DONALD TRUMP: Vlad, old buddy, it's the Donald. How's your genius invasion of Ukraine going?
PUTIN: At least as well as your trying to avoid getting speared by Merrick Garland is, Donald. But maybe we can help each other.
TRUMP: I was hoping you would say that, Vlad. I've got lots of Top Secret stuff at fire sale prices right now. I've got lawyer bills to pay.
PUTIN: Ordinarily, I would be enthusiastic. But right now I'm spending all my money on Iranian drones. Just until we can get our powerful Russian drones working with the microchips we pried out of toaster ovens, naturally. Also, we have a little manpower shortage over here. I know I said I would give you many rubles for the nude pictures of the French President oil-wrestling with Greta Thunberg when she was eleven, but right now I could use some trigger-happy Proud Boys. Got any?
TRUMP: Love to help you, Vlad, but the PB's are keeping on the down-low until the January 6th trials blow over. How about a list of all US spies in Russia?
PUTIN: Anybody I thought was a spy, I sent to Ukraine. Zelensky dropped missiles on them all. Spying problem way down. I can offer Russian citizenship to the Oath Keepers. They can bring their own guns. As a matter of fact, they get double-secret-enhanced-super-citizenship if they bring their own guns.
TRUMP: How about the inside info on Brazil's nuclear defense posture?
PUTIN: Brazil is low on my attack list right now, Donald. How about you have one of your famous packed rallies in Irkutsk in a couple weeks. No-cost airplane tickets to Russia provided--incoming flights are kind of empty for the next few months. Afterwards, free van transportation to all attendees to their new positions on the front lines in Izyum!
TRUMP: A direct feed from our spy satellites?
PUTIN: Nyet. Can you persuade Q-Anon that Hillary Clinton is running sex slaves out of a basement in Kyiv? Where they go one, they go all, so they might as well go to Ukraine is what I think.
TRUMP: We're not getting anywhere here, Vlad. But I still wish you well. Don't end up in front of a firing squad.
PUTIN: You too, old pal. I'm the last person in the world who wants to see you broke and in prison.
(The phone call ends)
PUTIN: ублюдок овец! (Sheep-fucker!)