Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

We’re going to have a new national holiday next year, which is going to be called, rather clumsily, Juneteenth National Independence Day.
 
You can quibble about the name, and I’m prepared to (wouldn’t Emancipation Day been more to the point? Or Freedom Day, as the pic suggests?) but you can’t quibble about the sentiment, and Joe Biden won’t—he’ll be signing that holiday into law as soon as he gets over his jet lag from his European jaunt—even though we won’t get that day off until next year. June 19th is only two days away as of this writing, and a Saturday this year besides.
 
We need more holidays here in the US in any case, as I have previously pointed out. The US will only have 12 even after Juneteenth is instituted. Cambodia has 22. India has 21, and no, one of them is not Extend Your Car Warranty Day. So, we needed to catch up. Putting Juneteenth in between Memorial Day and the 4th gives us a brace of summer holidays to match the winter triad of Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year’s, at a time of year when it is much more comfortable to drink outside. I know progress when I see it.
 
And a national holiday is an easy lift for Congress, eager to sponge after the votes of black Americans. Easier than actually making it a snap to let them vote, for example, or to figure out how to keep cops from killing them on videos. Republicans are dead set against both of those things, but Juneteenth grubbed up votes from both sides of the aisle, with no one opposing it in the Senate, and only 14 Republicans in the house against it.
 
These 14 Republicans, all from outback districts in the South and West, claim that the new holiday is “divisive,” and that they were just listening to their constituents when they opposed it.
 
I believe that, but I also believe that their constituents were actually saying things like, “We already got one (N-word) day. Why do they get two?” These are not people who crab about divisiveness, because they are the same people who are always talking about Texas seceding, or re-arranging state borders so they can quit being out-voted by them college-educateds and people of color.
 
What holidays would make these people happy? Sure, Trump Day, but what day would that be? The ex-Caucasian-in-Chief just had a birthday, and what with Juneteenth on the books, making the 14th a holiday as well would be crowding up the month. Same with making the day he had sex with Stormy Daniels a national holiday, because that was in July of 2006 and would push up against the 4th.
 
Maybe Put A Flag or Four On Your Pickup Truck Day, Pal could be considered, and it would have the additional benefit of limiting redneck goon fake patriotism displays to one day a year. That would probably be its downfall. Also, people calling it Small Wang Road Rage Day.
 
January 6th as Fake News Day? Naw, Democrats would want to call it Big Lie Day. That’s never going to get through Congress.
 
We can wait for Trump to die. Some of us would want to use that occasion to build a giant disco over his grave, so that as many people as possible could dance on it at the same time, with cheap beer and roomy, no-gender restrooms located centrally in the structure for obvious reasons, but some people would feel a sense of loss at Trump’s demise, and a holiday would console them. And I would certainly drink, set off fireworks, blow off air horns and yell, “Trump’s still dead!” at my neighbors all day long.
 
We currently don’t have any national holidays from President’s Day in February until M-Day kicks off the summer, so if Trump could gulp that fatal cheeseburger sometime in March or April, it would give us a break from that current long stretch of soulless work days.
 
But, hey, let him know he doesn’t have to wait that long on my account.

Louie Gohmert, the low-in-the-Q’s perpetual Congressman from West Texas, has obviously had it with newcomer idiots Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor-Greene. He must have felt the title of Head Clown of Capitol Hill slipping out of his grasp at the antics of the new girls in town. The lightning bolts of boneheadedness in DC were no longer bursting solely out of his office.
 
Boebert had proclaimed that you can’t rewrite the Constitution, despite rewrites on the Founding Document that gave her the right to vote and become a Congressperson. She ran for office solely on a platform of wearing her favorite pair of tight jeans in front of racks of AR-15's, and has since introduced—yep, you guessed it--a Constitutional amendment.
 
And she did go to Congress, because the people of her district said, “Hell, I don’t care if that girl just got her GED. She owns more guns than she does pairs of pants. That’s the kind of representation we need in Washington.”
 
Greene went to the House because she was tired of threatening school shooting survivors and wanted to threaten other people, mostly female (AOC and the Squad, Pelosi), members of Congress. She also believes in guns. And Jewish space lasers.
 
