Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

The latest Rapture scare is well behind us now (It was supposed to be September 25th) but the possibility of the Rapture occurring and being left behind as a non-Rapturee is apparently causing trauma issues for young fundamentalists.
 
From CNN: Thirteen-year-old April Ajoy had a sense something wasn’t right. It was quiet in her Dallas house. Too quiet. Her brothers were gone. Her parents were gone. On her parents’ bed, a pile of her mother’s clothes signaled something terrifying.
Ajoy’s mind began churning, trying to remember, trying to make plans. When was the last time she had sinned? Should she refuse the mark of the beast? At least, she thought, if she was put to the guillotine during the time of tribulation, it would be a quick death.
 
You can see that making your young, probably innocent daughter, terrified of being guillotined is probably not a best parenting practice. But the Rapture can happen at any time, and almost any sin can disqualify a young girl from being sucked up into Heaven by the Roomba of God’s love. What offenses against the Lord were racing through April’s mind as she struggled with the possibility that everyone she knew, except herself, had been popped off the surface of the earth like they were blessed kernels of Orville Redenbacher’s? Had that momentary burst of lust she felt when her phone accidentally exposed her to the latest Korean boy-band video disqualified her from eternal life? Or was it that tiny twinge of affection she felt for Snitty Hanson, the cutest boy in her Zoom Communion class?
 
April thought she had begged for God’s forgiveness abjectly enough for both these offenses, but to her horror, her bleak solitude said otherwise. Little did she know that her mother had merely gone to a fellow Christian wife’s house for a chaste afternoon of wearing modest clothing and baking pies, and her father was raising a barn and thinking about eating pie afterwards, and her brothers had not left the house at all, but had instead found private corners in which to masturbate, which young Evangelical men have to do even more stealthily than regular young guys.
 
Imagine her relief when she spotted her brother returning the box of Kleenex to its usual spot in the bathroom. Still, she could not be entirely sure that the Rapture had not happened until her dad came home, smelling of sawdust and her mother returned, reeking of pie, and also yelling at her for not doing the pile of laundry she had left on the bed.
 
I want to tell April that I know someone who felt a similar pain. It was the love of my life, who once came upon an empty chair with an empty pair of my shorts on it, and thought briefly I might have been blown aloft into the company of angels. You can read about her reaction here.
 
Her disappointment was far less than April’s, though, because she’s Jewish and immune from the Rapture. There was no pressure on her to regret her sins, because no matter how few they might be, Jesus is not beaming her up into bliss. She was a little upset when I returned and told her that. When God is sucking up the saved souls of Earth like they were a Big Gulp, even when He comes to the end of His list, and His divine straw is making that slurping sound on the bottom of the cup, no Jews are going to be included.
 
Hey, I don’t make the rules.
 
But before she texted me, asking where the hell I was, she did wonder if I had made coffee before God had whacked me into eternity with the pickleball racket of His love, and saw that I had.
 
And she saw that it was good.

A phone in a secret room at the Kremlin rings at midnight. VLADIMIR PUTIN answers)

PUTIN: Hallo?

DONALD TRUMP: Vlad, old buddy, it's the Donald. How's your genius invasion of Ukraine going?

PUTIN: At least as well as your trying to avoid getting speared by Merrick Garland is, Donald. But maybe we can help each other.

TRUMP: I was hoping you would say that, Vlad. I've got lots of Top Secret stuff at fire sale prices right now. I've got lawyer bills to pay.

PUTIN: Ordinarily, I would be enthusiastic. But right now I'm spending all my money on Iranian drones. Just until we can get our powerful Russian drones working with the microchips we pried out of toaster ovens, naturally. Also, we have a little manpower shortage over here. ​I know I said I would give you many rubles for the nude pictures of the French President oil-wrestling with Greta Thunberg when she was eleven, but right now I could use some trigger-happy Proud Boys. Got any?

TRUMP: Love to help you, Vlad, but the PB's are keeping on the down-low until the January 6th trials blow over. How about a list of all US spies in Russia?

PUTIN: Anybody I thought was a spy, I sent to Ukraine. Zelensky dropped missiles on them all. Spying problem way down. I can offer Russian citizenship to the Oath Keepers. They can bring their own guns. As a matter of fact, they get double-secret-enhanced-super-citizenship if they bring their own guns.

