
Trump also claimed, John Belushi-like, to be on a "mission from God"--Another news item.
Midnight at Mar a Lago. Trump, blasted on ketamine, is composing an all-caps screed against all the pop performers who have ever criticized him, and, for good measure, French President Emmanuel Macron’s wife as well. He is stuck on how to spell “Bono” when Almighty God, riding a golden chariot, appears to him.
TRUMP: (startled) Jesus!
GOD: (sarcastically) Close. I am the One, the All-Powerful Creator of the Universe, and I came to tell you not to ever invoke My Name again.
TRUMP: How did you get past the Secret Service?
GOD: The All-Powerful thing went right over your head, huh? I’m not surprised—in fact I’m never surprised—I’m All-Knowing, too. I just stopped in to tell you to shut up about Me doing anything for you. And you’re not on a mission from Me when you try to make your voters pay three thousand bucks for an iPhone, like you claim you are. You know you have a deal with Satan. He just shot me a whiny email complaining about you. He particularly wants credit for for growing your ear back.
TRUMP: Hey, that guy’s just another contractor to me. And I have the BEST lawyers working on him. Alina Habba says as long as she gets to sue him in Jersey, I’ll NEVER have to deliver my soul to Satan.
GOD: You know Alina made a side deal with Satan just to get out of having sex with you? That included dropping the Jersey litigation.
TRUMP: SHE’S FIRED! Fortunately, I also have my personal US Attorney General! Pam Bondi. She’ll be prosecuting Satan the second he shows up for my soul. And, unlike most of the people she threatens to prosecute, she has WAY more EVIDENCE against Satan than she has against Liz Cheney, thanks to those ancient prophets on YOUR payroll. She’ll put his fallen angel ass in Alcatraz the minute it gets RE-OPENED!
GOD: Bondi cut a deal with My opponent as well. Here, let me send you the video the Evil One made and posted on Signal. I especially like the part where she begs, “Oh, Prince of Darkness! My stunted black soul is yours, provided you make certain that heaving pale mass of blubbery body parts never tries to climb on top of me again!”
TRUMP: Yeah, she tried to get out of it by telling me she had herpes.
GOD: And your answer—“That’s BEAUTIFUL, so do I” drove her into the arms of Satan.
TRUMP: Are you trying to make me feel guilty?
GOD: Me no! I’m not that anxious to test the All-Powerful thing. Bondi was going to Hell anyway. Just don’t mention Me anymore. I’m telling you, Satan is really growling. “After all I did for that mango-faced muttonchop. The Apprentice. Letting him pal around with my MVP, Putin. Getting Eric to quit bragging about how good he was at making stuff out of Legos. Giving Joe Biden dementia.” The Prince of Evil can’t wait to see you in the Pit of Everlasting Despair. “Hope he enjoys counting the blisters on his pecker as much as he likes adding up bitcoin.” That’s a quote. Let me forward that to you.
TRUMP: Hey, the whole thing was a handshake deal. You know, Jared once told me, in the Middle East, a handshake deal can be negated if you can cut off the other guy’s hand. I figure I’ll get Pete Hegseth to do it when he’s drunk. PROBLEM SOLVED!
GOD: Hegseth is actually going to quit drinking, repent of all his sins after he finishes screwing everybody at the Pentagon, and go to Heaven. Don’t blame Me. I don’t like it when scummy souls like Hegseth end up wallowing in My golden gutters for all eternity, either. You’ll never hear Me claim to be All-Forgiving, but that’s the framework My Boy set up. So don’t count on him winning a sword fight with Satan. You’re going to Hell.
TRUMP: You know, I’ve been criticized by a lot of people who later turned out to be my besties. I’m not going to call You SCUM, SLEAZEBAG, or LOW INTELLIGENCE, out of respect, even though I called lots of the people who work for me now stuff like that. Also, I REALLY love that golden chariot you showed up in. Can I get one? Got anything You want? One of these days, you’ll need a job, or a pardon, or an insider trading scoop. You’ll come around.
GOD: Jesus!
JESUS: What?
GOD: Never mind. Just get back to your Final Judgement project and try not to have any more cost overruns. You could have ended the world before this guy even showed up, if you’d stuck to your budget.
TRUMP: (confidently) Eventually, You’ll be on my side. You don’t believe me, ask Marco Rubio.