Gohmert was obviously discomfited at losing his perennial front-runner status as a publicly-elected lamebrain. It was like the Yankees falling behind a pair of expansion teams. Gohmert needed a bold move to retake the lead and on Tuesday he made it, by asking an official in the US Forest Service if the Service, or perhaps BLM, could change the orbits of the Earth or the Moon to combat climate change.

And, hey, valid question, especially to a Tea Party stalwart like Gohmert. If you can't change the orbits of heavenly bodies, why have a government at all?
 
Also, that’s BLM as in Bureau of Land Management, not Black Lives Matter. If Black Lives Matter wanted to change the orbit of the Earth, Gohmert would be strenuously against it. For sure. Forest Service rep Jennifer Eberlien replied that she would have to get back to him on that question.
 
This showed a either lot of self-discipline or cowardice on Eberlien’s part, because she should have just burst into laughter, tears and perhaps a sustained rolling on the hearing room floor until sedation was called for.
 
Or she could have pointed out that changing the Earth’s orbit even a few miles would require installing a rocket about a trillion times bigger than any we currently have at the South Pole and burning the world’s entire stock of fossil fuels in it at once, resulting in both incomprehensible pollution and all of Gohmert’s constituents in West Texas having to buy solar-powered pickup trucks and electric tractors anyway. Or that moving the Moon wouldn’t have much effect on climate, but if you moved it closer, the tides that wash into the streets of Miami now would be much higher, maybe sloshing over all the way to the Everglades.
 
She could have asked Gohmert why she was putting pressure on the Forest Service to change the Earth’s orbit when the job would logically fall to NASA, although maybe she was afraid Gohmert would answer, “Honey, all NASA does is fly helicopters on Mars. I’m looking for an agency that has a lot of earth-moving equipment already.”
 
I know people work long and hard and kiss startling amounts of ass to get government jobs so high-placed that they get to testify before Congress, and once they have them, they think that keeping them means being very circumspect about what they say. Eberlien is one of them. I’m not, which is why I never testify before Congress. I would have told Gohmert, “Buy me a bean burrito and wait an hour, and I’ll be able to flush something smarter than that question.”
 
But Louie wouldn’t care. He’s back on top.
 

I don’t know about the future of artificial intelligence, but I can assure you that artificial stupidity has already arrived, and it, or at least Facebook’s version of it, has decided that I am a racist, Bible-believing, reactionary Republican dripping with discretionary income.
 
A casual observer of my person might suspect this, since I’m an old white guy, but it is not true. The girl and I had a discreet “Biden-Harris” sticker in the window before the last election, but it was only discreet because our HOA prohibits yard signs. I wanted to spray-paint “FUCK TRUMP” on our garage door, and I regretted not doing so, especially after the damn thing broke down in December and a new one cost $2300.
 
I had to settle for naming our wireless network “fucktrump.”
 
Thanks to my research efforts intended entirely to sharpen my satire, I get offers for t-shirts that say “My Rights Don’t End Where Your Feelings Begin,” which is advertised as “Being for Proud Americans.”
 
Probably sell more of them with that tagline than by saying, “Being for Thoughtless, Agitated Assholes,” but what do I know about marketing?
 
I have to admit I also get ads for t-shirts that say “I Could Go a Day Without Beer but Why Risk It?” which seem to at least vaguely recognize who I really am.
 
But I am not sending money to Ted Cruz to help him keep the country from descending into a socialist hell. I am cool with the Biden plan of killing off the virus and restoring the economy. I can think of only one person I would rather give money to less than Ted Cruz, and that is Rand “Won’t You Be My Neighbor, Because My Last One Punched My Lights Out,” Paul, who wants me to send him money to fire Anthony Fauci, even though he is not Fauci’s boss. I would rather donate to Vladimir Putin’s re-election campaign than either one of those guys.
 
Or maybe Mike Huckabee, ex-governor of Arkansas and lying Internet hustler. He wants me to buy a book from him that teaches kids how to recognize “fake news,” which, surprise, surprise, teaches kids how to believe everything Hannity tells them. He also offers a book that explains to innocents how to argue back when confronted by atheist kids with the fact that Adam and Eve only had two documented kids, both of whom were male, so where did the human race come from? Mike advises kids that while the Bible is inerrantly true, it is also sometimes short on details.
 