TRUMP: How about the inside info on Brazil's nuclear defense posture?

PUTIN: Brazil is low on my attack list right now, Donald. How about you have one of your famous packed rallies in Irkutsk in a couple weeks. No-cost airplane tickets  to Russia provided--incoming flights are kind of empty for the next few months. Afterwards, free van transportation to all attendees to their new positions on the front lines in Izyum! 

TRUMP: A direct feed from our spy satellites?

PUTIN: Nyet. Can you persuade Q-Anon that Hillary Clinton is running sex slaves out of a basement in Kyiv? Where they go one, they go all, so they might as well go to Ukraine is what I think.

TRUMP: We're not getting anywhere here, Vlad. But I still wish you well. Don't end up in front of a firing squad. 

PUTIN: You too, old pal. I'm the last person in the world who wants to see you broke and in prison.

(The phone call ends)

TRUMP: Prick!

​PUTIN: ублюдок овец! (Sheep-fucker!)

In his typically unwavering approach to racial controversy, Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has announced a ban on teaching the history of black mermaids in Texas schools. At a press conference, a spokesperson for the Guv said, “The history of mermaids in Texas will be taught free of racial biases. Little white Texas mermaids will not be made to feel guilty about something they had nothing to do with, since all black Texas mermaids have been free since 1863. There is no separate, ‘woke’ story of black mermaids that will be forced on our schoolchildren.”
 
Why is it necessary to teach the history of mermaids of any race at all, since it is nowadays thought that historical mermaid sightings were the hallucinations of sailors drunk on rum and dying of scurvy and personal horniness?
 
“The Governor is aware that the anti-family media, particularly Disney, is pushing the idea of black mermaids along with the rest of their PC agenda, on small children. People who go to the beach in Galveston or Corpus Christi just want to relax in the sand and wash down Walmart-size bags of Fritos with a case of Lone Star. They don’t need their kids to go bugging them to find a black mermaid.”
 
Or a white mermaid?
 
“That’s innocent family fun. The important thing is, white people today are not responsible for any injustices inflicted in the past on black mermaids.”
 
Never heard of any, honestly, unless you count black Ariel to be the first black mermaid to ever land a job. So, long history of unemployment for black mermaids?
 
“NO! And as proof, for just a twenty-five-dollar campaign contribution to the Governor, you can get this t-shirt. (Holds up a t-shirt that reads “All Imaginery Lives Matter”)
 
“Imaginary” is misspelled.
 
“The people who are lining up to buy this shirt aren’t going to notice that.”
 
Why is Abbott even bothering with this?
 
“He’s pissed that the Governor of Florida is getting all that great ink for taking our illegal aliens out of here and dumping them in Martha’s Vineyard. We were planning to ship those Venezuelans to La Jolla. At first, Abbott was going to send the Texas National Guard to Venezuela to grab some Venezuelans direct from the source--there's a nearly unlimited supply of Venezuelans in Venezuela, you know--and force them on a plane to the Catskills, but for legal reasons he decided to go after black mermaids instead.”
 
What about Mexican mermaids?
 
“Bite your tongue!”

​In an abrupt tit-for-tat, in response to Florida governor Ron DeSantis sending two planes full of what the Guv called “illegal immigrants,” to the resort town of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts responded by sending an equal number of Martha’s Vineyard residents to Orlando, Florida.
 
Local authorities proclaimed themselves overwhelmed. “We can’t accommodate all these people in knit hats wandering around demanding ‘fresh lobstah’ and ‘clam chowdah,’ said one spokesperson, who insisted on anonymity. “I mean, we have eleven Denny’s in Orlando alone. If you want sit-down dining, go into one and crack a menu. And don't be asking where you can buy a scarf for 'when it gets cool at night.' Ask when. And the answer is, December."
 
