richardcahill.net

Steam-Powered Needles to Be Used to Administer Vaccines, Says Trump

8/16/2026

After Trump ordered the Navy to quit using electronic catapults on its aircraft carriers and return to steam catapults, apparently just on the basis that steam catapults were the ones being used the last time he could get a hard-on, and drastically re-ordering the childhood vaccine schedule, probably for the same reason, the Catering Cart Caligula has now combined both orders.

All childhood vaccines will now be administered with steam-powered needles.

“This makes sense from both a medical and a steam viewpoint,” said a spokesman for the Department of Health and Human Services. “Obviously, steam hot enough to launch a jet off a carrier will be hot enough to kill any autism germs that might be left in those vaccines. Steam injection of these important mediations will result in their being instantly spread throughout those tiny infant bodies. That’s far superior to just letting it dribble through their baby bloodstreams. Plus, there’s nothing more soothing to tyke ears than listening to a steam engine warming up to the proper operating temperature in a pediatrician’s office, ready to power a needle the size of a fighter jet’s into tiny biceps.

“RFK Jr., our nation’s foremost medical thinker, is already preparing an educational video to get new parents and their offspring ready for steam needling. We just have to settle some copyright concerns before it will be shown in every pediatric office. Tentatively, it’s called Bluey, Barney and the Brainworm Get Stuck with You!”

Is America Ready for a Cheesedick President?

7/25/2026

What should concern us all? People are saying “EVERYTHING!” but it’s important, while being crushed mentally by the overwhelming idiocy of world and national events, to identify specific forthcoming issues and prepare oneself to endure them.

One of these is that it is highly likely JD Vance will someday be President, and America will have its first cheesedick Commander-in-Chief.

We have had all kinds of dicks as President, you may argue. We’ve had party dicks, like Kennedy and Clinton, men who would lead the nation in bold new directions every day, and shuck their pants after sundown to wave their wands in the faces of whoever was staying overnight at the White House. We’ve had old dicks like Reagan and Biden, and young dicks like Bush Jr.

We’ve had Tricky Dicks.

After centuries of hesitancy, we finally got some black dick, and we seemed to be okay with it.

No matter what kind of dick we had in the Oval Office, the nation survived.

Currently, we have Old Mushroom Dick, and therein lies the problem. No, he’s not going to be removed from office. Even if the Dems gain the House and impeach him, and the Senate becomes Democratic by one or two votes, you’re never going to see fifteen or sixteen Republican senators, and that’s what it will take, to vote to kick the Tangerine Drama Queen to the curb. Even if the House presented irrefutable evidence that the Caucasian-in-Chief was a fully traitorous, blindly greedy, disgustingly flabby old child molester, evidence that, to be honest, the Democrats already have in hand, and the only argument Trump presented in his defense was to fuck a baby goat to the tune of “YMCA” in the well of the Senate, at least a dozen Republican Senators would refuse to convict him.

They would say things like “A man who can get it up for a goat is obviously qualified to continue in office,” and “The age of the goat is hardly relevant,” and “Biden probably fucked goats too,” and, “Man, you gotta love the Village People,” and find him innocent.

Even John Fetterman, the Democratic Senator from Pennsyltucky, might not vote to convict, knowing that many of his upstate voters had their first sexual experience with livestock.

But the Bruised Hand Buffoon has other health problems, enough that 22 specialists attended his last checkup, and the chances of him going fatal on us before 2029 gets here are significant. Satan could start giving his hair weave a daily swirly in Hell’s dirtiest toilet by the end of any forthcoming week.

Of course, he could wander down the dementia driveway in private, like Reagan did, but Reagan had his wife to run the White House for him. Would Melania do that? Would anybody want her to? Better she should whip out an item from her “I Don’t Care, Do You?” wardrobe and flee the country if Trump starts slobbering on his bib in a severely brain-damaged way. Which he may be doing right now.

The President can hardly pull a Mitch and disappear from public view for a month-and-a-half, either, and there’s always the possibility that he’ll gack out in public, mid-shuffle at a rally, perhaps, collapsing on the White House lawn when he’s supposed to be getting on a helicopter, or just plain tip out of his golf cart on the eighteenth hole.

