Not arguing with that. In fact, I was chatting with God the other day—not praying, mind you—the Almighty and I use Skype--and just as an aside, I mentioned to Him that the Bible calls for death for gays, as well as disobedient children, unfaithful wives and people who eat shrimp cocktails.
The Almighty just shrugged and said, “Those were just for examples. Don’t you get the picture? Everybody deserves to die! From childhood cancer victims to 115-year-old Japanese women, you all get it in the end. Not everybody dies alone, either—I got tsunamis and pogroms and earthquakes at group rates for that. There are deaths I especially look forward to—Rush Limbaugh’s, for example—that hateful obese prick is going to undergo a special advanced treatment that only millionaires can afford for his lung cancer. It’s going to be extremely painful, ultimately futile, and will result in his penis coming off in his hand while he’s trying to give a urine sample as a side-effect—but the end result will be the same as anybody’s that I chose to just mercifully hit with a sudden coronary or a bus. Lights out.”
Hmm—how come none of the evangelicals seem to get this message?
“I don’t know. I make it pretty obvious. First off, everybody does die. How come people think that’s a bug, not a feature? Of course, Buttigieg deserves to die. Not for kissing his husband, natch, but just because he’s human. So’s his husband. They’re both going to kick the bucket, like everybody else who was ever alive.”
Is it a result of the whole Original Sin thing?
“I got over that a while ago. You might have noticed I had a bit of a tendency to overreact in those days. In My defense, I was a brand-new Creator, and I felt the pressure to be perfect a little more than I do now. But the whole universality of death thing—I decided to keep it long ago.”
“Jesus, man—don’t look at Me like that—I’m entitled to take that little slacker’s Name in vain if anybody is—imagine what the world would be like if everybody lived forever? Next time you got sick, some 600-year old medieval doctor says it’s because you bathe too often and covers you with leeches. The Egyptians are still building pyramids. Genghis Khan is making everybody nervous, always riding around on the steppes, angling for his next chance to conquer Asia. Muhammad and Joseph Smith could actually appear together on Firing Line and debate which one of them invented a better religion. Death is My way of clearing the world of old stupid ideas, just to give new stupid ideas a chance to blossom.”
But sometimes there are good ideas, too.
“I concede that. It's an alarming trend, but I do My best to combat it. For every microbiologist, an anti-vaxxer. For every astrophysicist, a flat-earther. For every serious writer, an episode of Say Yes to the Dress. For every oenologist, a case of Bud Light Strawberry Seltzer. For every philosopher, a professional wrestling fan. For every Buttigieg, a Steve Gohmert. That’s My motto.”
“So, it’s You that keeps us stupid?
“Hell, yeah. It’s almost as obvious as the death thing, but nobody figures it out. That’s how I know it’s working.”