Another local complained that he was constantly being asked by people wearing Red Sox jerseys to ‘bring my cah up.’ “Haven’t they heard of Uber?” he said testily. “Another couple asked me if I knew any good Greek tutors for their boy, because they didn’t want him falling behind before he got back to St. Episcopal’s Prep School.” He shook his head wearily. “I mean, we got a couple bilingual guys working as Mickey Mouses at the World, to make the Cuban kids happy. We got Hercules too, but all he ever does is curse about how hot wearing all those foam-padded muscles is in the summertime. And he don’t curse in Greek.
 
“Send ‘em back where they came from is my solution.  I hope DeSantis gets right on that.”

Used to be (and I’m saying this in my best, creaky old guy voice) that the Republican Party got along fine just being regular Republicans. By that, I mean they got plenty of votes and won their share of elections by standing up for Republican principles. Principles like hating Obamacare, dishing out the bare minimum of Social Security to keep old people alive, squawking about how raising taxes on the wealthy would ruin the economy because then they couldn’t afford to pay poor schlubs to mow their lawns and polish their silverware, and spending the equivalent of a car payment every month for insulin.
 
And the deficit, the deficit, the deficit. Fixing it was the Benghazi of economic principles, endlessly talked if never actually addressed. Republicans always talked about eliminating it, but when they actually had a chance to, they expanded it like it was the roof of a Russian ammunition dump.
 
People noticed this, but it mostly never kept them from voting Republican. The American people are a thick-headed sort, but now it seems to have dawned on them that, now that everybody has at least one relative on Obamacare and a couple on Social Security, and that billionaires are flying themselves into space on the money they save on not paying taxes, that there are flaws in old school Republicanism.
 
Plus, a pandemic’s worth of sitting inside and eating chips has greatly increased our nation’s need for cheap insulin.
 
So, the Republicans now have a new rallying cry—INFLATION! They’re hoping that if you elect them to cure inflation, you won’t notice that they will do absolutely nothing about it, just stick it on the wall next to the Benghazi/Obamacare/deficit stuff and take credit for it if it solves itself.
 
Might not work for the GOP this time, though. They have inadvertently shot themselves right in their elephant feet by appointing enough religious zealots to the Supreme Court to throw abortion rights to the wind, which started blowing back right in their faces immediately. They are discovering that lifelong Republicans PawPaw and MawMaw, despite attending the Church of the Ever-Flowing Waters of Jesus’s Love, where the preacher thunders against abortion every week, are not so keen about having abortion criminalized. Especially since they were forced to adopt their granddaughter because their daughter is in jail for selling fentanyl, and they found their adoptee’s panties on the roof of their doghouse one morning last week.
 
And she listens to nothing but rap music.

The Republicans need to scour for votes, and the conspiracy community is looking for political leaders. Chemtrailers want to clean out the skies, flat-earthers are looking for validation, election-deniers want to overturn every election they lose and Q-Anon just discovered the Queen was dead. Elizabeth Two was always on the top of their list as a leader of the global child-abuse conspiracy.
 
Of course, many Q-sters believe the Queen has been dead for years, replaced by a clever holograph, although why the cabal would have her officially dead just now instead of replacing her batteries and letting her go on forever is not explained.
 
Q-Anon also claims that the Queen was Queen of the Lizard People as well as of England. The Lizard People are our reptilian overlords, controlling us from a parallel universe through their agents, Bill Gates, George Soros, Hillary Clinton and Harambe, the dead gorilla.
 
None of this makes any sense, but that doesn’t stop Republicans from screeching for Q-Anon votes. Without them, they could lose. Republicanism, historically, has never had to really make sense.
 
Ask Herschel Walker.

Most of us who have achieved a certain age have an ex, or several, or a dozen or more in our lives, although if you have a dozen, you probably ARE the ex. The lucky among us have exes that move far away and stay there. I am blessed to have one of those. She choses to live on another continent. I encourage that.

But now, all of the US has an ex. I speak of the Former Caucasian-in-Chief, natch, and he combines all the bad qualities that an ex can exhibit, the worst being that he refuses to go away. He is the loser ex constantly trying to convince you that you made a mistake by rejecting him. In fact, he refuses to believe that you really did get divorced.

He bad-mouths his replacement constantly. Sure, you're not always happy with him either, but you think back on the days of constant Tweets and turmoil, and you realize you made the right choice. You were sick of a guy that constantly has to put others down. The lying had to go, too.

