Senator Maybelline’s campaign for Veep, alongside that of his running mate’s, The Bellowing Felon, is slogging towards its November destiny amid a morass of lies and questionable associations, with hardly a day going by in which Vance does not earn one of these epithets.
One of the characteristics of a twerp, besides his smarmy sense that he is smarter than you and just about anybody else, is the assumption of his own popularity. This is based on the principal that people in general like to be thought of as dimwits, and that the twerp is gracing them with his presence. Poor Vance can’t seem to buy a donut or go into a grocery store without being rejected cold. Apparently, his advance men don’t bother asking if the proprietors of these establishments want to have the Senator busting in on them, or if they’d rather be visited by a migrant gang of organized shoplifters or Eastern European extortionists.
It is tough for a twerp to believe that he is not universally loved. The opposite is true of the cheesedick, a person who has been promoted far beyond his qualifications, and whose insecurity causes him to share his innermost thoughts, no matter how yucky, and to hang with a truly jaw-dropping crowd, just because they are on his side. Ironically, the ultimate cheesedick Veep nominee was a person who lacked any dick at all, save for what she could scour up on the side—Sarah Palin!
Who in America could simultaneously piss off people for having cats and for accusing them of eating them at the same time? Only the Senator. But it’s in the area of association that Vance really gets into the quicksand, appearing on unemployed zombie Tucker Carlson’s podcast right after a guy who claimed that Hitler gassed the Jews of Europe because he secretly had a vast affection for them, and didn’t want them to starve, and being a featured speaker at an event organized by Lance Wallnau, an evangelical “prophet” who had a simple explanation for Trump getting waxed like a linoleum floor by Harris in their debate--Harris used witchcraft!
Yes, the “spirit of Jezebel” moves through the current Veep, and it rendered Trump helpless at the debate. Satan himself has made Trump appear to be an ancient dodderer, plying the same well-worn bullshit over and over, instead of mere time and lack of talent turning Trump into an ancient dodderer, spewing the same bullshit over and over, with an occasional time out for golf.
As a channeler of demonic forces, it is no doubt the opinion of Wallnau that Harris should be burned at the stake, and in the current state of the Secret Service, a guy can only hope that they are still sufficiently organized to prevent that.
But Senator Cheesedick was proud to appear at Wallnau’s event, because he wants the votes of people who believe that Harris is a witch, that Walz is Coach Warlock, and that all the cats of America are demonic familiars who deserve to be made into gumbo by immigrants.
At least the black ones are.
This is not the first time I’ve taken notice of Wallnau over here. I wrote this in 2019, under the title “Anointed Hooker Cake Cures Gay Sinner.” The evangelist mentioned in it is none other than Wallnau.
A Dallas evangelist told his followers that an "anointed cake" baked by "hookers" turned a gay man straight.
The importance of cake in establishing sexual orientation is brought home, and I mean brought home with a police escort, by this story straight out of the Dallas Morning News.
Those who have decried the sincere efforts of Christian bakers not to make cakes for same-sex weddings will have to shut up, as it is now apparent that the Lord works in two ways: 1. Mysteriously. 2. Through cake.
The parable, in which none of the actors are mentioned by name, possibly for legal reasons and also possibly because the speaker of the parable does not wish any of them to dispute the tale, goes as follows: Once there was a bar owned by an anti-Christian gay man. (An ACGM, as he will be referred to in this account from now on, because one thing we can all agree on is that the world needs more acronyms). The bar nonetheless had a Christian regular, and he converted a few of the hookers that hung out at the bar to Christianity.
I hear you skeptics clucking with doubt. Well, bars where hookers hang out with Christians are more common than the naïve among you might think, especially around Republican national conventions.
To celebrate their acceptance of Jesus, the hookers promptly baked a cake, and then “anointed” it. What they anointed it with is not made clear. Whether they prayed over the icing or just dabbed it with a little of the spermicidal jelly they happened to have in their purses will never be known. Whatever they did, the power of Jesus moved through the baked goods, and when the ACGM ate of the cake, he promptly became a straight Christian man, and banged one of the hookers on the bar for her customary rate to celebrate, and in lieu of a tip, gave her free drinks for the weekend.
All right, I made that last part up. Whether the Godly hooker certified the ACGM’s conversion to heterosexuality personally is not made clear by the Morning News account. But it could have happened that way, and how else could we be sure of the truth of this story?
What is important to note is that just as Jesus can make miracles through the sacred sugar and Godly gluten of a hooker cake, so can Satan move through the hot fudge icing of a gay wedding cake. Tales of resolutely Christian men who arrive at a gay wedding in a Dodge Durango extended cab pickup with a gun rack and a hound dog in the bed, take one bite of a gay wedding cake, and then leave in a Mini Cooper convertible with a Bichon Frise next to them in the passenger seat, are no longer to be regarded as merely apocryphal.
And let us hold in our disdain for those good Christian bakers who have forsworn baking cakes that celebrate sodomy. Let us not refer to them as “homophobic, and probably racist and misogynist, too, cracker hypocrites.” Nor shall we call them “hate-filled, Bible-thumping, low-IQ yick-a-doos,” for they are doing God’s work, preventing Lucifer from infesting the flour of Christian cake with his Weevils from Hell.
