Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

From hate to incompetence to potential treason, personal vendetta and back again, the Frito-Faced Felon whipsawed the nation through four years of what-for-God’s-sake is he going to do/say/be accused of next? Then he lost his bid for re-election and has been lying about it ceaselessly ever since.
 
It is apparent, by most polls, that nearly a majority of Americans miss those days.
 
Biden just journeyed to France, where he paid tribute to the fallen of D-Day. He used words like sacrifice, honor and courage--things that a President is expected to say—and reminded America of the debt we owe those heroes.
 
Of course, that’s boring. We don’t like thinking about that, so we do for maybe three seconds and then go back to bitching about the price of cheeseburgers.
 
When Trump went to Normandy during his years in office, his behavior was much more entertaining. He called the war dead “suckers and losers,” in front of his Chief of Staff. He told the President of France that his wife had a great ass. He refused to go to one ceremony because it was raining and he was afraid it would fuck up his hair.
 
Biden doesn’t worry about his hair being fucked-up. He’s 81. All 81-year-olds have fucked up hair. That’s reality. A lot of us don’t approve of reality. We want a reality show. So, we’re thinking we want Trump back, because Biden is just a regular President, like all the Presidents before Trump. He doesn’t pick public fights with celebrities. He releases his tax returns. His relatives don’t work in the White House. He doesn’t award the seal of Presidential approval to Nazis, racists, the Proud Oafs, or blithering tin-hatters on the Internet. He doesn’t make fun of Rosie O’Donnell’s weight or mock people with birth defects. He doesn’t have a mail-order bride that obviously loathes him. Biden’s wife can only say “500 dollars, you pay now,” in one, or maybe two languages, tops, instead of six.
 
Where’s the fun in that?
 
Whereas, if the Cantaloupe Convict gets back in the Oval, it’s all hell breaking loose the minute he finishes lying about protecting the Constitution with his hand on one of his own sixty-buck Bibles. Ordering Ex-President’s Biden’s Secret Service detail to arrest him? Making Alex Jones Secretary of State? Replacing the Joint Chiefs of Staff with the guys that run the WWE Smackdown? Forbidding Door Dash to deliver to Chris Christie?
 
The Mango Miscreant may do all this, or just mutter about doing it, and that will just be in the first week of his zombie Presidency. Either way is fine. It’ll be just like watching a fail compilation on YouTube, except they don’t last four years.
 
All because Biden is boring. Poor Sleepy Joe.  He’s wide awake.  He just makes us yawn.

* Sorry about that asterisk...FB's been a little weird to me lately

One of the tales told by Katie Britt during her rebuttal to the State of the Union was a particularly grisly one—a young woman being sex-trafficked in Texas, where she was raped every day by a parade of sex-trafficking rapists.
 
How this poor victim got some time off from being raped to have a little chat with a US Senator about her predicament was not made clear in the story. What was made clear was that the raping was entirely the fault of Joe Biden.
 
Immediately, the leftists started chirping about how the Senator from a Kitchen in Alabama has sworn fealty to a guy who has been found legally liable for one rape, and been accused of sexual assault by at least twenty other women, so shouldn’t the Senate’s top homemaker be opposed to him as well, instead of having her moist lips pressed to his pale hiney?
 
A top Republican spokesman was willing to comment anonymously. “You obviously don’t know the difference between Democratic and Republican rape. Democratic rapes are performed by filthy immigrants, who are automatically allowed into this country by Biden if they just tell the Border Patrol they’re here for the raping. Then they find a cheap motel, where the mattresses are dirty enough to rape on. They paw at their victims with brown hands callused by working in the fentanyl mines. All the time they are grunting dirty words in Spanish. They use English only when a US Senator pops by to aske a few questions. After the rape, the victim is forced to have their baby, because they are in Texas.
 
