richardcahill.net

"VetGhazi" a Gift From God?

5/29/2014

On God's IM list

Dr. Ben Carson, who is this election cycle’s Herman Cain, i.e., a black guy who wants to be nominated for Vice-President, was on FOX news the other night, where they treasure black people willing to bad-mouth the current President and he said that the ongoing VA scandal was “a gift from God,” because it showed the government ought to stay out of health care.

Carson, among others, advocates privatizing the VA system, on the grounds that people who have put their lives on the line for their country should not be denied the same annoying co-pays and gigantic deductibles the rest of us have when it come to health care.

God was unavailable for comment, but fortunately Dr. Reverend Oral Willkie, an expert in His ways, was.

“Certainly,” he replied when I relayed Dr. Carson’s words to him. “A tremendous gift.”

What about the veterans who suffered on those secret waiting lists? Was it a gift to them?

“God doesn’t gift everyone at the same time. Although some of those guys might have appreciated the couple extra months on free Oxycontin, so don’t say God wasn't looking out for them at all. But the main gift was exactly what Dr. Carson said—it was God’s way of showing America that it ought to keep government out of health care. “

How come God doesn’t show other Western nations, all of which have socialized medicine, the error of their ways?

“God doesn’t care about those other nations. God only cares about America, and Israel. Those other nations can have all the doctors they want being paid by their governments to cure any citizen that walks through the door, but that is against the will of God. God wants doctors to profit off of every pimple, and He thinks that poor people going to the same doctors as rich people is just wrong. When the Day of Judgment comes, anybody who ever got socialized medicine will be cast into the fiery pit, where there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and no dental plans to cover it.”

You know Israel has socialized medicine, don’t you?

“I don’t see why that contradicts with anything I’ve said. “

Getting back to the God-gift thing, what you're saying makes it seem like every time there’s human suffering, it could be regarded as a gift from God.

“Now you’re getting rolling, theologically speaking. For example, every time there’s an earthquake that reduces foreign villages to rubble, killing thousands, God intends it as a gift to you, so you can donate five dollars on the Internet as a way of feeling less useless for spending all day on the Internet. It’s also a gift to those in the rubble-repair field. When you get swamped by a tsunami, it’s God’s way of reminding you that you ought to practice treading water. When a volcano blows its top, it’s God’s way of reminding Hollywood that it’s about time for another big-ass volcano movie, so you’ll have something to do some weekend a year from now. Like the Bible says, every cloud has a silver lining.”

Um…does the Bible actually say that?

“Maybe not. But it does say that God is sick of your gotcha questions, so this interview is over.”

The Dr. Reverend then stomped off to a prayer breakfast. I’m not sure he contributed much to our understanding of this latest scandal at all, which has been dubbed “VetGhazi” by the media. It looks like one thing that has happened for sure is that from now on, all scandals will not be referred to as “Something-Gate” but as “Something-Ghazi.”

Talk about a gift from God.

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"Racist" is the New "A-hole" And Other Notes from the News

5/26/2014

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Want to solve the puzzle? Try PO'd!

Gary Kiehne, Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, has boldly claimed that “99% of mass shootings are committed by Democrats.”

Ordinarily this column would not take note of Mr. Kiehne, except perhaps to wish wistfully that his name is pronounced so that it rhymes with “hiney,” but his discovery that insane blood-lust is nearly exclusively linked to membership in the Democratic party promises insight, if not a solution, to America’s epidemic of spree and serial killers.

What evidence Mr. Kiehne has for his claim is being kept by him, but I’m sure it exists, scribbled texts in blood or crayon made by these deranged minds before they went out to commit their dreadful deeds, notes like “Go to mall and kill and kill and kill until the voices in my head command me to stop, but first donate to Nancy Pelosi’s re-election campaign” and checklists like “1. Lock up freezer full of human body parts so that it doesn't spring open accidentally while loading onto U-Haul. 2. Buy fresh bag of lime. 3. Register as Democrat at new address.”

Thanks to Mr. Kiehne, in the future when people talk about the 1%, they will not be talking about the fabulously wealthy-- they will be talking about Republican mass murderers.

We’re grateful to Mr. Kiehne for these insights. While he might not make it to Congress, he has still shown us that no matter how much spell-check hates your name, you can still make a contribution to society.

Speaking of the socially prominent, Pat Sajak, the host of “Wheel of Fortune,” a show watched religiously by the Viagra demographic, tweeted his opinion of believers in global warming, i.e., that they are “unpatriotic racists.”

