The newly crowned Empress of Arkansas, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, has decreed that anyone applying for a state job in her kingdom must write a 500-word essay on what the applicant admires about her most.
The Huckster seems to be emulating her most recent boss, whose appetite for abject and probably insincere ass-kissing is never sated, but it’s easy to see where this is going.
In a few years, will Sanders sit on the Gunmetal Throne of Little Rock? Will she acquire extra titles like “Khaleesi of the Snaggy Bottoms?” “Princess of the Greenish Swamps?” “Tornado Born?” “Protector of the Realm’s Razorbacks?”
Will every bass boat in the state be required to have her figurine on its prow?
Beats me, but if you are applying for a state job in Arkansas, here’s some advice. Do not start your essay with, “You always seem like you’re winking at me,” or “I like ‘em BIG.” Also, don’t mention the former Governor, her father. She didn’t need that tired old fake sleeping-pill selling hack to get where she is today.
Do not say, “Your legs remind me of a pachyderm’s,” because she has Google too, and when she looks that up, you’re going to be settling for work in the private sector.
“But what can I say?” you ask. “She’s only been the gov for a few months.”
Well, remember, she banished the word “Latinx” from the Arkansas state vocabulary. It’s not much an accomplishment, since everybody hated Latinx, even outside of the state. Latinx is supposed to be the non-gendered form of “Latino” or “Latina.” I still don't know how to pronounce it. Hispanics especially dislike it because in Spanish, the favored language of many Hispanics, like most other languages, everything is already gendered. Us would-be Spanish speakers have learned that the hard way. We are prattling along fine until we have to try and remember things like is a refrigerator male or female? * So, we switch to broken English and hand gestures.
So, “Latinx” not much of an accomplishment, but put it in anyway, for God’s sake. All the rest of Huckabee’s acts in the last few months are things like forbidding drag queens to read the Bible within a hundred yards of a Sunday school and keeping transgenders fleeing the state out of YOUR rest stops.
Anecdotes help. “One day I opened a porta-potty in the state park, because the heebie-sheebie inside had forgotten to lock the door. I wisht you were governor then, because I was traumatized.” So do compliments. “I watched you when Trump was President, and I often thought, If I could lie like that, I’d still be married.”
Other than that, you’re on your own. But put your all into in, otherwise she’s going to pick some else to be the director of the Lake of the Ozarks Sunken Rowboat Museum.
And as you toil over your task of kissing Huckabee’s great round ass, think of the only person who has it worse than you, the person who must write an essay on Huckabee to get a government job.
That’s the guy who has to read them.
*Male. Who the fuck knows why?
The Huckster seems to be emulating her most recent boss, whose appetite for abject and probably insincere ass-kissing is never sated, but it’s easy to see where this is going.
In a few years, will Sanders sit on the Gunmetal Throne of Little Rock? Will she acquire extra titles like “Khaleesi of the Snaggy Bottoms?” “Princess of the Greenish Swamps?” “Tornado Born?” “Protector of the Realm’s Razorbacks?”
Will every bass boat in the state be required to have her figurine on its prow?
Beats me, but if you are applying for a state job in Arkansas, here’s some advice. Do not start your essay with, “You always seem like you’re winking at me,” or “I like ‘em BIG.” Also, don’t mention the former Governor, her father. She didn’t need that tired old fake sleeping-pill selling hack to get where she is today.
Do not say, “Your legs remind me of a pachyderm’s,” because she has Google too, and when she looks that up, you’re going to be settling for work in the private sector.
“But what can I say?” you ask. “She’s only been the gov for a few months.”
Well, remember, she banished the word “Latinx” from the Arkansas state vocabulary. It’s not much an accomplishment, since everybody hated Latinx, even outside of the state. Latinx is supposed to be the non-gendered form of “Latino” or “Latina.” I still don't know how to pronounce it. Hispanics especially dislike it because in Spanish, the favored language of many Hispanics, like most other languages, everything is already gendered. Us would-be Spanish speakers have learned that the hard way. We are prattling along fine until we have to try and remember things like is a refrigerator male or female? * So, we switch to broken English and hand gestures.
So, “Latinx” not much of an accomplishment, but put it in anyway, for God’s sake. All the rest of Huckabee’s acts in the last few months are things like forbidding drag queens to read the Bible within a hundred yards of a Sunday school and keeping transgenders fleeing the state out of YOUR rest stops.
Anecdotes help. “One day I opened a porta-potty in the state park, because the heebie-sheebie inside had forgotten to lock the door. I wisht you were governor then, because I was traumatized.” So do compliments. “I watched you when Trump was President, and I often thought, If I could lie like that, I’d still be married.”
Other than that, you’re on your own. But put your all into in, otherwise she’s going to pick some else to be the director of the Lake of the Ozarks Sunken Rowboat Museum.
And as you toil over your task of kissing Huckabee’s great round ass, think of the only person who has it worse than you, the person who must write an essay on Huckabee to get a government job.
That’s the guy who has to read them.
*Male. Who the fuck knows why?
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