Huckabee is missing the mark advertising to me personally as well as politically--my kid will turn 30 this year. He also doesn’t seem to realize that kids care very little about politics and theology. What kids care about is war and bloodshed, as I recall from my days of playing army in the dirt with a piece of wood as a pretend rifle, and today’s kids exemplify by fighting online combat games. Huckabee doesn’t offer any kid-friendly advice on these interests, although a book called, “Hey, It Really, Really Hurts When You Get Hit by a Bullet,” might serve as a helpful reminder to kids not to shoot themselves or others when they get a real gun.
 
Useful advice is not what Huckabee is accustomed to selling, though. He’s retired from politics now, although he’s gung-ho for his overweight daughter with two different-sized eyes to follow in his footsteps by becoming Governor of Arkansas, relying heavily on her resume as an unsurpassed prevaricator to appeal to the voters of that benighted state.
 
If Sarah loses, she can follow in her dad’s footsteps by writing kid’s books. “You Already Lie to Your Mom, But Nobody Pays You for That,” has a nice ring to it.

You can now pre-order the Lee Greenwood Bible, the latest hustle by the publishing Christian right to try and separate the evangelical base from another fifty bucks, and it will be shipped to you by the anniversary of the 9-11 attack on the US, so you can hold it reverently in your hands as you ask God if we’ve killed enough Muslims to avenge it.
 
This is not exactly how this Bible is advertised, but I’m sure you can use it for that. The Lee Greenwood Bible contains, besides the King James version of the same, a “readable” copy of the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, the Pledge of Allegiance and the lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s sappy patriotic anthem “God Bless the USA.”
 
So, it’s easy worth the fifty bucks, even though you could get a Bible for free from that motel room you get to have sex with your second cousin while her husband’s working nights any time you want. That Bible doesn’t contain any of the thoughts of Lee Greenwood, though, just the standard mumblings and vague threats of various prophets and disciples. Lee’s a little more straightforward than the Book of Revelations, for example, when he writes, “And I'm proud to be an American/where at least I know I'm free,” which means that nobody else anywhere is free, even Europeans and Australians who vote for their leaders and have free speech and press, because they are yoked under the tyranny of universal health care.
 
See? Country-western musicians can be interpreted just like the words of Jesus. The Greenwood Bible has the advantage of combining stuff you never read (Bible, Constitution) with stuff you don’t need to read because you know it by heart (Pledge of Allegiance, country songs).
 
So, it doesn’t have to be opened at all. It can just sit there on your coffee table, proclaiming your religiosity and patriotism to whoever drops by, whether it be your pastor looking for his tithe or the FBI, wondering where you were on January 6th.
 
This Bible’s marketers seem to recognize that no one is about to buy one of these books for themselves, so the web page you can order it from has a list of people you can gift it to. Some of these suggestions are believable, like “The family,” because there’s nothing like a great big Bible/Constitution lying on the coffee table to remind you not to leave your sister’s underpants on it when you’re done having sex with her.
 
Others are not so convincing. “American History buffs?” The amount of American history in the Bible is negligible. “Grandparents?” They’re probably familiar with the Bible already, but you want them to remember what a good kid you really are when you need bail money, so maybe. “New American citizens?” Complete bullshit. You don’t know any, and if you did, you would be annoyed by them to the point of smacking them around. It’s not a hate crime if you just hate someone’s accent, right?
 
So, Lee Greenwood’s got a pretty viable product here. He’s probably going to make some money off of it, which will supplement the income he makes croaking out “God Bless the USA,” in some dank Vegas lounge six nights a week, which, like all musicians who had at least one hit song, is the way he’ll finish out his career.
 
But he’d better watch out for the competition. With the Country-Western Bible on the shelves, can the NASCAR Bible be far behind?

A lot has been made of the Trumpification of the GOP lately, with many pundits (including conservative ones) bemoaning that the party has abandoned its time-honored principles of law and order, fiscal responsibility and keeping the racism to a dog-whistle to beating up at least some cops, running deficits the size of Chris Christie’s boxers and openly welcoming the Proud Boys to their conventions.
 
All this is true, but it misses the simplest point about today’s Republican Party, which is that the attention whores are leading it. The biggest one of all is still the ex-Caucasian-in-Chief, who holds vast sway over the armed diabetics that constitute its core, but whose grip may be loosened soon by a lack of Twitter and a couple of grisly indictments.
 
