richardcahill.net

Who Will Trump Kill Next?

1/6/2020

There’s partying on the links at Mar-al-Lago, where Trump remained the entire time the United States was dispatching Qasem Soleimani, head of Iran’s Quds Force, to the company of 72 virgins, because it drove impeachment off the news cycle for a day.

Nobody in the White House will admit this, naturally. Their story is that Soleimani had his head surgically blown off by a precision missile strike because he was planning attacks against Americans. Yes, he was. That was his job, and he no doubt expected some day to be abruptly killed for it, but the timing of it is as suspect as an email from Nigeria.

First off, the Quds Force is still around. If they want to carry out plans to kill Americans, they have thousands of fighters remaining to do so. Even Trump doesn’t believe that they’re all going to quit and start looking for jobs in retail just because Soleimani is dead.

The other reason given for Soleimani’s explosive dispatching to Hell is that one of the under-militias he managed had just killed an American contractor. Trump chilling the Quds Force commander sends a message reverberating throughout the world—if you’re a Washington Post reporter and you get fed into a wood chipper by Trump’s Saudi buds, you’re good. And if you keep an American citizen in captivity for no good reason for years, and then release him a week before he dies of cancer, Trump will exchange love letters with you. But if you work for Halliburton, Trump’s got your back.

The problem with killing just Soleimani is that the American public never heard of him, just like they never heard of the ISIS guy Trump laid waste to last year when the impeachment train started picking up speed. Abū Bakr al-Baghdadi al-Qurashi? Remember him? Of course, you don’t. I had to Google him.

The problem with Trump killing random Muslim murderers in order to take the impeachment heat off himself is that there are very few terrorists really well-known to the man in the street, and the biggest A-lister in the terrorist field was killed on the orders of Trump’s least favorite President back in 2011. I’m sure there’s rumors on 8chan that Osama is still alive. Don’t be surprised if Trump starts re-Tweeting them. Bin Laden’s the guy he really needs to kill. That ought to put impeachment to rest until at least after St. Patrick’s Day.

The guess here, though, is that Osama will remain dead. Who is next on Trump’s hit list? Nothing like a string of international murders to keep people from reading those dull emails about how hard he was planning to screw Ukraine. In no particular order:

PRINCE ANDREW. Keeps him from flapping his royal mouth about your teenage girl habit. Can’t count on him taking the Epstein route.

HILLARY. Before she kills you.

TRUDEAU. Your wife will never look at him that way again.

HUNTER BIDEN. And make it look like his dad did it.

THAT ALEXANDRIA OCCASIONALLY-CORTEZ PERSON. Before she turns us into Venezuela.

PETE BUTTIGIEG. Because he’s a smarmy little gay bastard who didn’t bone-spur his way out of military service.

PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. Good for more points with Putin!

GEORGE CONWAY. Nobody would miss him, especially Kellyanne.

THE WHISTLEBLOWER: This one would just feel so good.

ANY REPUBLICAN SENATOR THAT SEEMS TO GETTING A LITTLE SQUISHY ABOUT IGNORING ALL THE EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU AND ACQUITTING YOU AT YOUR TRIAL.

You listening, Mitt?

2 Comments

Unhinged Bullshitter Reluctant to Lead War Against Iran

6/24/2019

2 Comments

Might not sit well with the base

The on-again, off-again war with Iran has John Bolton sucking his mustache with glee, but Trump himself seems to be hesitant to jump into the role of wartime Commander-in-Chief. His excuse for not bombing Iran back is obviously flimsy--pretending to care about 150 anonymous Muslim lives all of a sudden, instead of ignoring them like they were kids in cages begging for soap and toothpaste.

Maybe he’s looking at the portraits of Lyndon Johnson and Bush II hanging around the White House and realizing that Presidents who lie us into long, unwinnable wars pretty much get the shaft from history. He might also be self-aware enough to realize that Johnson and Bush had no particular reputation for lying, at least not much above the average for a political pro, until they told the whoppers they’ll be forever remembered for, whereas Trump has told over 10,000 public lies since he took the oath of office, if you believe the Washington Post.

