Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

Conspiracy theorists claim that an abandoned homeless camp near Tucson, Arizona, was the site of a child sex slavery ring organized by the Clintons, George Soros and the Rothschilds. News item.
 
At first blush, this seems like an entirely plausible claim. Anybody who owns as many pantsuits as Hillary must also keep sex slaves. She has a taste for them, like her fondness for hot sauce and emails. She was known to keep sex slaves in the basement of a pizza joint in DC but had to move them out of there when the business was discovered to have no basement. George Soros, whose last name begins with an "s," like both "sex" and "slave," and the Rothschilds, who are Jews, helped her herd them out in the dead of night to the Arizona desert.
 
All this was discovered by Veterans on Patrol, a group where you don’t actually have to be a veteran to join. Just owning a gun and having an inclination to fuck with people qualifies you for membership. The Veterans discovered an abandoned homeless camp in the desert, which contained an underground tank where they think sex slaves were held prisoner and a “rape tree” with straps attached to it, where children being sex-trafficked could be tied up and have the predictable thing done to them.
 
The Tucson police investigated the scene and immediately started covering up the evidence of Clintonian sex crimes. They claimed that the straps were just used to tie tarps to the trees so the homeless people could have some shade. Shade is a heavily desired commodity in Tucson in the summer, where daytime highs can reach a nice even 115 degrees, at which point Tucsonians will grin and brag that it’s still three degrees cooler than Phoenix. The cops also ran a cadaver dog over the premises, and found no cadavers, which just proved to the Veterans that all the sex slaves were moved out of there alive.
 
All this makes sense to the group’s millions of adherents on Facebook and YouTube. Where did Loretta Lynch and Bill Clinton have their famous meeting to bury Hillary’s email crimes? Arizona, so they could enjoy some sex slaves afterwards. Why was Anthony Weiner sexting underage girls? Because Huma cut him off from the sex slaves, because she was mad at him for claiming he had to be a Congressman instead of attending her mother’s birthday party. Why did Hillary lose Pennsylvania and Wisconsin? Because she didn’t bus in enough sex slaves to vote for her in either state.
 
The burning question is, where are the sex slaves now? They were at the recent G-7 summit, because Merkel and Macron’s wife are known to have an older woman’s desire for lots of sex slaves, just like Hillary does. Trudeau was there too, shamelessly being the Prime Minister of Canada despite the fact that he was raised as a sex slave, and a particularly adorable one, too.
 
And Canada is close to New York, where Clinton used to be Senator. New York is so full of trees that at least some of them have to be rape trees. George Soros and the Rothschilds are known to have landed in New York in airplanes. It all makes sense, if you can connect the dots.
 
So, grab your gun and go looking for abandoned sex slave encampments near you. Apparently, Hillary’s too cheap to keep her sex slaves indoors. And ignore your friends and family when they tell you you’ve “drunk the Kool-Aid.”
 
Tell them you’ve eaten the pizza instead.

A national wave of revulsion is building towards the Trump White House, and it’s making it difficult for the people who work for it to dine out, have sex, or get their picture taken with Seth Rogan.
 
The first to complain were single Trump junior staffers, who said they faced a wall of denial when they tried to move in on the single ladies of DC. “Just because I’m a rancid little Nazi doesn’t mean I don’t have natural urges,” one was heard to complain. “You’d think that being close to the seat of power would make me an irresistible magnet for girls that live for Netflix and chill, but the closest match for me on Tinder turned out to live in Dry Prong, Louisiana.”
 
Next, Homeland Security boss lady Kirstjen Neilsen, who rose through the Trump cabinet ranks despite not being able to spell her own name, was mercilessly heckled at a Mexican restaurant after she started her department’s policy of putting kids in cages. The brave Trumpista chose to eat Mexican even though she knew the chances that at least one of the chefs was going to pluck an armpit hair and float it in her tortilla soup were nearly 100%, but then her fellow diners got into the act and chanted her out into the street before she could finish the bowl.
 
Then Stephen Miller, the proto-concentration camp commander who has the ear of Trump in matters of putting brown kids behind bars, also decided to dine Mexican. That the man likes tamales way more than he likes toddlers is certain, but he, too was unable to eat in peace as a protester repeatedly called him a fascist while he was trying to dig into his guacamole.
 
