“And that’s saying something,” whispered one source. “We’re talking about old white guys. Lot of small shillelaghs in that demographic, if you know what I mean. But even known micropenises like Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz are hung like herbivores compared to Johnson. Even Marjorie Taylor Greene has it hanging lower, sadly enough.”
How small is small, exactly?
“I’m not at liberty to disclose exact dimensions, but look at his hand size. Even Trump’s got bigger paws than Mike’s meathooks.”
The relation between hand size and penis size has only been established by rumor, not by science, you know.
“Well, there’s also Mike and his wife being extreme Christians. That’s a religion that’s particularly attractive for guys with pitiful penises, since their wives are told they will go to Hell if they seek out a wang that would actually satisfy them.”
Again, a solid argument, but not a solid proof.
“I know he’s tired of the House groupies telling him, ‘Mike, is that a small-caliber bullet in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
You’ve heard this?
“Many times. I mean, that’s why we elected him Speaker. Everyone feels sorry for him, so when we make his life a living nightmare as Speaker, he’s gotten all the sympathy he can handle already.”
You still haven’t convinced me…
“Even Lauren Boebert refuses to rub it.”
Okay. Say no more.