
Burchett is also in favor of sending criminals to El Salvador, and why he is not content with merely sending the Saturday Night Live cast and writers there is something the Representative does not expound upon, but after a skit comparing the death, resurrection and subsequent plunge of the stock market to the career of Jesus, the Rep suggested that the crew of the ageless TV show was going to the Place of Eternal Perdition, El Salvador apparently being too good for them.
This proposition needed some testing, so I booted up Microsoft Teams (twice, of course, because it never works right the first time) drew a pentangle on the screen, and put in a call to Satan.
He appeared, sooty and distracted as he always does, and said, “What now?”
Well, the cast and crew of Saturday Night Live. I hear they’re going to Hell. Is that true?
“I wish, but hell, no. My Opponent decreed long ago that all funny people go to Heaven. Eternity is a long time, and the Heavenly Elect deserve some yucks. If you can crack a joke, you’re forgiven.”
The sketch in question wasn’t particularly funny.
“I know, but Jesus smirked while He was watching it, I hear. He likes anything about Himself. His Father didn’t care for it. He Hates being reminded that his Hijo has been dogging the Second Coming for centuries, but it only takes one of the Trinity to get you in. Of course, you can be so funny that you get to go to heaven early. Fat comics really roll the Holy Ghost. That’s why Belushi, Candy and Farley died young. The Ghost wanted them on stage Up There, and everybody in Heaven tiptoes around the Holy Ghost. Dude can be nasty, I hear, but I don’t send Him tips now and then. Contrary to gossip, I might add.”
Good insight. But those guys were classic on Saturday Night. A lot of the skits on SNL today are pretty strained and obvious.
“So what? People trying to be funny go to Heaven, too. They have all eternity to come up with a knee-slapper. I’d give them the same chance, if any of them ever showed up here, but no. It wouldn’t be Hell if it was humorous.”
Really, nobody who can crack wise goes through the Gates of Eternal Darkness?
“No. We only get people who think they are funny.”
Oh, wow. That must be torture.
“Part of the deal. Plenty of them here already, and more to come. We have a spot reserved in the Jacuzzi of Volcanic Mudflows for Andrew Dice Clay. Right next to Joe Rogan’s.”
So, I should let the Congressman know that he’s way off base about the SNL crew?
“You can if you want to, but I’m looking forward to telling him myself.