“A Republican rape is completely different. Not that every Republican rapist has the same style—some Republicans get tongue-tied in the presence of women they want to rape. Those guys are masters of the roofie arts. But other Republicans aren’t so shy. They don’t babble in Spanish. They speak clear, precise English when they say endearing things to their victims, things like, “My God, you’ve got big boobs for a fourteen-year-old.”
 
“And to speak the language of commerce, the important thing for Republicans when they rape is location, location, location. A Republican doesn’t rape in a smelly little hotel room that doesn't even have HBO. He rapes in a bright, clean, spacious department store dressing room. He paws at his victim with clean, recently manicured hands. It’s completely different than being penetrated by filthy, bitten-down Mexican fingernails. This department store is in New York, so if the woman, who obviously was dressed so that anybody could see she was begging for sex, can get a quick and easy legal abortion and keep her mouth shut about it forever afterwards, so her rapist can ascend to the highest office in the land without being bothered by a lot of ugly rumors and expensive lawsuits. It doesn’t always work out that way, of course, but it should.
 
“That’s why the women of America prefer to be raped by Republicans instead of migrants, so, when we win the election and close the border, they’ll get exactly what they want.”

Global pop sensation Taylor Swift promises to destroy football and democracy in Las Vegas at the Super Bowl.
 
“Football will be easy to ruin,” Swift claims. “Wait until they see an attractive, leggy woman, who is me, jumping around excitedly at the Super Bowl. Football has never been associated with women with great bodies performing acrobatics and acting like they are excited, so when I do it, men will never want to watch the sport again. I’ve been told that on Twitter, so I have to believe it.
 
“Also, I’m going to fuck my boyfriend, who is a football player, afterwards. Getting sex just because they are football players is something that would humiliate most men, so I expect the popularity of the sport to nosedive afterwards, when I reveal that I just have sex with my guy because he looks good in tight pants and smells like a community whirlpool bath after the game.
 
“Destroying democracy will take more than a day, maybe, but I plan to give it a massive shove towards the precipice in Vegas by endorsing all the Democrats in front of my legion of fans and urging them to vote this year. As I understand it, from watching Fox and Newsmax, democracy only continues in the USA if Republicans win elections. When the GOP emerges on top that is when the American way wins out, as envisioned by the Founding Fathers, those musket-waving dudes who made our nation. But it’s not democracy when Democrats get more votes than Republicans. It’s Communism, Marxism, or socialism. Us billionaires love all three. I learned that from my Jewish godfather, George Soros, so when I appear at the Supe, I’ll be shaking democracy off like an old boyfriend.
 
“What will replace football? Not my problem. Kids who want to play jai-alai or quoits instead, go right ahead. Maybe one of those games where the players cut off the heads of domestic animals and kick them around the pasture while wearing turbans, if we can get enough immigrants from those countries. What will replace democracy? Well, there will be a lot of football players out of work, so I think the Kansas City Chiefs should rule the nation, with Andy Reid being the First Coach of the USA. Hey, he’s got the moustache for it. Anyone not wearing a bright red ‘We’re Number One’ foam finger will be deported.”

While rambling across the Net last week, I discovered the that the term "beige flag" is being used on today's dating scene. For those of you who have not dated since Al Gore invented the Internet, the term "red flag" is used to indicate a person it would be extremely unwise to continue dating, like a person wearing an ankle monitor or someone asking for money for drugs or an abortion on a first date.

A "green flag" means you should push the throttle up full on the prospective relationship. Green flags are things like your date having a reserved parking spot at his/her job, or owning a detached home at the age of 29.

The beige flag means that the prospect is okay, but they do have quirks. A good example would be a guy who only wears football jerseys of his favorite team at all times, or a woman who won't let you in your own dwelling before you take off your shoes.

What struck me is how easily the flag system can be applied to America's politicians. Trump is the King of Red Flags, 91 of them legal. It's really tough to put a number on the rest, but 30,000 is a nice round one. That's roughly the number of lies the Washington Post says he told while in the White House.

