“Geez, that does sound unpleasant,” you might say, but when you throw in various Republican support groups, like white nationalists, open carriers, Bikers for Trump (and their favorite subgroup, Wet T-Shirt Contestants for Trump) plus the battalions of dominatrixes, male escorts, bottoms, Boy Scouts and regular old prostitutes that Republicans like to hang with when they’ve successfully left their wives at home, you’re looking at a lot of burnt-out tiki torches to recycle when all is said and done.
That’s why a lot of cities gave the Republicans a hard pass when they were shopping Trump’s coronation in the first place. San Antonio, Texas, said that having the Republicans in would violate that city’s "culture of inclusion,” which, in regular English, means, “We don’t want the Klan sitting around eating our nachos,” while Philadelphia, PA, said that, unfortunately, they planned to be fresh out of cheesesteaks that week.
But Charlotte was willing to accommodate the Republicans, figuring their state had enough Confederate war memorials, flags and a honeyed history of local racism to soothe the savage hearts of the Republican beasts. Then the coronavirus broke out, and now the NC gov is not going to flat-out guarantee that the GOP is going to be able to have a traditional, full-throated convention with a packed floor from which the lies fly like sweet candies through the sweaty air, because those falsehoods are liable to be soaring airborne on spittle full of covid-19.
No, Charlotte may want the Repubs to have a socially distanced convention, which Trump would hate. Rabid Trumpaneers do not stand six feet apart. It’s tough to grab pussy from that distance, for one. They could all wear masks as they thronged oafishly before the throne, which would make them considerably safer, except that Republicans are too soaked in the lighter fluid of freedom to worry about the spark of the virus, so they won’t.
The city fathers of Charlotte are all likely hoping Trump carries out his threat now, but it doesn’t look good. All over the country, mayors are rushing to put up “Closed for August” billboards on the city approaches. From Amarillo to Zanesville, the thought of a lot of howling, coughing white guys breathing heavily on their homegrown barmaids and parking lot attendants fills them with dread.
What’ll happen is that the Republicans will be forced to say they will comply with Charlotte’s restrictions, but by the time Trump takes the stage, they will have said “Fuck that,” and sewn their masks into MAGA beanies and crammed themselves so tightly together that they are practically one organism, and roar “TRUMP” so loud that some of them are going to have trouble breathing the next day.
Then they’ll go home. With a message for America. They’ll sneeze it all over the land.