Ha! Just kidding. Not about believing the Post, but about Trump being self-aware. Otherwise, he might have realized that wiping his ass with the treaty we signed with Iran one President ago, then handing it back to Iran and telling them, “You need to stick to this, anyway,” was not the most brilliant diplomatic ploy of this century. The best resolution of the whole conflict would be Trump luring the Iranians back into talks and getting them to sign a new treaty, probably slightly worse for the US than the old one, and giving Trump the chance to lie about it being a brilliant achievement of his.

You can almost hear the diplomatic back channel from North Korea to Iran humming with Kim Jong Un urging the ayatollahs, “Do it! It work for me!”

But Trump can’t go to war. It might actually cause him to lose his base.

Trumpanzees don’t mind Trump lying. They enjoy it. They know he’s not really against abortion and for Jesus. They just know that he really pisses off people who have college degrees, watch CNN and can get through the week without swallowing thirty OxyContin, and that’s enough for them to vote for him.

But they also have kids, if those kids haven’t accidentally shot each other dead already with the guns they have concealed in their sofa cushions, and they don’t want to send those kids to fight in another Middle Eastern war. They’ve already done that, and got them back with missing pieces or enough PTSD so that they have to live under a tarp in the woods in between trips to the VA hospital.

Trump can lie to them about building walls, jailing Hillary and not laundering money for Putin’s pals all he wants, and it’s just like tickling their tummies, because they know those lies really rile up us California types who think they are a bunch of drug-addled, Confederate flag-waving, homophobic yick-a-doos. But Trump can’t lie them into a war. Plenty of their kids are already in the armed forces and have made great sacrifices to be there, like finishing high school and quitting crystal meth for a month to pass the drug screen. And while the base may want to own the libs, they DO NOT want their young’uns blown up by an IED just get that done.

Trump may actually realize this. For sure, the Iranians do.

2 Comments

Iran Bans Dog Ownership, America Prepares for War

4/19/2011

0 Comments

Banned Iranian dog

Iranian authorities have proposed a crackdown on dog ownership in their country, citing Islamic beliefs that canines are najes, or unclean. While shepherd dogs and other working breeds would still be allowed, the keeping of dogs for pets would be banned as "vulgar" and "Western."

The US immediately moved a carrier group within striking distance of Iran and hostilities seemed inevitable.

Several members of Congress protested against the military moves. "We're already at war in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, sort of," said one senior member of the House Armed Services Committee. "And the Iranian ban is only on short-legged or "holdable" dogs. Big dogs are okay. Are we willing to go to war to save the rights of Iranians to own foo-foo dogs?"

"Absolutely," was Vice-President Joe Biden's reply. "Americans love dogs of all shapes and sizes. The notion that our nation would only act to protect large breeds and turn a blind eye to the persecution of small, yippy lap dogs is an error that the dog-hating nations of the world would love to see us make, but it's not happening on our watch."

Republicans, usually unrelenting in their criticism of the Obama administration, quickly assented to the military moves. "Sure, the Iranians held us hostage, build illegal nuclear weapons, deny the Holocaust and generally screw with us every chance they get, and we haven't done diddly to them up to this point," Speaker of the House John Boehner admitted. "But when their illegitimate regime starts stepping on the necks of Pomeranians and Jack Russell terriers, America has to act, or risk encouraging the forces of anti-caninism everywhere. Crank up those Tomahawks."

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been persuaded out of retirement in order to lead the war effort. "What we need are boots on the ground," Rumsfeld said, upon resumption of duties. "American boots on Iranian ground. Stepping in the poop of grateful Iranian dogs."

Already, caninarian aid is being prepared. "Sure, once our tanks are rolling into Tehran it makes for great TV," said one spokesperson for Dogs Without Borders, "but we have to be ready with immediate relief supplies. It's one thing to win the war, but we have to replace all the pooper scoopers and chew strips that have been seized by the Iranian authorities. By the time victory is achieved, how long will the doggies of the defeated nation been without a squeaky mouse toy, rawhide strip or a Frisbee? Maybe too long."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, while presiding over frantic diplomatic efforts to avoid the dogfight, spoke sternly to the world audience. "The United States of America is a pit bull on the burglar's ankle of dog oppression. Anyone thinks otherwise, they're barking up the wrong tree."

0 Comments