Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

After the Trump Administration threw Homeland Security and Customs into chaos over the weekend and got its wrists slapped by the courts by trying to ban all people from certain Muslim countries from entering the United States, I put a call into to public relations witch Kellyanne Conway.

Almost everyone thinks the ban is a stupid idea, Kellyanne. Even Dick Cheney, the godfather of waterboarding and a man who can quietly exude evil on a par with Sauron of Mordor, is against it.

“Thinking about the consequences of sweeping edicts from the White House before we enact them is not the President’s way. And we stand behind him. Being a shittier human being than Dick Cheney is tough, but we are proud to make the effort for the the Boss."

Reports say that Homeland Security and Immigration, the people who have to enforce the edict, weren’t even consulted about the order before it was issued. This is the United States. The President just can’t wave a scepter and make proclamations.

“President Trump asked where his scepter was right after he took the oath of office. He was deeply disturbed that the job didn’t come with one, but we are remedying that. We have invited both Raytheon and Northrop to bid on scepter construction, and screw the cost overruns. Whether it’s going to be a Harry Potter-like wand that can cast spells over the President’s enemies and any stray pussy he wants to grab, or just be capable of shooting out a weapons-grade laser every time he waves it depends on how the specs come in.”

The ban even includes green card holders, legal American residents. The courts have ruled that you have to let them in, but you claim you’re going to examine them on a case-by-case basis. You know these people have already been vetted, and some of them were admitted because of their service to the United States in Iraq.

“Mr. Trump didn’t notice their service. At the time, he was busy being the star of Celebrity Apprentice, the highest-rated reality show in history, but which could have even been more highly rated if any of these Muslims had watched it. So, what does he owe them? Show us a collection of boxed DVD’s from any season and you can move to the front of the line, immigration-wise.”

Critics have also noticed that Trump did not ban travel to the United States by citizens of countries where he has business interests, including Saudi Arabia, the home country of the 9-11 attackers.

“Mr. Trump wishes above all to protect the American people from terrorists, but not if doing so keeps his business empire, which he is not paying any attention to, from running smoothly. After all, he’s banned enough Muslims to piss off the entire planet as it is. He doesn’t need to keep the manager of the Trump Tower Riyadh from reporting to the White House because of some tacky immigration edict. Muslims who work for Trump can be trusted.”

As opposed to those who work for the United States?

“As of right now, it’s the same thing. Sucks to be a hajji.”

You’re actually comfortable saying that?
​
“Oh, hell yeah. Steve Bannon thinks we ought to put it on the money.”

Despite threats from the White House to snub Mexico if they don’t agree to pay for the Wall, and the unanswered questions of where the barrier will be started and what it’s going to look like, a chagrined spokesman for the Trump Administration admitted the Wall with Mexico will not be built after all.

On condition of anonymity, the source confided, “We thought Mexico was sending us rapists, but it turns out they were sending us all their best masons, bricklayers and concrete contractors all along. It turns out there’s not enough non-immigrant Americans with construction skills to put up a picket fence in Nogales. How did we become a nation of people who don’t know which end of a shovel to hold?”

Sad. But are you sure? I’ve seen pictures of gringo contractors.

“Those guys? They look good in hardhats, but all they can do in real life is point at a fellow named Luis, Jose, or Jorge and tell them where the cement needs to go. It’s embarrassing.”

What about all of those unemployed people who were counting on Trump to get them jobs?

“They were thinking more of jobs where they get paid twenty-five bucks an hour to post misspelled stuff on Facebook. America already has plenty of people doing that for free. Even those people you see on the street, wearing “Make America Great Again” caps and holding up signs that say ‘Will Work for Oxycontin,’ aren’t serious about digging holes and putting posts in them.”

What is Trump going to do? He promised us a wall.

“It’s going to be an Alternative Wall now. Instead of concrete and barbed wire, it’ll be crime scene tape and security guards armed with laser pointers from the Rio Grande to San Diego.”

And do you really think that will keep people out?

“The laser pointers are going to have really fresh batteries. And did I mention it’s bilingual crime scene tape?”

​Lyrics by V. Putin. Translated from the Russian by B. Wilson.



Well Krakow whores are cheap, my friend
And they don’t wear underwear,
And Thailand tramps, with the way they strut
And keep it all shaved clean down there,
 
Vegas skanks with their big fake boobs all take Visa, sure
Those Czecho whores with the way they spank,
Just tie me up and lock the door!
 
But I wish they all could be like Russian
I wish they all could be like Russian
I wish they all could be Russian hooker girls!
 
