Immediately this reporter contacted a spokesperson for the Waffle House chain. He was wildly enthusiastic about the idea. "Bringing back firing squads is just the latest example of a great concept being first floated at a Waffle House," he said.
I didn't know Waffle Houses were such hotbeds of intellectual ferment.
"You just haven't been paying attention. Syrup, hotcakes and bacon are known natural brain foods. Every single waffle, whether square or round, contains in its lines and rectangles an intellectually stimulating natural geometry lesson. Pythagoras was staring at a waffle when he came up with his famous theorem, believe it or not."
The ancient Greeks made waffles?
"Tons of 'em. Ate 'em by the plateful while they were braining up to invent Western civilization. Aristotle, Plato, Demosthenes, Bucephalus…all of them could wreak havoc on a stack of waffley goodness before you could say "I think, therefore I want more syrup."
You're aware Bucephalus was a horse?
"And a smart beast indeed. But let's get back to the death penalty issue. The Waffle House is fully behind the restoration of firing squads. We're prepared to sponsor."
I didn't know Florida was looking for sponsors for its executions.
"Why not? Privatization of public services is the wave of the future. The trouble with lethal injection is that it's dull, dull, dull. The condemned's eyes just close like he was watching the School Board Channel. If you're lucky, he poops himself. Big whoop. With firing squads, private enterprise is going to want in on the action.
But what do waffles have to do with the death penalty?
"Try and follow me here. We're not going to try to ace our fellow corporate citizens out of the execution action. There's a drama to death by firing squad that lends itself to sponsorship. What about the blindfold? What do you think Nike's going to pay to have "Just Do It" printed on that?"
Possibly you've been eating too many waffles.
"And if Nike won't cough up with the big bucks, we've got Kellog's waiting in the wings. Snap, Crackle and Pop! Ammunition makers will fall all over themselves to supply the rounds. "Teflon Bullets—They're Not Just for Killing Cops Anymore." There's a message, my friend.
Representative Drake has suggested employees of the Florida Department of Corrections will carry out the executions. Do you think they should be wearing Waffle House uniforms?
"We'll go better than that. We will supply the actual executioners. We'll make more loot by filming a reality show about them. Long, intense conversations in a Jacuzzi about who gets the gun with the blank in it this time. We'll have at least one smokin' hot girl who always complains that the recoil from the rifles keeps bruising her enormous garbanzos."
Waffle House sounds like they're all in with the firing squad idea. You realize it hasn't become law yet?
"Yes, but we're prepared for that. If Florida won't do the sensible thing and bring back the firing squad, we're ready to build a heavy-duty waffle-maker."
"Yes. A waffle maker capable of carrying out the will of the people of Florida."
Wouldn't that be cruel and unusual punishment?
"Cruelty is in the eye of the beholder. I have it admit, though, it would be damn unusual."