It is true that God, up until now, has not required any assistance from technology. Whether by burning bush, walls of Middle Eastern cities coming tumbling down, or simply showy tricks like walking on water, God made his anger, goodness and superiority plain without assistance from T-Mobile.
But it is the Age of Apps, and right now, right this very second, you can download the Hallow app and plead with the Almighty directly, depending on your signal and battery strength. Despite the convenience of being able to have a chin-wag with Jesus without using the traditional method of mental telepathy focused on the skies above, I hesitated to download this app.
For one thing, I already have a shit-ton of useless apps on my phone, like everybody else. Having recently returned from vacation, I have the Delta Airlines app, which, anytime I want, will tell me I don’t have enough Delta miles for anything more than an extra bag of weird crackers on my next flight. I have the Norwegian app, which is pretty well good for nothing unless you are on a Norwegian cruise ship and need a pleasant Filipino steward to bring a beer to your cabin.
I have WhatsApp, for people who are too technologically snobby to send a regular text message to me.
But the Hallows app has many tempting features. It’s for Christians only, so you’re not going to get accidentally connected to Allah and wind up on a pilgrimage or a jihad you didn’t intend to go on. It builds a prayer habit, so you consistently remind God about your existence. This may strike God as a trifle annoying—He may have other stuff to do—but it may come in handy if you find yourself being swallowed alive by a giant anaconda and need immediate intercession from the All Powerful before you end up partially digested in Heaven.
Of course, if you find yourself in the situation of being a snake snack, and need to use the app, you have to log in first, and this is no time to need to use the Forgot Password button. You also have to hope there’s enough signal in the swamp to patch through to the Pearly Gates.
And, inevitably, when at some point when you really want to get close to God right now, you’ll get a message that the app is updating.
But you can pray the rosary with Mark Wahlberg! The hunky actor is featured on the app, and if you can’t picture yourself mumbling through yet another dreary ritual of bead-counting by yourself, Mark Wahlberg will help you do it! You can imagine yourself running your fingers across his ripped abdominals and shaved pectorals, and resting your head against his chest, slightly sweaty from his daily workout, as you chant your Hail Marys.
And if you start to suspect that thinking about covering Mark Wahlberg’s hardened muscles with light kisses while you’re supposed to be praying the Lord’s Prayer might be an occasion of sin, as the nuns of my youth used to describe such things to me, you do not have to worry about that offense.
Forgiveness is just an app away.
But it is the Age of Apps, and right now, right this very second, you can download the Hallow app and plead with the Almighty directly, depending on your signal and battery strength. Despite the convenience of being able to have a chin-wag with Jesus without using the traditional method of mental telepathy focused on the skies above, I hesitated to download this app.
For one thing, I already have a shit-ton of useless apps on my phone, like everybody else. Having recently returned from vacation, I have the Delta Airlines app, which, anytime I want, will tell me I don’t have enough Delta miles for anything more than an extra bag of weird crackers on my next flight. I have the Norwegian app, which is pretty well good for nothing unless you are on a Norwegian cruise ship and need a pleasant Filipino steward to bring a beer to your cabin.
I have WhatsApp, for people who are too technologically snobby to send a regular text message to me.
But the Hallows app has many tempting features. It’s for Christians only, so you’re not going to get accidentally connected to Allah and wind up on a pilgrimage or a jihad you didn’t intend to go on. It builds a prayer habit, so you consistently remind God about your existence. This may strike God as a trifle annoying—He may have other stuff to do—but it may come in handy if you find yourself being swallowed alive by a giant anaconda and need immediate intercession from the All Powerful before you end up partially digested in Heaven.
Of course, if you find yourself in the situation of being a snake snack, and need to use the app, you have to log in first, and this is no time to need to use the Forgot Password button. You also have to hope there’s enough signal in the swamp to patch through to the Pearly Gates.
And, inevitably, when at some point when you really want to get close to God right now, you’ll get a message that the app is updating.
But you can pray the rosary with Mark Wahlberg! The hunky actor is featured on the app, and if you can’t picture yourself mumbling through yet another dreary ritual of bead-counting by yourself, Mark Wahlberg will help you do it! You can imagine yourself running your fingers across his ripped abdominals and shaved pectorals, and resting your head against his chest, slightly sweaty from his daily workout, as you chant your Hail Marys.
And if you start to suspect that thinking about covering Mark Wahlberg’s hardened muscles with light kisses while you’re supposed to be praying the Lord’s Prayer might be an occasion of sin, as the nuns of my youth used to describe such things to me, you do not have to worry about that offense.
Forgiveness is just an app away.
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