Well, Moscow has the rubles
And the whores are good to go
Oligarchs scream and golden showers stream
You know you ain’t in Buffalo!
 
I’ve whored all around this great big world
And sampled all of its paid tail
But I always long to make my Moscow rounds
Russian hookers make me wail!
  
I wish they all could be like Russian
I wish they all could be like Russian
I wish they all could be Russian hooker girls!

This parody based on a suggestion by Nancy Federman, Phd. 

On this, the eve of the Inauguration of a man who will have to comb the lint of Putin’s pocket out of his hair weave before taking the oath of office as President of the United States, it occurs to us to engage in quiet thought and contemplation, even prayer if one is so inclined, as anyone looking forward to four years of chaos and disintegration should.

But no one wants to read that depressing stuff, so here’s a list of the Top Ten People Definitely Less Qualified to be President than Trump, done in Sports Illustrated Power Rankings style.

10. Bernie Madoff: 77-year-old Ponzi schemer who bilked elderly investors out of millions and is currently serving a 150-year prison sentence in New York. Sure, he caused his kid to commit suicide, and even his own family won’t visit him while he waits to die behind bars, but at least he expressed regret at his actions, something Trump has never done to anybody he’s ever shortchanged or insulted or whose privates he has ever grabbed. So maybe it’s a little neck-and-neck between Madoff and Trump. That’s why he’s only at #10.

9. JOSEPH VALLERO: Gambino crime family associate currently in the Witness Protection Program. Vallero’s testimony put several members of the Gambino organization behind bars, so he is on record as telling the truth about something at least once, which is more than Trump can say. But you can’t be President from an undisclosed location, so Vallero a nice fit at #9.

8. LANCE ARMSTRONG: Built an enormous brazen empire based on cheating even though constantly rumored to be cheating all the time, so a page right out of the Trump playbook. Has one less testicle, though. This deficiency has him slotted at #8.

7. EL CHAPO GUZMAN: The Mexican drug lord will be extradited to the United States well in front of the next primary season, and may be planning to hit the ground running, as his history of becoming a billionaire from scratch may be more inspiring to some than Trump’s getting handed a real estate empire by his dad. Has escaped from prison exactly as many times as Trump has been married. Is a guy with a Spanish surname who was born in a foreign country, so equally qualified to be President as Ted Cruz. Bound to be some “birthers” out there howling about an international murderer running for the White House, though, so putting him at #7 makes sense.

6. BARRY BONDS: Lies with a straight face as well as Kellyanne Conway, in his case about using steroids while he smashed Babe Ruth’s record for lifetime homers. That ought to sit well with Trump voters. Unfortunately for his prospects, he’s black, which won’t, leaving him dead in the water at #6.

5. MICHELLE BACHMANN: Has America forgotten this lady of unique lunacy, who once declaimed The Lion King as gay propaganda? The fact that she would start WW III just to see if Jesus’s face would appear in the mushroom clouds makes her marginally more dangerous than Trump, who would only start Armageddon if it would help his ratings. #5 with a bullet.

4. MAMA JUNE: Lost reality TV show when it was found out she was dating a child molester. Never dated Trump, who has only been accused of being a child molester. Clear advantage in Presidentialness to Trump. Nice try, Mama, but you end up at #4.

3. AARON HERNANDEZ: Former New England Patriot tight end convicted of murder. When the world is handed to you on a platter, it’s probably not smart to act out your inner thug fantasies thoroughly enough to get socked away in the Big House. Trump has never done this, although I’m sure he’s been tempted. You didn’t win or place, but you showed, Aaron. Keep it real. And keep your shivs sharp, my niggah. You’re scheduled for parole in exactly never.

2. A PERSONAL ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE WHO IS A PRIVATE CITIZEN: Can’t mention his name here, but made himself memorable to all because he had borderline personality disorder, suffered from obvious alcoholism and used steroids to boot. He once forgot where he hid $1000 in cash because he had a habit of concealing things from himself during binge-drinking episodes. Didn’t find it until two years later, when he was cleaning out his house while getting ready to move and opened a book he had somehow acquired. It was apparently the second time he had opened any book in his life, the first being when he had stashed the cash inside. We are virtually certain Trump has at least opened his own book, and are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that it was more than twice. Otherwise, dead even. You’re at #2, bro. Congrats, and better luck in rehab this time.

