“The secret is porn,” confided an anonymous source from the White House. “We tried putting in pie charts, colorful tables and even cartoon images of international leaders in the PDB to grab his attention, to no avail, but the one thing the President can’t tear his eyes off of is porn. He just devours that daily briefing now.”
What kind of porn does Trump prefer?
“The President has very broad tastes in porn. Lesbian, bondage, orgy, gang-bang and bukkake are all categories that please him. Of course, he has favorites. Anything with Stormy Daniels in it makes him get all sentimental. Certain sites please him more than others—we were giving him downloads from bigdicksmatter.com, but noticed he paid more attention if we gave him material from All Dicks Matter. If we really want to make sure he enjoys it, we print out something from that thumb drive we confiscated from Epstein.”
I don’t understand how having Trump checking out porn makes him more aware of threats against the nation.
“It’s simple. After we print out the porn, we write top-secret information in cartoon dialogue balloons coming out of the porn actors’ mouths. For example, instead of saying something you would typically hear in porn, like, “Oh, Jesus, I’m coming,” Chloe Cherry will be saying, “Iran is giving Hamas material for dirty bombs,” or “Erdogan’s going to shut down Trump Tower Istanbul for health code violations again if you don’t give him another chunk of Syria.”
And you really think he’s absorbing that information?
“Well, he always has a Sharpie on him when he’s reviewing the PDB, and sometimes he seems to take notes. Sometimes he just uses it to draw bigger breasts on the women, though. I’m not saying it’s a perfect system. We try to put the most important stuff in the first few pages, because once he—how can I put this delicately? Let’s just say, once he has another 'Presidential achievement,' so to speak, he just tosses the PDB away and goes back to trying to look up Ainsley Earhardt's skirt on Fox and Friends.”