After Tucker Carlson’s latest, and in the opinion of some, most peculiar assault on American culture yet, his angry ranting about the Green M&M’s footwear, a casual observer might think it’s time the Tuckster backed down and went back to libeling real people, like perennial testicle-moistener Ted Cruz.
That’s not going to happen, said a Fox News spokesperson. Perhaps in an attempt to surpass his Fox colleague Candace Owens' over-the-top meltdown over Minnie Mouse wearing a pantsuit, Tucker promises to spend the next week going after Joe Biden’s new cat.
“Look, this is a woke kitty. A regular Democat. Tucker will be deconstructing the left-wing lie machine’s characterization of Willow as just another cat that likes to lie on the kitchen counter and have a full food dish. Think of the new Biden pet as a feline version of AOC, prowling full-time around the White House purring about defunding the police and keeping the border open for drug smugglers and child rapists.”
Aren’t you afraid even more people are going to start thinking Carlson needs some new meds as well as a new haircut?
“Nonsense. Most cats have left-wing agendas, and Willow is no exception. Stalin and Mao Zedong both had cats. Do you believe that?
No.
“Well, our viewers will. Presidents should have better pets, anyway. Like dogs.”
Biden has a dog.
“A dog that lives in fear of that Marxist guerilla of a cat that Sleepy Joe has allowed to infiltrate Pennsylvania Avenue. We might devote a whole episode to the reign of terror that Willow is inflicting on Commander. One Communist-inspired swipe with her paw might cause the whole New Pet Order to come crashing down.”
Shouldn’t you be worried that by pointing out that the White House is now pet-friendly, you’ll remind Trump voters, many of whom have six or eight coon dogs sleeping under their porches, that Trump hates all animals and never even let his kids have so much as a goldfish when they were growing up?
“No. And besides, God forbid, if Trump isn’t the Republican nominee in 2024, all of the back-up Republicans have pets.”
Really?
“Really. I mean, Rand Paul has four dogs now, to keep his new neighbor at bay. Tom Cotton has a monkey who has been trained to follow him around wearing the uniform of a US Army staff sergeant, just in case anyone forgets Cotton was once in the military. Not that anyone really considers her a Republican anymore, but Liz Cheney keeps a buffalo to remind herself she’s from Wyoming. Josh Hawley has a snake, naturally.”
What about the current runner-up? DeSantis?
"He's got a frozen iguana."
That’s not going to happen, said a Fox News spokesperson. Perhaps in an attempt to surpass his Fox colleague Candace Owens' over-the-top meltdown over Minnie Mouse wearing a pantsuit, Tucker promises to spend the next week going after Joe Biden’s new cat.
“Look, this is a woke kitty. A regular Democat. Tucker will be deconstructing the left-wing lie machine’s characterization of Willow as just another cat that likes to lie on the kitchen counter and have a full food dish. Think of the new Biden pet as a feline version of AOC, prowling full-time around the White House purring about defunding the police and keeping the border open for drug smugglers and child rapists.”
Aren’t you afraid even more people are going to start thinking Carlson needs some new meds as well as a new haircut?
“Nonsense. Most cats have left-wing agendas, and Willow is no exception. Stalin and Mao Zedong both had cats. Do you believe that?
No.
“Well, our viewers will. Presidents should have better pets, anyway. Like dogs.”
Biden has a dog.
“A dog that lives in fear of that Marxist guerilla of a cat that Sleepy Joe has allowed to infiltrate Pennsylvania Avenue. We might devote a whole episode to the reign of terror that Willow is inflicting on Commander. One Communist-inspired swipe with her paw might cause the whole New Pet Order to come crashing down.”
Shouldn’t you be worried that by pointing out that the White House is now pet-friendly, you’ll remind Trump voters, many of whom have six or eight coon dogs sleeping under their porches, that Trump hates all animals and never even let his kids have so much as a goldfish when they were growing up?
“No. And besides, God forbid, if Trump isn’t the Republican nominee in 2024, all of the back-up Republicans have pets.”
Really?
“Really. I mean, Rand Paul has four dogs now, to keep his new neighbor at bay. Tom Cotton has a monkey who has been trained to follow him around wearing the uniform of a US Army staff sergeant, just in case anyone forgets Cotton was once in the military. Not that anyone really considers her a Republican anymore, but Liz Cheney keeps a buffalo to remind herself she’s from Wyoming. Josh Hawley has a snake, naturally.”
What about the current runner-up? DeSantis?
"He's got a frozen iguana."
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