SATAN: Everything cool here, Donald? (Laughs. It is one of Lucifer’s favorite jokes). Seriously. We’ve got nothing but the best for you. The fieriest fire, the brimmiest brimstone. Nobody gets tortured biglier than you. Are you hot enough? Just kidding—you must be happy that you don’t have to use tanning spray to make your face orange anymore. Of course, eternity is the same length for everybody. Wish I could make yours longer, but…
TRUMP: That’s okay.
SATAN: Are you enjoying looking at this beautiful piece of cake? How about this pussy, right out of grabbing range? And your weekend trips to Hell’s golf course? It was my idea not to put any holes in it. Best I could come up with. I realize it makes it only marginally more boring and endless than regular golf. I hope you’re not disappointed with it.
TRUMP: Could I get a cart with a regular seat cushion instead of a bed of nails next time?
SATAN: (Cheerfully) No.
TRUMP: How about a different foursome? I’m tired of playing with Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan and Rosie O’Donnell.
SATAN: No, it’s part of their eternity of torment to play with you. They all hate it, too.
TRUMP: I’d even golf with John McCain.
SATAN: If he ever shows up here. You know he beat the brain cancer. Then he had both kidneys fail, but got a transplant from Kid Rock in return for his endorsement for Rock's Senate run. Then he got re-captured by the North Vietnamese. Fortunately for him, they released him in time for him to win his twelfth Senate term. He’s still going strong.
TRUMP: How about my people? Kellyanne?
SATAN: Interesting story there. Nobody thought it was possible to lie your way into Heaven until she did it.
TRUMP: How about Reince? And Sean? And Jeff?
SATAN: An angel of the Lord appeared to them the day they all of them quit and gave them a Get Out of Hell Free card. I was as pissed about it as anybody, but God really treasures major ass-kissers. The whole worship thing, you know.
TRUMP: What about my base? I could really use a rally one of these days.
SATAN: They trickle in, but hardly enough to fill an arena. They’re all living longer, because they still have Obamacare.
TRUMP: What about getting my picture on the money? I heard it was going to be on the hundred.
SATAN: There have been some developments there. (reaches into his robe, pulls out a C-note. On it is the face of Barack Obama. Grins evilly, which is plenty evil—remember, they don’t call him the Prince of Darkness for nothing. Loudly) NOW YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY IN HELL!
TRUMP: (whimpering) Have you no mercy?
SATAN: No. What a stupid question. Well, I can’t spend all eternity with you, much as you deserve it. Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and Putin are next on my list, then I’m going to play with my Pope collection. Any messages for them?
TRUMP: Tell them all I’m sorry I didn’t make them Attorneys General. Especially Putin.