Regular Republican politicians may think they are going to take his place in the 2024 arena, but the feeling here is that they are mistaken. Mitch McConnell, the ultimate pay-no-attention-to-that-man-behind-the-curtain type of political manipulator, may fantasize that he’ll wind up with some kind of docile Republican hack taking back the White House in 2025, if he doesn’t get Trump again, but he’s liable to be proved bitterly wrong.
 
Mike Pompeo? When was the last time we had a fat President? Even if you count Lyndon Johnson as a tub, that was a while back. Have another slice of pie, Mike, and sit this one out. Mike Pence? You’d think that upholding the Constitution wouldn’t be a fatal political blunder, but here we are. Ted Cruz? Once you’ve acquired the nickname “Cancun,” your chances of setting up in the Oval Office are gone.
 
Tom Cotton and Josh Hawley have as nearly much personal appeal between them as Jared Fogel, the former sandwich pedophile.
 
No, the future of the GOP is on tour right now. Who better to lead the party than Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor-Greene? That combination of I-snort-all-my-coke-off-hooker’s-asses party boy with someone who keeps a steely eye out for kosher death rays from space is about the only thing that will motivate the Trumpezoids to get out and vote. Their accomplishments during the recent pandemic shone with personal magnetism, with Gaetz ushering in the year of covid by wearing a gas mask on the House floor to mock the future deaths of 600,000 Americans, to MTG comparing being asked to get vaccinated to being hauled off to Buchenwald at the end.
 
And speaking of rising Republican stars, don’t forget the lady in Nashville who was selling “I’m Not Vaccinated” Stars of David. Sure, her headwear biz is in the toilet right now, but it’s only a Go Fund Me campaign from being rescued, and then, can a run for Congress be far behind?
​
A Gaetz-Greene ticket wouldn’t have to promise much more than to hang Democrats, particularly Pelosi and Ocasio-Cortez, if elected, to attract votes. Not that they would get a majority of them, or even win the Electoral College, but during the ritual riot at the Capitol after they lost, possibly they would be successful at it then.
 
After all, they’ve had the practice.

My late father, who was not exactly a font of wisdom, used to use the expression, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles,” when confronted with an inevitable event, like him losing at poker or the horse races.
 
That’s the only thing he ever taught me, besides using the lawnmower when I was old enough to reach the handles so he wouldn’t have to cut the grass anymore, so I suppose I should treasure it.
 
Cookies have a whole new meaning nowadays though, and Facebook cookies have crumbled so that the ad that pops up most frequently when I log on to FB nowadays is an invitation to donate to Prison Fellowship International, which wants $15 from me so they can “introduce a prisoner to Jesus Christ right now.” I am also told that the funds I donate would ensure that every prisoner who wants one would get a Bible.
 
What is possessing the PFI to spend its FB advertising dollars on me I can't say. To say that buying Bibles for anyone is among the lowest of my priorities would be a considerable understatement. Anything this side of undergoing chemotherapy would interest me more than shipping Bibles to convicts. Cynically, I imagine most of them would be hollowed out to conceal a shiv or other contraband. Equally cynically, I expect that prison inhabitants who actually want to read the Bible already have one.
 
Prisoners are actually more religious than the population at large, according to this post, although admittedly the data is murky. It’s easy to see why convicts are more religious than average, though. It’s the opposite of the reason that successful professional athletes are more religious than most. An MVP is religious because when he prayed to Jesus to hit one out of the park in the bottom of the ninth and did it, he thinks Jesus helped him swing the bat. Prisoners are religious because the turn of life that landed them in the pen, whether it was an abysmal lawyer, a partner in crime that snitched them out, planted drugs by a corrupt cop or actually having done something hideously wrong, was orchestrated by God to punish them for wrongdoings they weren’t caught at.
 
You can’t fix this forehead-smacking error in logic by giving cons more Bibles. I would rather give $15 to help the incarcerated obtain free streaming porn, which I suspect they would find infinitely more comforting, and would probably cut down on dropped-the-soap-in-the-shower foreplay in America’s penal institutions.
 