He won't give back your things. This is all too common in legal separations. It is not your fault you had to serve him to get what legally belonged to you returned. His howling about the sheriff "breaking in" to his house to take your possessions out of his nasty clutches can be ignored without a cloud on your conscience.

He is constantly begging for money. Not from you, but from your friends and relatives that think you ought to give him another chance. He shows up at all their barbecues and reunions, howling about how unfair you were to him and asking for handouts so you can get your divorce "reversed." Some of them are stupid enough to believe that's possible. There's a cold chill between you and people you used to get along with on account of this. The ex notices, and accuses you of dividing your own family.

He has a whole new bunch of friends. His only standard for making them is that they need to, first and foremost, hate you. If they threaten you, he just laughs it off and proclaims it is all your fault for the way you treated him.

But, most of all, he's just there. If the White House had a detached garage with a mother-in-law apartment on the second floor, he'd be living there, where you (and the rest of us) couldn't avoid looking at the parade of prostitutes (like Lindsey Graham) he summons to his door every weekend and listening to him play the same shitty Kid Rock and Ted Nugent albums over and over.

Yep, Trump is America's Ex. Let's keep it that way.

​The eminent conspiracy theorist and part-time Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene was recently observed bemoaning the plight of white guys, saying that they were attracted to porn, video games and living in their female relative’s basements because of the “persecution of white men,” and the “anti-white agenda.”
 
In other words, if not for anti-Caucasian prejudice, white men would give up spanking it over Pornhub and save all their love juices for Marjorie Taylor Greene.
 
NO! Did that slip out? I’m sure she didn’t mean that, exactly, but it is tough to discern what she did mean. What about all the non-white men lying in their grandma’s basement in a pool of sweat, exhausted from slapping the bishop and playing Minecraft? What is their motivation for living sad, useless lives, shaming themselves continuously while listening to Mawmaw bang around on her walker on the floor above?
 
Possibly it is because MTG believes no more can be expected of them, because they are not white. I would say this is the most obvious answer, certainly in the case of black and Asian men, because they are on the face of it, not white. They are doing what she expects of them, but if not for the anti-white agenda, white guys wouldn’t be emulating them. They would be going to church, hanging out at bars where they throw axes instead of darts, sitting in hunting blinds, and doing other white-manly stuff.
 
Or being imprisoned in the DC jail for trashing the Capitol on January 6th? MGT has a lot of sympathy for the conditions these white guys are being held in, even though the food was just as lousy, the shivs were just as sharp, and the rats were just as big when there were only black guys in the DC jail. If the Congresswoman cared about the state of the jail then, she kept it on the down-low.
 
Also, there is the matter of who the Congresswoman regards as white. While Jews, Arabs, Iranians, other miscellaneous Middle Eastern types, Indians and Pakistanis are all considered Caucasian, it is doubtful MTG considers them white. So, no shame can be attached to those guys if they while away their time squirting their mustard over Stormy Daniel’s greatest hits. A lot of them seem to became doctors anyway. Greene does not offer an explanation for this.
 
Can Democrats, in fact, be white guys? Could it be that being “woke” and going to college sucks all the Caucasianality out of a male? This is a topic for the Congresswoman to explore next time she wedges herself onto a podcast.

So, what makes a guy white? Let’s narrow the field. Is it having a piss-poor education at some Jesus school? Is it sneering at the so-called “experts” that, in fact, built the world you slither through on your wife’s two jobs and you tying flies and selling them at the swap meet? Is it bullying the clerk at the 7-11 because of his accent? Is it whining because all the good electrical engineering jobs go to people who can actually electrically engineer? Is it buying your girlfriend a Confederate flag thong?
 
Everybody does hate those guys.
 
Goddammit, she’s right.

It’s only been about 18 hours since the Justice Department let it slip that the Former Caucasian-in-Chief was keeping nuclear secrets in a spare room with his pool noodles. It’s been several days though, since word broke, from the lips of America’s Ex himself, that a search warrant was served on the overpriced Shithole-by-the-Sea, Mar a Lago, by the FBI.
 