Most people would agree that Pat, as the only man in America who sells vowels for a living, is qualified to go toe-to-toe with the scientific community and put the kibosh on their annoying theories. The question is why would he go all Cliven Bundy and inject racism into an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with race? It’s easy to explain--it’s because nowadays “racist” is the new "a-hole!” When people cut you off in traffic or dump their garbage over your fence, it is now socially correct, although still logically incoherent, to call them racists if you are bored with conventional epithets.

Republicans are angry with Obama again, this time for declaring the Organ Mountains in New Mexico near the Mexican border a national monument. They think the designation of these mountains as a national treasure is an overreach by the federal government. I don't see this. If you look at a picture of the mountains, you will see that they are pretty steep to consider building condos on, or even drive an ATV over. Republicans are also worried that illegal immigration will be encouraged by the peak's national monument status. Apparently, they believe that illegals are flocking across the border just for the scenery, because there is none in Mexico.

Finally, Florida lawmaker Charles Van Zandt has declared that the Common Core curriculum being promoted by the government in an effort to graduate students who know more than how to stare at their phones all day, even though they will actually probably spend their lives staring at their phones like their parents do now, is actually a plot to make kids gay.

Common Core is mostly controversial because of its math component, which parents think is “stupid.” A similar controversy erupted back in our youth, when something called “New Math” was introduced. It replaced the Old Math, which concerned itself with numbers of the thorniest sort, often crammed together sadistically in a process called “Long Division.” The New Math was much easier—it consisted of thinking about things in “sets” and figuring out whether these sets overlapped or not.

About the same time, the first stirrings of gay self-awareness started manifesting themselves. Could it be that gayness, which was previously sublimated by the agony of long division, began when New Math students started saying to themselves “Hey, I’m in the gay set!”

This guy Van Zandt might be on to something.

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Overthrow of Government Postponed by Showers

5/22/2014

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If you can find me, that is

Retired Army Colonel Harry Riley, the force behind PatriotsforAmerica.com was plotting to overthrow the US government last weekend. He posted his plans on the Internet:

“Field millions, as many as ten million, patriots who will assemble in a peaceful, non-violent, physically unarmed (Spiritually/Constitutionally armed), display of unswerving loyalty to the US Constitution and against the incumbent government leadership, in Washington, D.C., with the mission to bring down the existing leadership…One million or more of the assembled 10 million must be prepared to stay in D.C. as long as it takes to see Obama, Biden, Reid, McConnell, Boehner, Pelosi, and Attorney General Holder removed from office.”

The report from DC:

He (Riley) claimed one million “militia members” committed to the rally but so far only a few have been seen. Some have reportedly split to Bunkerville to support Cliven Bundy’s continuing campaign against the federal government. The Wire

So far crowds have numbered, at most, around 300 to 400 people.

I called Colonel Riley, thinking I’d question him about the shortfall in his operation to force most of Washington’s pols from office. He answered the phone with a surly “Where the hell are you?”

Um…I’m at home.

“You and every other fake patriot out there, bud. Let me tell you, I need you to get on your ATV and ride over every Indian burial ground between your front door and Washington so we can get this revolution started. And bring ten million of your friends, too.”

I was actually calling to get your reaction to the light numbers at the Operation. Do you think you overestimated the appeal of your principles to the average American?

“Bite your tongue, man. The vast majority of Americans want this government overthrown so we can turn this nation back to the days of the first American Revolution, the only really salutatory era in our nation’s history, because armed white rural Americans controlled everything.”

How come nobody showed, then?

“Well, it rained pretty hard Friday. A lot of our guys that prefer to dress up as Revolutionary War musketeers don’t like to get there tri-corner hats wet. Those lids cost money, you know.”

As I recall from the history books, Colonel, the first American Revolution was an all-weather affair. Hats were wetted. I think it’s safe to assume entire outfits were ruined. Not to mention heads blown off in battle and toes frozen off at Valley Forge. You’re saying that your plan to overthrow the government failed because people forgot to bring enough umbrellas?

“That, and I sure wished Cliven Bundy hadn’t picked this weekend to have a hamburger cook-out with free slaw out at his place. I hear it was quite a picnic.”

Ten million people showed up there instead of in DC?

“Well, probably not ten million. The rest of them just went and saw Godzilla, as far as I can tell.”

