Amidst all the sightseeing along the fiscal cliff that's been going on lately, a new group has arisen that stakes out a bold vision for America's future. The CEO Fiscal Leadership Council, whose most outspoken member is the CEO of Goldman Sachs, sees lowering the corporate tax rate to zero, closing tax loopholes on everybody but themselves and cutting Medicare to levels not seen since the elderly eating Alpo days of yore is the only way to save the country.
Opponents of the group have attacked the campaign as being "a Trojan Horse for massive corporate tax cuts," and "an endless torrent of festering bull feces," among other things.
Not content with merely taking the word of the mainstream media that these captains of industry were merely out to soak the poor and line their own wallets, this column attempted to contact Goldman Sachs' Lloyd Blankfein. While we were told Blankfein was unavailable, a spokesman for Goldman Sachs was happy to take questions.
One of the things Blankfein said was that "people have to learn to expect less." Aren't Americans trained from birth to expect more?
"Absolutely, and that's the problem. People don't know how to sacrifice anymore. Mr. Blankfein only made 161 million last year. Did he piss and moan about not cracking the 200 mil barrier? No, he just tightened his belt and went back to work. The same thing should apply to these old Medicare people. Why do they need a full twelve hours on a dialysis machine? Just give them a couple hours in the morning and tell them to avoid snacks for the rest of the day and they'll be fine."
Sure, the nation has financial problems, but why cut medical care to sick people? Doesn't it make Goldman Sachs look heartless?
"Nonsense. Goldman Sachs has a huge heart. What we don't want to cut is dividends to our shareholders. If we spend billions keeping these oldsters alive, sucking up oxygen all the rest of us could otherwise enjoy, where's the money going to come from if we accidentally spend our entire net worth on a dumpster full of worthless paper again and need another bailout?"
So how are we going to parcel out medical care to the elderly? Are we going to have those death committees?
"I wish. The death committees were the one part of Obamacare that the CEO's of America could really get behind. The whole problem was the name. If Obama had only called them Afterlife Relocation Commissions, or something else a little less in your face than 'death committees' they'd be in business today, and America would be on a firm path towards fiscal responsibility."
But many Americans would die prematurely.
"Prematurely is in the eye of the beholder, bud. I say if you want to keep sweet old Grandma alive and rocking a hole in your porch, DIY, baby. She needs radiation, take her on a tour of an abandoned uranium mine. She needs surgery, there's that old board game, Operation. Practice on the funny bone. When you can get it out without the buzzer going off, it's time to go after her gallbladder."
How does Goldman Sachs plan on investing all the money it will save when the government no longer taxes Wall Street to pay for keeping its citizens breathing?
"On pumping up the next bubble. Dot com, real estate…what's next? Goldman Sachs promises to be on the leading edge of the next big financial failure. Better put your money in one of our hedge funds anyway…we're campaigning to eliminate Social Security, too!"
Opponents of the group have attacked the campaign as being "a Trojan Horse for massive corporate tax cuts," and "an endless torrent of festering bull feces," among other things.
Not content with merely taking the word of the mainstream media that these captains of industry were merely out to soak the poor and line their own wallets, this column attempted to contact Goldman Sachs' Lloyd Blankfein. While we were told Blankfein was unavailable, a spokesman for Goldman Sachs was happy to take questions.
One of the things Blankfein said was that "people have to learn to expect less." Aren't Americans trained from birth to expect more?
"Absolutely, and that's the problem. People don't know how to sacrifice anymore. Mr. Blankfein only made 161 million last year. Did he piss and moan about not cracking the 200 mil barrier? No, he just tightened his belt and went back to work. The same thing should apply to these old Medicare people. Why do they need a full twelve hours on a dialysis machine? Just give them a couple hours in the morning and tell them to avoid snacks for the rest of the day and they'll be fine."
Sure, the nation has financial problems, but why cut medical care to sick people? Doesn't it make Goldman Sachs look heartless?
"Nonsense. Goldman Sachs has a huge heart. What we don't want to cut is dividends to our shareholders. If we spend billions keeping these oldsters alive, sucking up oxygen all the rest of us could otherwise enjoy, where's the money going to come from if we accidentally spend our entire net worth on a dumpster full of worthless paper again and need another bailout?"
So how are we going to parcel out medical care to the elderly? Are we going to have those death committees?
"I wish. The death committees were the one part of Obamacare that the CEO's of America could really get behind. The whole problem was the name. If Obama had only called them Afterlife Relocation Commissions, or something else a little less in your face than 'death committees' they'd be in business today, and America would be on a firm path towards fiscal responsibility."
But many Americans would die prematurely.
"Prematurely is in the eye of the beholder, bud. I say if you want to keep sweet old Grandma alive and rocking a hole in your porch, DIY, baby. She needs radiation, take her on a tour of an abandoned uranium mine. She needs surgery, there's that old board game, Operation. Practice on the funny bone. When you can get it out without the buzzer going off, it's time to go after her gallbladder."
How does Goldman Sachs plan on investing all the money it will save when the government no longer taxes Wall Street to pay for keeping its citizens breathing?
"On pumping up the next bubble. Dot com, real estate…what's next? Goldman Sachs promises to be on the leading edge of the next big financial failure. Better put your money in one of our hedge funds anyway…we're campaigning to eliminate Social Security, too!"
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