At the moment the verdict against the Orange Offender was read in a New York courtroom, before a neutral observer could say, “Well, that didn’t take too long,” Republican politicians across the country quickly reached into their desk drawers for a tube of Chapstick, knowing full well that they would be pressing their thin white lips against the great dimpled wall of the Cantaloupe Convict’s hiney as soon as Fox News asked them to.
Ohio Senator J D Vance jumped the line, offering this observation: “If a man gets blamed for taking a porn star to the boneyard, and then spending 400 grand to cover it up, and then shits on the lawyer that helped him do it, lies about it everywhere but on the witness stand, and then sobs like a jilted middle-school girlfriend when he gets convicted in twelve hours flat, that man has my vote for President. Nobody deserves to lead this country more than a guy that can’t beat a 34-felony rap.”
“Liddle” Senator Marco Rubio shoved Vance’s head aside as he plunged ahead with this statement: ‘Imagine you were having a torrid extramarital affair with a Playboy centerfold because it was the only thing that helped you focus on Making America Great Again, and your tabloid-publishing buddy offered to make the story go away so you could cruise into the Oval Office? It would be a crime not to take advantage of that. Whoops? Did I say crime? Sorry. Your rear end is as soft, clean and fresh as one of Mike Lindell’s pillows. I bet Vance didn’t mention that.”
Mike “Teeny Peenie” Johnson: “God. Jesus. Prayer. Bible. I mean, I’d like to be Vice President, too. Can you tell I’m already sick of being Speaker of the House?”
Senator Tim “I’m not gay like Lindsey is” Scott, proclaimed: “This is not the way the justice system is supposed to work—a thorough investigation, indictment by a grand jury, a weeks-long trial to examine the facts, ace trial lawyers to defend the accused, and conviction by a jury of the man’s peers. How can you see any justice in that? Criminal convictions should not happen to any white Republican, let alone an ex-President. It’s so rigged when convictions happen to wealthy, white people who, probably accidentally, totally disregarded the law. Can you tell I love white people? Please tell me you can. Can you tell they want me to be Vice President? I hope so.”
Representative Elise Stefanik: “Yes, my smoochie. It was that horrible Biden boy who caused your awful ouchie. Kiss, kiss. We’re going to kick this bully off the playground in November and make you all happy and better. Will a little huggie-squeezy make you stop crying? Nobody’s going to be a better Vice-President than your mumsie Elise.”
Ohio Senator J D Vance jumped the line, offering this observation: “If a man gets blamed for taking a porn star to the boneyard, and then spending 400 grand to cover it up, and then shits on the lawyer that helped him do it, lies about it everywhere but on the witness stand, and then sobs like a jilted middle-school girlfriend when he gets convicted in twelve hours flat, that man has my vote for President. Nobody deserves to lead this country more than a guy that can’t beat a 34-felony rap.”
“Liddle” Senator Marco Rubio shoved Vance’s head aside as he plunged ahead with this statement: ‘Imagine you were having a torrid extramarital affair with a Playboy centerfold because it was the only thing that helped you focus on Making America Great Again, and your tabloid-publishing buddy offered to make the story go away so you could cruise into the Oval Office? It would be a crime not to take advantage of that. Whoops? Did I say crime? Sorry. Your rear end is as soft, clean and fresh as one of Mike Lindell’s pillows. I bet Vance didn’t mention that.”
Mike “Teeny Peenie” Johnson: “God. Jesus. Prayer. Bible. I mean, I’d like to be Vice President, too. Can you tell I’m already sick of being Speaker of the House?”
Senator Tim “I’m not gay like Lindsey is” Scott, proclaimed: “This is not the way the justice system is supposed to work—a thorough investigation, indictment by a grand jury, a weeks-long trial to examine the facts, ace trial lawyers to defend the accused, and conviction by a jury of the man’s peers. How can you see any justice in that? Criminal convictions should not happen to any white Republican, let alone an ex-President. It’s so rigged when convictions happen to wealthy, white people who, probably accidentally, totally disregarded the law. Can you tell I love white people? Please tell me you can. Can you tell they want me to be Vice President? I hope so.”
Representative Elise Stefanik: “Yes, my smoochie. It was that horrible Biden boy who caused your awful ouchie. Kiss, kiss. We’re going to kick this bully off the playground in November and make you all happy and better. Will a little huggie-squeezy make you stop crying? Nobody’s going to be a better Vice-President than your mumsie Elise.”
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