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Obama Regrets Enabling Arab Spring, Says "Never Again."

9/17/2012

An inside source at the White House says that President Obama, in light of the attack on the American embassy in Egypt and the consulate in Benghazi, regrets fomenting the entire Arab Spring.

"The President now realizes that allowing people to determine their own destinies is completely-wrong-headed. The next time a ruthless dictator is threatened by a popular uprising, the US will stand behind him one hundred percent."

I don’t see what the US could have done to stop the uprising in Egypt. The Egyptian Army allowed the whole thing to happen.

'The President now realizes that when the Egyptian Army refused to shoot their protesters, he should have sent the American Army in to shoot them instead. He apologizes to the former iron-fisted rulers of Tunisia, Yemen, Egypt and Libya, and vows nothing like that will happen again."

Apologize? To Qaddafi, especially? He's dead.

"And the President is really sorry about that. You just don't know what you've got 'till it's gone, I guess. Qaddifi was that kind of loose cannon, party-till-dawn international playboy terrorist that really added life to international relations. Those great robes, the zany troop of virgin Amazon bodyguards…the guy was just fun, fun, fun. And he could wear a pillbox hat like nobody since Jackie Kennedy."

I still don't see the point of apologizing to him.

"We don't either, frankly, but Barack is a compulsive apologizer, just like the Republicans say. He sneaks off to Andrews Air Force Base sometimes so he can write 'Sorry!' on the tips of those Hellfire missiles, right before he orders them fired at jihadists. Not that he's going to let up on al Qaeda. That's the whole point of this policy change. The President now realizes that any time people demand democracy, al Qaeda takes over."

So he's switching sides in Syria?

"Might be a little late for that, but future popular uprisings better beware the swift application of American force."

What if the Iranians revolted?

"Squash them like bugs. At least the Ayatollahs are predictable."

People are protesting by the thousands in Russia. What if that becomes full-blown civil unrest?

"We're not tipping our hand, but Pussy Riot better keep it quiet, if you know what I'm saying."

What if the North Koreans rose up against their Communist masters?

"Absolutely. We're not really worried about them, though…the North Korean people aren't that concerned about democracy. They're more worried about finding enough dirt to eat. But if push came to shove, we'd rather see rookie ruler Kim il Fat Kid in charge than al Qaeda."

There are violent protests going on in China right now, over some island or another…will Obama intervene?

"There? Doubtful. The Chinese are pretty reliable when it comes to shooting their own people."

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Death of Quaddafi, Liberation of Libya Another Obama Fiasco

10/21/2011

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Now that Obama's disastrous Libyan policies have ended with the death of international pariah Muhammar Quaddafi, the liberation of the country and the successful conclusion of the NATO mission without a single life lost by an American or allied serviceman, the field of candidates for the Republican nomination for President were quickly and rightly describing the result as an appalling failure on the part of the President. A sampling of quotes from these Republican leaders follows:

Michele Bachmann: "It had nothing to do with Obama. It had everything to do with the Libyan people's Constitutional Second Amendment right to bear arms and shoot dictators in drainage pipes. The Libyan people were merely exercising their God-given rights as Americans, or Africans, whichever they are."

Herman Cain: "What's going to happen as a result of the Obama Administration's mismanagement of the Libyan situation is now Libyans are going to want to immigrate here illegally, especially if they are relatives of Quaddafi. We need to build an electrified wall between us and Libya as soon as possible, with a sign on it saying "This Fence Will Kill You!" in English and in Libyanese."

Mitt Romney: "I would have engaged our allies at the earliest possible moments, arrived at a consensus with other world leaders, kept American involvement to aerial bombardment so as not to risk American lives and let the Libyan people overthrow Quaddafi by themselves, just like Obama did. Only I would claim it was completely different."

Rick Perry: "I don't know what I would have done different, except for sure I wouldn't have pardoned him. Or those guys what drug him around in that pickup truck. I wouldna pardoned them, either."

Jon Huntsman: "As you know, I was once Obama's Ambassador to China. If I had been his Ambassador to Libya, this never would have happened, because I would have stabbed Quaddafi in the back. Do you find that hard to believe? Don't."

Newt Gingrich: "Like Quaddafi, I too was once driven mad by power. I bought jewels for my mistresses and signed six-figure publishing contracts. I lorded it over a mighty nation and laid my enemies low. I only ruled for four years though, and that dude had forty-two as king of the hill. Nice run, bro."

Rick Santorum: "Many people aren't aware that abortion was illegal in Libya under Quaddafi. Despite all the torture, terrorism, pillaging and repression that Quaddafi seemed to enjoy, and which made him one of the most hated men on the planet, let's not forget he was pro-life, like me. Was it really Obama that did him in, or was it the abortion industry settling a score? You decide."

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