Joe Biden is mostly a beige flag kind of guy. He's way older than you, and he repeats himself sometimes. He's got a troubled kid and his dog bites people. Still, you could see yourself voting for him.

Ron "Meatball" DeSantis waves two colors of flags. On the red side, he likes to crush people and mice, at least of the Mickey variety. On the beige side, he keeps claiming he's going to get a big promotion soon, but he seems stuck in his current job to you, and the way his wife looks at him, you suspect him of being a Stepford Husband. And he doesn't know how to wear boots or laugh convincingly.

Robert Kennedy, Jr. is a parade of red flags. He won't even let his dog get a rabies shot, for fuck's sake.

Tim Scott claims he has a secret girlfriend. Red flag. If the man is not honest enough to admit he's gay, the Oval Office is no place for him. 

Nikki Haley changed her name so the hard-voting yick-a-doos of South Carolina would think she was white. Red flag or beige? The primaries will decide.

Mike Pence is a mass of beige. He won't eat dinner with a woman other than his wife, and he attracts flies. He wears his piety at all times like it was a Hoodie from Above, which gags a bit. He did choose to save the country when he had the choice, though, so if you want to make sure rapists and incesters  get their babies birthed too, instead of being aborted, you might consider voting for him.

Plenty of pols not currently running for the White House can be analyzed using the flag system as well. Some of the more prominent red-flagged ones include Lauren Boebert, who has never seen a bump in a pair of britches she was unwilling to rub, and Matt Gaetz, who brags about using Viagra so he can pump as many of his political groupies as are willing to lay down for him in a single night. Does he have a beige flag as well? Sure, that haircut.

And Gavin Newsome? Is he too handsome to be President? Or too handsome not to be?

The thinking here is that we'll find that out in 2028.

The Tangerine Drama Queen, while attacking the mental acuity of his prospective opponent in 2024, current prez Joe Biden, claimed that if Biden was to be re-elected, he’d be too much of a farting old drooler to prevent World War II.
 
As most of you are aware, nobody prevented World War II, which ended just a couple years before Trump was born, just as nobody prevented World War I, which started after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria.
 
You ever want to see a blank look on Trump’s face, ask him who Archduke Ferdinand was.
 
Trump went on to claim that he’d beaten Barack Obama in 2016 and threatened to execute his former head of the Pentagon, Mark Milley. He also threatened to prosecute NBC for criticizing his makeup. Then he continued to complain about Joe Biden’s limited grasp of reality.
 
It’s true that Joe misspeaks occasionally. Republicans jump on every verbal error as proof that Biden is a slack-jawed senescent, and would endanger the US by being a geriatric vegetable rooted in the most powerful office in the land. Then, they say he is a clever crook, a mastermind capable of sucking bribe money out of Eastern Europe through a thousand devious shell companies, aided only by his coke fiend son, Hunter.
 
You say, “Probably they should make up their minds,” but don’t count on it happening. We have other politicians who are doddering towards the exit while still juggling the problems of the world, as this New Yorker cover illustrates. Besides Trump and Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell are depicted. It’s lucky for the New Yorker that they left off Diane Feinstein, who actually was clearly down to her last few neurons and died very recently, long after the art had been drawn and the cover decided for that issue.
 
Yes, they dodged a bullet there. Mitch McConnell belongs there, having recently developed an unfortunate habit of, besides resembling an amphibian, of standing there, blinking and silent, like a frog that’s just sucked down a fly, while being questioned in the corridors of the Capitol. I don’t know about Nancy—besides seeming to have all her marbles, she is no longer Speaker of the House, but a mere Representative, although an honored one. If her brain cells start to atrophy, well, she’s just another nutty Congressperson, like Lauren Boebert, Handjob Queen of Colorado, or Marjorie “Gazpacho” Greene. The nation’s had many of them. We’ll survive.
 
