richardcahill.net

Musk Failing At Being a Bigger Jerk Than Trump

7/16/2022

Elon Musk is backing out of his attempt to buy Twitter, which is likely to cost him at least a billion bucks. It’s all in the courts now, which promises to generate endless articles in the media, none of which I will find interesting enough to read.

No part of this controversy makes el Musko look any more on the ball than falling out of a porta-potty without pulling up his pants, which makes me wonder why he’s doing it. He had a pretty great life up until now, getting to be the richest guy on Earth when Jeff Bezos took a weekend off from squeezing money out of Amazon Prime. He went into space with a bunch of his bros, let his wang hang out in the stratosphere, and had thousands of followers on Twitter who thought he was the inspiration for “Revenge of the Nerds.” Why blow all that up to pursue the single-minded life of a squalling attention whore?

The answer is, he had everything besides the title of Most Blatantly Obvious Lying, Self-Centered Prick on the Planet. That title belongs to the former Caucasian-in-Chief, and he’s not giving it up anytime soon. No sooner had Elon made his play to prove himself as emotionally crippled and singularly entitled as Trump, the Orange Object of Authoritarian Fantasies responded by calling him a “bullshit artist.”

That was game, match, set. Trump calling you a bullshit artist is like Zeus calling you a god. Or Steven Hawking saying you’re a genius.* Or Stormy Daniels calling you a great lay. It’s being knighted into the World Order of Bullshit. All E M had to do was accept the plaudit and bask in lifelong glory, because when Trump calls bullshit, he knows of what he speaks.

But Musk blundered past his moment of triumph, and, acting like a man unable to find his own dick with the James Webb Space Telescope, came back at Trump with a couple of singularly unoriginal insults, like “LMAO,” advised him to “sail into the sunset,” and proclaimed his affection for the newly ascendant Fresh-Faced Fascist, Ron DeSantis.

Now, Trump is not going to sail into the sunset. Odds are, he’s not going to be able to even see the sunset, unless his prison cell has a western view, for a couple of years, and if he escapes incarceration, he’s still not sailing anywhere. When you Google images of “Trump on boat,” you only get pics of people in Trump boat parades trying to sink each other. You can’t sail into the sunset if you can’t get on a boat without hurling, which I suspect is the case with America's Ex.

Musk will be okay, too. He can afford to take a billion-dollar hit. There’s so many Teslas out here in CA you can barely leave the house without having to park next to one.

If I'm nearby and see someone getting in or out of one, I always say, “I love those new Mazdas,” to them.

Just to see the looks on their faces, my peeps.

*I realize Zeus does not exist and Hawking is dead. Want to see my literary license?

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Tall and Fat Is Better Than Short and Fat

11/13/2017

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Setting the standard for other world leaders.

The Caucasian-in-Chief, Twittering from Asia like some demented jungle songbird, patted himself on the back over the weekend by noting that he had never called North Korean head apparatchik Kim Jong Un “short and fat.”

By Tweeting this he immediately claimed the moral high ground, because Trump is tall and fat. Not only that, but he rules over a nation of fat people, some of whom are tall as well. Un is the only fat person impoverished North Korea can afford to maintain.

Tall fat people are superior to short fat people because they are easier to spot at crowded events such as concerts, although they are also easier to shoot at them, if your concert happens to be targeted by an insane mass killer.

Also, tall fat people can get food off high shelves more easily than short fat people, although this is probably not a problem for Kim, because if people don’t bring him food, he will have them shot. Other hungry short people need to get stepladders.

By proposing that tall and fat is the preferred body type for world leaders, Trump has claimed first place among American Presidents, at least first since William Howard Taft. Many, if not most, Presidents are tall, but few have pushed the envelope of lardassity like Trump. Clinton jogged, Obama played basketball, Dubya did stuff on his ranch, and JFK did Marilyn Monroe, all to keep their weight down. Trump just watches TV while stuffing his face with fast food. In that, he is more representative of many Americans than runners like Carter and woodchoppers like Reagan. Think about that, and a second term seems more possible.

If we allow Trump to set the standard for national leader body types, the rest of the head-of-state crew can easily be judged inferior to Trump. Un has already been found lacking, but what about the rest?

GERMANY—ANGELA MERKEL: Short. But goes beyond fat into the realm of dowdy. Loser.

CANADA--JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Tall. Dreamboat in the looks department. Easily defeated in sumo, though. Doesn’t have the belly for it. Showboat.

PHILIPPINES—RODRIGO DUTERTE—Really short and skinny. Admirably belligerent nonetheless. Hater.