AND THE NUMBER ONE PERSON LESS QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT THAN TRUMP: MIKE PENCE! Where else can a moon-eyed, middlebrow Indiana boy with a passion for telling other people what they can and cannot do with their pants off put himself only a heartbeat away from the Presidency? Only in America. Ask Dan Quayle if you don’t believe us here, but unlike Quayle, who would have had to rely on Bush I’s heart (currently just now trying to give out before HW has to live to see Trump sworn in) to stop in order to claim the Oval Office, Pence will become President the moment Trump is forced from the job. Which he will be, as soon as all the Republicans he insulted on his way to the top get a few more memos from the FBI. Not only are you #1, Mike, but just stay away from Russian hookers and Alec Baldwin, and you will be America’s First Person in time for the State of the Union, 2018.

There’s been a lot of talk lately about white genocide, and it had me worried, because I am white and I know what genocide is. If there is going to be some kind of Kristallnacht for all Caucasians, I know it could affect me, and I would be profoundly annoyed if someone slaughtered me out of existence just because I am white.

But after doing a little Googling, I relaxed. It turns out that the people who coined the phrase “white genocide” think it is happening when white girls go to rap concerts, and also by black actor Idris Elba being considered for the role of Agent 007, James Bond.

James Bond is not the first fictional character whose possible blackness has roiled the waters of racial harmony, at least as far as some white people are concerned. Megyn Kelly is famous for having proclaimed that Santa Claus is white, because the race of mythical creatures is a big controversy, especially on Fox News, and the fact that the main Santa at the Mall of America last Christmas was portrayed by a person of color was also proclaimed by some to be another example of white genocide. Why no one thought it was a racial War on Christmas, I cannot say.

Other imaginary beings, like the Easter Bunny, seem to be immune to racial controversy. Usually the Bunny is depicted as a nice chocolate brown, and people just don’t care. This is because the EB is not an imaginary human, so he falls under the General Law of Neighborly Prejudice, which is that while there are some people who worry deeply if they have a black neighbor, nobody cares if their neighbor has a black dog.

Jesus, who Megyn Kelly also stated was white, obviously was not covered under this statute. I personally believe that Jesus was white as well, because He lived in a part of the world that was populated in the Year Zero by mostly brown-skinned people with frizzy dark hair. Jesus having the straight blonde locks of a Northern European would account for Him having gaining such a large number of followers in such a short period of time. Most of them probably just wanted to touch His hair.

James Bond, unlike Santa Claus, who is only vital to young children and the cookie and diary industries, is an important imaginary symbol of the Free World. He is a national hero to Americans, even though he doesn’t, technically, work for this nation. James Bond routinely saves the world from evil techno-oligarchs, and does so despite being captured by them every time, because the world’s evil geniuses, while they are clever and motivated enough to entrap the entire globe in one implacable web of doom or another, are never smart enough to just shoot 007 the minute they see him. No, they always wad him into some hopeless predicament, like having to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded in the dark, with the cube being connected to the detonator on a dark energy bomb or a vat of plague germs or a laser big enough to burn fresh craters onto the moon.

​Most of us would kiss our hineys good-bye at this point, but James Bond can’t do that, because Halle Berry is sitting on his lap. So, he solves the puzzle, defuses the bomb, destroys the evil geniuses and sexes Halle Berry and whatever other drop-dead gorgeous starlet that tries to get in his way and gets a medal from the Queen almost as an afterthought.

James Bond has saved the world from nuclear conflagration a half-dozen times or more and, let’s face it, a missile exchange between the US and Russia would wipe out a crap-ton of white people. You could almost call it white genocide. If a real-life James Bond appeared, and saved us from that, he would deserve the thanks of a grateful world.

And I’m pretty sure nobody would insist that he be white.

The world-shaking news that Donald Trump employed several Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed that President Obama and his wife once slept on in Moscow has roiled the waters of international diplomacy, but has also prompted a sea change in the attitude of the entertainment industry towards the President-elect.

Previously Hollywood had disdained the impending Administration, as evinced by Meryl Streep’s critical comments concerning Trump while she accepted yet another award at yet another awards show the other night. Many in Hollywood have said, publically and privately, that almost any out-of-work actor, “even Nick Cage,” or possibly  “one of Pitt and Jolie’s frigging adopted Cambodian orphans” would make a better President than Trump.  Now Streep is the first to volunteer to help Trump feel more comfortable in the White House by offering  to urinate between his sheets if that would help Trump unwind after a long day steering the ship of state.

“I’ll do it as my serene, eloquent self or, if the President wishes, I’ll use my world-class acting talent to play a coked-out Eastern European prostitute whose inevitable fate is to executed by the GRU as soon as the President gets his rocks off. I’ll even bring my own wine, to make the performance linger,” said Streep.