At that point, America will get its first cheesedick President. Vance epitomizes cheesedickiness, which is the condition of being wildly and unjustifiably convinced of your own superiority at all things. This is information for all of you who thought “cheesedick” was just a throwaway insult, like “turdbite” or “shitbird.” No, a cheesedick like Vance thinks he is smarter than Pete Buttigieg and better-looking than Gavin Newsom, even though he is manifestly neither.

He thinks he is a better Nazi than Stephen Miller and more convincing at lying to foreigners than Marco Rubio. He thinks he wears a beard better than Mamdani, even though that guy is Mayor of New York mostly because he has never taken a bad picture in his life.

He thinks he has more testosterone than Pete Hegseth. He thinks he is a better Catholic than the Pope.

Above all, he thinks he would be a better President than Trump. This bar is subterranean, it is so low, so Vance is right about that, but you could take a homeless guy living in an empty Frigidaire box under the freeway, get him on the right meds for a couple weeks, and he would probably be a better president than Trump.

The problem with a cheesedick President is that Vance would think he could be a better President than anyone else who has ever held the office. What would he want to prove? Would he start a depression, so he could end it like Roosevelt? A civil war, so he could win it like Lincoln? Drop a nuke more effectively than Truman? It could get scary fast.

It’s America’s job to make sure he starts small. “Get away with a blowjob better than Clinton,” is what his advisors should whisper to him. “Lick an ice cream cone better than Biden.”

Or, the ultimate challenge, “Be smoother than Obama.”

That ought to keep him busy until ’29.

Hegseth Blames Low-T for Loss in Iran War

7/19/2026

Likes movies about gladiators?

Secretary of War Hegseth says soldiers to get testosterone levels checked--News Item

Intrigued by all this testosterone talk, this reporter contacted a source at the Pentagon. Although he refused to give his name, insisting upon going by Colonel Max Test, he was not shy about discussing the War Department’s new program of doling out testosterone to American warriors.

“I’m a prime example of the new t-fueled soldier,” he boasted. “I’ve got more testosterone in me than a whole WWE fight card, even if you threw in Linda McMahon. All I can think of is assaulting the enemy.”

“But we’re in Washington, DC.”

“Yeah, I know. I had to wreck a taco truck on my way here, because of my newfound love of pointless violence. Like that pilot did when he buzzed that beach in Florida, sending kids and umbrellas flying along the sand. He’s a high-t warrior, too.”

“A lot of people in bathing suits were really frightened by that.”

“Bah! They didn’t have enough testosterone in their systems to appreciate it. If they were all cranked up on t, like they should be, they would have grabbed those umbrellas and flown along with him.”

“Like Mary Poppins?”

“Not the example I would have chosen, smartass. Pete Hegseth’s got the right idea. The reason we’re not kicking Iranian ass is because Iranian guys have more testosterone than American men.”

“And you know this how? And why?”

“It’s in a top-secret study that I’m going to leak to you right now. Why? Well, it’s apparently because Iranian men eat goat meat, which is naturally high in hormones, and wear dresses all the time, leaving their balls hanging free to absorb testosterone from the atmosphere. But we can’t get American fighting men to eat goat or wear dresses, because the Department of War doesn’t have drag queen story hour, and Biden left all our goat meat MRE’s behind in Afghanistan for the Taliban to snarf. Hence, we gotta give them the t-jab.”

“Are you sure that the War Department isn’t just trying to buff out American soldiers because Pete Hegseth likes to be surrounded by handsome young white men with rippling abs?”

“No! Why would you even think that?”

“He really seems to enjoys hanging out with buff guys. Also, the Secretary is keenly aware of his personal appearance. He wears a lot of makeup.”

“That’s all in the interest of combat readiness. That’s Muscle Mascara around his eyes. The pink sheen on his cheeks is Blood of the Enemy Blush. The product he puts in his hair is Flattop Fighter Frenzy Gel. It’s made from the grease on aircraft carrier catapults.”