But I’m not going to do that, either. Instead, I am offering free Bibles to anyone currently in Facebook jail, of which I have many among my FB friends. I am seldom placed in FB detention myself. I wonder why sometimes, since I have as shitty a ‘tude as anyone else on here. Maybe it’s because I never post memes with bare titties in them, because if you want to be exposed to bare titties, that’s not my problem. Try Google. Acres of them there.

If you are mourning your errors in FB jail, though, bereft of the ability to comment on the frolickings of Smudge the Cat and his accusatory, tear-stained blonde companion, Leonardo de Caprio’s sardonic drunken smirk, or Pepe the Frog, and think that reading about Noah’s Ark or Jesus miraculously making Filet ‘o Fish sandwiches for a horde of followers out of a couple of mackerels and a half-loaf of challah bread will help you pass those sad, useless hours until Zuckerberg sets you free, contact me.
 
I’ll send you a Bible. *
 
*This offer is made completely sarcastically. No one is getting any Bibles from me. In fact, if you send me a request for a Bible, I will promptly sell your contact information to Nigeria and any politician begging for money who lives at least three states away from you.

Former Senator and right-wing bleater Rick Santorum will no longer be spouting unhinged gibberish on CNN, thanks to his recent remarks denigrating the existence of Native Americans, which were roughly along the lines of, “Indians? Fuck ‘em, unless I’m chowing down at one of their casino buffets.”
 
No, I made that up. Rick’s remarks were more like, “Indians? A bunch of people living in ditches until white Christians came here, killed most of them and built suburbs over their graveyards. Hasn’t everybody here seen Poltergeist?”
 
That might not be strictly accurate either, but it is said in the style of Santorum, a mean-spirited sanctimoniousness that was yet to fall under the thrall of Trump in Rick’s heyday. Why CNN hired him in the first place was a mystery to everyone. He was always basically Ted Nugent with a tie and a Bible.
 
But here, there’s always been a soft spot for Rick. In honor of his losing probably the last respectable job he’s ever going to have, the following is some thoughts I entertained about Santorum back in 2012, when he was conducting a laughably inept campaign for the Presidency.
 
Some of you may have read this already, but here it is again, just to let you know that I was boldly talking Rick Santorum when nobody else was talking Santorum. 

The former senator from Pennsylvania, now running for President, says Senator McCain "doesn't know how effective"  enhanced interrogation techniques can be, even though McCain was a prisoner of war for five years and tortured on many occasions by his North Vietnamese captors.

An insider for the Santorum campaign brushed off criticism of Santorum's comments. "People question Rick Santorum's experience and political acumen. Remember, we're talking about a guy who served one full term in the Senate before booted out into the street by Pennsylvania voters. In the intervening six years, Rick has boosted his personal qualifications for higher office in a Herculean fashion."

Asked for an example, the Santorum spokesman replied. "As you know, Rick has always been pro-life, so he knows more about unwanted pregnancies than the women who don't want them. He's always been anti-evolution, so he knows more about science than scientists. He's always been anti-gay, so he knows more about the repulsive nature of homosexual acts than the homosexuals who perform them. It shouldn't surprise anyone that he knows more about torture than someone who's been tortured.

"Now that he's thinking about running for President, he's expanded the range of his knowledge even further." 

When skepticism was expressed by this reporter his objections were brushed aside. "Frankly, the rest of the Republican field had better watch out for Santorum. He knows more about being an eerie loony from Texas than Ron Paul. He knows more about being a semi-literate housewife who's never read or written anything longer than a Twitter post in her entire life than Sarah Palin. He's an even bigger has-been than Newt Gingrich."

Asked if the American people didn't deserve a President with a more significant grasp of reality, the spokesman replied indignantly, 'I have no idea what you are talking about. When the sexual abuse scandal broke out in the Catholic Church, of which Rick is a proud member, Rick was the first one to point out that it was probably caused by increasing public toleration of homosexuality."

In other words, according to Santorum, if they hadn't watched Queer Eye, the offending priests would have kept their hands off the altar boys?

"Without a doubt."

A final question. Isn't it true that Santorum has no real hope of being nominated for President, and is hoping for the Vice-Presidency instead?

"The campaign steadfastly denies any interest in the Vice Presidency. However, Rick Santorum definitely knows more about being Vice President than Joe Biden."

Need more past ramblings on Santorum? Click here.

