A senior spokesman for the National Health Institute dismissed this speculation out of hand. “Americans are way too portly and aged to fight a meaningful Civil War,” was his analysis.
“During the original Civil War, the population was way younger and skinnier. Most people made their living through manual labor and, while they had some bad health habits back then, like chewing tobacco, drinking whiskey by the jug and eating deep-fried muskrat, overall, they stayed in better shape than modern Americans, before they succumbed to some disease which can be cured in one visit to an Urgent Care nowadays.
“I cite the case of some Proud Boys back east, where they were drilling for the upcoming race war. They tried to put some snipers in the trees around a member’s farm. Out of the ten snipers, six couldn’t climb up in the trees, two fell out of the trees, and the other two climbed back down within an hour because they needed some snacks.
“If you’ve ever been to Gettysburg, you’re aware of the size of the battlefield there. Be honest--can you imagine trying to wheeze across it carrying a rifle and an ammo belt? Most Americans find it uncomfortable just riding around its hallowed grounds in an air-conditioned tour bus equipped with box lunches and a defibrillator.
“I mean, some modifications to current medical equipment could make limited skirmishing possible, I suppose. An all-terrain diabetes cart would help. MRE’s would have to include flavors like Loaded Nacho and Little Debbie, or morale would sag on both sides.
“Are we going to have an hour’s truce every day so everybody can smoke medical marijuana and watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy? That’s a problem Grant and Lee never had.
“Look, it’s not impossible for us to have some sort of armed conflict. Most Americans are still capable of sitting on their porch or stoop with a gun across their lap, and some still do, when they’re taking a break from calling each other libtards and Trumpkins on Facebook. I suppose if you had differing political views in a single neighborhood, gunfire could break out, but that’s really uncommon, and a Civil War where nobody’s leaving the house unless they’re driving for GrubHub just isn’t possible.
“So, relax. There’s not going to be violent civil unrest. No matter what our political opinions, conflict is unlikely to break out between you and me. Especially if you let me have some of those cheese fries.”