“Still, it looks like he spends as much time fighting gay impulses as he does fighting wars.”

“Bullshit! There’s no more manly man than the Secretary. Doesn’t he constantly get married and then cheat on his wives?”

“Could be overcompensating. Do yourself and me a favor.”

“What’s that?”

“Ask him if he likes movies about gladiators.”

Satan Is Fretting That Trump and Mitch McConnell Will Go to Hell At The Same Time

7/9/2026

I got a call on Teams from Satan the other day. We used to Zoom, before Hell became an all-Microsoft workplace, just to make it more Hellish.

When Satan calls, I’m always tempted to answer “What’s up, Bub?” with Bub being short for Beelzebub, but I don’t, because he always assures me that I’ll be spending an eternity’s worth of quality time with him soon enough, and jokes, especially inside jokes, can wear thin after a couple centuries.

But the POD (Prince of Darkness) did not have humor on his mind. “Any word on whether Mitch McConnell is dead or not?” he asked.

“I would think you would be the first to know.”

“Not necessarily. They just invented this brain-dead bullshit relatively recently, you know. I supported it at first, just so egomaniacal physicians could rip organs out of people before they were 100% dead, which assured those guys of their future here in Hell, but lately it just makes things confusing.”

“It’s tough for anybody to tell. McConnell might just be lying there surrounded by beeping machines, but some people claimed to have talked to him. Why worry? I’m sure you’ll see him soon.”

“That’s the problem. Got an email from Himself the other day, and he says get ready, because He’s going to pull the plug on Trump any day. It’s my worst nightmare that him and McConnell arrive here at the same time. It really puts a strain on my workforce when people who really deserve to be here show up. We have to pull out all the stops. It’s a massive overtime bill, ever since my imps voted for the union, and it really puts a strain on my idea demons, since they have to think of unique ways to torture them. My most creative fiend quit after coming up with covering Epstein in suppurating boils and dipping him in rubbing alcohol every five minutes. Said that was the top of his game. Now all he’ll do is stick a pitchfork in a random adulterer once in a while. And he’s pretty indifferent about that. And we feel the loss. Charlie Kirk just gets a full fireworks show in his rectum every day, and he deserves far worse.”

“It sounds like you’re saying the devils of Hell are getting burnt out?

“Please don’t put it that way. Most days they show up for work and do their jobs fine. But when someone like Trump or McConnell gets to the gates, it really creates anxiety for my imps. Despite being eternal creatures especially created to enjoy inflicting endless pain, they look at the dead soul’s career, rife with every possible kind of sin, and the way they lived their lives with monstrous indifference to anything but their own lust and greed, and my succubae start thinking to themselves Do I really belong here in Hell as much as this guy?

“Oh, wow.”

“Yes. It’s so sad to see an immortal demon succumb to imposter syndrome. Some of them have become completely useless. All they do is sit by the Lake o’ Lava, drinking chalice after chalice of unbaptized baby blood. And I have to pick up their bar tabs. It’s going to be grim for me, if Trump and McConnell show up at the same time.”

“Will Hell bust out all over?”

“NO! It’s better designed than that. But some of the side tortures may have to be paused. Maybe Rush Limbaugh and OJ Simpson will get a break from their eternal sumo match, and Herman Cain may be able to sneak off that facemask made of tiny scorpions for a few minutes. Because it’s going to be all demons to the gates if that happens.”

“I feel you, Evil One. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

“Just keep getting those regular checkups, lose some weight, and slow down on the drinking, ok?”

Communist Babies vs. Gay Babies

7/5/2026

“If 20 million Chinese communist mothers show up to America and have a baby tomorrow, then there’s suddenly 20 million new American citizens that are Chinese communist citizens? It’s nuts.”
Rep. Chip Roy on Birthright Citizenship

This event, as envisioned by the Texas Congressperson, would be a gynecological occurrence of extraordinary magnitude. Just the logistics of it should cause the average, anti-communist American to tremble with trepidation. Twenty million Communist moms, in their last week of pregnancy, flooding through American airports, clutching their baby bumps, eating every pint of Ben and Jerry’s they can get their socialist hands on, cramming themselves into American ambulances on their way to American maternity wards, in the throes of Communist labor pains, all planning to pop a little Marxist into being on American soil.