The Biden socialist agenda grinds on, and by socialism, Tito Joe’s opponents mean programs that are designed to help people who don’t own at least one vacation home. Yes, sticking Jeff Bezos with the tab for fixing the roads that his thousands of trucks drive on is the death-knell of our freedoms. We must instead tax the drivers of those trucks for the infrastructure rebuilding we need, or else commence our fatal descent into Communist hell.
 
All of this is important and true, but we miss the steady hand and expert guidance of Trump in other, equally important arenas as well.
 
No one from the White House is telling us what kind of beans to eat. We are wandering in the wilderness, absent frijole guidance from the White House. Nobody in America knows what kind of beans Biden favors. We are forced to nourish our fart-channels with any old can we choose, while Biden has his meetings and grapples with policy issues, ignoring, as far as we can tell, all legume-related questions.
 
As we lay our newly-vaccinated heads on our pillows at night, we can’t help but stare at the ceiling in sleepless wonder, knowing that, in the Biden administration, the President of the United States has blithely ignored all pillow choices facing the American public. Do we have the politically correct sleep furnishings supporting our restless noggins? Don’t ask Biden. He callously disregards all pillow issues.
 
What is the President’s relationship with Rosie O’Donnell like? Jen Psaki never has a word to say about Rosie. Does Biden think she is a “fat pig?” Or did he quietly abandon this sturdy plank of Trump principle, like he has so many others? We don’t know.
 
Likewise, windmills in Scotland. Trump used to rail about them all the time. Now the brave Scots are forced to face the perils of windmill cancer without a peep of support or sympathy from the Oval Office.
 
We don’t know whether the New York Times is “failing.” We don’t know whether Morning Joe is “dumb.” This was information that was reliably supplied by the previous Administration, but the Biden White House is just plain indifferent about keeping the American people updated on these crucial questions.
 
Is CNN falling in the ratings? Biden doesn’t tell us, but I suspect it is. I saw a headline on its web site the other day, about a chunk of rock falling in the Galapagos. It was the collapse of a natural stone arch. In the halcyon days of Trump, full of CNN headlines about injecting yourself with bleach, cramming kids into what were basically dog carriers, and good-people-on-both-sides equivalencies, a rockfall in a place where it takes three flights and one boat ride to get to from the West Coast would not have made CNN’s front page.
 
I blame Biden. And, ominously for CNN, I didn’t click on the link.

Having had the same email address practically since email was invented, I get an excessive number of emails, most of which I immediately delete. Seriously. I have to check my email every day, not to be responsible, which I don’t want to be, but because if I don’t, I’ll have fifty or more emails to delete tomorrow.
 
Some I don’t delete, though, just because of their sheer weirdness, and I don’t mean Nigerian-prince-wants-to-share-his-throne-with-you weird. I get the Epoch Times delivered to my inbox every day. How this happened, I don’t know, but thanks to the Times I am constantly updated on the number of people who have died after getting vaccinated against Covid-19 (thousands) and am never reminded that if you take 150 million people as your sample, thousands of them are going to die in a week anyway. In fact, the Epoch Times never calls the virus Covid 19—they call it the Chinese Communist Party Virus, because, while they hate the CCP, they are mostly Chinese themselves, having been originally funded by the Falun Gong, and while they sleep with racists, they object to the ‘rona being referred to as the China Virus. If they could get away with calling it the Black Lives Matter Disease, they would.
 
It was probably them that gave my email to the National Association for Gun Rights, whose head honcho, one Dudley Brown, sent me an email the other day with the eye-catching subject: Need 9MM? : We’re Giving Away 1,000 Rounds to One Lucky Winner!
 
I don’t need a thousand rounds of 9MM FMJ (full metal jacket) bullets, especially from someone who thinks a full colon belongs after a question mark. I haven’t had a gun since 1992 or so, and even then, it wasn’t a 9MM. I bought a gun in 1980 because I thought it would be cool to have one, went target shooting with my revolver a couple times, then stuck it in a succession of closets for the next twelve years. It was only removed one time during that period, which was when my then-wife tried to shoot an earthquake with it. I got rid of it when my son started to walk.
 
Dudley sucked up to me by addressing me as “Fellow Patriot,” but I quickly saw through that. In the minds of people like Brown, the meaning of “patriot” has migrated south from “one who loves his country and the principles it was founded on,” to “someone who is willing to murder Democrats.”
 