A judge released his written ruling last week dismissing the case of a man who got kicked out of a New York bar for wearing a MAGA cap. The complete text of the legal opinion read, “Yeah, fuck you.”
 
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is no fool. When she saw what way the restaurant winds were blowing, she made her dinner reservations at non-Mexican restaurant a hundred miles out of DC. But The Red Hen turned out to be La Gallina Roja, as Sanders was booted out on the pavement before her dinner was served, despite the restaurant not having posted a sign that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Fat Lying Tools, No Service.”
 
And Seth Rogen refused to have his picture taken with Paul Ryan, despite having already had his picture taken with Harvey Weinstein. In a statement released to the press, the actor said “Harvey Weinstein wants to rape aspiring actresses. Paul Ryan wants to rape old ladies on Social Security. A man’s got to draw the line somewhere.”

Where is all this leading? Are we heading towards a society so sharply divided that Trump appointees have to huddle at home and live off delivery pizza, ordered under assumed names so Domino’s workers won’t rub the pepperoni slices on their genitals before applying them to the pies?
 
I can hear some of you already saying “Whomp, whomp.” Others will sigh “I don’t care do U?”
 
Me, I’m just going to finish here by saying “Let them eat gay wedding cake.”
 

We’re going to have a Space Force now, according to Trump. These fighting men and women, despite working for a branch of the service that sounds like the name of a turgid cartoon show targeted at the 12 and under male demographic, are going to protect us in space.
 
Protect us from what? we can hear you say. Space is mostly a vacuum, occasionally interrupted by satellites, bolts that come loose from satellites, the Sweet Meteor of Doom and the phantom planet Niburu. None of these are natural targets for the Space Force.
 
But don’t say the Space Force is stupid yet, or at least as stupid as having a military parade clog up the streets of DC. Enemies lurk in space. Some of them you may have forgotten about. We’re here to refresh your memory.
 
Alien Anal Probers—They’re coming back, and they ain’t bringing any lube. The Space Force will be charged with protecting the rectal integrity of every redneck sleeping off a drunk in the back of a pickup truck all across this great nation. It will be up to the SF to keep these intergalactic proctologists at bay.
 
Ancient Astronauts—Real estate on Earth is a lot pricier than it was six thousand years ago, and we don’t need these guys returning and snatching up huge gobs of it to put up their pyramids or Nazca figures. The Space Force will stand guard over our strip malls and used car lots.
 
Martians of any ilk—Face it, the Martians are probably sore about us sending an array of orbiters and rovers to spy on their planet. They regard us as the Peeping Toms of the solar system, possibly quite rightly, and we need the Space Force to stand between us and them coming to roust us out of the bushes underneath their teenage daughter’s bedroom.
 
Guardians of the Galaxy—Sure, one of them was born here, but if he ever tries to return with the bunch of space aliens he pals around with currently, he’s an alien smuggler, pure and simple. The Space Force Border Patrol will make sure his rocket ship full of brown, green, blue and mauve people doesn’t try and immigrate here.
 
ET—Not at first glance a danger, with his glowing fingertip that heals everything, but think what havoc he could wreak on the American healthcare system, as people line up to get cured without copays, deductibles, or referrals to a specialist. Why not just put him to work for an HMO, you say? Three words—obvious diversity hire.
 
Aliens—These individuals present daunting challenges for even the bravest members of the Space Force. Volunteering for combat against them could easily end up with the volunteer becoming the unwilling repository for their eggs, eventually coughing up a newborn slimy critter in his or her death throes.
 
Think about that before you sign up. The Coast Guard looks better all the time, right?

​Jeff Sessions, the Elf-General of the United States, recently sought to explain the righteousness of separating refugee children from their parents by quoting the Bible. This is the passage he read to a cop convention in Indiana:
 
I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes. Orderly and lawful processes are good in themselves. Consistent and fair application of the law is in itself a good and moral thing, and that protects the weak and protects the lawful.
 
This is nice. The Bible could say the same about the government of North Korea. Reading the Good Book could certainly soothe the feelings of the people that Trump’s new pal Kim Jung Un has starved and shot, and Trump would do well to quote it the next time he wants to smooch the Fat Kid’s ass, although we all know that Trump’s familiarity with the Bible merely consists of his knowing it’s a rectangular object he sometimes has to put his hand on before continuing to lie.
 