Even non-Chinese Communist foreigners should object to this. Where are they going to have their anchor babies, if twenty million Marxist-Leninist mothers are taking up all the birthing rooms in our country? Haitian and Somali moms, eager to deliver their little kitten-eaters and Sharia lawyers, would be forced onto park benches and back alleys.

Representative Roy is counting on his grasp of the science of genetics to make his point. Can a Communist mother give birth to a non-communist baby? No. The Chinese Communist gene is dominant. Every Communist mother has to give birth to a Communist child. These babies will not grow up to be regular American guys, drinking and arguing with each other in sports bars. Each of them will be a heartless Marxist, dedicated to the dictatorship of the proletariat and free child care.

Now, some scientists think Marxist DNA is not 100% dominant. If only one parent has the Commie chromosome, the child may grow up to be a Social Democrat. This is what happened in New York City with that Occasionally Cortez person, or the mayor guy, who is a godless Muslim.

Oddly enough though, while Roy is dead solid certain about where Communist babies come from, he is not clear on where gay babies come from. But, it’s certainly not immutable genetics. The congressman believes that being gay is a choice, although he will allow you to blame your upbringing. Say your mom could beat your dad at arm wrestling, or your parents didn’t buy you enough ammunition for your guns when you were a boy, or they just let you listen to too much Abba. So, it could be their fault.

In any case, unlike a Communist child, who is fated by birth to undermine America, you as a gay person, should do something about your gayness, like praying for it to disappear, or find a person of the opposite sex to be miserable with together.

Either way, just pack your flags and your collections of show tunes back in the closet where they belong. It’s the Commies who ought to be humming “Born This Way” as they smash the state.

That’s just science.

ICU Nurses All Ticking Time Bombs, Says Homeland Security

1/25/2026

The death of another Minnesotan at the hands of ICE has provoked a national outcry. Border Patrol head honcho Dan Bovino has stood by his claim that Alex Pretti was a danger to ICE officers, and deserved to be pepper-sprayed, disarmed, and shot in the back while he was lying in the street. As a DHS spokesman explained:

“A lot of this liberal outrage stems from the fact that the guy was an ICU nurse. ICU nurses are mistakenly thought to be well-trained professionals, with a calm bedside manner consistent with treating the gravely ill people whose lives are in their hands. In particular, whiny leftists are crying about Pretti being an ICU nurse in a VA hospital, entrusted with the care of those who have served this country, as if that entitled him in some ACLU fantasy world not to be shot down in public.

“Nothing could be further from the truth. ICU nurses are inherently mentally unstable. Many times, beneath that caring exterior there beats the heart of a leftist terrorist, who can’t wait to ‘pull the plug’ on ICE patriots, who are only doing their job, tear-gassing protesters and knocking woman around.

“The fact is, all that beeping and booping, all those IV tubes and dangling electrodes, the pressure of herding their patients away from the Tunnel of Light, makes your average ICU nurse a slobbering sociopath by the time they clock out. And if that nurse choses to head to a protest against ICE getting their hands on more schoolchildren and their parents and swiftly ejecting them from America, as your president promised, instead of having a bottle of wine and watching Netflix, he’s on his own, as far as getting mercilessly shot to death goes.

“The VA angle makes a guy like Pretti even more dangerous. PTSD is thought by some to be contagious, and those hospitals are full of guys passing around PTSD germs. That nurse might have thought he was in the jungles of Nam or the streets of Baghdad when he went after ICE, and in some hallucinatory way, imagined he was going up against Charlie or a bunch of dead-ender hajis, and had to be drilled full of hot lead to save American law-enforcement lives.