In addition to my chance at the free ammo, Dudley was willing to throw in a subscription to Gunpowder Magazine, the publication sponsored by the NAGR. So, I checked that out to see what I would be missing if I declined that offer. Sure enough, it was a collection of articles bemoaning states that are pushing “secure storage” laws for guns, which would forbid gun owners from concealing their pistols under their sofa cushions or in their kid’s toy boxes, and other articles praising the efforts of states like Texas, which are proposing laws to let every citizen carry concealed weapons everywhere, on the premise that surprise gunfire on account of any minor misunderstanding is a Constitutionally protected right.
 
They also do “product reviews.” One was of an automatic pistol with a built-in silencer, in case you wanted to fantasize that the CIA was willing to recruit your high-school-dropout ass while you were plinking cans and drinking Old Milwaukee in the woods, and the other was a murder machine capable of spitting out fifty rounds faster than you can say “Newt Gingrich.”
 
But I’m tempted. Subjects for satire seem so much sparser now that we no longer have a Caucasian-in-Chief, and who can tell what rich and colorful characters the Dudster can sell my email to?
 
I’m sending it in.

​During an appearance on the QAnon program "Up Front in The Prophetic," Bishop Larry Gaiters declared that the deaths of Joe Biden's wife and daughter in 1972 and the death of his son Beau in 2015 were a "satanic sacrifice" to help Biden's political career--News item
 
This explains everything. Bishop Gaiters cuts through the crap of conspiracy theories about Venezuelan voting machines and millions of dead people casting ballots to arrive at the simple, Occam’s Razor tested, explanation for Donald Trump’s loss last fall—Biden sacrificed three immediate family members to the Dark Lord so he could someday be President.
 
So, simmer down, Mike Lindell. This is your chance to get out of being sued by Dominion Voting Systems for a billion dollars’ worth of pillows. Just say, “I take it all back—Bishop Gaiters convinced me that Satan switched all those votes to Biden.”
 
The same for you, Rudy. Lin Wood, too. The American people are off the hook, as well. When any one of the 85 million of us that voted for Joe are asked why we would want to do such a thing, probably by someone with Lawn and Garden bags full of gasoline in the back of their pickup truck, we can reply, “The Devil made me do it.”
 
The exact mechanism by which Tito Joe sacrificed his first wife, child daughter and adult son to the forces of evil is not detailed by the Bishop, although he avers that “two FBI agents” told him he was on the right track. Officially, Biden’s first wife and his daughter were killed in a car accident, and his son Beau by brain cancer in 2015.
 
It’s easy to see how the young Biden could don black robes, tie his wife and child onto a stone altar in ’72, ignore their cries for mercy, drive obsidian daggers through their hearts and drink their blood from a gold chalice afterwards, toasting Lucifer for making him a Senator, and fake the car crash afterwards. It’s more difficult to see how he could pull off the same deal with Beau, who was the Attorney General of Delaware at the time of his death and both younger and stronger than his aged father and presumably someone fairly well-watched, too.
 
But he did, according to the Bishop. And it makes sense, because Biden only has a single son left, and obviously the Devil already owns Hunter’s soul.
 
Questions remain, though. Why didn’t Trump counter last fall by sacrificing one of his own kids to the Prince of Darkness? Tiffany springs to mind, natch, although there’s little doubt that Trump would have happily killed any other of his useless, cloying offspring as well, and displayed their lifeless corpses like Don Jr. holding up the head of a dead cheetah, rather than lose the election.
 
Bishop Gaiter, whose title, as far as I can tell, is entirely self-granted, has predictions for future deaths as well. He is particularly keen on seeing Lady Gaga bite the dust, for singing the national anthem at Biden’s inauguration, probably, although publicly he says it’s because she is on an "American roster of witches" who will be decapitated by "the sword of God's word" in the future.
 
I’d be worried if I was Lady Gaga because God, unlike Satan, has a documented history of demanding human sacrifice. Consider the story of Abraham and his son Isaac. God demanded that Abraham sacrifice his son, and the patriarch had his offspring all tied up and ready to stab when God appeared again and said, “I was just shitting you, Abe.”
 
This is one of those Bible stories that confirm the thinking over here, which is that God can be shady AF sometimes.
 
But Bishop Gaiter can be shadier.