At first blush, the idea seemed impossible. The Republicans are the party that hates sex. From gay sex to group sex to transgender sex in gender-neutral high school bathrooms, the Republican party is against it. The only sex Republicans approve of is rape sex, and only that if pregnancy results and the rape victim is forced to bear the rapist’s child. That’s a good time, according to the GOP.
Republicans are usually against drugs, too, as a matter of policy, though in real life they’re just as happy to consume drugs as the average non-Republican American. The smell of weed permeated the Capitol riots on January 6th, and if you’re contemplating overdosing on fentanyl, wearing a MAGA hat gets you first in line for a shot of Narcan if you live in a place like West Virginia.
The other problem with Cawthorn’s tattling on his fellow Repubs is that, if you’re looking for pleasant company for bumping uglies and sniffing nose candy, why would you choose Republicans? Maybe Cawthorn would be a good pick because he’s a handsome young guy. And he’s in a wheelchair, too, which means you can do anything you want to him from the belly-button down, and he won’t even feel it. Plus, you can rest your coke mirror on his head. But the rest of them? Mitch McConnell? His wife made him sign a pre-nup that said, among other things, that she never had to look at him naked, unless he got her a Cabinet position.
Okay, so Mitch figured out how to worm around that one. He’s crafty, but not sexy. Everybody’s seen that picture of Ted Cruz fleeing to Cancun. When a guy looks that shitty in a tucked-in polo shirt, the chances of him looking better naked are as remote as the James Webb Space Telescope. Perennially chirpy Republican small-dicks like Josh Hawley and Rand Paul are nobody you want to have at your party when the lube starts getting passed around.
Marsha Blackburn is a tough old gal who could probably hold her own at an orgy until dawn’s early light. Marjorie Taylor Green is the kind of girl who would pull a train on a dare, and Lauren Boebert probably is only about 50% sure who the father of her children is, but the rest of the Republican girl field is small, because Republicans don’t elect too many women. It’s why they want Kirsten Sinema to switch parties. Not so they can control the Senate again—just so she can make Republican orgies less of a sausage-fest.
When Kevin McCarthy, who’s still on course to be the most comically afflicted Speaker of the House ever, called Cawthorn onto the carpet, the first-term prevaricator said that he might have been exaggerating the richness of his sex life, as 26-year-olds are prone to do, and the coke he saw being snorted might have been a Republican staffer putting his golf clubs in the trunk of his car, because it’s tough to tell the difference from a quarter-mile away.
McCarthy said after the meeting that Cawthorn would have to “earn his trust.”
In Republican-speak, that’s “lie more convincingly.”
Cawthorn immediately said “the left and the media,” not himself, were responsible for his far-ranging fantasies.
Boy’s a quick learner.