Besides, how are the “young” politicians faring? Bob Menendez, 69, Senator from New Jersey, despite a previous criminal trial, was indicted again because he can’t keep his hands out of the cookie jar. James Comer, 51, is leading an impeachment inquiry into Biden, despite the fact that there is more solid evidence that the craters of the Moon are filled with candy corn than there is of Biden’s committing high crimes and misdemeanors.
 
Kevin McCarthy, 58 and Matt Gaetz, 41, are locked in a battle for command of the House of Representatives, despite both being Republicans. McCarthy is mentally suspect for wanting the Speaker job in the first place, and Gaetz would be on trial for sex trafficking if the testimony against him wasn’t being offered by an even seedier teen girl groper than he is.
 
It’s not the age of the politicians. It’s just that they’re politicians. Vote if you can, but afterwards, just pop some corn and enjoy the show.

Numerous Republican sources have reported that Joe Biden waited to knock the Chinese spy balloon out of the sky over the ocean because it was carrying another one of his son Hunter’s laptops, a laptop he had accidentally left at a repair shop in China while he was funneling funds to his father from the CCP.
 
None of these sources were willing to be publicly identified, but they were said to fall along the MGT—Matt Gaetz—Tucker Carlson wing of the party.
 
“Biden couldn’t risk downing the balloon over dry land and having the pulverized pieces of Hunter’s latest laptop put together by the New York Post,” hissed the Gateway Pundit.
 
To even hear even regular Republicans talk about it, he might as well have sent the spycraft a bouquet when he ordered a missile through its envelope.
 
Brave Tom Cotton said to FOX, “What began as a spy balloon has become a trial balloon testing President Biden’s strength and resolve, and unfortunately, the president failed that test. Of course, if he had downed it over Arkansas and crushed so much as a single meth lab, I’d be singing an entirely different tune.”
 
“This is all about China testing the American resolve,” Chris Sununu, who is coincidentally sometimes referred to as the New Hampshire Gasbag, said on "This Week" on ABC. “They know that tensions are escalating, and they want to see what kind of leadership we have. The president clearly failed on this one,” he added. “I just wish it could have been downed over my state. My constituents don’t mind being covered in radioactive soft noodles for the sake of national security.”
 
But, let’s face it--if Joe had climbed into a fighter jet himself, Independence Day style, and shot the spy balloon out of the sky fearlessly while it tried to slather him in death rays, Republicans would not be happy about his actions. They are annoyed because he followed expert advice (the Pentagon’s). This is not the Republican way, as exemplified by their treatment of the Center for Disease Control during the pandemic. The advice of people who think about certain problems and how to solve them full-time is to be cast aside in favor of the opinions of reality TV stars and country-western singers when it comes to a national crisis. People standing in their yards and emptying their AR-15’s uselessly at the sky are the real Americans, not our woke military and its billions of dollars’ worth of air-to-air-missiles, of which exactly one was used to pluck the spy balloon out of the heavens.
 
Apparently, Biden wanted to pop that sucker right away, but was counseled not to shoot it down over land, even when it was over Montana, where it would only possibly have killed a few a few sheep and survivalists when it fell. Or so he says. The haunting possibility that the President dunked the balloon deliberately in the drink in a calculated attempt to cover up the crimes, and possibly more naked pics, of himself and his kid renders this accomplished act of American self-defense in a sordid light.
 
The Republicans, ever paragons of forthrightness, would have shot it down over Atlanta, just for the sake of suppressing the black vote, I suspect, along with preserving the proof of Biden chicanery that the Chinese were so helpfully trying to ship them.
 
But we’ll never know for sure, now that the hard drive full of Biden crimes is melting hopelessly into the dead sargasso off the Carolina coast.
 
Next time, Xi, just use DoorDash.

Republicans are psyched big-time for the fall elections, in which they plan to re-take Congress. Uncle Joe’s popularity is in the shitcan. They plan on running against the border crisis, LGBTQ-ism, and inflation.
 
