Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

Trump’s appeal to the American people holds steady at 40%, which infuriates many of the 55% of the public who think a fluffernutter made by a five-year-old would do at least as good of a job at being President.
 
A better way to look at this, though, is to realize that right now the American economy is running faster than a black guy about to be shot by the cops. The last time the economy was this booming, the President was Bill Clinton. His approval rate was above 70 percent, and people were giving him random blowjobs for his handling of it.
 
Here, we’re not saying Trump doesn’t get blowjobs, though probably not from Melania, who is busy watching CNN, possibly with a vibrator by her side. We’re saying that his popularity among his base doesn’t decrease no matter how high the flames are shooting out of the White House windows.
 
To explore this phenomenon. this column conducted an in-depth survey of Trump supporters, sometimes referred to as “deplorables,” “Trumpanzees,” or “goddam Fox-addled shit-for-brains yickadoos.” The results were astonishing.
 
92% did not find Trump’s attraction to his daughter Ivanka creepy, with 51% saying they were sexually attracted to their own children, with 24% adding that they had had or were having sex with their offspring currently. The remainder of the respondents were childless.
 
85% love Rudy Giuliani, with 82% agreeing with the statement “He’s one of the good Jews,” with 15% believing that there is no such thing as a good Jew and 3% apparently being aware that Giuliani is not Jewish.
 
If Trump were to defect to Russia after going there for another summit with Putin with the intent of spilling all the top-secret beans he knew, 70% would blame CNN, 14% would blame Michael Cohen and 8% would blame Omarosa Manigault. The remainder would think that it was a cover story for Trump being Raptured.
 
Nearly all respondents (97%) agreed with the statement “Active shooter drills add to the fun of childhood.”
 
Though only 41% said that Sarah Huckabee Sanders was "purty," 59% thought she was probably  "good in the bed." That number rose to 80% when the phrase  "of a pickup truck" was added to the question.
 
When asked which President should be taken off Mt. Rushmore so that Trump could be added, 2% said Washington, 3% said Jefferson, 5% said Teddy Roosevelt and 90% said Abraham Lincoln.
 
96% believed it was currently illegal to burn a Confederate flag.
 
Of the respondents who had daughters, 85% would let Donald Trump, Jr. have sex with them, “even if he was all sweaty from shooting a giraffe or something.”
 
75% believed that the “Made in China” tags on their MAGA hats were fake. 55% believed that they were sewn in there personally by Nancy Pelosi.
 
When asked if it would be constitutional for Trump to declare himself President for Life, only one respondent said “No!”
 
Apparently Mike Pence slipped into the survey.

The arrest of Maria Butina, spunky redheaded Russian spy, on charges of being exactly that, sheds a fascinating light on another example of a field where foreign immigrants are taking jobs away from native-born Americans, in her case, having sex with Republicans.
 
Fucking Republicans, like picking strawberries or avocadoes, is a thankless, dirty job, but Maria went hard at it, lying on her back and thinking of Father Russia as Republican after Republican plowed her fertile fields. Word has it she fondled more than guns at that NRA convention she attended, telling her partners breathlessly how amazing they were in bed, and also, would they like an extra 50 million for pro-Republican causes? She embraced one pale, spotted belly after another, all in the name of the GRU. By the sheer power of her vaginal tool, this ginger nympho may have swung the last election to the Republican side.
 
So what? I hear you saying. It’s not like Maria is the first real-life Octopussy. The books of spy lore are full of stories of lady operatives who took their enemies to bed in bugged rooms. The bigger problem here is that this undercover wench is pilfering jobs from American sex workers.
 
Traditionally, Republicans have been serviced by American call girls. Natural, US-born hookers have always flocked to Republican conventions like they were Super Bowls to service the needs of professional Republicans, no matter how perverted they might be. If a politician wanted to be spanked with a magazine with his picture on it, there was an American prostitute standing by to accommodate him. If that pol wanted to be spanked by that magazine while he was wearing her underwear and a naked Boy Scout was watching from his hotel room closet while humming "America the Beautiful," you could still find an American sex professional with a stomach strong enough to do that job. But it would cost.
 
But American professional vagina cannot compete with Russian coochie that promises to work tirelessly on your election AND your erection. “How would you like to get the best lay of your life and a half-million for your favorite Super PAC?” is what these spy tramps are whispering in willing Republican ears right now.
 
Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal and their like may well have banged their last Republican, as the GOP abandons their age-old tradition of trafficking in red, white and blue vagina in favor of imported poon. And who’s to stop it? Like migrants that swarm up from the southern border to pick our grapes and make our chicken nuggets, Russians will take over the sex industry, as there may well be no American girls left willing to do the job of faking orgasms for Republicans. At least not for a competitive price.
 
The answer, in the Trump trade war tradition, is probably a tariff on tushie. A big, stiff tariff, naturally.  Large enough to discourage hookers from messing with it, so truly enormous. But will the Republicans actually pass such a measure?
 
Marie and her comrades will see that they don’t.

Following his near-agreement with Russia to send Putin-hating critic Bill Browder back to the Kremlin for presumed torture and death, Trump is now pushing to send his personal nemesis, Senator John McCain, back to Vietnam for more of the same.
 
“The President likes people who weren’t captured,” explained an aide on condition of anonymity. “But if they’re going to get captured, he thinks they ought to stay captured, not be released as war heros, get elected to the Senate, run for President and take time out from probably fatal cancer to call President Trump Putin’s pimple-sucker.
 
“Putting McCain back in a monkey cage at the Hanoi Hilton would be exactly analogous to sending American citizens and former State Department employees back to Russia to be questioned, which, as the President said, was an incredible offer, because in return, Putin was going to allow Mueller to come to Moscow and question the hackers that absolutely had no effect on the 2016 election, and possibly keep him and Rod Rosenstein in the Gulag until 2020 as well.
 
“We who work at the White House are already working on the objections the snowflakes might have to our plan. We know Vietnam hasn’t been accused of interfering in our elections, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t been. For all we know, they’re involved in a conspiracy as deep and murky as a big bowl of pho noodles. Why doesn’t the Justice Department investigate them? By the way, did you know George Soros loves Vietnamese food? That’s all the evidence most of the base needs.
 
“Don’t think we’re going to have to start another war with Vietnam to get them to take back McCain. That’s off the table. Our armed forces are going to be too busy helping Putin shell hospitals in Syria. But we can bend the Vietnamese to our will. There’s trade. There’s tariffs. If they really get stubborn, we’re going to threaten to finally send Ted Nugent over there.”

"I think so many people have taken biblical scriptures out of context on this, to say stuff like, 'Well, Jesus was a refugee. And yes, he did live in Egypt for three and a half years. But it was not illegal. If he had broken the law, then he would have been sinful and he would not have been our Messiah."
 
The above words from Paula White, one of Trumps “spiritual advisors,” raises a multitude of questions, not the least of which is Why does Trump need a spiritual advisor? Because being a spiritual advisor to Trump is like being a dietician for a great white shark. As soon as there is blood in the water, your advice is going to be ignored, and there's always a chance you will get swallowed up whole.
 
Another question is How deranged do you have to be to think the legal status of Christ’s migration to Egypt, to escape being murdered by Herod, the ruler of Judea at the time and also, although this is not commonly known, the founder of MS-13, is in any way possibly relevant to current events?
 
Probably just Paula and this column are sufficiently unbalanced to think so. But let’s continue. Jesus was an infant at the time of his entry into Egypt, carried into a foreign land by Mary and Joseph, which a lot of bleeding heart liberals think is similar to the situation the refugees at our southern border find themselves in when they arrive clutching one of their non-English-speaking brats. Is ICE telling each and every one of them, “Hey, by bringing your baby into this country, do you know you are totally destroying your child’s chances of becoming the Messiah?” We hope they are.
 
Christ should have been separated from his parents, thrown into a cage, and eventually been adopted by a childless Egyptian couple and spent his life happily building pyramids and blowing off the whole Savior of the World business, right? And Mary and Joseph should have been prevented from crossing the Egyptian border and taking jobs away from the legitimate residents there, although if any of the locals were holding down jobs that Christ’s parents were qualified for, like being total wussbags or Mothers of God, is not known from the historical record.
 
This line of thinking is wrong, for several reasons.
 
First off, the border authorities in Egypt at the time (1 AD) were considerably underequipped compared to ICE. They didn’t have guns, two-way radios, infrared sensing gear or swell uniforms. They probably were just a couple of bored guys wearing dresses and carrying spears, ill-prepared to deal with the influx of refugees fleeing persecution by Herod (at last count, three).
 