“He could have been affected by vaccine-shedding, too, because Biden made all those guys get vaccinated. Vaccine shedding is thought to cause mental confusion and psychotic behavior, especially by people who aren’t really scientists but shit their pants about vaccines. I refer you to RFK Jr., our Secretary of Health, on the dangers of getting vaccinated for anything, or even of hanging out with people who are vaccinated, which Pretti certainly did.

“So, sad as him getting pumped full of bullets while lying face down of the street may have been, it may not have been this deranged nurse’s fault.

“It was probably Biden’s.”

Why the Naranja Nitwit Wants Greenland

1/19/2026

Why does Trump want Greenland? The island’s main export is icebergs. It’s covered by a massive ice sheet miles thick in spots, making building hotels there mighty dicey. Its population, despite its massive square mileyness, is only about the same as Chester, Pennsylvania, sixty thousand or so, and, like that slum city on the Delaware River, hardly any of them play golf.

It’s not about strategy. Trump never has a strategy. Trump is not playing three-dimensional chess with Putin and XI, who clean his clock on a regular basis. He’s playing Chutes and Ladders with the My Pillow guy, who always lets him win.

We don’t need Greenland to defend America. We already have a military base in Greenland, where America’s brave service people stand on guard against America’s enemies and theirs, which are intense boredom, seasonal affective disorder and the occasional hungry polar bear. If we want to expand our military footprint, frozen wasteland-wise, we already have Greenland’s advance permission to build as many more military bases there as we want, as long as we are willing to chip away glaciers to situate them.

Greenland has no oil fields. There are no Danish oil tankers full of Greenland crude for Trump to seize, even if he sent Delta Force to kidnap the King of Denmark.

Greenland has rare earth minerals, which are buried underneath the above-mentioned miles of ice. Not exactly handy, but Trump raves about rare earths all the time, even though he wouldn’t know a rare earth if it swallowed him up whole.

Just today Trump explained that he needed to have Greenland because he was not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He sent a letter to the government of Norway, which does not award the Prize, saying that since he didn’t get it, he was giving the whole concept of peace the finger, as if it was merely an auto worker in Detroit.

No, the reason Trump wants Greenland is because by annexing this gigantic freezer-land in the Arctic, the US will become a bigger nation than Canada. You can check this on Google. It will be the second-largest nation on Earth, in terms of square miles, even though, like Canada’s, many of them will be square miles full of frozen moose shit. In size, it will trail only his buddy Putin’s Russia.

Unlike strategy, “bigger’ is a concept Trump understands, like “gold airplane” and “pussy.” He wants Greenland like a six-year-old wants the biggest piece of cake at a birthday party, like a pubescent jock wants the girl with the biggest boobs, or like that asshole at the country club that everybody secretly hates wants the nicest golf cart.

It’s that simple.

Department of War Will Not Be Targeting Billy, Who Sells Fentanyl Down by the Monument

12/8/2025

Despite cranking plenty of Tomahawks into the Caribbean targeting “drug runners” in small boats, Secretary Hegseth has announced that local fentanyl dealer Billy, whom you can cop off of down by the monument nearly every night, will not be subject to sudden, guided missile death for dealing drugs.

“Everybody knows Billy’s had a tough life, especially the people he sells drugs to, because he tells them about it. Growing up with a single mom, enduring a series of her abusive boyfriends, getting slices of bologna in his stocking for Christmas…If he’s in one of his yacky moods, we have to listen to his life story over and over again when we just want to buy an eighth, jet out of there, puff a little China White and watch Family Guy reruns.

“But nobody wants to see him blown into fragments by the Navy using air-to-surface missiles. I mean, they could arrest him and put him on trial and give him the death penalty, I guess, but even that seems a little extreme. He’s the town’s only drug dealer, and a lot of people would hate to lose him. I mean, sure, he’s as guilty of at least as many crimes as Laura Loomer’s plastic surgeon, but even if all he feels like saying sometimes is “You got the money?” he says it in English.

“So, I’m glad to hear the governments going to continue to destroy drug vessels in the Caribbean but leave natural American pushers alone.

“Blow up boats. Don’t blow up Billy.”

