Paula White, the Tangerine Drama Queen’s go-to girl for God, noted for selling angels on the Internet, revealed (in tongues) the other day that Jesus appeared to her and told her He especially favored white guys who wear makeup, drink a lot and can’t keep their dicks in their pants.
“I was making change for a blessing purchase the other day,” White, who holds the title of Presidential Spiritual Advisor, although she sometimes refers to herself as a Pre-Blessed Hottie, “when Jesus suddenly appeared to me and confessed that He really digs Pete Hegseth and the Boss.”
“I mean it, Paula,” the Lord said. “I mean I know I went on about the meek, the poor and the humble when I walked the earth, but that was because, as a Young Redeemer, I wasn’t a popular kid. I hung around with the other losers and tried to make them feel better about themselves. I was jeered at by all the cool kids in Nazareth--the ones who got invited to all the parties and got all the girls. But now that Pete Hegseth has publicly proclaimed his love for Me, I feel compelled to proclaim My love for him, and all the other smooth guys, like JD Vance—I so dig the eye-makeup on that semi-Catholic dude. And Trump too—I would have turned Air Force One into gold Myself, if he had asked Me before he asked the Qatarese."
“So, I’ve got a few edits to the Beatitudes, just to let those guys know I feel their awesomeness. Jot these down, Paula.”
“Blessed are they who have their own taxpayer-funded makeup studios, for they shall ever look fine on Fox News.”
‘Blessed are they who have children by three different wives and a side chick, for I have a pretty confused paternity situation Myself.”
“Blessed are they who turn loaves into fishes, and also, they who turn bitcoins into billions.”
“Blessed are they who get drunk in uniform and are tossed out of strip clubs, for they were just blowing off patriotic steam.”
“Blessed are they who order missile strikes on social media apps, for they will be called peacemakers on Newsmax.”
“Blessed are they who are persecuted by the lamestream media, for they will all get their own podcasts.”
“You got that? Frankly, if these guys had been around in the early After Me’s, the whole New Testament might have turned out way different. I mean, it never occurred to Me to hang with the Pharisees and blow spitballs at the lepers and beggars, but now I see the fun in it."
Paula White, as befits a spiritual advisor, interrupted with a humble question. “So, oh Lord, can I tell those guys that their place in Heaven is assured?”
“Not so fast, Paula. While I’m really feeling the love for them, My Dad has the final say, and He’s way old school. Did you know that “DEI” is His name in Latin?”
“I was making change for a blessing purchase the other day,” White, who holds the title of Presidential Spiritual Advisor, although she sometimes refers to herself as a Pre-Blessed Hottie, “when Jesus suddenly appeared to me and confessed that He really digs Pete Hegseth and the Boss.”
“I mean it, Paula,” the Lord said. “I mean I know I went on about the meek, the poor and the humble when I walked the earth, but that was because, as a Young Redeemer, I wasn’t a popular kid. I hung around with the other losers and tried to make them feel better about themselves. I was jeered at by all the cool kids in Nazareth--the ones who got invited to all the parties and got all the girls. But now that Pete Hegseth has publicly proclaimed his love for Me, I feel compelled to proclaim My love for him, and all the other smooth guys, like JD Vance—I so dig the eye-makeup on that semi-Catholic dude. And Trump too—I would have turned Air Force One into gold Myself, if he had asked Me before he asked the Qatarese."
“So, I’ve got a few edits to the Beatitudes, just to let those guys know I feel their awesomeness. Jot these down, Paula.”
“Blessed are they who have their own taxpayer-funded makeup studios, for they shall ever look fine on Fox News.”
‘Blessed are they who have children by three different wives and a side chick, for I have a pretty confused paternity situation Myself.”
“Blessed are they who turn loaves into fishes, and also, they who turn bitcoins into billions.”
“Blessed are they who get drunk in uniform and are tossed out of strip clubs, for they were just blowing off patriotic steam.”
“Blessed are they who order missile strikes on social media apps, for they will be called peacemakers on Newsmax.”
“Blessed are they who are persecuted by the lamestream media, for they will all get their own podcasts.”
“You got that? Frankly, if these guys had been around in the early After Me’s, the whole New Testament might have turned out way different. I mean, it never occurred to Me to hang with the Pharisees and blow spitballs at the lepers and beggars, but now I see the fun in it."
Paula White, as befits a spiritual advisor, interrupted with a humble question. “So, oh Lord, can I tell those guys that their place in Heaven is assured?”
“Not so fast, Paula. While I’m really feeling the love for them, My Dad has the final say, and He’s way old school. Did you know that “DEI” is His name in Latin?”
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