Paula doesn’t explain why Jesus’s emigration was necessarily legal, so let this column pick up the slack. It’s pretty obvious that the Lord would have qualified for an EB-1 visa, the so called “Einstein,” “genius” or “extraordinary abilities” visa. He could walk on water. He could raise the dead. He could change water into wine. Melania Trump got one, and the only thing she’s able to change is her vagina into an ATM. He could multiply loaves and fishes, whereas Einstein could only multiply numbers.
 
But what about Mary and Joseph? They had no obvious talents, apart from Joseph being unbelievably gullible and Mary for knowing how to stick to a story. Why would they have been admitted to Egypt?
 
Because one thing you can say about the Egyptians—they might have known how to build mighty Sphinxes, write hieroglyphics and have queens alluring enough to have affairs with Roman emperors, but they didn’t know anything about the menace of chain migration.
 
Let’s learn from their mistake.

You're getting Monday's wisdom early, my peeps, because tomorrow I have to have minor surgery. Enjoy.

​Later today, the President of the United States will continue his huge touring clusterfuck in Europe by meeting with the man who swung the election in his favor, Russia’s Putin, in Helsinki, Finland.
 
Upon landing in that small northern nation, Trump was greeted by a mass of protesters similar to the crowds that protested him in England and Scotland. Trump was reportedly taken aback by the wall of hatred erected by the sullen Scandinavians.
 
“The President was indeed shocked by his reception in one of the many countries he couldn’t be bothered finding on a map,” an anonymous source confided. “After dissing the British Prime Minister and walking around the Queen like any sensible person who is trying to perambulate as slowly as a monarch who is pushing the century mark would, aggravating the British public into a monstrous rage, Trump felt he would receive a warmer welcome in this country. He eventually came to the conclusion that his lack of popularity here was because he had never built a golf course in Finland.”
 
That is quite an astonishing feat of reasoning.
 
“One of the amazing things about working with the President is witnessing daily his ability to think outside the box. The protesters in Finland were dismissed by him as irrelevant, because many of their signs were written in Finnish, a language he characterized as ‘having way too many little floating dots in it.”
 
But many of the signs were written in perfect English, because a lot of Finns speak English, because hardly anybody outside of Finland speaks Finnish, although most natives don’t think that’s because of the floating dot thing.
 
“People who write in perfect English are not recognized by the President, as they seldom form part of his base. The President prefers people who write with odd capitalizations, refuse to heed spell check, and mix up homonyms. Please check his Twitter feed for further elucidation.”
 
I’ll need another cup of covfefe before I do that. We’re surprised that Trump doesn’t blame Putin for the protests, as Russia is hated in Finland possibly even more than Trump, owing to the centuries of violent oppression the Finns endured under Russian rule.
 
“Oh, wow, is that a true thing? I could pass that along to the President, although chances are pretty slim he’ll use it to blame Putin for the demonstrators. The President doesn’t like blaming Putin for anything.”
 
So we’ve noticed.
 
“How did Obama get along with Finland? Did he launch any cruise missiles here, pass any Dream Acts, or tell the Finns they could keep their own doctors? Because then we could blame him. The President would be happy to do that.”

​After pardoning the Bundy boys for committing arson against Federal property and Joe Arpaio for disobeying a US court order, a spokesman for the Trump Administration admitted that the President was thinking about pardoning Vladimir Putin at their upcoming summit.
 
“It just makes sense,” the anonymous source told this reporter. “Putin’s had his issues with the international order, what with invading Georgia and the Ukraine, annexing Crimea, and sprinkling radioactive Splenda on his political enemies abroad, but the President recognizes that’s he’s basically a good guy. He’s strong on international borders, although he likes for them to change from time to time for entertainment purposes. Unlike our country, which is swarmed by so many brown people every day that we have to keep them caged, Russia only admits international real estate tycoons as immigrants. Russia is also not plagued by fake news, because they export all the fake news that they produce.
 
“Putin hates NATO nearly as much as the President. Trump just hates paying for it, but Putin hates it because we allowed so many ex-Soviet satellites to join it. These formerly slave nations gnaw on Russian pride like so many pubic lice infesting its boxer shorts, fecklessly giving the finger to their previous rulers because they’ve hooked up with Angela Merkel. Putin agrees with the President that hooking up with Merkel is nothing to be proud of.
 