Still, it has to sting. After all, when Louis Farrakhan, who many people think is as loony as you, announced he was having a Million Man march, nearly a million men showed up.

“Let me tell you something about the Negro. They know how to show up for a march, goddammit.”

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Turd Blossoms

5/19/2014

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Republican strategist Karl Rove has re-entered the political arena in a big way, by implying that presumable Democratic candidate for President Hillary Clinton has brain damage.

“That’s so nasty, and it’s so Karl,” sighed veteran Republican political operative Joe Redstate jealously. “No one can pull off a conscienceless dirty trick like old Turd Blossom. I just don’t know if it’s enough to get him back in the game. I mean, most of us look back in awe to the 2000 election, when he clinched the Republican nomination for Bush by spreading rumors right before the South Carolina primary that McCain had an illegitimate black child. But will a craven, race-baiting falsehood be enough to carry the day in 2016? I mean, how many years will it have been since Rove had a splash like that when the next Presidential election rolls around?

Um, offhand I would guess sixteen, Joe.

That’s right. The world changes in sixteen years, my friend. Nowadays having an illegitimate black child might be no big deal. It might give you street cred. Many black voters were illegitimate black children themselves. Did you know that? That’s the kind of wide-awake demographic analysis we Republicans are bringing to the fight in 2016. That, and the progress we’ve made from using creepy innuendos to win elections to outright blatant lying.”

Well, Karl was pretty well lying, Joe. He said Clinton spent a month in the hospital, when it was actually four days, and she was wearing brain-damage glasses when she came out, and it turns out she always wears glasses.

“I know, and I’m not saying Karl’s not an asset. I mean people hear brain damage, and they start thinking brain tumor, which you would not want your President to have, because they both begin with a B. And Benghazi begins with a B, too. Coincidence? Are you really dumb enough to think so? On the other hand, a lot of voters have brain damage themselves, from lifetimes of booze or amphetamine abuse, or just by getting shot in the head by Dick Cheney, and might view Clinton as one of their own. We have to step carefully. Plus, we've learned what really works. You bet we’re going to be clamoring for Clinton’s birth certificate.”

You’re not going to claim she was born in Kenya, are you?

“Don’t be stupid. She’s white. We’re thinking maybe the former Soviet Union. And she spent years working for a community activist from Chicago.”

Why do community activists bug Republicans so much, Joe?

“They sow divisions among the American people by pointing out that rich people have more than poor people, instead of telling the truth, which is that rich Americans are just Americans like everybody else, except that they need to pay less taxes so they can create more jobs for poor Americans by buying sports teams and cable networks poor Americans that can play football or sing can work for.”

What about poor Americans that have no musical or athletic talent?

“We don’t care for them. That doesn't make us racists, though. There’s more, though, as far as Clinton’s concerned. She’s a lesbian—everybody knows that. Every time we see a picture of her with another woman, we’re ready to start rumors of romance.”

Gay is getting more tolerated every day according to the polls, Joe. What if by 2016 nobody cares?

“Well, we’re certainly optimistic that people’s views aren’t going to evolve so fast, pal. But if they do, we’re ready with a counter-strike. Clinton’s White House was already known for a little oral servicing on the down low. We’re thinking they were having full-on orgies. Most voters hate orgies because they never get to go to any. If we really start slipping in the polls, we've got some sources that say Hillary still organizes bisexual sex-fests with Lewinsky, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and, just in case he tries to ruin the Republican primaries again, Newt Gingrich and his latest hot wife. What do you think?

I think you’d better start planning for 2020, Joe. No one would ever invite Harry Reid to an orgy.

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It's Space Garbage Collection Time!

5/15/2014

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Let's get some boosters on this baby!

A Congressional select committee recently held a hearing on the problem of space junk, at which various experts testified that it is a real problem and that a scenario like the one in the movie "Gravity" might well happen in real space. I am not talking about George Clooney turning his back on the several billion women who want him that he has not yet had sex with and sacrificing his life to save complete space wuss Sandra Bullock, and I am not talking about Sandra Bullock floating around in a space capsule in her underwear, although if you want my critical opinion that was the best part of the movie.

No, I am talking about space being so thick with leftover satellite bits you can barely go a single orbit without getting holed by some random space crap.

Ordinarily, I'm as ready to panic as anybody over any doomsday scenario proposed by scientists and trumpeted by the media, from super volcanoes to a fresh ice age to getting whomped by a comet that started eyeballing us from the Oort Cloud the day after Moses was born, but I'm not going to start hyperventilating over this one yet.

