Certainly, the type of person who likes to look at pairs of caged plastic animals all day, while reflecting that his or her belief system requires them to think that all of humanity is descended from a small, Middle Eastern family who spent 40 days and 40 nights at sea with a menagerie of grunting, stinking, shitting creatures, may not be so quick to buy six-dollar cotton candy or spend a dime at the Bible-inspired Mall of Jericho.
Clearly, if you look at any town that has prospered from hosting a major tourist attraction or two, like Anaheim or Orlando, the main difference between them and the Kentucky back country* is that their theme parks offer rides. And rides mean kids. And kids mean Mom and Dad spending money. What the Ark needs is a back lot full of Biblically inspired rides. Here’s few ideas:
FALLEN ANGEL ZIP RIDE: Experience the original free fall, of Lucifer getting the boot from Heaven. Feel your underwear flapping all the way to Hell, as you zip from painted clouds above to singing, stabbing animatronic imps below. Height and weight restrictions apply.
HOW LONG CAN YOU TREAD WATER? Not for forty days and nights, that’s for sure, but you can give it a shot in our all deep-end wave ride. Feel what the people of Noah’s day felt when God got sick of their sinful shit. No flotation devices allowed.
FLAT EARTH TEACUPS: Sit in one of these and crank the wheel, and you soon see that the if the Earth was really a spinning ball shooting through space you would be constantly upchucking your lunch, just like you will when this ride is over.
BIBLE THUMPER BUMPER CARS: Being a good Christian means constantly trying to control your sinful impulses. Murder is out, and so is masturbation. There’s nothing like a bumper car ride to harmlessly channel built-up anger or sexual frustration. Bang unto others like others bang unto you. For extra fun, pretend all the other cars are being driven by atheists and Jews. But they’re probably not.
GARDEN OF EDEN JUNGLE CRUISE: Float effortlessly through Paradise, drinking from bubbling Slushie springs and plucking Twinkies from trees, in this genuine reproduction of the world before Adam sinned. But watch out for the snake!
RED SEA CAN’T GET ME! Are you a Moses or a Pharaoh follower? Find out as you dash through a tunnel surrounded by crashing waves. Better make it to the other end before a wall of water flushes you and your chariot away.
That ought to do it for now. Even if the Arksters can’t start construction right away, they should hang up signs saying “Coming in 2018, unless the Rapture comes first,” and believers will be thronging the gates as soon as spring comes to Kentucky.
*We were just kidding about the only difference between Orlando and Anaheim and Kentucky were that the first two had parks with rides. Orlando and Anaheim also have Asians, Mexicans, gay people and foreigners, which you don’t get in Kentucky. And people with dental plans. You don’t see all that many people chewing tobacco, either. And spring starts in March instead of May. We could go on, but you get the picture.