FRANCE—EMMANUEL MACRON—Tiny little thing. Just pat him on the head when he starts babbling about NATO. Sad.

RUSSIA—VLADIMIR PUTIN—Can only look Trump in the eye when sitting on horseback, and stays unfortunately thin by wrestling tigers and swimming amid icebergs. Physically inferior, but a pal nonetheless. Bro.

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Names You Can Call Trump Without Being Fired by ESPN

9/18/2017

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Jemele Hill--hooping it up in happier days

ESPN talking head Jemele Hill got herself into hot water with her head honchos and the government over the weekend when she Tweeted a few casual observations about the White House’s current occupant, among them being that he was a white supremacist and a bigot.

The White House said that was plainly untrue, which itself is plainly untrue, because the cheddar-colored commander of our national fate is on record as calling for stern measures to be taken against Mexicans and Muslims, merely because they are Mexicans and Muslims. His pals include Steve Bannon, Joe Arpaio and Jeff Sessions, people who also claim not to be white supremacists, but just prefer to act like them. Everybody could be wrong about them. Perhaps they have big parties where they all get together to be racially neutral.

But Jemele doubts that, and Tweeted her doubts to the world. This Administration, which every day shows our citizens that it cannot take criticism or even a joke very well, called for Jemelle to be fired by ESPN. The sports network has not done that yet, although Jemelle has been taken to the woodshed and told it is not the sports network’s job not to get involved in politics.

They are probably right—people who paint their faces in primary colors to show their rabid lust for a particular college or pro franchise probably don’t spend a crap-ton of time thinking about the three branches of government, and you see a lot of those guys on ESPN. So Jemele will probably keep her opinions about Trump’s white supremacist tendencies on the down low from now on.

But this column is here to help her. Here are fifteen things you can call the Big Cheeto without implying in the most remote way that he is a racist:

President Twitter Twaddle
Popular vote loser
Big white chocolate rabbit in the basket of deplorables
Melania’s main squeeze
Small-handed shitbird
Caucasian-in Chief
Golf twat
Dementia Don
Bannon’s butt buddy
Hankering for some Ivankering
President Squeak Toy
Pencil-dick dictator
Nuclear wanker
Chin flab Fuhrer
Taco-bowl eating turdbite.

Have at it, Jemele. You go, girl.

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Top Ten Future Trump Tweets

7/3/2017

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Mika Brzezinski, after plastic surgery

Everybody’s aghast at Trump’s latest Tweet, the one accusing Mika Bzrezinzki of begging for an audience with the germaphobic Leader of the Free world while bleeding from facial surgery. The popular feeling is that the President should have more important things to do than carry out a mindless, gory feud with a TV show host. Also, he's probably lying again.

The opinion here is that they are no doubt right about Trump having more important things to do, but ignore the fact that we’re probably better off if he’s not trying to do them. Tweet away, Tangerine Tyrant! Keeps you from getting Trumpcare passed and turning NATO into a collection of used tank parts.

Here are some sample future Trump tweets, following the potential event that would generate them:

If the Senate screws up on screwing up health care: “Mitch McConnell’s prostate is the size of a Wendy’s double stack. OUCH!”

If Megyn Kelly’s new show continues to tank in the ratings: “Told NBC not to hire her. Nobody wants to watch a show by a known menstruator. Bad decision!”

If Steven Hawking ever criticizes him again: “Loser Hawking can shut his squawk box. I like scientists that can move their arms and legs!”

If Al Franken decides to run against him in 2020: “Unfunny Al Franken would be easy to beat. Everybody knows he’s a Jew, right?”

If Angela Merkel wins re-election in Germany: “WRONG! Germany proves again it is a BAD country! Glad I keep all my money in Switzerland.”

If Elizabeth Warren is the Democratic Presidential nominee in 2020: “Pocahontas smells a bit musty, I hear. Nobody’s been inside her teepee for years! Know what I mean? OLD!”

If Mar al Lago starts to sink into the ocean because of climate change: “This is the fault of WEAK Obama! He owes me for the sandbags BIG TIME!”

If Sara Huckabee Sanders finally replaces Sean Spicer as WH Press Secretary: “Now at least failing Melissa McCarthy can impersonate another FAT CHICK! YOUR WELCOME!”

If he ever holds a rally and nobody shows up: “A friend told me that people were too busy enjoying AMERICA BEING GREAT AGAIN to leave the house! They’re still losers, though. “

When Putin surreptitiously invades another small, weak nation on Russia’s borders: “FAKE NEWS! Russia not invading anybody! Believe Putin! Especially when he says there are no pee tapes! Strong leader! Bigly!”