The experts warned that there were now over 500,000 pieces of space junk orbiting our planet courtesy of mankind, mostly nuts, bolts and flecks of paint, mixed in with the very occasional astronaut diaper.

Now, 500,000 pieces of space junk sounds like a lot, but if humanity had only ever produced 500,000 pieces of junk in its history and spread it around on Earth, you probably couldn't find any of it if you dedicated your life to the search. And space is bigger than Earth. Unimaginably bigger. True, most of our space junk is scrabbling around in the immediate neighborhood of our planet like bugs on a mattress, but still, let's not have a heart attack over it. There are almost 500,000 pieces of man made junk in my garage, from the looks of it. I know they are not orbiting around at 17,500 miles an hour, but I can't seem to get it organized anyway. There are 500,000 cars on the Santa Monica Freeway at any given time. Some of them collide, but the majority of them don't, despite most of their drivers being busy texting and eating sushi. In space terms 500,000 is not that big of a number, but these experts are still trying to guilt us into cleaning it up.

I'm not going there. Anybody can screw up the immediate planet. I could spend my days tossing six-pack rings off the pier, for example, or squashing lizards with my quad-runner. But I can't mess up space. It's too hard to get there. You need to be a modern nation with a budget deficit big enough so that if you spend a few billion spewing crap all over the universe like a sloppy picnicker none of your citizens will notice it and complain, if you even let your citizens complain.

That's not me. The second problem is that you can't get rid of space junk just by blowing it up. That creates more, if somewhat smaller, pieces of space junk. If you can't get rid of a problem by blowing it up most people, especially men, are just not that interested in solving it. Compare a problem you can't solve by just blowing it up (your favorite baseball team's bullpen being a collection of rag-arms) to one you can (North Korea) to any group of guys at a sports bar and you'll see which one generates a unanimous opinion first.

So don't be telling me we need to build a fleet of huge spaceships, paint "WM" on their sides and blast them into orbit to pick things up. We've only been shooting stuff into space for sixty years or so. It would be like getting worried about global warming five minutes after the discovery of fire. Let's get space good and overpopulated first, until we're all living in orbit and patching up holes in our space colonies gets to be a drag on the galactic budget. Then we'll build those space trash trucks. And when they start running, the good part will be that just as no one can hear you scream in space, no one with a hangover will have to listen to their empty beer bottles being uploaded at 6:30 in the morning by the space recyclers.

That'll be nice.

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God Is Not Listening And Neither Am I

5/12/2014

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Tuning you out

The Supreme Court has ruled that towns are allowed to start town meetings with a prayer, even if that prayer is consistently, predominately Christian in nature.

Unlike many non-Christian, non-religious people I am not particularly upset about this, because there is no part of a town meeting that is more widely ignored than the prayer with which it starts. Whatever agenda of potentially heart-stopping boredom the rest of the meeting is going to concern itself with—more school crossing guards, widening the sewers, listening to some crazy old person who wants her neighbor’s poultry farm enclosed by a dome of soundproof glass—it is all more interesting than being prayed over by some rumbling authority figure asking the Lord to pay attention to small-town political squabbling. Somewhere, if He has the good grace to exist, the Lord is thinking “Not,” and going back to overhauling the galaxies.

I don’t mean to brag here, but only God can ignore prayers better than I can. I credit my uncanny ability to ignore other people praying to my sturdy Catholic upbringing. Listening to other people pray while thinking about almost anything besides God is the Catholic way. They even used to have Masses in Latin to facilitate this. There’s nothing like hearing someone drone on in a dead language to enable you to free your mind from all thoughts of sin, eternity and your immortal soul in favor of constantly looking at your watch and wondering whether the weather is going to clear up enough for you to golf or fish later on. Then they switched the Mass to a language people actually understood, but it was still pretty easy to lose track of, especially if you were a young man deep in the throes of puberty and were surrounded by great-looking Catholic moms in tight dresses.

Of course, even thinking about sex is a sin in the Catholic tradition—you’re not even supposed to think about it when you’re having it, if I remember doctrine correctly-- and thinking about it during Mass is even worse. When I last attended church on a regular basis, for family reasons, about ten years ago, I realized I would actually be sinning less if I stayed at home watching football. That’s not why I quit going again—sinning less has never been one of my priorities—but I did realize that most of my praying occurred after I spotted some Catholic lass I knew as a maiden long ago and said reverently to myself Jesus, didn’t she grow up to be a honey!

