To which we San Diegans say “Hell, yeah.” Not that we call ourselves a homocracy, for that slur was just coined by Jackson a few days ago, but we know the value of our gay citizens. They were the gentrification pioneers in this town, buying up all the shabby little bungalows east of the ocean built for returning WWII vets who were dead solid certain that they hadn’t saved democracy just to return to the snows of Nebraska, and turning them into luxe one-bedroom apartments with no parking that cost as much as screwing Stormy Daniels three or four times. What once were endless blocks of old guys wearing wife-beaters and chewing tobacco while washing their Chevys or Fords on the weekends are now pricey square mile after pricey square mile glittering with hipsters, Priuses and craft breweries.
And we know we have our gay buds to thank for that. When the entire nation becomes a homocracy, every state in it will experience an upgrade in property values and general tastefulness. In its own way, of course—citizens in Arkansas will still be allowed to keep up to eleven dogs under their porches, only instead of hound dogs, they will need to be Bijon-Frisees. Men in West Virginia will still be permitted to wear shorts—just not jean shorts cut off so high you can see the pockets dangling out against their pale hairy legs.
Men in all states will be required to have had a recent pedicure before they are allowed to wear flip-flops.
American exceptionalism will be preserved, but instead of America the Beautiful we will become America the Fabulous, meticulously clean, sharp and well-decorated from sea to shining sea.
Lesbians, solid members of the civic order that they are, will continue to make great aircraft mechanics and porn.
We’ll all live happily ever after, except for some gay Republicans. “Gay Republicans?” I hear you saying. “Isn’t that like being Rabbis for ISIS?”
No, there are gay Republicans, and some of them are uncomfortable with Buttigieg. Guy Benson, who is a gay conservative commentator, said he couldn’t vote Buttigieg because of his “abortion fanaticism.” Yep, this is a guy who firmly believes that the government should stay out of his bedroom, but also thinks it ought to regulate what a woman is allowed to do with her own body.
Of course, Benson is never going to be troubled by an unwanted pregnancy. He may be gay, but he is also a true Republican, holding close to the GOP’s unofficial motto:
“If it's not my problem, it’s not a problem.”