When that was sprung on the unsuspecting public last Tuesday, Republicans and Trumpeteers were all over it, from the highest ranking to the lowest liars on that side. Wannabee Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy, advised The Attorney General to “clear his calendar and preserve all his documents,” indicating that the House would fricassee him down to his gray-haired testicles once the Republicans took charge of it. “Don’t be flushing nothin’ down them Main Justice toilets,” he might as well have added.
 
Since the scandal went nuclear, Kevin’s been notably quiet.
 
Some Republicans argued that Trump wasn’t guilty because he can “declassify things with his mind,” ignoring the fact that the Mango Man can’t even spell things with his mind. Also, the fact that Biden, by this argument, can reclassify things with his mind, and probably did so while playing Frisbee with his dog on the beach in Rehoboth.
 
Since it came out that one of the things Trump might have had boxed next to his pool skimmer was the location of all of China’s hypersonic cruise missiles, we haven’t heard much from the mind declassifers.
 
Many people, and I mean people ranging from Fox frothers like Jesse Waters to Senator Rand “Won’t You be My Neighbor?” Paul, are questioning whether the FBI “planted” evidence underneath Trump’s badminton net.
 
Since it came out that the evidence is so classified it probably won’t ever be read in court, those pieholes have been clamped shut.
 
Trump himself has implied all of the above, which is that the evidence he already declassified with his mind was accidentally shipped there by the White House movers, and also planted by the FBI in a raid which was illegal because he’s an Ex, which makes him entitled to keep a list of all the Russian bunkers we plan to nuke out first when WW III starts next to his cabana boy's cabana. He’s also accused Obama of taking thirty million pages (or pounds, I forget which) of classified documents out of the White House when he left it, and HER EMAILS!
 
But, so far, he’s the only one defending himself. But have faith. Somebody will jump in on his side soon, with something other than a whiny couldn’t they have just asked him nicely, maybe during a friendly game of Marco Polo, for America’s Top Secrets back?
 
My money is on Marjorie Taylor Green, mostly recently spotted selling DEFUND THE FBI baseball caps on Facebook. She’s the one who will say that Trump was masterminding a plan to expose international child molesters by tempting them to his golf course with a promise of classified info, because the only thing that child molesters want more than molesting children is to possess, and possibly sexually abuse, incredibly hush-hush intelligence reports. George Soros, Jews and Democrats were all going to fall into Trump’s cunning trap.
 
Just give her and her kind the rest of the weekend to figure it out. As far as Trump starting to act cunning, though, my guess is it’s going to take longer than that.

Somehow, clicking idly along the Net the other day, I ran across a Fox editorial by David Marcus. I don’t know who David Marcus is, but I suspect he’s one of those people who look at all-white fundamentalist churches praying in unison against Democrats, critical race theory and Mexicans, and feels the power of their righteousness so deeply he almost pees himself.
 
Ol’ Dave had some arresting things to say, after averring that we were on the brink of a religious revival comparable to the Great Awakening, which no one beside him and Neil Gorsuch believes. “Never underestimate God,” he advises us, followed by, “God will start to operated more openly.”
 
All spoken as if he had a direct line of communication with the Almighty. I don’t know about him, but I do have a direct line of communication with the Deity. We Skype sometimes. He used to appear to me in person, but now I, at least, prefer Skype. By tilting the computer at the right angle, I can avoid Him seeing all the mess and empty beer cans in the background. I realize that He can see anything He wants—I’m just thinking He doesn’t need to see that.
 
So, I messaged Him, and about a half-hour later He got back to me. I ran Dave’s ideas by Him and He snorted. “Sure, you ought not to underestimate Me. I’m All-Powerful. But what people don't understand is that All-Powerful doesn’t mean the same thing as really interested. So, he’s kind of right, but it sounds like he expects me to care. I have had enough expectations foisted on me by donut-gobbling Baptists that I’m rock-bottom bored with them. And boredom goes a long way when you’re an Eternal Being.
 
“As far as starting to operate more openly, that’s a hard pass. Shady as fuck is the way I roll. And it’s all your fault. Not you personally—nobody cares what you say. Nobody cares what you pray, either, and nobody means Me, so if you start wafting some piteous yowlings aloft like some so many of your friends do, just because I take your calls, I’m changing my username, kapisch?”
 
