabama citizens, should be able to do likewise. And he will be able to, once we build some carpool lanes in this state.
“Too little attention is spent on these other sacred creations of our Lord, just left to bounce around on the seats of pickup trucks in their hairy casings. Just because God has chosen to place these potential lives in men who lack teeth or don’t have enough crystal meth left to attract an Alabama woman does not mean their sperm does not deserve a chance at life. Alabama women are too demanding when it comes to things like meals, wedding bands, Netflix subscriptions and child support before allowing an Alabama man to fill her with his tiny, slippery creations of God. ‘I need to put my sperm in you,’ is all a man should have to say to get a girl to admit him into the chamber of childbirth that the Almighty has created. Even if that man has the unfortunate habit of grunting ‘Roll Tide!’ when he ejaculates, his sperm rights need to be respected.
“If a man is absolutely too shy or too gay to make this simple request, the state will set up medically safe settings with comfortable recliners and HD porn where he can induce a discharge, which will then be immediately frozen and stored for future use or possibly even export, as long as we can settle this trade war thing. In Alabama, crusty socks and soggy tissues will no longer be the final repository of the will of God.
“We’ll put them where those abortion clinics used to be. All right, we might need a few more locations. We can’t have guys lined up outside like it was a woman’s bathroom—that would be too embarrassing for them.
“And it will be absolutely forbidden to call these sacred places spank banks. Just putting that out there.”