“He’ll be okay,” said a Trump spokesman, who preferred to remain anonymous. “Last I saw, he was peacefully munching on a ketchup sandwich in the kitchen, wondering if he should make Tim Scott dress up like a lawn jockey at his next rally.
“All he has to do is send out another fundraising appeal. Unwashed dolts from all across the nation will rush to pay his fines. That’s the beauty of MAGA. Trump followers will hock their dentures in order to send him ten bucks. That happens 35 million times, and his escrow problems are over. Everybody’s got ten bucks. For Trump fans, that’s only half a box of bullets or the cost of a double catfish sandwich at Big Betsy’s Bar and Grill. It’s a small price to pay to keep them immigrants out of the holler, is what they figure.
“So what if they have to aim a little more carefully at the squirrels they sport-shoot from their trailer porches? Or drink Busch Light instead of Coors Light for a month? These people are ready to sacrifice to insure that Trump gets back in the White House. They remember all the good things that happened when Trump was President, like when their Aunt Hepzibah died of the covid and left them all her furniture, including that washer-dryer set that was practically brand new, and when you could get oxycodone pills down by the monument instead of having to dip your Winstons in fentanyl to get high.
“Shit was just better then, man. And Trump’s backwoods peeps don’t understand why Trump’s in trouble anyway, even if they catch a glimpse of CNN and find out about it accidentally. Over-inflating his property values? Around here, if a guy can trade a lame hound dog for meth fixings, or sell a pickup with a blown head gasket for Blue Book, that’s considered smart business. So what if you can call Trump’s accounting entirely fictional? Even if you renamed Trump’s ledgers Harry Potter and the Wands of the Whimsical Number Crunchers, MAGA’s don’t care.
“So, Trump’s not worried. He knows that every time he gets in trouble, yick-a-doos all over America are going to swipe ten bucks out of their grandma’s insulin money and send it to him, and feel good about themselves for bailing out a billionaire. They know Trump is the only President who ever let them keep their guns and a real guy who gets as mad as they do when they overhear a conversation in Spanish.
“Look, I’d love to keep explaining this to you, but I gotta go. Just got a text from Steve Bannon. I need to find out if they make jockey outfits in Tim Scott’s size.”