“Football will be easy to ruin,” Swift claims. “Wait until they see an attractive, leggy woman, who is me, jumping around excitedly at the Super Bowl. Football has never been associated with women with great bodies performing acrobatics and acting like they are excited, so when I do it, men will never want to watch the sport again. I’ve been told that on Twitter, so I have to believe it.
“Also, I’m going to fuck my boyfriend, who is a football player, afterwards. Getting sex just because they are football players is something that would humiliate most men, so I expect the popularity of the sport to nosedive afterwards, when I reveal that I just have sex with my guy because he looks good in tight pants and smells like a community whirlpool bath after the game.
“Destroying democracy will take more than a day, maybe, but I plan to give it a massive shove towards the precipice in Vegas by endorsing all the Democrats in front of my legion of fans and urging them to vote this year. As I understand it, from watching Fox and Newsmax, democracy only continues in the USA if Republicans win elections. When the GOP emerges on top that is when the American way wins out, as envisioned by the Founding Fathers, those musket-waving dudes who made our nation. But it’s not democracy when Democrats get more votes than Republicans. It’s Communism, Marxism, or socialism. Us billionaires love all three. I learned that from my Jewish godfather, George Soros, so when I appear at the Supe, I’ll be shaking democracy off like an old boyfriend.
“What will replace football? Not my problem. Kids who want to play jai-alai or quoits instead, go right ahead. Maybe one of those games where the players cut off the heads of domestic animals and kick them around the pasture while wearing turbans, if we can get enough immigrants from those countries. What will replace democracy? Well, there will be a lot of football players out of work, so I think the Kansas City Chiefs should rule the nation, with Andy Reid being the First Coach of the USA. Hey, he’s got the moustache for it. Anyone not wearing a bright red ‘We’re Number One’ foam finger will be deported.”