I must admit I let this column lose track of the Space Force. My crack research team had failed to notice that the Force had actually been formed. Last I heard, the Joint Chiefs were arguing about whether the Air Force had jurisdiction over space. Somebody must have won the argument by pointing out that there is no air in space, therefore we needed an entire new military bureaucracy to fight in the vacuum.
So, the Space Force has been born. The first thing they needed was a uniform, and they have one. Much fun has been made of it, since it is traditional military camouflage, and there is a significant lack of underbrush to blend into out in space. Space camouflage should be black, and sprinkled with white dots that represent stars. That way, the wearer could blend into space, when his rocket ship is attacked and he or she is blown out into it.
No worries about that right now, since the Space Force does not actually have any rocket ships. What it does have is a Bible, though, even though the Bible does not mention space. Indeed, many of today’s Flat Earth practitioners cite the Bible when they accuse NASA of sending astronauts to the space station, which they believe hangs by gigantic suction cups that astronauts lick and stick on the underside of the big dome God keeps us in, so they can take pictures of the Earth with fish-eye cameras, to give us the false impression that it is round.
That is the same Bible we will now launch into space on the wings of the Space Force. We do not know yet whether every Space Force capsule will be required to have a Bible on board, like a comfy room in a Holiday Inn Express, so space soldiers can either take it out of the drawer and read it, or set their beers on it, like I do. Only it’ll be a suite fueled by liquid hydrogen and capable of shooting laser rays at its enemies.
When our technology advances to the point where we can actually build Death Stars, will the Space Force make sure each one has a Bible inside, so that the Death Star commander can read a reverent little verse or two before imploding a planet and all its inhabitants? Based on the history of the connection between religion and military adventuring, the bet here is yes.
And will the heroic fighters of the Space Rebellion figure out the weak point in the USS Death Star in time to destroy it, before it blows up their home world? Will a lone Resistance fighter in a tiny craft, accompanied only by a squealy little robot, be able to shoot an energy pulse down the one crack in the Death Star’s armor, causing it to blow up at the last minute and send thousands of camouflage-clad space fighters to their doom?
Here, we are willing to send out a tip to that brave soul of the future— Aim for the Bible.