Of course, they won’t solve either of the first two problems. Biden will still control the border, no matter how big the GOP wins by, and LGBTQ’s are not really a problem, especially if you wouldn’t know one unless she is Caitlyn Jenner appearing on Fox News. So that leaves inflation. I dialed up an old friend of mine, Joe Redstate, a veteran Republican operative, and asked him how the Republicans were going to fight inflation.
“Inflation is the most hideous problem of our time,” he said loudly, “and it’s all Biden’s fault.”
Couldn’t agree with you more, Joe, but how are you Republicans going to tackle it?
“Biden’s hideous incompetence is so visible now that he’s President, which shouldn’t have happened anyway. I mean, it was so obvious in 2020 that a horny reality TV star who’d already suggested curing the pandemic by injecting bleach into your veins was going to be a better President than somebody who’d been in politics for 50 years and had already been a Senator and a Vice President. But the Chinese and Dominion Voting picked Biden. And now we have six-buck a gallon gas, because that’s what Biden planned all along. Or Harris, if Biden is as senile as Sean Hannity says he is. Or Nancy Pelosi.
Absolutely certain you’re correct, Joe. Just tell me, what are Republicans going to do about inflation?
“Tackle it head-on, natch. I mean, Republicans are already offering voters many policies that won’t increase inflation. You can worry about the invasion at our southern border for no extra cost, even if you live in Wisconsin and should be worrying about Canadians crossing illegally to shoot our moose. Every filthy, crumpled peso note those migrants smuggle across increases the inflationary burden.
"It costs almost nothing to keep critical race theory out of grade schools, because it’s not there in the first place. There are gay kids in grade schools, but not allowing anybody to talk about them lowers the Consumer Price Index."
I'm pretty sure it doesn't, Joe.
"I'm pretty sure it does, because Republicans say it does. If you want to be argumentative about it, though, consider that it's only a small part of the multi-pronged effort Republicans will mount against inflation once you elect us. Remind yourself that It’s absolutely free to think that white people are seriously disadvantaged compare to blacks, Hispanics and refugees. Does it cost anything to sit at home with your blood boiling over wokeness? It doesn't cost a dime to make sure your kid grows up to be a surly redneck just like you are. And you don’t have to go any further than the laundromat to see some refugee washing the clothes that were the only thing he was able to escape to this country with, and to sneakily open the dryer door when he’s not looking, so it costs him extra quarters to dry his load, which serves him right for coming here in the first place.”
Those are some heady talking points, Joe, but I don’t see them lowering gas prices.
“We lower gas prices just by electing Republicans! Didn’t I say that already?”
You did, Joe, but what’s the actual mechanism that causes gas prices to fall once Republicans take over?
“Us not being Democrats. Do you have long covid or something, pal? Maybe you’re hard of hearing. When Republicans take over, everything we blame on Democrats goes away. Otherwise, why have an election?”
But what if the GOP wins Congress and there’s still inflation?
“Barely possible, considering every Republican running for office knows how to stop inflation cold. On the slim possibility that Republican economic know-how doesn’t stop inflation, though, just look at a calendar, bud. Biden’s going to be President until 2024. It’s still going to be his fault.”