Was not on the thread The Scandal O' The Day, enveloping the Trump White House in a cloud so thick you have to snap on the fog lights to drive up Pennsylvania Avenue is, for those of you have been marooned at sea for the last week, is the fact that the Tangerine Drama Queen’s National Security adviser added the Atlantic’s editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, to a text exchange he was having with the other slack-jawed goobers Trump has appointed to keep America safe about plans to bomb Yemen a couple hours before the missiles flew.
Despite White House wrapping the nation’s war plans in a security bubble about as airtight as a dollar store sandwich bag, the White House has denied any incompetence and responded by calling the Atlantic “a failing rag of left-wing transgender porn,” and Goldberg himself as a “Democratic radical communist schoolyard fentanyl dealer-pedophile who probably puts ketchup on hot dogs.” In spite of these entertaining libels, there is zero doubt that the security breach occurred.
It is our job here, though, to look at the bright side, and to help MAGA whenever we can, so here’s list of people who were NOT included on the group chat. It is offered to the White House here for free, in case the Administration cannot think of any more transparent lies or feebler justifications for their stomach-boggling incompetence on their own.
TAYLOR SWIFT: No doubt the Houthi’s are singing “Shake it Off” to each other as they dig out from underneath American-sponsored rubble over the weekend, but they didn’t find about it in advance from the pop songstress.
NANCY PELOSI’S HUSBAND: Although Defense Secretary Hegseth regularly texts Paul Pelosi a GIF of “It’s Hammer Time,” when he gets drunk, the former Fox news blatherer did not disclose any missile firing info to this elderly, injured Democrat.
AOC: The lefty Congressperson and former bartender was not informed of the Yemen attack via text thread, even though she is regularly included in texts from the White House instructing her to “wear something sexy,” and asking “When will we get that order of margaritas?”
CHUCK SCHUMER: Considered a useful tool by Republicans everywhere, the Senate Majority leader is nonetheless never included in frothy, fun texts about bombs flying and people getting blown up. He can’t resent that if he wants, but let’s face it—nobody right now gives a fuck about Chuck’s feelings.
AARON RODGERS: Weirdo professional quarterback is usually included on all of Tulsi Gabbard’s texts ever since they went on that ayahuasca retreat together and she said afterwards “He’s in my personal Hall of Fame, that’s for sure,” but was left out of the Houthi news. “it’s nothing against you,” Gabbard Snap-Chatted him afterwards. “I’ll make it up to you as soon as you get a new job.”
You get the picture—many Americans whose security status might be regarded as a tad shady, from Rachel Maddow to Jeff Bezos, from Chappel Roan to the entire cast of Saturday Night Live, were resolutely excluded from the group chat owing to the steely security-consciousness of the Trump White House. Even Joe Rogan didn’t get a chance to put it on his podcast.
And other magazines shouldn’t be resentful that the Atlantic had this massive scoop fall in their lap. “Next time, People for sure,” Hegseth promised.
Despite White House wrapping the nation’s war plans in a security bubble about as airtight as a dollar store sandwich bag, the White House has denied any incompetence and responded by calling the Atlantic “a failing rag of left-wing transgender porn,” and Goldberg himself as a “Democratic radical communist schoolyard fentanyl dealer-pedophile who probably puts ketchup on hot dogs.” In spite of these entertaining libels, there is zero doubt that the security breach occurred.
It is our job here, though, to look at the bright side, and to help MAGA whenever we can, so here’s list of people who were NOT included on the group chat. It is offered to the White House here for free, in case the Administration cannot think of any more transparent lies or feebler justifications for their stomach-boggling incompetence on their own.
TAYLOR SWIFT: No doubt the Houthi’s are singing “Shake it Off” to each other as they dig out from underneath American-sponsored rubble over the weekend, but they didn’t find about it in advance from the pop songstress.
NANCY PELOSI’S HUSBAND: Although Defense Secretary Hegseth regularly texts Paul Pelosi a GIF of “It’s Hammer Time,” when he gets drunk, the former Fox news blatherer did not disclose any missile firing info to this elderly, injured Democrat.
AOC: The lefty Congressperson and former bartender was not informed of the Yemen attack via text thread, even though she is regularly included in texts from the White House instructing her to “wear something sexy,” and asking “When will we get that order of margaritas?”
CHUCK SCHUMER: Considered a useful tool by Republicans everywhere, the Senate Majority leader is nonetheless never included in frothy, fun texts about bombs flying and people getting blown up. He can’t resent that if he wants, but let’s face it—nobody right now gives a fuck about Chuck’s feelings.
AARON RODGERS: Weirdo professional quarterback is usually included on all of Tulsi Gabbard’s texts ever since they went on that ayahuasca retreat together and she said afterwards “He’s in my personal Hall of Fame, that’s for sure,” but was left out of the Houthi news. “it’s nothing against you,” Gabbard Snap-Chatted him afterwards. “I’ll make it up to you as soon as you get a new job.”
You get the picture—many Americans whose security status might be regarded as a tad shady, from Rachel Maddow to Jeff Bezos, from Chappel Roan to the entire cast of Saturday Night Live, were resolutely excluded from the group chat owing to the steely security-consciousness of the Trump White House. Even Joe Rogan didn’t get a chance to put it on his podcast.
And other magazines shouldn’t be resentful that the Atlantic had this massive scoop fall in their lap. “Next time, People for sure,” Hegseth promised.
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