Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

​The State of Louisiana, apparently being too full of whiskey and gumbo to notice how poorly other states fared fucking with the First Amendment, has made it a law that all publicly-funded classrooms in the state have to post a copy of the Ten Commandments on their walls.
 
Jeff Landry, the Governor of the state, explained that the law was necessary because “Moses was the original lawgiver.”
 
This is not true, of course. The original lawgiver’s name is lost in prehistory, but you can bet he was a big guy with big muscles, big friends and a big stick. When he gave a law, your cave ass obeyed it.
 
But we’re not here to talk history. We’re here to talk competition, and the first competition is what’s going to go up on the wall next to the Ten when the suing gets done. You might think that Muslims and Jews will be happy with the Ten Commandments being required reading in Louisiana for tykes and teenagers alike, since Moses was a Jew and Islam happily stole his Commandments just like the Christians did, but anyone with even a modicum of acquaintance with religious history knows that Christians, Muslims and Jews being happy at the same time about the same thing has never, ever happened.
 
The Muslims are going to want the Five Pillars of Islam up there, too. Also, probably Sharia Law. Landry and most other Louisianans would rather shit out a live possum than see this happen, but they opened this can of crawdads.
 
The Jews, having had thousands of years longer than either Christians or Muslims to fine tune their Commandment game, actually have 613 Commandments. This is because Jews want their religion to be more miserable and demanding than any other, which, oddly enough, makes them happy with it. Going to take some fine print, though, to get 613 Commandments on a ten by fourteen piece of parchment, which is the minimum size the Louisiana Commandments can be, by law.
 
The Church of Satan is going to want in on this action, for sure. Oklahoma already found this out the hard way, and After-School Satan Clubs are a thing everywhere school districts have tried to institute after school Christianity. Satan has Eleven Rules of the Earth, according to this web site. Number 11 is, and I am not making this up, although someone obviously did, is When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
 
If we all become Satanists, the college football bowl season is going to get way more interesting.
 
Other, faiths, less numerous perhaps, but no less sincere, are going to want a piece of the Louisiana schoolroom wall pie. Dudeists will want, “This aggression will not stand, man,” on their poster, and due to its terse nature, they’ll get it in big print. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s Commandments are lightly worded as well, although there are a few, my favorite of which is "Thou shalt have no other Monsters before Me (Afterwards is OK; just use protection)."

Atheists are out of luck, as usual. You can't put "This is all bullshit" on a third grade classroom wall, so they'll have to settle for a blank piece of paper, I guess, or else a simple, declarative, "There is no God."

Hopefully, some cynical schoolchild will graffiti "There is no Santa Claus, either," on top of it.

It’s June, and that means that social media is filling up with memes that depict Satan as gay, or at least in rainbow colors. The Evil One is not amused. He popped up on my computer screen again.
 
“You know I hate Teams,” I told him.
 
“And you know we’re an all-Microsoft workplace now. Makes the afterlife a little more Hellish, and it will really motivate my imps to go to town on Bill Gates when he finally shows up here. I’m here to say that I DID NOT start Pride Month.
 
Never even dreamed you did.
 
“Well, plenty of people think so. Come on! What’s my motivation for that? It’s caused me no end of trouble.”
 
“How’s that?
 
“Well, you always hear the Other Guy bragging about how perfect He is, and I’m letting you know He can be perfectly sneaky. You should have heard Him chortling, “Ha, ha ha. Did you hear about Pride Month yet? It’s a thing now, and Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, so now they’re all yours. You’ll like it. Some of them are pretty funny.’ Then he shoved all the gay souls over to the Gates of Hell. My front porch.”
 
“Oh no, you don’t,” I said, but I was left with a bunch of lost gay souls, standing out front because I don’t do group passes. I had to ask for arbitration….”
 
Who does arbitration in the afterlife?
 
“Solomon, natch. He just split them, 50-50. He’s kind of a one-trick pony that way. I had to accept his decision.”
 
But why don’t you want gays in Hell?
 
“I don’t want anybody in Hell! It’s Hell trying to keep Hell hot enough now. You should see my gas bill. I see one more condemned soul, I’m going to scream! The Other Side feels the same way. ‘In My Father’s House, there are many mansions’ isn’t the current real estate situation there. First floor, one bedroom condo is all you get if you get past the Pearlies now, is what I hear, and you can park your chariot on the street."
 
But Jesus said that thing about mansions.
 
“Don’t bring that Guy’s name up around here. This is all His fault, for refusing to put the Second Coming on His calendar. He’s got a bucket of excuses, mostly about production values for the Apocalypse. ‘The sky full of thunderbolts didn’t crackle loud enough in rehearsal.’ ‘That’s not a blood moon, it’s more of an umber moon.’ “Can’t anyone count the heads on a dragon anymore? It supposed to be seven.’ Then He bolts off for another three-day weekend with his side chick, Joan of Arc.”
 
Wow, that’s some inside stuff. How do you know so much about what goes on in Heaven?
 
“I back-channel with the Holy Ghost. Dude is sick of being the low Divine Being on the totem pool, so He keeps me up to date.”
 
But you’re still locked in eternal conflict with the Almighty, right?  I mean, your whole business model is built on bad feelings.
 
“I guess. The whole Eden thing seems so long ago, although I still do turn into a snake once in a while, just so I can bite Rush Limbaugh on the ass. Neither He nor me brings up the Garden anymore. Now we mostly fight about who is going to have to take the latest batch of souls for all eternity. Got to go. I see a bunch of war criminals headed my way.”
 
And you’ve got to take them, right?
 
“Only if they’re not gay. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”