This feeling of tranquil light horniness was only interrupted by the Sign of Peace, which is when all the other Catholics around you clutch for your hand and mumble something about peace, as if peace could be achieved by grabbing at strangers in the next pew, people whom you hardly know, let alone fight with. I always pulled a Kleenex out of my pocket when this action started and pretended to have the flu. Otherwise I just waited it out, until the blessed moment when the Mass was over.

So I’m well-equipped to withstand the barrage of prayers the Supreme Court has let loose upon the land. All of we unbelievers, pagans and infidels are—we’re used to it. And let’s not haul in a bunch of Wiccans or Zoroastrians to bless us in the interests of spiritual equality. Christianity is the religion we’re accustomed to ignoring—let’s keep it that way.

Direct all the prayers you want at me. I won’t even notice, just as I suspect He won’t, either. It’s the only chance I have to enjoy being God-like. I’m not Kanye West, for Christ’s sake.

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It's White House Time for Lesbians

5/8/2014

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Not having sex with women, but knows who is

Noted pundit Glenn Beck has been quoted as predicting that Hillary Clinton will be "having sex with a woman in the White House if it becomes popular."

Apparently, Mr. Beck is not aware that sex with women is already popular. This column recommends that he quit reading the Constitution and fondling his replica muskets all night and try it. He'll see why it's caught on so; sex between opposite-gendered creatures is probably the most sought-after animal activity on the planet after inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. Sex with women is what most men hope and dream and pray for constantly if they are not actually having it, from the first tender stirrings of their hormones around the age of six or so until their arteries seize up while they are surreptitiously downloading porn on the iPad the nursing home gave them so they could play solitaire. We live our entire lives consumed by lust for females. So when we hear that some woman wants to have sex with another woman, we shrug our shoulders and say "Who can blame her for that?"

The answer is obvious—Glenn Beck. He is warning us against a future where the American President is regularly enjoying some all-girl grinding in the Oval Office, maybe right on top of her desk, scattering copies of vital treaties or maybe just executive orders for FEMA to imprison us all as she approaches ecstasy. He's thinking that this will lead to the death of our republic. While he's thinking that, he's probably also thinking about polishing his bayonet, if you know what I mean. Guys are like that.

Speaking of guys, while researching Glenn's lesbian dilemma, I spotted another headline that proclaimed that 93% of straight men admit to cuddling with another straight man in bed. This number seemed a tad large to me, not that I'm going to throw it open for discussion the next time I'm hanging around with a bunch of other straight guys at a sports bar or a VFW post or a charter fishing trip where we have gathered to drink and lie about the number of women who want to have sex with us. We know that our cave ancestors used to cuddle together, men, women and children alike, along with our dogs, sheep and goats, for warmth, because we were having a nice Ice Age at the time, but then we discovered fire. And. later on, blankets. The option of sleeping alone was open to the unattached straight male, and I thought most of us were taking advantage of it until this research was made public.

Turns out this study only surveyed college-age male athletes in Britain. Being neither college age, athletic or British, this is a trend I can safely ignore. Good thing, because the bed is crowded enough as it is. There's barely room for me already. My girl sleeps like a starfish and the Chihuahua is seven pounds of unmoving stone that I stub my toe on every time I try and stretch out.

The final survey the page linked to was one that insisted that large-hipped women were more likely to be promiscuous than their narrow-hipped sisters. The study claimed that broader women were subconsciously aware that child-bearing was less dangerous for them, so were more likely to freely give themselves over to casual affairs and random hookups, knowing that if they got pregnant as a result, birthing their love-children was less likely to injure them.

The problem with this theory is that I am not sure the subconscious is a real thing. I've only noticed two mental states in my own brain--conscious and un. The subconscious is something you can choose optimistically to believe in, like reincarnation or a batting instructor that could teach the San Diego Padres to hit a baseball out of the infield, but that doesn't mean it really exists. But if it does, you can figure one thing out right away.

Glenn Beck might be right about Hillary.

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Hog Wild for Washington

5/5/2014

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She ain't debating. She's castrating.

Iowa Senatorial candidate Joni Ernst released her first campaign ad the other day. The ad begins with Joni saying "I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm." – News item.

Now, if this column is known for anything, it's for its relentless fact-checking. Upon noting the above item in our 24-7 news feed, we promptly placed a call to Joe Redstate, our source for all things GOP and all things Iowa as well. Joe was already focused on the Ernst candidacy.