But it’s far from the only passage in the Bible that supports child abuse. Kids are regularly killed and tormented in Scripture. Sessions could have easily cited the lines from Exodus where God kills the first born of every Egyptian just for shits and grins. A policy like that would thin out those refugee lines considerably, and it would be perfectly Christian.
 
But that would raise hell with the libtards, so Sessions might find it easier to use the Abrahamic method of just threatening to kill your kid because God wants you to, and even holding a knife over him until an angel appears to you and says “God was just fucking with you, Abe.” The kid in question, Isaac, grew up to be a notable character in the Bible himself, because they didn’t have PTSD back then.  Otherwise he probably would have responded to his near-murder by starting to kill cats and dogs in his youth before growing up to be Ted Bundy BC.
 
So maybe just traumatizing those illegal kids is a bad idea. But don’t tell me Sessions is traumatizing them by tearing them out of their parent’s arms and forcing them to live in tent cities, because in the Bible nearly everybody lives in a tent, sometimes for up to forty years at a time. So, you’ve been wandering in the desert, and now you have to live in a tent? Lucky kid, you are following the path of God’s chosen people! Although we wish you would choose to live somewhere else.
 
The crucial story in the Bible is a deeply disturbing example of child abuse, as God sends his only Kid here to be tortured and killed. We’re not saying we should do that to immigrant children, but maybe we should remind them of that story. Then they might be grateful that their parents are merely going to prison and they are just going to be held captive too, until Mom and Dad have served their time and are released to take them back to Central America to be murdered there. Make them thankful that they are getting a couple tortillas a day instead of getting crucified. Praise be.
 
And let them know that the next time they come north, they are going to find a great, big, beautiful wall blocking their way, because we are tired of their kind coming here and speaking Spanish in our Wal-Marts. Unfortunately, the Bible is not going to help us teach them that lesson—a wall is only prominently mentioned in it once.
 
And that one came tumbling down.

Now that Trump and Un have met, it’s time to pick the winners and losers in the aftermath of the big summit.
 
WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER—Kim Jung Un, baby-faced murderer and nacho-eating champion of the People’s Republic. Got American war games cancelled and got off the International Pariah mug sheet just by showing up and not poisoning anyone.
 
WINNER—Donald Trump. Because he said summit was “historic,” “a great achievement" "the threat of nuclear war is over," and “all the previous Presidents who dealt with North Korea failed because they sucked ass.” The summit was a winner because Trump is a winner. You think you would have got a clue about that by now, sheeple.
 
WINNER—Dennis Rodman. Multi-colored haired NBA has-been breaks into tears on the international stage, because he’s so choked up anyone is paying attention to him again, ignoring Tom Hanks' rule: "There's no crying in nuclear brinkmanship." Like Rudy Giuliani, people were perfectly content to ignore Rodman's existence forever, until fate in the form of Trump made him someone you couldn’t pretend not to see, like a process server at your kid’s birthday party.
 
LOSER (and hater)--Obama. His technique of dealing with a sworn enemy exposed as antiquated forever. Four years of detailed negotiations resulting in an actual, verifiable agreement with a nuclear threat? It is to laugh. He could have followed the Trump model, blown into Tehran his second year in office, proclaimed that the Ayatollah’s butt smelled like a pink Starburst, and declared the nuclear impasse with Iran over.
 
LOSER--Rudy Giuliani. See above. Rodman takes over Rudy's role of washed-up, widely detested freak in the White House.
 
LOSER—CANADA. Kim gets the green light to export dairy products to the US without getting all tariffed. Not expected to affect the North Korean economy right away, as all that nation’s diary herds were eaten for sustenance a couple of famines ago, but when North Korean kimchee-flavored yogurt starts flooding the US market, Canada is going to be mighty sorry they taxed ours.
 
LOSER—Mexico! The biggest loser, due to this phrase in Korean on the communique:
우리는 멕시코가 벽에 값을 치른 다음날 핵을 제거 할 것입니다 LOL, which means “We will denuclearize the day after Mexico pays for the wall (laughing out loud).”
 
