Paula White. Only her faith in God is keeping her blouse buttoned Paula White, often described as Trump’s spiritual advisor, was in the news the other day for praying that Trump be protected from the “demonic networks” that threaten his Presidency, and she didn’t just mean CNN. She has also claimed that anywhere she stands is “holy ground,” because of the constant radiating of Jesus through her augmented breasts, which has kind of a spiritual bubble-boy effect and also keeps her from ever getting a jaywalking ticket.
Paula preaches the “Prosperity Gospel,” which means that she goes on TV, proclaims the Gospel says that you should send her money and she gets prosperous. She has even "laid hands" on Trump, even though most women say they would rather lay their hands on a freshly removed tumor than on the current President.
From this, it is obvious that Trump gets top-rate spiritual advice. Just being in the presence of Paula means that the frying pan of your soul is constantly being scrubbed clean of sin by the Brillo pad of God’s love. Therefore, it seems puzzling that Trump apparently keeps committing the sin of racism, by implying that non-white people should go back to the shithole countries they came from, and stirring up his followers against them, until one or two of them start driving cars into crowds or making pipe bombs in the garage.
Myself and my crack research team tracked Paula down and asked her a few questions concerning Trump’s spiritual state, to which she was happy to reply:
“President Trump cannot be a racist, because in Heaven, everyone is white, like Jesus and the angels,” she replied crisply. “The first thing people of color realize when they go to Heaven is that they are now white. Naturally, they are extremely thankful about that, not like here on Earth where they constantly bitched about being discriminated against. When they become white, of course, they realize they were the ones discriminating against white people all along, by having rap music and food stamps, and they are ashamed and grateful to whites like they should have been when they were alive.”
So, everyone is transformed into Caucasianess at the start of their eternal bliss?
“Naturally. How could it be Heaven if you were still a person of color? And conversely, if you were white here, how could you enjoy Heaven if you knew that people with accents, clothes and politics you found disturbing on Earth were also there?
Politics? Is everyone in Heaven a Republican?
“There are no politics in Heaven, although the answer to your question is probably yes. When I pray to God, I think of Him as a male, gun-owning American from a Southern or Midwestern state, so He’s a Republican for sure. But He probably lets Democrats who vote for Trump in, especially the ones who avoid the temptation of the accursed Biden, the former Vice Antichrist. But no socialists. Everyone in Heaven is equal and all its glories are shared together. A socialist wouldn’t understand that, so they all go to Hell.”
What about foreigners? Does God admit them?
“Yes, but He probably puts them in special foreign sections, so American saints don’t have to think about how they beat us in the trade wars or spend eternity trying to learn to speak other languages.”
So, each country has its own Heaven? What about those shithole countries?
“Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing as shithole Heaven. That just doesn’t make any sense.”
Paula preaches the “Prosperity Gospel,” which means that she goes on TV, proclaims the Gospel says that you should send her money and she gets prosperous. She has even "laid hands" on Trump, even though most women say they would rather lay their hands on a freshly removed tumor than on the current President.
From this, it is obvious that Trump gets top-rate spiritual advice. Just being in the presence of Paula means that the frying pan of your soul is constantly being scrubbed clean of sin by the Brillo pad of God’s love. Therefore, it seems puzzling that Trump apparently keeps committing the sin of racism, by implying that non-white people should go back to the shithole countries they came from, and stirring up his followers against them, until one or two of them start driving cars into crowds or making pipe bombs in the garage.
Myself and my crack research team tracked Paula down and asked her a few questions concerning Trump’s spiritual state, to which she was happy to reply:
“President Trump cannot be a racist, because in Heaven, everyone is white, like Jesus and the angels,” she replied crisply. “The first thing people of color realize when they go to Heaven is that they are now white. Naturally, they are extremely thankful about that, not like here on Earth where they constantly bitched about being discriminated against. When they become white, of course, they realize they were the ones discriminating against white people all along, by having rap music and food stamps, and they are ashamed and grateful to whites like they should have been when they were alive.”
So, everyone is transformed into Caucasianess at the start of their eternal bliss?
“Naturally. How could it be Heaven if you were still a person of color? And conversely, if you were white here, how could you enjoy Heaven if you knew that people with accents, clothes and politics you found disturbing on Earth were also there?
Politics? Is everyone in Heaven a Republican?
“There are no politics in Heaven, although the answer to your question is probably yes. When I pray to God, I think of Him as a male, gun-owning American from a Southern or Midwestern state, so He’s a Republican for sure. But He probably lets Democrats who vote for Trump in, especially the ones who avoid the temptation of the accursed Biden, the former Vice Antichrist. But no socialists. Everyone in Heaven is equal and all its glories are shared together. A socialist wouldn’t understand that, so they all go to Hell.”
What about foreigners? Does God admit them?
“Yes, but He probably puts them in special foreign sections, so American saints don’t have to think about how they beat us in the trade wars or spend eternity trying to learn to speak other languages.”
So, each country has its own Heaven? What about those shithole countries?
“Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing as shithole Heaven. That just doesn’t make any sense.”
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