Almost everyone thinks the ban is a stupid idea, Kellyanne. Even Dick Cheney, the godfather of waterboarding and a man who can quietly exude evil on a par with Sauron of Mordor, is against it.
“Thinking about the consequences of sweeping edicts from the White House before we enact them is not the President’s way. And we stand behind him. Being a shittier human being than Dick Cheney is tough, but we are proud to make the effort for the the Boss."
Reports say that Homeland Security and Immigration, the people who have to enforce the edict, weren’t even consulted about the order before it was issued. This is the United States. The President just can’t wave a scepter and make proclamations.
“President Trump asked where his scepter was right after he took the oath of office. He was deeply disturbed that the job didn’t come with one, but we are remedying that. We have invited both Raytheon and Northrop to bid on scepter construction, and screw the cost overruns. Whether it’s going to be a Harry Potter-like wand that can cast spells over the President’s enemies and any stray pussy he wants to grab, or just be capable of shooting out a weapons-grade laser every time he waves it depends on how the specs come in.”
The ban even includes green card holders, legal American residents. The courts have ruled that you have to let them in, but you claim you’re going to examine them on a case-by-case basis. You know these people have already been vetted, and some of them were admitted because of their service to the United States in Iraq.
“Mr. Trump didn’t notice their service. At the time, he was busy being the star of Celebrity Apprentice, the highest-rated reality show in history, but which could have even been more highly rated if any of these Muslims had watched it. So, what does he owe them? Show us a collection of boxed DVD’s from any season and you can move to the front of the line, immigration-wise.”
Critics have also noticed that Trump did not ban travel to the United States by citizens of countries where he has business interests, including Saudi Arabia, the home country of the 9-11 attackers.
“Mr. Trump wishes above all to protect the American people from terrorists, but not if doing so keeps his business empire, which he is not paying any attention to, from running smoothly. After all, he’s banned enough Muslims to piss off the entire planet as it is. He doesn’t need to keep the manager of the Trump Tower Riyadh from reporting to the White House because of some tacky immigration edict. Muslims who work for Trump can be trusted.”
As opposed to those who work for the United States?
“As of right now, it’s the same thing. Sucks to be a hajji.”
You’re actually comfortable saying that?
“Oh, hell yeah. Steve Bannon thinks we ought to put it on the money.”