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#Space Junk Twitter

12/5/2016

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The Earth is surrounded by crap that you can talk with.

Science marches on, and it takes no prisoners. Just recently I wrote here that space scientists needed to get off their asses and invent a warp drive so people could cruise around in space faster. No sooner had I written that than it was done. The EM drive, a kind of cordless microwave oven that pushes itself through space, was demonstrated by NASA to have generated a force of 1.2 millinewtons of thrust in a field test.

There are two important things to note here: First, the EM drive works by breaking the laws of physics. That makes sense, since we all already knew that breaking the laws of traffic enables us to get places faster. The second is that 1.2 millinewtons of thrust is approximately the same force felt by a banana when a fruit fly lands on it, so not really a crap-ton of boost power. Scientists are nonetheless confident that they can beef up the EM drive so that eventually, it can take us to Mars before all the astronaut bananas on board turn black.

Since this is the age of Trump and I called for this, I take full credit for the invention. This column will adopt Trumpian principles in the New Year—whenever I’m right about something, I will unabashedly bask in glory, and when I am wrong, it’s the fault of the media.

The second item in science news for the week was that now you can get Tweets from orbiting pieces of space junk. This program is designed to make you aware of space junk, the dangers of which I poo-pooed here not so long ago, saying that in space, mankind may finally have found a place too big to junk up.

Not so, say space junk alarmists, and to convince you of the truth of their argument, they have arranged for you to be Tweeted at by space junk as it orbits overhead. What the Tweets consist of I don’t know, but probably they are very scientific, something like: Yo, I’m zooming over your noggin at about 17,000 mph again, and I’m going to keep coming back until my orbit decays and I burn up harmlessly in the atmosphere.

That might be over 140 characters, but you get the idea. Kind of boring. If we’re going to communicate with space junk, let’s give it a little more personality. Maybe even a variety of personalities. Here’s a couple of suggestions:

PSYCHOPATHIC: What comes around, goes around, and around, and around. F*ck you all. I can’t wait to smash into some space-walker’s helmet.

SUICIDAL: Just a couple million more orbits, and I can meet my fiery end. But you don’t care now and you won’t care then, and there’s nothing I can do to make you. I feel so helpless.

FRAT BOY: Heading out to the Van Allen Belt for the weekend, bro. That’s where I go to rage.

SEX KITTEN: I’m right on top of you again. I’m orbiting you hard and fast. I know you like it that way.

That’s more like it! If you’re going to be Tweeted at by random outer space crap, let’s make it interesting. Because if you are even considering signing up for this program, there’s one thing that’s certain about you.

You are way too bored already.

A tip of the thank-you cap to reader Mike Roe, aka Mike Rose, for bringing Space Junk Twitter to my attention.

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Bill O'Reilly Takes One for Team FOX

7/30/2016

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Bill O'Reilly. Because I couldn't think of a good reason to post another pic of Charlotte McKinney instead. Journalistic integrity sucks.

In light of the continuing news about FOX news head honcho Roger Ailes being a lifelong slobbering, boorish sex fiend in addition to being a newscasting genius, FOX’s Bill O’Reilly lighting the Internet on fire by saying that the slaves who built the White House were “well-fed and well-housed,” can be viewed merely as another display of racial insensitivity on a par with White Pride festivals and watermelon jokes. It's possible, though, that he was merely “taking one for the team.”

Surely Bill must have realized that saying that slaves were well fed and housed is only a scootch away from saying that a victim of mob violence was lynched with a nice, clean, smooth rope. He must also have considered that “well fed” meant something a little different in 1802 than it means now—slaves were not able to order take-out every night from rib joints or Chinese restaurants, and “housed” did not meant “living in a house like Bill O’Reilly’s house.”

In addition, feeding your slaves and keeping them indoors at night was probably not viewed by slave-owners as a kindness so much as necessary property maintenance—slaves worked better and had a better resale value if you didn’t starve them and leave them out in the rain. Bill O’Reilly does the same thing for however many luxury vehicles he owns by changing their oil at regular intervals and keeping them garaged.

When pressed on the issue, O’Reilly admitted “Slavery was a horror,” but added “There was an okay amount of niceness involved.”

Possibly that is not an exact quote.

Bill’s viewers feel that he was just messing with the heads of black people again, which they enjoy and watch his program for. In view of his boss Roger Ailes getting pink-slipped for palming the ass of every female employee at FOX with an ass worthy of palming, though, Bill may have had an altruistic purpose—drawing fire away from the fallen Ailes. Just as Donald Trump came to Ailes’s defense for no particular reason, except maybe that the Presidential candidate has no doubt done the same thing himself a thousand times and will make it an option for carefree bosses everywhere again as soon as he is elected, Bill felt the need to distract the American public away from the fact that the head of their favorite cable TV news network filled the airwaves with news that old white people wanted to hear not just because racial hostility is a ratings winner, but also because he wanted to have sex with all their best granddaughters.