"We're proud of this girl. When she says she grew up castrating hogs, she means it. When she was only seven or so, she would spend all day castrating hogs. That's dirty, thankless work. The hogs themselves are particularly thankless. When she ran out of hogs to castrate, she would just keep on castrating—goats, rabbits, the occasional passerby. All with the US Senate in mind."

What about things that other kids with big ambitions do? Run for student council? Study hard and get good grades? Think about the world's problems and how to solve them?

"Yeah, you could do that. Or you could just stick to what you're good at. Castrating. Not that little Joni didn't have her setbacks. One time, some joker told her she could castrate chickens. She spent the better part of an afternoon trying to figure out how. It wasn't until the cows came home that the guy told her he had just been kidding. Well, she took the ribbing good-naturedly. Of course, the guy did end up castrated."

Naturally. If her candidacy is successful, how do you see Ernst's role in the Senate?

"A problem solver. Big time. There's no problem Joni Ernst can't grab, turn on its back, spread its desperately kicking little legs and cut the testicles off of. And if some senior Senators try to get in her way, well, cover your musty old gonads is my advice for them. A new blade castrates clean."

Never heard that old saw before, Joe.

"It's an Iowa saying. You'll hear a lot more like it once Joni Ernst is standing on the floor of the Senate."

Are you sure this woman is the right choice? A lot of people think the Senate lacks cajones as it is. Nobody calls it the world's greatest deliberating body anymore.

"Once Joni takes the oath, it'll be the world's greatest deliberating and castrating body, pal. It's the dawn of a new era."

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Naked and Afraid, but with Pina Coladas

5/1/2014

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The US government haspulled back on its approval of "palcohol," which, despite the name implying that it is an exceptionally user-friendly booze variety meant to share with your closest drunk friends, actually stands for "powdered alcohol." This spectacular scientific advance means that not only will America's alcohol abusers be able to cure their hangovers with a little "plop, plop, fizz, fizz" but will also be able to start them in the same way, provided the feds eventually permit it.

The inventor of palcohol, an inveterate hiker and camper, envisioned the powdered cocktail as a way to port in a refreshing adult beverage to be enjoyed at the end of a long hike, without the necessity of carrying heavy bottles of liquor and mixers, not to mention shakers and spoons. You just cram a packet, or eleven, of palcohol in your pocket on your way to the top of the mountain, wander around until you find a clear mountain stream, purify its water chemically or by boiling it, mix your drink in one of those annoying collapsible camping cups and then start wondering where the hell the nearest ice machine is located. If there aren't enough bears and snakes in the area already, you can pack in enough cocktails that you'll soon be seeing them in abundance.

I can personally vouch that climbing a mountain will make a person thirsty, which is why whenever I do it, I enjoy the view and the feel of that thin, pristine, glorious mountain air on my face for about five minutes and then hike straight back down to the nearest package store. Palcohol will not change this, I'm afraid—my party beverage of choice is beer, and powdered beer, or "pbeer," is still a long way from being perfected, owing to its immense pronounceability problems.

The promoters of Palcohol insist that the their derailment from the government approval track is only temporary, the result of labeling difficulties, but I suspect there's a "Holy crap—wait a minute" factor involved from government regulators. For one thing, although Palcohol advocates insist piously that their product be used responsibly, like every other booze industry giant does, the average American substance abuser is probably already slavering at the chance to snort his or her next shot. Since the dawn of the cocaine era, Americans have proven that they will put anything up their noses, especially if they think it might be cocaine. If we make Palcohol legal, a significant subset of the population will be walking around with crumbs of banana daiquiri in their mustaches and every Franklin in the land will not only bear traces of coke, but also of Mai Tais.

Also, people will take advantage of the concealability of Palcohol to smuggle their drinks into stadiums and on airplanes, cutting sharply into the profitability of the sports and airline industries, which rely on people consuming plenty of their twelve-dollar cocktails to dull the pain of their teams always losing and their flights always being late.

These are the kinds of issues that have the government grumbling, I suspect, but the United States is the home of freedom, especially freedom to sell stuff, especially if you can afford to purchase a Congressman or two to put the screws on those pesky regulators. I sure hope Palcohol has that kind of money, because I, along with many other Americans, I'm sure, am personally interested in the answer to one question concerning powdered liquor—how many packets will dissolve in a 44-ounce soda?