Also, there are Christian hookers that will make you a cake. But it still costs 500 bucks an hour.
One of the characteristics of a twerp, besides his smarmy sense that he is smarter than you and just about anybody else, is the assumption of his own popularity. This is based on the principal that people in general like to be thought of as dimwits, and that the twerp is gracing them with his presence. Poor Vance can’t seem to buy a donut or go into a grocery store without being rejected cold. Apparently, his advance men don’t bother asking if the proprietors of these establishments want to have the Senator busting in on them, or if they’d rather be visited by a migrant gang of organized shoplifters or Eastern European extortionists.
It is tough for a twerp to believe that he is not universally loved. The opposite is true of the cheesedick, a person who has been promoted far beyond his qualifications, and whose insecurity causes him to share his innermost thoughts, no matter how yucky, and to hang with a truly jaw-dropping crowd, just because they are on his side. Ironically, the ultimate cheesedick Veep nominee was a person who lacked any dick at all, save for what she could scour up on the side—Sarah Palin!
Who in America could simultaneously piss off people for having cats and for accusing them of eating them at the same time? Only the Senator. But it’s in the area of association that Vance really gets into the quicksand, appearing on unemployed zombie Tucker Carlson’s podcast right after a guy who claimed that Hitler gassed the Jews of Europe because he secretly had a vast affection for them, and didn’t want them to starve, and being a featured speaker at an event organized by Lance Wallnau, an evangelical “prophet” who had a simple explanation for Trump getting waxed like a linoleum floor by Harris in their debate--Harris used witchcraft!
Yes, the “spirit of Jezebel” moves through the current Veep, and it rendered Trump helpless at the debate. Satan himself has made Trump appear to be an ancient dodderer, plying the same well-worn bullshit over and over, instead of mere time and lack of talent turning Trump into an ancient dodderer, spewing the same bullshit over and over, with an occasional time out for golf.
As a channeler of demonic forces, it is no doubt the opinion of Wallnau that Harris should be burned at the stake, and in the current state of the Secret Service, a guy can only hope that they are still sufficiently organized to prevent that.
But Senator Cheesedick was proud to appear at Wallnau’s event, because he wants the votes of people who believe that Harris is a witch, that Walz is Coach Warlock, and that all the cats of America are demonic familiars who deserve to be made into gumbo by immigrants.
At least the black ones are.
This is not the first time I’ve taken notice of Wallnau over here. I wrote this in 2019, under the title “Anointed Hooker Cake Cures Gay Sinner.” The evangelist mentioned in it is none other than Wallnau.
A Dallas evangelist told his followers that an "anointed cake" baked by "hookers" turned a gay man straight.
The importance of cake in establishing sexual orientation is brought home, and I mean brought home with a police escort, by this story straight out of the Dallas Morning News.
Those who have decried the sincere efforts of Christian bakers not to make cakes for same-sex weddings will have to shut up, as it is now apparent that the Lord works in two ways: 1. Mysteriously. 2. Through cake.
The parable, in which none of the actors are mentioned by name, possibly for legal reasons and also possibly because the speaker of the parable does not wish any of them to dispute the tale, goes as follows: Once there was a bar owned by an anti-Christian gay man. (An ACGM, as he will be referred to in this account from now on, because one thing we can all agree on is that the world needs more acronyms). The bar nonetheless had a Christian regular, and he converted a few of the hookers that hung out at the bar to Christianity.
I hear you skeptics clucking with doubt. Well, bars where hookers hang out with Christians are more common than the naïve among you might think, especially around Republican national conventions.
To celebrate their acceptance of Jesus, the hookers promptly baked a cake, and then “anointed” it. What they anointed it with is not made clear. Whether they prayed over the icing or just dabbed it with a little of the spermicidal jelly they happened to have in their purses will never be known. Whatever they did, the power of Jesus moved through the baked goods, and when the ACGM ate of the cake, he promptly became a straight Christian man, and banged one of the hookers on the bar for her customary rate to celebrate, and in lieu of a tip, gave her free drinks for the weekend.
All right, I made that last part up. Whether the Godly hooker certified the ACGM’s conversion to heterosexuality personally is not made clear by the Morning News account. But it could have happened that way, and how else could we be sure of the truth of this story?
What is important to note is that just as Jesus can make miracles through the sacred sugar and Godly gluten of a hooker cake, so can Satan move through the hot fudge icing of a gay wedding cake. Tales of resolutely Christian men who arrive at a gay wedding in a Dodge Durango extended cab pickup with a gun rack and a hound dog in the bed, take one bite of a gay wedding cake, and then leave in a Mini Cooper convertible with a Bichon Frise next to them in the passenger seat, are no longer to be regarded as merely apocryphal.
And let us hold in our disdain for those good Christian bakers who have forsworn baking cakes that celebrate sodomy. Let us not refer to them as “homophobic, and probably racist and misogynist, too, cracker hypocrites.” Nor shall we call them “hate-filled, Bible-thumping, low-IQ yick-a-doos,” for they are doing God’s work, preventing Lucifer from infesting the flour of Christian cake with his Weevils from Hell.
Also, there are Christian hookers that will make you a cake. But it still costs 500 bucks an hour.
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