Of course, they won’t solve either of the first two problems. Biden will still control the border, no matter how big the GOP wins by, and LGBTQ’s are not really a problem, especially if you wouldn’t know one unless she is Caitlyn Jenner appearing on Fox News. So that leaves inflation. I dialed up an old friend of mine, Joe Redstate, a veteran Republican operative, and asked him how the Republicans were going to fight inflation.
 
“Inflation is the most hideous problem of our time,” he said loudly, “and it’s all Biden’s fault.”
 
Couldn’t agree with you more, Joe, but how are you Republicans going to tackle it?
 
“Biden’s hideous incompetence is so visible now that he’s President, which shouldn’t have happened anyway. I mean, it was so obvious in 2020 that a horny reality TV star who’d already suggested curing the pandemic by injecting bleach into your veins was going to be a better President than somebody who’d been in politics for 50 years and had already been a Senator and a Vice President. But the Chinese and Dominion Voting picked Biden. And now we have six-buck a gallon gas, because that’s what Biden planned all along. Or Harris, if Biden is as senile as Sean Hannity says he is. Or Nancy Pelosi.
 
Absolutely certain you’re correct, Joe. Just tell me, what are Republicans going to do about inflation?
 
“Tackle it head-on, natch. I mean, Republicans are already offering voters many policies that won’t increase inflation. You can worry about the invasion at our southern border for no extra cost, even if you live in Wisconsin and should be worrying about Canadians crossing illegally to shoot our moose. Every filthy, crumpled peso note those migrants smuggle across increases the inflationary burden.

"It costs almost nothing to keep critical race theory out of grade schools, because it’s not there in the first place. There are gay kids in grade schools, but not allowing anybody to talk about them lowers the Consumer Price Index."

I'm pretty sure it doesn't, Joe.

"I'm pretty sure it does, because Republicans say it does. If you want to be argumentative about it, though, consider that it's only a small part of the multi-pronged effort Republicans will mount against inflation once you elect us. Remind yourself that It’s absolutely free to think that white people are seriously disadvantaged compare to blacks, Hispanics and refugees. Does it cost anything to sit at home with your blood boiling over wokeness? It doesn't cost a dime to make sure your kid grows up to be a surly redneck just like you are. And you don’t have to go any further than the laundromat to see some refugee washing the clothes that were the only thing he was able to escape to this country with, and to sneakily open the dryer door when he’s not looking, so it costs him extra quarters to dry his load, which serves him right for coming here in the first place.”
 
Those are some heady talking points, Joe, but I don’t see them lowering gas prices.
 
“We lower gas prices just by electing Republicans! Didn’t I say that already?”
 
You did, Joe, but what’s the actual mechanism that causes gas prices to fall once Republicans take over?
 
“Us not being Democrats. Do you have long covid or something, pal? Maybe you’re hard of hearing. When Republicans take over, everything we blame on Democrats goes away. Otherwise, why have an election?”
 
But what if the GOP wins Congress and there’s still inflation?
 
“Barely possible, considering every Republican running for office knows how to stop inflation cold. On the slim possibility that Republican economic know-how doesn’t stop inflation, though, just look at a calendar, bud. Biden’s going to be President until 2024. It’s still going to be his fault.”

Uncle Joe is mired in the depths of unpopularity nowadays, which puzzles people with long memories and Democrats, because he seems to behave like a regular President. When there is a problem, he attempts to fix it, like opening up the Strategic Oil Reserve when there is raging inflation, and arming Ukraine when Russia invades it.
 
Here’s a link to a thoughtful article about why Presidents are doomed to be unpopular in this century, but if you don’t feel like thinking, here’s what I think:
 
Presidents are naturally unpopular nowadays, because Fox viewers are indoctrinated to hate all Democratic Presidents and everybody else hates all Republican ones.
 