“Put that on Facebook and you’ll be getting some likes, pal."

Franklin the Turtle Ordered Second Strike, Says White House

12/3/2025

Amid all the confusion about who actually approved the second missile that blew up a couple of brown guys clinging to the wreckage of their panga in the Caribbean a few weeks ago, a new suspect has emerged—Franklin the Turtle.

Franklin, a children’s book hero, notable for heartwarming, lesson-teaching books such as Franklin Goes to School and Franklin Runs Away, had his darker nature revealed by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, in a Tweet celebrating the double-tap elimination of two guys panicking in Spanish right before a missile that cost more than their entire village blew them into chum.

Franklin’s hatred of (alleged) narco-terrorists came as a surprise to his publisher, who tweeted back “Dude, what the fuck?” to Hegseth, when it was revealed that Franklin, far from being an inoffensive cartoon character whose job is to teach first-graders that life isn’t nearly as scary as it sometimes seems to be is, secretly, the leader of Turtle Team Six, whose job is to make fisherman shit their shorts in crystal blue tropical waters, right before a Hellfire missile turns them into chunk bait.

A spokesperson for the Department explained that “Secretary Hegseth personally admires the Franklin books and is someday looking forward to finishing the entire Franklin series.”

When asked why the secretary didn’t employ the services of turtles with more of a combat reputation, i.e., those of the Teenage Mutant Ninja variety, the spokesman replied, “Those turtles are from New York City, so they are suspected Socialists. Besides, Secretary Hegseth has finished all of Mutant Turtles comic books and given most of his favorites to Kash Patel.”

Queen Rat Deserts Sinking Ship, and Other News of the Week

11/24/2025

Even the dumbest rat knows when to gnaw its way into a lifeboat, and the Space Laser Lady, sensing that flagship MAGA was getting set to disappear beneath the polling waves, started paddling away from the oncoming disaster last week.

In what direction she is rowing no one knows, probably not even herself. Probably towards a fantasy island where health care is cheap, gas is two bucks a gallon, and the Epstein files are carved into stone in front of every public building in Georgia, right underneath the Ten Commandments.

Old Cootchie Collar promptly called her a traitor, but stopped short of calling for her immediate death. Then, empowered by the mental energy that comes with being able to correctly identify the outline of a giraffe, he demanded the public execution of six Congresspeople. Gone was his and his base's sobbing over the role of violent rhetoric in the assassination of Charlie “I Don’t Know How My Wife Will Go On Without Me” Kirk. He even tagged George Washington in his post, alleging that the First President had an affection for sudden, mindless, unadjudicated hangings.

Speaking of Washington, how many other Presidents does anybody think the Fascist Fucknut can name off the top of his head? The guess here is probably about six, especially if he gets to mention Obama twice.

He then welcomed international killer-billionaire-head-of-state Mohammed bin Salman to the White House, in a manner so obsequious that it stopped just short of Trump offering to lick the smell of camel hump off of bin Salman's ass.

Continuing to bone-saw his way through the week, the Caucasian-in-Chief treated himself to a pop-in audience with the newly elected Mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, a man Trump has called a Communist more times than he’s tried to finger-fuck Pam Bondi, and greeted him just as warmly as he had the Middle Eastern torture tyrant, probably because the man styles his facial hair in a far more flattering manner than J D Vance, Trump’s own Vice-Beardo.

Finally, in a demonstration that his grey matter has more black holes in it than Stephen Hawking ever discovered in the space-time continuum, The Nobel Peace Putz offered a peace plan to Zelensky that consists of him leaving the keys to half of Ukraine in a garage in the Donbas, and letting Putin pick them up there like it was an Air BNB rental.

Next week we may see the start of a war against a relatively helpless South American nation on bogus pretenses. Currently the plans for combat are called Operation Southern Spear, Southern Spear being a favored username by Secretary of War Pete “How Do You Like This Suit on Me?” Hegseth on Grindr, but which are currently referred to in the high halls of the Pentagon, with much head-shaking as Operation Jeffery Who?

Missing those days when he just went golfing. I am, I am.

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