The Trump Administration plans to “phase out” FEMA by 2026--News item
Little noticed, in this week’s episodes of melodrama from the White House circus chimps, was a Trumpian vow to eliminate FEMA, the national agency that offers aid after national emergencies, and let individual states handle their own disasters.
“Republican donors are tired of paying taxes to rebuild the homes of people who only have one home,” said one major MAGA donor. “If you don’t have the foresight to have several properties in different areas of the country or world to move to when a natural disaster destroys one of your homes, why should we share the cost of bailing you out?”
But many disasters affect more than one state. Hurricanes, for example. Been some big ones lately.
“Trump will phase out hurricanes along with FEMA.”
How?
“Well, the nuclear solution he advocated for in his first term. Just nuke ‘em the minute you name ‘em. It was only due to the opposition of Deep State meteorologists and climate scientists that we didn’t try that during the first term. DOGE fired all those guys, so there’s no one left to oppose atmospheric detonation of our biggest bombs if a hurricane seems like it’s headed for Mar a Lago. Worth a shot, right?”
What about when tornadoes and floods wipe out huge swaths of Trump country in the Midwest and Southeast? Seems like that happens nearly every month.
“Hey, they’ve got plenty of paper towels. And we’ll remind them that if the Democrats took away their guns, they wouldn’t be able to shoot looters in the aftermath. Also, that transgenders offend Jesus, so it’s their fault tornadoes strike in the first place. Let them think about who they’ve been letting use their bathrooms while they try to get their trailers back on their cinderblocks.”
So, if a massive earthquake erupts along the San Andreas fault, California is on its own?
“Ooooh, you said a bad word. California. If disaster strikes that state, they can patch themselves back together with their governor’s hair gel, as far as we’re concerned. The Republican Party is rooting for the San Andreas to spread wide open and swallow as many brown people as it can and scare the rest of them back across the border. Maybe then we won’t have to listen to marque el dos when we’re trying to refill our Viagra prescriptions at CVS.”
So, it’s the MAGA mindset that says FEMA is not doing any good anywhere—all those photos of them delivering fresh water, restoring electricity, sending helicopters up to rescue survivors—they were all fake news?
“Your average hurricane dumps nine inches or so of fresh water when it hits land—if you don’t have the foresight to set a couple buckets out, why should the government deliver you a pallet of Arrowhead? The longer the electricity is off, the longer it will be before people can charge their cell phones and start bitching on social media. And survivors—who needs them? Bunch of whiners, most of them. I don’t know anyone in either of the gated communities where I live who wants to listen to their pitiful cries to eat canned food and live indoors again.”
You’re willing to let your fellow Americans suffer and die in natural disasters just so you can get a tax break?
“You’re just putting it that way to make it sound heartless, but if it’s a big enough tax break, I’ll be able to afford a place in New Zealand. Can’t hear you from there, bro.”
Little noticed, in this week’s episodes of melodrama from the White House circus chimps, was a Trumpian vow to eliminate FEMA, the national agency that offers aid after national emergencies, and let individual states handle their own disasters.
“Republican donors are tired of paying taxes to rebuild the homes of people who only have one home,” said one major MAGA donor. “If you don’t have the foresight to have several properties in different areas of the country or world to move to when a natural disaster destroys one of your homes, why should we share the cost of bailing you out?”
But many disasters affect more than one state. Hurricanes, for example. Been some big ones lately.
“Trump will phase out hurricanes along with FEMA.”
How?
“Well, the nuclear solution he advocated for in his first term. Just nuke ‘em the minute you name ‘em. It was only due to the opposition of Deep State meteorologists and climate scientists that we didn’t try that during the first term. DOGE fired all those guys, so there’s no one left to oppose atmospheric detonation of our biggest bombs if a hurricane seems like it’s headed for Mar a Lago. Worth a shot, right?”
What about when tornadoes and floods wipe out huge swaths of Trump country in the Midwest and Southeast? Seems like that happens nearly every month.
“Hey, they’ve got plenty of paper towels. And we’ll remind them that if the Democrats took away their guns, they wouldn’t be able to shoot looters in the aftermath. Also, that transgenders offend Jesus, so it’s their fault tornadoes strike in the first place. Let them think about who they’ve been letting use their bathrooms while they try to get their trailers back on their cinderblocks.”
So, if a massive earthquake erupts along the San Andreas fault, California is on its own?
“Ooooh, you said a bad word. California. If disaster strikes that state, they can patch themselves back together with their governor’s hair gel, as far as we’re concerned. The Republican Party is rooting for the San Andreas to spread wide open and swallow as many brown people as it can and scare the rest of them back across the border. Maybe then we won’t have to listen to marque el dos when we’re trying to refill our Viagra prescriptions at CVS.”
So, it’s the MAGA mindset that says FEMA is not doing any good anywhere—all those photos of them delivering fresh water, restoring electricity, sending helicopters up to rescue survivors—they were all fake news?
“Your average hurricane dumps nine inches or so of fresh water when it hits land—if you don’t have the foresight to set a couple buckets out, why should the government deliver you a pallet of Arrowhead? The longer the electricity is off, the longer it will be before people can charge their cell phones and start bitching on social media. And survivors—who needs them? Bunch of whiners, most of them. I don’t know anyone in either of the gated communities where I live who wants to listen to their pitiful cries to eat canned food and live indoors again.”
You’re willing to let your fellow Americans suffer and die in natural disasters just so you can get a tax break?
“You’re just putting it that way to make it sound heartless, but if it’s a big enough tax break, I’ll be able to afford a place in New Zealand. Can’t hear you from there, bro.”
RSS Feed