With that in mind, what can Biden do to break his losing streak in the polls? Not by working hard behind the scenes, dealing with fiendishly difficult problems and not complaining about it. He should follow the example of the Former Guy. Not in the matter of solving problems, because it’s okay to have a President who tries to solve problems instead of pretending they don’t exist, but reminding people they have a President by Tweeting insults a couple times a day, like Trump did.
 
People actually miss that about Trump, even people that hate him more than they hate paying six bucks a gallon for gas. You knew you had a President with Trump, even though you had one that was self-absorbed as a sponge in a bucket of barn slop and couldn’t spell anything over five letters long. But you knew he was there.
 
For example, when Madison Cawthorn starts chirping about impeaching him, Biden should call him a @FascistCross-DressingCripple. When Republican Senators tramp down to the border to whine about perfectly legal asylum seekers, he can refer to them as “Showboating Scumbags Courting the Votes of Revolting Racists.” Trump has no talent for alliteration. Show him up.
 
When Kevin McCarthy, as everyone assures us is inevitable, weasels his way into the Speakership of the House next year, @shitshowsupervisor makes a nice hashtag for him.
 
@jewishspacelasersandcatholicsatanists is Miss Marshall Law herself. Along with her suspicion of Muslims, her latest attack on Catholics means the notorious Congressperson has poked all of the Abrahamic religions in the eye. Who is left among the faithful for her to target? Mormons? Hindus? Scientologists? Whatever, Biden needs to smear her with a few Tweets.
​
It doesn’t matter that Twitter is being taken over by a fat-faced billionaire egomaniac who only thinks he’s funny. The Prez doesn’t have to worry about getting shut down. So, when Joe starts tweeting “Half the raisins in a box of Sun Maid are bigger than Tucker Carlson’s testicles, although maybe not as tanned,” or “Disneyland’s got Florida’s dick in a drainpipe,” Musk will be powerless to kick him off the platform.
 
Joe will get more popular. People will start thinking that we’ve got a real President again, when he starts Twitter-shitting on anybody he feels like. “That’s the White House I remember,” they’ll say proudly.
 
These are people that pay no attention to policy, principles, history or really, anything that happens past the end of their driveways. You’ve got to make noise to get them to turn their eyes away from Wheel of Fortune. But when they start saying things like “Didja hear where Biden called our congressman ‘Gaetz the Galloping Groomer?’ That was good. Ima voting for him. Ima voting for both of ‘em.”
 
This is the swing vote, Mr. President. You have to go after it.

Joe’s popularity is down has been the headline for months, it seems. There’s a whole litany of reasons out there. He stuck to Trump’s agreement with the Taliban to give away Afghanistan, which, let’s face it, nobody wanted anymore, anyway. Inflation, which Republicans claim is secretly pumped into the economy from a giant tank behind the White House bowling alley. And Covid, covid, covid, which continues to kill the unvaccinated, who are unvaccinated because they hate Joe Biden.
 
Getting publicly kicked in the balls by Joe Manchin didn’t help, either. And if you say "supply chain" one more time, Biden will send Jen Psaki out to your house to make you feel stupid in person.
 
So, Biden’s got to turn things around, and if he wants some useless, sardonic advice on doing that, he can always read these words. The counsel here is get flashy. Follow the example of your predecessor. What does Hunter do, anyway? Tell him to put down his paintbrush and start working in the White House. Fire the FBI director, whoever he is. Pass some state secrets to the Russians when you go eyeball-to-eyeball with Putin. Above all, proclaim all those crappy polls are “fake news.”
 
Golf, golf, golf. Piss your wife off so that she won’t touch you in public. Absentmindedly leave her behind when you’re getting in and out of limos and airplanes. Or just dump her and start carrying on publicly with some celebrity, preferably one that nobody is quite sure why she is famous, anyway, like Chrissy Teigen.
 
Brag about getting “love letters” from fat, murderous international maniacs. Call antifas “very fine people.” Send Mexico an invoice for not building a wall. Plant one of your famous hair kisses on the top of Ilhan Omar’s hijab.
 