Got it.
 
“No, it’s you guys in general. For every guy who’s praying for Me to cure them of cancer, there’s another praying to collect his life insurance money. For every quarterback praying for a touchdown, there’s a defensive back imploring me for an interception. For every war, there’s a bishop with a long dress and a funny hat on each side praying to Me to slaughter their enemies. For every plane crash—well, scratch that one. Nobody prays for planes to crash…well, the terrorists do sometimes…you see why the whole ‘operate more openly,’ thing sticks in My craw?
 
I’m starting to. What about this article, which says the opposite-- young people are rejecting church?

"That is My deal. That's why it's My Will that most of them have to work retail during the day and drive Uber at night just to survive. Keeps them out of the congregations. 
 
“But, for the most part, I’m continuing to stay on the down low. Every once in a while, I let a high school basketball team sink one at the buzzer. Or I grant some Buddhist Asian immigrant his wish to win the lottery, just so all the white people who lose can complain about real Americans never winning it. Or I let Rush Limbaugh die of cancer. No prayer really involved in that one. I just enjoyed it.
 
But what about Trump?
 
“WAS THAT A REQUEST?”
 
No. Sorry. Never mind.
 
“Better be Me-damn certain it wasn’t.”

Alex Jones has been known as an abominable piece of prevaricating offal for twenty years now. Currently, he’s being asked to cough up a considerable chunk of change to the parents of people whose kids he claimed weren’t really dead after a school shooting in Connecticut. After it turned out those kids were actually dead after all,  Jones said, “Whoopsie! My bad.”
 
This may be the worst thing Jones has ever done, but he’s done plenty of things that were close. Like Trump, he’s killed many a person who took his advice not to get the Covid vaccine. He’s anti-Semitic, ant-Muslim, anti-gay and anti-women. I probably missed a couple of things there, but, basically, unless you’re like him, a chonk white guy who makes his living selling dietary supplements, you’re on his shit list.
 
But before he took the stand in Texas, which was just about as smart as going canoeing in Kentucky, Jones was way behind Trump. Jones was in favor of kids in cages. Trump actually put kids in cages. Jones wanted to kiss dictator hiney. Trump smooched pale fascist butt all over the world. Jones financed January 6th, but Trump incited it. The list goes on.
 
So, distant second for Worse Person in the USA? Not anymore. The fact that his lawyer “accidentally” sent two years’ worth of Jones’ text messages to his opposite number in Jones’ civil trial, probably muttering, “This ought to once and for all fuck that fat bastard,” when he did it, may just have put Jones ahead of the Orange Weaseler.
 
They found all kinds of proof that Jones was a perjuring dumpster rat on his phone, natch, but they also found child porn on it. This is not to say that Trump has never enjoyed child porn, or even sex with actual children. No doubt he has. But the evidence is lacking, whereas Jones’ digital spank bank is now a matter of public record. Jones claims the porn was “embedded” on his phone by antifa, or opposition lawyers, or the parents of the murdered children at Sandy Hook, implying that the first thing anybody would do when their first-grader dies in a hail of bullets is bone up on their hacking skills.
 
But the thing that really might put Jones ahead as he and Trump gallop along in the final stretch of the Shameless Lowlife Derby, is the revelation that there are “intimate” messages between Jones and fellow professional unbalanced liar Roger Stone on the phone.
 
This is enough to make anybody grab the nearest bucket and start retching. Jones, who has a protruding belly comparable to any bare-chested oligarch's  who has been photographed wearing a Speedo in his yacht's jacuzzi full of high-priced prostitutes, is sexually attracted to Roger Stone, whose hobby is dressing like the Penguin? If you want to talk about a love that dare not speak its name, let alone be memorialized in hard-breathing text messages, this is Numero Uno, sport. This couple could spend a half-hour trying to find each other’s genitals and count it as foreplay.
 
No one has ever suggested that Trump is attracted to Stone, as nobody should be. Indeed, when informed of the text messages, Trump was said to have remarked, “I’d rather dig up Ivana and have sex with her.”
 
Good idea, ex-guy. That would for sure put you back in the game.