Possibly to rehabilitate his reputation as racially impartial, Trump promptly started trying to bully the government of Sweden to release A$AP Rocky, an American rapper, from a Swedish dungeon.
Now, Rocky is not in the Stockholm hoosegow for having a first name that is pretty difficult to puzzle out. He and his posse apparently got into street brawl with a couple of Swedish guys who they ended up stomping the crap out of. The stomping was recorded on one of those onerous security cameras, which are apparently as commonplace there as they are here, and Rocky was arrested and remains in Swedish custody.
But after some white people that Trump knows, namely the Kardashians and Justin Bieber, started complaining to him, Trump became Rocky’s champion, offering to guarantee his bail so the rapper could be released to continue his European tour, on which he was bleeding cheese by being in the custody of Sweden instead of rapping. Trump, who probably understands losing money more than most people, and has always been clear about the difference between criminals who are his friends (It’s pardon time for them!) and criminals he doesn’t know (death penalty, after getting roughed up by the cops) called the Swedish Prime Minister and tried to jawbone him into releasing Rocky, so they have more room for real criminals (Muslims!) in their penal system.
The Swedish PM turned him down cold, informing him that Rocky would get a nice fair Swedish trial and then, if convicted, could spend up to the next two years in Stockholm. Furthermore, Sweden doesn’t grant bail, so if A$AP wanted to go to other European nations and fight other European citizens, he would have to wait that out.
Over here, we confidently expect a tariff on Volvos to be in place by the end of the week, but we contacted our White House sources to get an explanation for why the guy who tried to get five innocent black kids executed back in ’89 is suddenly willing to bail out a black guy who was videotaped brawling on the streets of Stockholm. The answer, as it turns out, is simple:
“Trump likes black people who aren’t poor, just as he likes soldiers who weren’t captured,” said the White House spokesman, who preferred to remain anonymous. “Plus, he identifies with fatuous idiots like Kanye West and Justin Bieber, who assure him that their bud A$AP is his kind of guy. Why all black people below the poverty line don’t just rap their way into living in the Kardashian’s hood, or at least become wealthy professional athletes who stand for the national anthem, has always puzzled the President, but he feels certain it’s their fault, and they deserve to get their food stamps and voting rights cut off.
“Plus, him sticking up for one black guy definitely proves he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body, and he’ll get more votes from the crime-ridden hellholes where black people live.”
Despite the clarion clearness of this message, perennial Trump bootlicker Lindsey Graham had a different explanation for Trump’s apparent racism. In the Senator’s words:
“I really do believe that if you’re a Somali refugee who likes Trump, he’s not gonna say ‘Go back to Somalia,’” Graham said...“A racist says ‘Go back to Somalia’ because you’re Somali or Muslim or whatever. That’s just the way he (Trump) is. It’s more narcissism than anything else.”
Because, you know, it’s better to have a President with a recognized psychiatric disorder than it is to have one that’s a racist.
Good talk, Lindsey.