Tweet, tweet, tweet. Call Manchin a “climate-destroying bunghole.” Call Mitch McConnell “a turtle-faced skinbag of Kentucky swill.” Accuse anybody that criticizes you of treason.
 
Speaking of Kentucky, where were the paper towels when you visited that disaster area? People are cleaning up whole destroyed trailer parks with napkins they swiped from McDonalds because you didn’t toss them a single roll of Bounty.
 
Some things you can never do. They may doom your Presidency. You can’t ask the Supreme Court to keep your tax returns secret, because you already released them. You can’t claim your Inauguration was the biggest one ever, because it was manifestly the smallest. You can’t proclaim “I alone can fix it,” and then never fix a goddam thing, because you’ve already tried to fix stuff, like roads and bridges.
 
But you can resolve to do something jaw-droppingly boneheaded nearly every single day.
 
Apparently, it’s what the American people want.

What’s coming out about the final days of the Trump circus reveals that Mike Pence, far from being the stern Constitutional defender that he will no doubt portray himself as when he makes his own laughable run for the White House in ’24, actively consulted with people who were aware that one of Trump’s lawyers had a six-point plan for him to throw a pipe wrench into the gears of election 2020.
 
The plan was for Pence to refuse to certify the electoral votes of six states, thereby making Trump the winner in the Electoral College. When the Democrats howled at that like they were getting their skins scraped off by rusty Brillo pads, Pence would shrug and pass off the problem to the House of Representatives. The House would conduct a vote based on state delegations, which the Republicans control 26-24, and Trump would have been re-elected.
 
The trouble with this rather breathless analysis was that one of those Republican state delegations was, and is, entirely controlled by one person, and that state is Wyoming, and that person is Liz Cheney, who, despite having inherited her dad’s opinion that the only way to achieve world peace is to keep paying Blackwater to kill brown people, is the Republican most utterly and publicly sick of Trump’s bullshit. The House would have tied 25-25, and no President would have been elected.
 
Come last January 20th, there would have been three people who could claim to be President—Biden, the guy people voted for, Nancy Pelosi, who automatically became Madam President on that date when nobody else was elected by the House, and Trump, who would continue to squat in the White House despite having no legal claim to be there, because of course he would.
 
When the Republican mobs hit the streets, they would have been met by Democratic mobs. Oath Keepers vs. Antifa would have happened every day. The US military would have been split down the middle. By the time the Supreme Court ruled in favor of President Pelosi and awarded her the nuclear football, Putin would probably have reinstituted Russian control over most of Eastern Europe, and would get a congratulatory call for that from Trump, still holed up in the West Wing, now guarded by Proud Boys instead of the Secret Service.
 
Nobody would have gotten America vaccinated, and when the Delta variant showed up it would have swept through the entire nation, instead of just weeding out fat people with GED’s who get their science from YouTube.
 
In desperation, California, along with many other states, would have seceded from the Union just so they could buy vaccines from Israel, and Gavin Newsom, the Acting President of the United States of the West Coast, would announce a mutual defense treaty with the United States of the East Coast, to try and forestall an invasion from Texas and Florida aimed at preserving the rights of Americans to breathe on other Americans. The Mask War would have begun at the California and New Jersey state lines.
 
But Pence consulted with former VP Dan Quayle first because, apparently, he felt that you ought to talk to a senior advisor before pissing on the Constitution like it was a bush in the back yard of your frat house. Quayle, who was probably not the first Vice President to make a spelling error but the first to be famous for it, and whose phone number has been forgotten by everybody except Mike Pence, could have said, “Go ahead, Mike, I’m tired of being remembered as the dumbest Vice President in history, anyway.”
 
Instead, Quayle said, “Jesus, Mike, did that fly eat most of your brain? No fucking way. Just sit down, shut up, count the votes and call a moving van.”
 
So now, the biggest problem we have today is a few extra Haitians.
 
Thanks, Dan.