This puts a lot of pressure on the Mexicans, because if they don’t cough up for the wall, and thereby admit that brown people need to be separated from white people by an actual physical barrier, they are a threat to world peace. The only thing standing between atomic apocalypse and world nuclear harmony will be Mexico.
 
We might have to declare war on them.

Well, the big summit is this week, and while Trump seems to have prepared for it no more than as if it was a random date from Plenty ‘o Fish, the question of what kind of gift he should present to chubby tyrant Kim Jong Un remains an urgent issue. Heads of state always give each other gifts at summits--Nixon got a panda once, and Obama got a set of ceremonial daggers. What Kim would give to Trump is unknown, but no doubt it will be one of North Korea’s leading exports—a box of dust, some leftover fissile material, or a malnourished infant.
 
Trump has a much broader range of gift options, but his advisors have narrowed it down to ten generous choices, one of which will be selected by the President himself. In no particular order, the candidates are:
 
A New York taxi medallion from Michael Cohen’s collection. Careers change, and many a high-ranking foreign dignitary has ended up driving cab in the Big Apple. Kim won’t have to miss a beat if he has to flee into exile because North Koreans finally tire of him eating most of the nation's food.
 
Honorary degree from Trump University. After accepting this gift, Un will be able to call himself Doctor Dear Respected Comrade Kim Jong Un, Chairman of the Workers' Party of Korea, Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea and Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army. Looks great on letterheads.
 
A beautiful cake. Something for Un to stuff his little chipmunk cheeks with. He'll like that.
 
Ambien. For when the young tyrant can’t fall asleep after killing another set of relatives.
 
ICBM Secrets for Dummies. North Korea has never hit any target smaller than the Pacific Ocean with one of its missiles. A must read for the Axis o’ Evil engineering corps, unless they want to end up in front of a firing squad.
 
Hook-up with Stormy Daniels. Has Un ever slept with a white woman? For just $130,000 of the taxpayer’s money, the answer can be “For sure!”
 
Donald, Jr. Keeps him out of Mueller’s clutches.
 
Nutrisystem. Just sayin.’
 
The severed head of James Comey. Finally, a use for those ceremonial daggers Obama left in the White House kitchen drawer.
 
But the leading gift choice as of this writing is: A souvenir t-shirt reading “I Went to Singapore For a Nobel Peace Prize and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.”
 
They can give it to each other.
 

Trump “disinvites” Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles to White House--News item.
 
When we look back on this moment fifty years from now, if we are not too dead to do so, we may realize that this was the moment the tide of history turned against Trump. True, although he has made many enemies at this point—nearly everyone in the government, a solid majority of the American people and most of the nations of the world outside of North Korea—he had yet to antagonize the most ruthless private interest group in the country—Philadelphia Eagles fans.
 
Now that he has done so, it is only a matter of time before the White House falls. Eagles fans are one of the most warlike tribes in history. If you pitted three hundred Eagles fans against the legendary three hundred Spartans that died defending Thermopylae, the Eagles fans would probably win two times out of three. This would be true even if the Eagles fans were armed only with the squirt bottles of mustard they usually use on their soft pretzels.
 
Trump fears “nasty women.” Eagles fans are nasty women. They are also nasty men, children and household pets. They dress in green clothing with "Eagles" emblazoned on them, from head, where they wear knitted caps that can easily be converted into weapons by doffing them and putting rocks inside, to toe, midnight green boots that they use to kick at the groins of their fallen enemies.
 
Put ten thousand Trump supporters, with their red hats and tough talk about guns and immigrants inside Lincoln Financial Field during an Eagles game and watch all their bravery disintegrate as they face off against the surly mass of green. Now that Trump has insulted the Birds, they wouldn’t last any longer than a group of fools wearing Giants jerseys.
 
Eagles fans aren’t just capable of physical assault. Their wit is legendary as well. Any combination of any variation of the word “fuck,” plus the addition of any subtle modifiers, such as “dumb,” “stupid,” “ass,” “clown,” “dirt” or “in the head,” can be tossed at their bewildered opponents. But the most devastating figure of speech Eagles fans use to crush the spirits of their opponents is a rhetorical question: “ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FUCKIN’ RETARD?” This oratorical device may be employed at will, on any occasion when an Eagles fan feels like criticizing anything about a non-fan, from his choice of socks to his decision to drink a full can of Bud Light instead of hurling it at someone wearing Cowboys gear.
 