Not to be outdone, sultry songstress, icon of bootyliciousness and  Grammy award winner Beyoncé chimed in, “Hell yes, where do I sign up for that? I’ll even get outside of a 24-cube of PBR beforehand. It’ll be a show the dude will never forget.”

Snotty hottie Taylor Swift also let it be known she would be available to micturate in the Presidential bedchamber, but only if she could urinate on Trump’s person. “I’ll even sing Shake It Off while I'm tinkling on him,” she said eagerly.

As of this writing, no one from Trump’s team has responded to requests for comment.

The Trump train is rolling towards Inauguration Day, and people are jumping on and off of it at a frantic pace. But its most steadfast passenger besides Putin is Julian Assange, head honcho at WikiLeaks, which published all those leaks that led to the drip-drip of Democratic defeat, and harbingered the rise of President Cheezit.

Here we are speaking metaphorically, of course, because Assange has lived in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, reportedly in a Harry Potter-like hole under the stairs, for the last several years, to avoid being tried on rape charges in Sweden despite the fact that the punishment for rape in Sweden is only a severe spanking. You would think he might be resentful of the Donald, who has by his own admission has committed sexual assault many times but still gets to move into the White House, but Assange has nothing but comradely affection for Trump, and pledged on Hannity that Russia had zip to do with the hacks that sealed Hillary’s doom.

This despite the fact that WikiLeaks is actually set up so they don’t know where their leaks come from.  Anybody from the Chinese secret service to the Tooth Fairy can tip them off, and they would have no idea who sent them their latest batch of sordid emails. But Assange is probably bored with life in the Ecuadorian Embassy, and they are certainly bored of him, calling him “El violador con la pequeña polla”* behind his back and threatening to make him shear llamas in lieu of rent. So, it’s a nice break for Assange to get on Hannity and spout off nonsense, and it also relieves some of the pressure on Hannity to spout off all the nonsense himself.

Less content with his spot on the Trump bandwagon is General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, the future Secretary of Defense. Mad Dog, who presumably got his name by sitting in a bunker ordering people killed from afar with more verve and enthusiasm than generals not nicknamed after rabid mammals, is unhappy with Agent Orange for selecting somebody for the position of Secretary of the Army named Vincent Viola, whose chief qualification for the office is owning a hockey team. Mattis apparently feels that Viola knows nearly as much about being Secretary of the Army as any random sous-chef at Mar el Largo.

Americans who loved Trump for his promise to build a “great big beautiful wall” on our border with Mexico are uneasy at the prospect of being forced to pay for it and getting Mexico to cough up for the bill later, especially in view of former Mexican President Vincente Fox Tweeting, “We ain’t gonna pay for no fucken wall,” to which Team Trump only responded by criticizing Fox’s spelling of the English adjective “fucking.” The likelihood of Mexico paying for the wall is considered greater than the likelihood that Trump will ever pay any taxes at all, however.

Former prostitute Melania Trump is threatening to sue anyone who calls her a former prostitute.

And Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was never really on the Trump train to begin with, is definitely off for good after Trump blasted him on Twitter for his low ratings on the new Celebrity Apprentice, which Trump still makes money from. Arnold, who Trump probably does not think has a better body, personality and hair style than he does, did not respond by saying many people are not watching “Celebrity Apprentice” because they don’t want to finance Trump, and many other people don’t watch it because it is a pointless waste of the precious minutes of their lives.  

Schwarzenegger responded by urging Trump to channel his inner Lincoln. Silly Arnold. President-elect Cheezit does not have an inner Lincoln.

He's Trump to the bone.   

*"The rapist with the small wang"

Ken Ham, the builder of Noah’s Ark 2.0, is back in the news for getting into a major Twitter war with the Washington Post because the Post reported that he (Ham) believes the dinosaurs perished in Noah’s Flood.

A little background: Years ago, Ham abandoned the idea of digging up the original Ark, which would cost money. It also has been attempted so many times that Mt. Ararat, which is the most popular place to go to if you yearn to discover the remains of Ark 1.0, has been reduced from a noble Middle Eastern peak into a pile of mine tailings.  He decided he would build a new Ark from scratch in Kentucky and make money instead.

This seems to be working out for him—he is said to be pocketing a half-million a year from promoting the idea that all of us, instead of all being descended from a bunch of hominids that decided to swing down from the trees a million years back and start walking across the African plains, lobbing rocks at other members of the food chain along the way, are all descended from a long-lived family of incestuous Semites who were the only people who survived a patch of really soggy weather about 5k BC.

