You haven’t been thinking about the Epstein files lately, and that’s fair, because a lot of other stuff has been going on. The STRAIT OF HORMUZ, for example (sometimes called the STRAIGHT OF HORMUZ on Twitter/X by Republican commentators, or the GAY OF HORMUZ by sarcastic lefties) a treacherous, narrow passage on the other side of the world, which is blocked more often than a college freshman on a first date, has been on the top of the news charts for a month. “This strait is a unique geographical feature,” we are told, but no one adds, “But so is EPSTEIN ISLAND.”
THE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT was foremost on everyone’s mind for a few days there, and Trump’s subsequent whining after a BALLROOM. At least he isn’t complaining that he doesn’t have AN UNDERAGE SEX RANCH IN NEW MEXICO, which Epstein enjoyed.
JAMES COMEY THREATENING THE PRESIDENT’S LIFE WITH A SEASHELL ARRANGEMENT is a critical moment of national peril, according to Todd Blanche and Kash Patel, who are little licky lapdogs for Trump, and also the Attorney General and the FBI director, respectively. These 35 or so seashells, arranged on an East Coast beach, and merely photographed by Comey, are what we need to focus on, rather that the 1.5 MILLION EPSTEIN DOCUMENTS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN RELEASED YET.
RACCOON PENIS. Just think about RACCOON PENIS for a minute, instead of all those moldy old privileged penises that were waved in little girl’s faces by EPSTEIN’S CLIENTS. Okay, you don’t want to? Well, RFK, Jr. tried. Kudos to the Secretary of Roadkill.
YOUR NEXT PASSPORT WILL HAVE A PICTURE OF TRUMP ON IT. Will this lead to an epidemic of people wiping themselves with their passports? Only time will tell, but at least it’s not a picture of TRUMP WITH EPSTEIN, even though there were many of those to choose from.
MELANIA WANTS JIMMY KIMMEL FIRED. The First Lady pretended to be offended by the comedian, when he remarked that she might soon be a widow, even though it’s obvious to everybody that she, like many, many other people worldwide, prays every day for a clump of cholesterol formed from one of Trump’s daily cheeseburgers to break loose and clog up one of his vital organs. At least she just wants Kimmel’s job. She doesn’t want him to BE FOUND HUNG IN A JAIL CELL UNDER EXTREMELY QUESTIONABLE CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE EPSTEIN WAS.
There you have it. Stuff for you to contemplate, instead of things like Trump being an adjudicated rapist, with at least twenty-four women having accused him of sexual assault, and the owner of an underage beauty pageant whose naked backstage he habituated. All this is a matter of record, but you need to believe he nonetheless never, ever, not even once, took advantage of one of his pal EPSTEIN’S offers to fix him up with a scared shitless and doubtless completely revolted teenage girl.
Trump always checked ID before he raped someone.
That’s what you should be thinking.
THE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT was foremost on everyone’s mind for a few days there, and Trump’s subsequent whining after a BALLROOM. At least he isn’t complaining that he doesn’t have AN UNDERAGE SEX RANCH IN NEW MEXICO, which Epstein enjoyed.
JAMES COMEY THREATENING THE PRESIDENT’S LIFE WITH A SEASHELL ARRANGEMENT is a critical moment of national peril, according to Todd Blanche and Kash Patel, who are little licky lapdogs for Trump, and also the Attorney General and the FBI director, respectively. These 35 or so seashells, arranged on an East Coast beach, and merely photographed by Comey, are what we need to focus on, rather that the 1.5 MILLION EPSTEIN DOCUMENTS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN RELEASED YET.
RACCOON PENIS. Just think about RACCOON PENIS for a minute, instead of all those moldy old privileged penises that were waved in little girl’s faces by EPSTEIN’S CLIENTS. Okay, you don’t want to? Well, RFK, Jr. tried. Kudos to the Secretary of Roadkill.
YOUR NEXT PASSPORT WILL HAVE A PICTURE OF TRUMP ON IT. Will this lead to an epidemic of people wiping themselves with their passports? Only time will tell, but at least it’s not a picture of TRUMP WITH EPSTEIN, even though there were many of those to choose from.
MELANIA WANTS JIMMY KIMMEL FIRED. The First Lady pretended to be offended by the comedian, when he remarked that she might soon be a widow, even though it’s obvious to everybody that she, like many, many other people worldwide, prays every day for a clump of cholesterol formed from one of Trump’s daily cheeseburgers to break loose and clog up one of his vital organs. At least she just wants Kimmel’s job. She doesn’t want him to BE FOUND HUNG IN A JAIL CELL UNDER EXTREMELY QUESTIONABLE CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE EPSTEIN WAS.
There you have it. Stuff for you to contemplate, instead of things like Trump being an adjudicated rapist, with at least twenty-four women having accused him of sexual assault, and the owner of an underage beauty pageant whose naked backstage he habituated. All this is a matter of record, but you need to believe he nonetheless never, ever, not even once, took advantage of one of his pal EPSTEIN’S offers to fix him up with a scared shitless and doubtless completely revolted teenage girl.
Trump always checked ID before he raped someone.
That’s what you should be thinking.
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