“A pardon just makes sense. A slap on the back and a simple, “Cool beans, Vladimir,” would go a long way towards relieving international tensions. The United States could devote more of its military budget to building flashy, cool shit that looks good in military parades and Putin could go ahead and kill everyone in Syria. Which would go a long way towards solving Europe’s refugee problems. You’re welcome, Angela, you old foreign bag lady. And you too, Macron. Even though you were already married to an older woman, which our President finds nearly as incomprehensible as your language, and you weren’t even getting studly with Stormy Daniels on the side, the United States will stand with France. Maybe. We'll see.
 
“So, in strictest confidence, I’ll tell you it’s just about a done deal. President Trump will bestow a formal, free, past and future pardon to Putin for everything he’s done, including humping our legs on Facebook during our elections and putting Pussy Riot in prison. All Putin has to do is bring the pee tapes and swear that his briefcase contains every single copy.
 
“That’s the Art of the Deal, my friend. After Putin gets everything he wants, and we get his solemn assurance that he’s going to be bigly nice from now on, Americans will maybe finally realize that we’ve never had a President quite like Trump.”

Trump startled a group of White House insiders, including chief of staff John Kelly and Defense Secretary James Mattis by asking them if the Air Force could shoot down a gigantic cartoon balloon of him dressed as baby in a diaper and scheduled to fly over London when he visits that city, an anonymous source reported.
 
Both Kelly and Mattis strongly advised against attacking an unarmed caricature filled with helium flying over the capital of an allied nation, but Trump persisted in exploring ways to destroy the floating insult to his person. “If not the Air Force, the Navy. They got plenty of airplanes with missiles, right?”
 
Mattis and Kelly had to explain that none of the Navy’s carrier task forces were deployed near enough to the British Isles to take on the lighter-than-air observation on the President’s emotional maturity.
 
“The Marines, then,” Trump was said to have insisted. “They got helicopters. They give me rides on one all the time when it’s time for me to take a golf break. That helicopter can shoot bullets—the pilot keeps telling me it can, although when I ask him to shoot at something, he always says he’s out of bullets.”
 
Sensing the President’s anger rising, Kelly muttered a hesitant “maybe,” but Mattis pointed out that the nearest Marine helicopters were in Germany. At that point, Kelly said "Don’t we have a base in Suffolk?" whereupon Mattis kicked him viciously in the shin, raising a smallish bruise which observers said was the exact size of one of one of Kellyanne Conway's breasts.
 
At this point, Trump lost his temper and said “Fuck you guys, I’ll get the CIA to drone them. They always blew up anything Obama wanted ‘em to.”
 
Mattis quickly faked a call to the Director of the CIA, Gina Haspell, and pretended she told him they had spent all their drone money for the year on waterboards.
 
Exasperated, Trump said, “Fine—I’ll just have the Secret Service shoot it down with their handguns,” whereupon Kelly successfully distracted him by re-opening the possibility of invading Venezuela. Mollified by the prospect of war with a defenseless South American nation, Trump calmed down enough to go watch Fox, although when that channel showed an image of the buoyant British smear on the Presidential character, Trump was said to have yelled, “That’s why we need a Space Force!” at the television.

Following his tweet taking credit for peace with North Korea, Trump Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders read a prepared statement that said Trump deserves credit for peace with most countries the US is not currently at war in. She singled out Uruguay as an outstanding example of Trump’s peacemaking talents.
 
“Where was Obama during the whole Uruguay situation? Being weak,” she said as she answered her own question. “No one was paying attention to Uruguay during the Bush years either. The whole situation was allowed to fecklessly fester until President Trump broke through the barriers that threatened war with another tiny nation like North Korea.”
 
“How exactly did he do that?” a reporter from CNN shouted.
 
“Top secret negotiations, carried out under intense security, between the shrouded Uruguayan leadership and Secretary of State Pompeo, who was ably assisted by Roseanne Barr. Secretary Pompeo recognized the danger of letting Uruguay have nuclear weapons, and Roseanne needed the work.”
 