Ken lashed out at the WP because that newspaper reported, inaccurately as it turns out, that Ken believes all the dinosaurs perished in the spin cycle of God’s divine fury, as many of the simple, deeply Christian and morbidly obese people of Kentucky do. BUT KEN HAM DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT!

Ken believes that Noah kindly offered to save the dinosaurs, too. He says that if you go on the tour of Ark 2.0, you will see giant plastic dinosaurs in big cages, which is proof, he claims, that Noah did not abandon the dinosaurs to die in the big wash-out. In Ken’s Bible, the patriarch did not say to Bessie the Brontosaurus, “Big girl, you’ve packed a on few too many cubits to wedge you in between the bonobos and the brown recluse spiders, which is where you would go alphabetically in a language that won’t exist for thousands of years yet, but which will be the only one they will speak in Kentucky. Hope you’ve been practicing the dino-paddle.”

No, the dinosaurs survived the Flood, Ken says. They later died out when they “ succumbed to the same sorts of pressures which cause extinction in animal populations today,” in Ham’s opinion. Thus, Tyrannosaurus Rexes could no longer find enough people to eat outside of Noah's family, so they starved to death. 

This is sound science, but it also sounds dangerously close to natural selection, so I’m sure it’s not what Ken meant. Maybe he meant “There’s nothing like big fiberglass dinosaurs to get kids excited to bug their parents to take them to an amusement park, and I’ll rake in way more green if I pack a few dinos in with rest of the plastic zoo.”

Not that Ken Ham ever said anything like that. If he did, he could be like the Bible—people could take him literally. 

​After starting the year with this big Up Yours to the 71 million Americans who voted against him on Twitter, what other steps is the new Administration going to take to implement Trump’s view of America, if indeed he has one?

Spin maven Kellyanne Conway, always the first to step up to the plate to field the hardball questions, replied to this one smoothly.

“The phenomena that is the Trump victory can be explained by one thing. Americans were tired of the stalemate in Washington between Democrats, and their vision of a government that works for the American people, and the Republicans, with their vision of a government that works for the people who donate money to their campaigns. Trump blew both of those ideas out of the water, and now the American government is going to work for Trump.”

But not really anybody else?

“That is not Trump’s problem. Look at the cabinet he’s assembling! Rick Perry for the Energy Department!”

Rick Perry once said he wanted to abolish the Energy Department. Actually, he said he couldn't remember wanting to abolish the Energy Department.

“And now he can’t, whether he remembers to or not! What’s he going to do, go back to Dancing with the Stars? Stroke of genius! And what about Ben Carson at HUD?”
​
Tell me again how he’s qualified for that job?

“He’s a black guy. We had to have one. He’s the only black guy the Boss knows, besides Don King. We’re still trying to find a spot for King, by the way. The only man with a stranger haircut than the Donald’s is going to have a prominent place in the Trump Administration.”

Supreme Court, maybe?

“I’m pretty sure the Boss knows there’s already a black guy there, so probably not. But somewhere. The President-elect loves having press conferences with King. His feeling is, any time you have a tough press conference, make it a co-conference with Don King. No matter how much sense you do not make, Don King will make less."

What about actual policies? What about Obamacare?

“We’re going to abolish Obamacare and replace it with something, or possibly nothing. Either way, it’s going to be unbelievably good.”

And draining the swamp? And building the wall?

“I think it’s obvious to everyone that when Mr. Trump was saying those things during the campaign he had his fingers crossed, but he was NOT lying his orange face off, as his enemies who are still bitter about winning the popular vote by millions but losing in the Electoral College HA HA like to say. Anyone who’s been following the appointment process must realize that the PEOTUS was sincere about draining the swamp. Just not right away. First, we’re going to air-condition the swamp, and maybe put in some Jacuzzis and a clubhouse. Mexico is still refusing to pay for the wall, so we’re making the process more competitive by inviting bids by other nations. If Canada, Abu Dhabi or Cambodia wants to pay for the wall, we’ll have one.

“In foreign policy, we’re going to have an arms race with Russia, but it’s going to be a friendly one, kind of like a side bet on a golf game, only for trillions of dollars.”

It actually doesn’t sound like you have any idea of what you’re going to do at all. Do you really think that American voters were so sick of political stalemate they really wanted an astonishing clusterfuck instead?
​
‘I’m going to turn that question over to my friend, Don King.”