Bill wasn’t the only talking head to throw himself on this particular grenade. My girl Ann Coulter also pu up a wall of distraction by complaining about the father of a fallen American hero being “an angry Muslim with a thick accent.”

She was immediately besieged on Twitter by everybody to the left of the late Timothy McVeigh. I alone came to her defense by composing this Tweet: @AnnCoulter right—our most pressing defense need is to be protected by soldiers with easily understandable accents.

Then I realized that would leave out most volunteers from Louisiana and Maine, so I didn’t send it after all.

But Anne’s never been an employee of FOX like Bill O’Reilly. She just puts in occasional appearance there, when the regular FOX people get weary of poor-mouthing minorities in the interest of racial harmony and then complaining about Obama sympathizing with minorities as being the cause of racial divisiveness. This is a job that could give anybody headaches, so it's no wonder they keep Anne in the bullpen.

She could never get a steady job there, because Roger Ailes never wanted to have sex with her. Sad. But nonetheless understandable.

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Keeping It in your Pants is So Last Century

7/31/2013

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Ugly guy+nice penis=He wants to show it to you. ASAP

Last week was a huge week for guys exposing themselves. The nation's most politically prominent exhibitionist and candidate for mayor of NYC, Anthony Weiner, once again was busted for capturing his essence in pixels and then Tweeting it to a romantic cyber-partner.

"This guy is just an incredible p*ckerhead," America thought to itself. "He's already lost his job as a Congressman for putting pictures of Little Anthony on the Internet. People were ready to let him be Mayor anyway, but now he's done it again. I mean, we all know guys that can't keep it in their pants, but at least they know better than to take a picture of it every time it pops out."

Legitimate criticism, sure, but consider this—Weiner just can't help himself. He is merely following the Social Law of Penis Size, which states that the timing and frequency of a man's revealing his penis size is in inverse proportion to his physical attractiveness, assuming the size of the penis is noteworthy. To illustrate:

Handsome, indifferent-looking and unattractive men with unexceptional penises—the penis is seldom mentioned.

Handsome guy with a big one—you'll hear about it on the first date.

Indifferent-looking guy with a big one—you'll hear about it in the first five minutes of the first date.

Butt-ugly guy with a boa constrictor in his BVD's--it's printed on his business card.

Or Tweeted to the world. That's Weiner's problem. Or consider this: Since the invention of the camera phone and the possession of one by everybody over the age of six, every teenager in the US has sent a picture of his or her genitals to some other teenager, which technically makes every single one of them simultaneously a producer, a distributor and a victim of child pornography. Weiner's just courting the youth vote.

Weiner's man-lumber did not stand alone last week, however. A Subway employee gained some viral notoriety by posting a picture of himself rubbing his guy gear on a freshly-baked Subway roll. This column has complained previously that Subway rolls don't taste like anything, but that is not the solution the writer had in mind. This Subway person could have plunged his male essence into the mayo for its fifteen minutes. He could have wrapped his bro bone in little Subway cheese triangles. But no; he chose to massage the taste of his package into the one item that has to be on a Subway sandwich—the roll.

Subway fired him, rather than change their corporate slogan from "Eat Fresh" to "Eat Me."

Still another man-unit in the news belonged to Lucien Greaves, who placed the essence of his dudeness on the tombstone of the deceased mother of the head of the Westboro Baptist Church, which tombstone is located in Lauderdale, Mississippi, as part of a "pink mass" which Greaves and his fellow Satanists, who all hail from New York, claim will turn that woman gay in the afterlife. This could be regarded as a favor, if it is in fact ontologically possible; eternity is a long time and switching up sexualities is bound to pass some of it.

The local cops in Lauderdale aren't thinking theologically, however; they've issued an arrest warrant for Lucien for indecent exposure. He's escaped back to New York ahead of the law and the extradition of him and the leading citizen of his trousers back to Mississippi is considered unlikely. The authorities in Mississippi are said to merely wish to discourage copycat crimes, apparently afraid that every hipster in Brooklyn would otherwise now want to make a pilgrimage south to desecrate a Dixie grave-marker by waving his man-wand over it.