Trump was planning to entertain Eagles fans who had traveled to the White House to meet their heroes to an afternoon of the Marine Corps Band playing the Star-Spangled Banner instead. Fortunately for him, no Eagles fans showed up. Only White House interns were on the lawn to watch Trump mangle the lyrics of America's patriotic songbook. That was a lucky break for Trump. Eagles fans are used to hearing the Star-Spangled Banner once. ONCE. After that, the Marines would need to play the team’s fight song, “Fly, Eagles, Fly,” about thirty-six times in a row, because that is the number of times the fans are used to hearing it during a game. If they didn't, Trump would have been better off if  Marines brought a battalion instead of a band.

Trump made this call even though he should have known that nearly every American was at least a nominal Eagles fan for four hours last February, because they were sick of cheaters Bill Belichick and Tom Brady winning Super Bowls. Trump is still a Patriots fan, probably because when you get the Kremlin to help you win the Presidency, deflating a few footballs doesn't look so serious.
 
The mayor of Philadelphia condemned the Trump decision, calling him “a fragile egomaniac,” for his decision to deny the champions their day in the White House sun. But here the feeling is that the Mayor’s criticism fell short of the mark.
 
The guy’s a fuckin’ retard.

Full disclosure--the author is a Philly native.

Female genitalia are back in the news as of last week, since comedian Samantha Bee called First Daughter Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” for posting a picture of herself with one of her kids the same time her dad’s immigration policies were forcibly separating Hispanic kids from their parents when they got caught sneaking into white America.
 
Trump, in his endearing way of advocating unemployment for anybody who attacks him or his relatives, promptly tweeted that ABC should fire Bee, despite him having inviting Ted Nugent, who once called Hillary Clinton a “toxic c*nt,” to the White House.
 
The outraged left promptly called Trump out on his hypocrisy, ignoring several very reasonable explanations for Trump’s behavior. First, it’s possibly that, while Trump may well know the meaning of “toxic,” he may not know what “feckless” means, and people using bigly words sometimes angers him. He may have misunderstood “feckless” as meaning the same thing as “fuckless,” and Trump knows that’s not true, because Ivanka has sex with Jarod, although it is difficult to imagine them having sex like regular people do, rutting away in a hormone-fueled frenzy while streaming some porn in the background. Go ahead, try and imagine it. I’ll wait.
 
Whew! Wasn’t that unpleasant? So, the controversy may have nothing to do with the c-word at all. Plus, nobody can fire Ted Nugent, because the guy doesn’t have a job. 
 
But it’s left people wondering—when should they use “p*ssy” and when should they use “c*nt?” The words can be easily confused. Both are slang for a woman’s vajayjay, and both have an asterisk where a crucial vowel should be. “P*ssy” is part of the Presidential vocabulary, although the feeling here is that “c*nt” is as well, so that doesn’t help.
 
“P*ssy” is the far more user-friendly term. Even women often refer to their pleasure muffins as “my p*ssy,” and hetero guys always call the love cave that—it is not socially acceptable for a man to use the word “vagina,” unless he actually has a medical degree.  The word “vagina” itself is the reason for the widespread use of “p*ssy,” as few people want to bother using a three-syllable Latin word to describe the common coochie.
 
“P*ssy” can also be used as an insult, but in a very specific way, meaning the insultee is being accused of a lack of bravery in any situation, whether it be standing up to the boss or hang-gliding off a cliff. The subject of the epithet must be male—women cannot be accused of being p*ssies.
 
“C*nt,” on the other hand, is almost always used for insult purposes. A woman will never call her sugar tunnel “my c*nt,” and a man better not either, unless he wants to abandon all hope of visiting there.
 
“C*nt” when used to describe a woman means the same thing as calling a man that other most beloved of American denigrations, “asshole.” It means they lack empathy for your or someone else’s problems. It means you shouldn’t post Tweets of yourself embracing your over-privileged white child while brown children are being taken away from their mothers on your father's orders and put in places that I am not sure of. But I’m betting they don’t have swings and ball pits.
 
So Samantha was using the c-word exactly correctly. Ivanka is a “c*nt.”
 
And so, by the way, is her dad.