Yes, God is so honked off at the US that he permits terrorists to attack us and hurricanes to smack us, to punish us for not making transgenders piss in the woods, according to Graham. Global warming and us bombing the humps off every camel in the Middle East have nothing to do with it.
There’s any number of people who could make a solid argument about this being a lot of cooked-up evangelical gibberish designed to sell Anne’s books, but this column tirelessly pursues the truth. It’s easy to find scientists and diplomats who would have no trouble poking holes in the Graham Doctrine, but we wanted to go one better, so we contacted a terrorist we knew from social media.
The terrorist, whom we knew only by his screen name, Mohammed Clambake, was expecting to provide a proper Islamic rebuttal to the lady preacher. Much to our surprise, he immediately agreed with her.
“Yes, Allah tells us the same thing. We must destroy America, because you deserve it big time. We’re jihad to the bone, baby. This Lotz woman displays much wisdom, even though eventually we must behead her and every other infidel until the Caliphate is restored. Beheading, beheading, and more beheading. Or car bombs, or whatever.”
But what about the transgender bathrooms? Is Allah browned off about them?
“Not really sure about that. In our country, since the CIA clogged every toilet in our land as part of its plan to restore our colonial overlords, we all have to use the same hole in the sand. We all wear dresses, too, so that possibly causes some confusion as well. But in principal, we agree. If we find any transgenders, we will stone them, because they are an affront to Allah, the All Powerful.”
This Allah character seems to have a lot in common with the God of the Grahams.
“In the sense that they are both easily affronted, yes. We want to worship a Supreme Being who is thoroughly ticked off at humanity. Not some pussy God that loves everyone. Where’s the juice in that? A God that wants us to kill everyone outside of our own madrassah is a just God, because He, like us, just can’t stand the way most people act. They can behave the way Allah wants them to behave, or we will tear out their entrails, not because we enjoy tearing out entrails…”
Sure you do.
“All right, it beats video games. But Allah commands us to do it, so that someday we will be with Him in Paradise while the infidels burn in Hell.
Anne’s planning on being in Heaven, too.
“That is heresy, for which some day you will be whipped and hanged. She will only enter Paradise if she accepts Islam, which is not likely because she’s making bank off being an infidel. Although for a person who’s probably never set off an IED in her life, she makes a lot of sense.”
You getting all fuzzy and ecumenical on me, Mohammed?
“Bite your blasphemous tongue. What’s your home address? I need to send you a pipe bomb.”