Candace has her invading face on Candace Owens, attractive, multiracial, slobbering right-wing loon-girl, recently suggested that the US invade Australia to free its people from its “totalitarian regime,” and compared the current rulers of Australia to Hitler, Stalin and the Taliban.
You may think to yourself "Hmm...invading Australia--what an astonishingly shitty idea!" Candace is in favor of it, though, because Australia occasionally enforces Covid lockdowns, which have kept Australia’s death toll from the pandemic at about 1,500, as opposed to our league-leading 730,000. This difference is not because Australians trust their government and their scientists and are willing to follow their recommendations so as few of them die as possible. It is obviously, at least to Candace Owens, caused by naked oppression.
But before the Marines storm ashore at Darwin and unleash a hail of bullets coated with ivermectin in the name of freedom, we need to pause and look at our recent invading history. Possibly Candace shouldn’t have mentioned the Taliban, because they just repeated the Viet Cong’s strategy of successfully defeating the US in a war, which is just to keep fighting us until we get sick of it and leave.
When the US loses a war, we don’t invade anyplace for a while, so Australia doesn’t have to worry about beach fortifications immediately. We’ll probably invade a tiny island next (watch out, Bermuda!) to get our flabby invading muscles back in shape. Then, maybe a nice, full-scale invasion that goes well. Then, back to nation-building!
But that’s probably a couple decades down the road. Australia presents unique problems as a place to invade if we decide to go that route. It’s big, and thinly populated. You have to invade at the right spots, or you won’t be able to find anybody to shoot at all. It’s full of man-eating crocodiles and hard-chomping deadly spiders too, not just the occasional bad-tempered camel, although Australia does have some of them as well.
The Australian back country is populated by bogans, which are the Australian equivalent of hillbillies, minus the gloss of evangelical Christianity. Like rural Americans, they are often drunk and love to fight. They have a belligerent love of country, which often expresses itself as a willingness to thump on nonwhite people. They, like American yick-a-doos, would probably present no more than a minor annoyance to a professional invading force, but they think they’re hardasses, so you never know.
Plus, we have no plans to invade Australia, and by that, I mean maybe we do. The Pentagon is supposed to have a plan for everything, and for 750 billion a year, they should. But if you’re the desk jockey that gets told, “Colonel, you’re the guy who needs to develop a strategy for invading Australia. Here’s an office, a map, and some plastic ships and soldiers to push around,” you can probably kiss your chances of being a Joint Chief of Staff someday goodbye.
We just sold Australia some nuclear submarines too, which pissed off the French and is a dumb thing to do right before you invade somebody. Sell them submarines, that is, not piss off the French. You can brown off France anytime you want to. It’s easy, and there are no consequences.
But if Candace’s dreams come true and on some day in the near future an American armada is steaming off the coastline down under, ready to fire hydroxyquinone missiles at the outback, and American fighting men are set to land on Australia’s beaches and rip off every mask they see, don't prepare for an epic Australian resistance, because the Australians are just going to stand there with their arms crossed and say, “Ya got to be fuckin’ kiddin,' mate.”
It will be the first war lost because of utter embarrassment. Our only hope is to have Candace lead the troops.
Because that lady can’t be embarrassed.
You may think to yourself "Hmm...invading Australia--what an astonishingly shitty idea!" Candace is in favor of it, though, because Australia occasionally enforces Covid lockdowns, which have kept Australia’s death toll from the pandemic at about 1,500, as opposed to our league-leading 730,000. This difference is not because Australians trust their government and their scientists and are willing to follow their recommendations so as few of them die as possible. It is obviously, at least to Candace Owens, caused by naked oppression.
But before the Marines storm ashore at Darwin and unleash a hail of bullets coated with ivermectin in the name of freedom, we need to pause and look at our recent invading history. Possibly Candace shouldn’t have mentioned the Taliban, because they just repeated the Viet Cong’s strategy of successfully defeating the US in a war, which is just to keep fighting us until we get sick of it and leave.
When the US loses a war, we don’t invade anyplace for a while, so Australia doesn’t have to worry about beach fortifications immediately. We’ll probably invade a tiny island next (watch out, Bermuda!) to get our flabby invading muscles back in shape. Then, maybe a nice, full-scale invasion that goes well. Then, back to nation-building!
But that’s probably a couple decades down the road. Australia presents unique problems as a place to invade if we decide to go that route. It’s big, and thinly populated. You have to invade at the right spots, or you won’t be able to find anybody to shoot at all. It’s full of man-eating crocodiles and hard-chomping deadly spiders too, not just the occasional bad-tempered camel, although Australia does have some of them as well.
The Australian back country is populated by bogans, which are the Australian equivalent of hillbillies, minus the gloss of evangelical Christianity. Like rural Americans, they are often drunk and love to fight. They have a belligerent love of country, which often expresses itself as a willingness to thump on nonwhite people. They, like American yick-a-doos, would probably present no more than a minor annoyance to a professional invading force, but they think they’re hardasses, so you never know.
Plus, we have no plans to invade Australia, and by that, I mean maybe we do. The Pentagon is supposed to have a plan for everything, and for 750 billion a year, they should. But if you’re the desk jockey that gets told, “Colonel, you’re the guy who needs to develop a strategy for invading Australia. Here’s an office, a map, and some plastic ships and soldiers to push around,” you can probably kiss your chances of being a Joint Chief of Staff someday goodbye.
We just sold Australia some nuclear submarines too, which pissed off the French and is a dumb thing to do right before you invade somebody. Sell them submarines, that is, not piss off the French. You can brown off France anytime you want to. It’s easy, and there are no consequences.
But if Candace’s dreams come true and on some day in the near future an American armada is steaming off the coastline down under, ready to fire hydroxyquinone missiles at the outback, and American fighting men are set to land on Australia’s beaches and rip off every mask they see, don't prepare for an epic Australian resistance, because the Australians are just going to stand there with their arms crossed and say, “Ya got to be fuckin’ kiddin,' mate.”
It will be the first war lost because of utter embarrassment. Our only hope is to have Candace lead the troops.
Because that lady can’t be embarrassed.
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