“We have never even invaded Uruguay. It’s too far away and too teeny. Relationships between the US and Uruguay have always been utterly peaceful. When did Uruguay decided it needed nuclear weapons?” a reporter from the New York Times demanded.
 
“That’s not the right question,” Huckabee replied. “The right question would be does Uruguay think it needs nuclear weapons now? The answer is no, thanks to President Trump. Uruguay has completed forsaken its nuclear program.”
 
“Uruguay has never spent a single peso on nukes,” a correspondent from the Washington Post noted.
 
“And it won’t have to now. But that’s not all. President Trump is considering taking credit for peace with all of Latin America, except maybe Venezuela, which is controlled by MS-13. We are also at peace with nations like Australia, Swaziland and Morocco, thanks to the strength demonstrated by the President.”
​
The CNN reporter seemed on the edge of tears. “But we have been at peace with all these nations since World War II, if not forever. How can Trump take credit for it?” he bawled.
 
“Because none of the previous Presidents did, silly. Just like none of the other Presidents jailed immigrant kids, then backed off and gave himself credit for solving the problem. Or the forthcoming trade war, which the President will eventually withdraw from and pat himself on the back for ending. He even plans to give himself credit for insuring that this month’s lunar eclipse will not be visible from the United States, because those Blood Moons agitate his evangelical base.”
 
“So if nobody else is willing to take credit for something, it is Trump’s plan to do so?” asked the New York Times reporter, who added, ‘It’s lucky the Secret Service doesn’t let me bring a small, sharp knife in here, because I would be seriously considering cutting myself.”
 
“And we wish you would,” said Sanders smoothly. “But, yeah. That’s the way we plan to roll. Peace with Paraguay is next.”

​This stunning theological advance was publicized on a web site owned by Russell Walker, a Republican candidate for a seat in the North Carolina Assembly.
 
Russ, known to his neighbors as Big Russ, or Big Dumb Russ, or Crazy Fucker Russ, has been disavowed by the local Republican Party honchos, people who think that keeping kids in cages and letting coal waste flow directly into streams are good ideas, because Russ’s concepts are a bridge too far even for them.
 
Nonetheless, he can’t be removed from the ballot, and so the people in North Carolina’s 48th district will have an opportunity to be represented by the man who wrote this:

​Walker does not offer a theory as to when God decided to be a white supremacist. It must have been fairly recently, because our Caucasian ancestors were still camping in the bogs of Europe while civilization flourished in places like China, Egypt, the Middle East and Nigeria. God was apparently happy with the efforts of non-whites until a few hundred years ago, when he was letting Muslims conquer much of the world while we were just getting a dose of Black Death. What caused Him to change his mind? This is only speculation, but maybe He, in His infinite wisdom, foresaw that if he didn’t give our soot-stained ancestors a boost, we would never get around to producing Kate Upton.
 
So, God’s been on our side for a few centuries, but you know whose side he isn’t on? Jews.  Walker has some salty opinions on Jews, this being one of them: “The Jews are not Semitic they are Satanic as they all descend from Satan.”
 
This is the Walker revelation that is the most intriguing, because in the Bible verse above, God is supposed to be addressing the Jews. During the period when it was being scribbled down as His Word, the forebears of the Caucasians were too busy beating each other with sticks in the forests of Bavaria to receive any revelations. In the whole history of the Bible being interpreted to buttress one’s own crackpot opinions, and it is a long and epic one, Walker may have reached the apex.
 
Obviously, this presents some problems for more conventional theologians. How Satan managed to father the Jews is the least troubling of them. Mary, the Mother of God, was unquestionably Jewish, and therefore of Satanic blood, which means Jesus was half-Satanic himself. And all Jewish, because that’s the way Jews roll as far as who’s in the tribe and who’s not.
 
That Christ was directly descended from Satan is a theory that most religious people wouldn’t entertain, but Walker does. In truth, there are not that many legendary beings whose existence is purely speculative out there. A little incest is probably inevitable. After all, who was God supposed to fulfill his dreams of having a Son with? Mrs. Santa Claus?
 
This line of reasoning may well lead to a Grand Unified Theory of theology, where God and Satan are merely frenemies, and we humans can do whatever we want and we’re still cool with both of them. And it will be all made possible by a lowly Republican candidate from North Carolina.
 
Who is a white guy. Don’t forget that.