Speaking of Brooklyn, that is where our final briefly famous dipstick hails from. They had a "Brooklyn's Smallest Penis" contest, and somebody actually came. And won. Nick Gilronan took home the bragging rights, such as they are, selfishly ignoring, in the glow of his sudden celebrity, the likelihood that the guy who really has the most microscopic man-worm in that borough probably never even heard of the contest. That guy spends every night at home, snorting fat lines of raw Enzyte off his glass-topped coffee table while scouring the Internet for some pneumatic device that will magnify him to the size of Nick Gilronan.

And he's not voting for Weiner.

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Women+Twitter=Trouble

11/28/2011

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Crushed Cowboy cupcake Melissa Kellerman

It was a bad weekend for women on Twitter over Thanksgiving. After being tackled by fellow Dallas Cowboy Jason Witten on the sidelines of Thursday's win over the Miami Dolphins, Cowboy cheerleader Melissa Kellerman let out a couple of not particularly suggestive tweets about the incident, after which her Twitter account was deleted. The assumption is that either the National Football League or Jerry Jones, the owner of the Cowboys and a man known informally as the Bashar Assad of the NFL, ordered Kellerman to relinquish her account.

The Cowboys pioneered the pro football cheerleading program, but most of the NFL teams now have a squad, invariably formed of the most insanely delectable young women in the municipality, dressed in the skimpiest possible outfits that may legally be worn in public, and trained to bounce up and down vigorously on the sidelines. This place on the field proved more than potentially hazardous for Ms. Kellerman when the 6-6, 265 pound Witten hurdled out of bounds and landed on top of her.

Despite Witten's wearing full protective gear, including steel mesh crotch cup and helmet and Kellerman wearing only underwear and cowboy boots, the cheerleader emerged unscathed, at least until she started tweeting about the incident. Despite restraining herself from any off-color tweets, which I would have happily ghost-written for her, such as "bet u gurls want 2 kno how J is on top," or "the fastr the pouncin, th bttr the bouncin" Kellerman is a non-Tweeter today.

It is hard to imagine how the NFL could be frightened by the possibility of further scandal in this completely unplanned coupling, already witnessed by millions live and on TV, but the league takes no chances when it comes to people believing that there could be any sexual attraction between healthy young male athletes and twenty-something women who model team-colored lingerie every Sunday. Likewise, the NFL would have us believe all of the men and boys in the stands regard the cheerleaders as merely fellow staunch supporters of the home team, not as objects of ultimate lascivious fantasy with whom they would happily trade a decade of Super Bowl wins in order to spend an hour.

I predict Ms. Kellerman will be put on waivers at the end of the season or sooner, as a warning to the rest of the Cowboy cheerleaders to keep their Twitter fingers still the next time one of them gets upended by a tight end.

Emma Sullivan, of Shawnee Mission, Kansas, is also lip-deep in virtual alligators this Monday as a result of her Twitter comment during a meeting with Governor Sam Brownback of her home state, part of which stated the Governor "sucked."

I am only vaguely familiar with Governor Brownback and by vaguely I mean that I have only noticed his name several times and thought that it should be the first part of a bird's name (i.e., "brownback warbler" or "brownback least tern") rather than a politician's surname, so I have no idea what his politics are like or of his proclivity for or talent at oral sex. I suspect that Emma doesn't, either. She was taking part in a Youth in Government meeting with the Guv at the time she twittered, so is a potential future politician herself. Her comment does not bode well for the future of political discourse but, frankly, what does? Asserting that one's political opponents excel at fellatio is hardly original with Emma. Check out barackobamasucks.net or bachmannsucks.us or just buy a "Joe Biden Sucks" t-shirt if you need to be convinced of this.

Emma made the mistake of still being in high school when she Twittered her low opinion of Brownback, though, so she has a principal to whom she must answer. That principal, Karl R. Kravitz, the Jerry Jones of Shawnee Mission, demanded she write a letter of apology to the Governor after the Governor's staff, which routinely checks Twitter for references to Brownback, notified Kravitz of Emma's vilification of their boss.

So far Emma has refused to write the letter, standing up for all Americans' right to say their least-favored politicians engage in sex acts that deviate from standard intercourse. It's not exactly Patrick Henry-like, but today's moral issues always seem a tad more clouded than those in the history books, don't they? The real problem here is that Emma's comment, thanks to the efforts of state and local government employees in Kansas, instead of being viewed by maybe twelve people, is now a national story and Emma herself, by merely making an unimaginative comment that likely nearly half the Kansas voting public or more would likely echo, has now made herself the most famous Kansas teenage girl since Dorothy.

The taxpayers of Kansas (The Flat State) are hardly to be blamed for thinking that blows.

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