In what might be a fatal blow to his Presidential campaign, this column has obtained secret recordings of former Vice President Joe Biden describing how he used his celebrity to get what he wanted from women.
In the recordings, Biden can be heard to say, shockingly, “You can touch them on the shoulder. You can kiss them lightly on top of their heads. When you’re a Vice President, they let you do anything.
“A lot of times I’ll run across a little girl when I’m campaigning, and just on a whim, I’ll tell her she’s pretty and smart. Why? I don’t know. There’s nothing in it for me. I’ll probably be dead by the time she’s old enough to vote. Call me a sexist, call me old-fashioned, but I still think little girls like to be told they’re pretty and smart.
“The married ones? I move right in on them, like a bitch. Sometimes I’ll reach across their backs and touch them lightly right above the kidney with all four fingertips. (Emphasis mine) If their husbands object, I wink and tell them, ‘Don’t worry. She’s not my type.”
Since these recordings have already been shared with other media outlets, the cries for Biden to quit the race have been almost unanimous from the other Democratic candidates. “Anybody who lightly touches a woman and then immediately removes his hand is not fit to sit in the White House,” said soon-to-be-ex-candidate Kirsten Gillibrand. “It would totally repudiate my successful effort to send Al Franken ice-fishing in Minnesota for good just for goofing around on a comedy tour.”
Bernie Sanders said, “This is bad news for Joe. I never touch women myself. When I’m in front of a woman voter, I just make a little sign of the cross, like the Pope, even though I’m Jewish, and say, 'Your student loan debt is forgiven. They seem to appreciate that much more.”
Amy Klobuchar commented, “I’m Amy Klobuchar. Have you heard of me? I’m Amy Klobuchar.”
Pete Buttigieg went on the record by saying, “Don’t believe Bernie when he says he’s never touched a woman. You can believe me when I say it, though.”
In the recordings, Biden can be heard to say, shockingly, “You can touch them on the shoulder. You can kiss them lightly on top of their heads. When you’re a Vice President, they let you do anything.
“A lot of times I’ll run across a little girl when I’m campaigning, and just on a whim, I’ll tell her she’s pretty and smart. Why? I don’t know. There’s nothing in it for me. I’ll probably be dead by the time she’s old enough to vote. Call me a sexist, call me old-fashioned, but I still think little girls like to be told they’re pretty and smart.
“The married ones? I move right in on them, like a bitch. Sometimes I’ll reach across their backs and touch them lightly right above the kidney with all four fingertips. (Emphasis mine) If their husbands object, I wink and tell them, ‘Don’t worry. She’s not my type.”
Since these recordings have already been shared with other media outlets, the cries for Biden to quit the race have been almost unanimous from the other Democratic candidates. “Anybody who lightly touches a woman and then immediately removes his hand is not fit to sit in the White House,” said soon-to-be-ex-candidate Kirsten Gillibrand. “It would totally repudiate my successful effort to send Al Franken ice-fishing in Minnesota for good just for goofing around on a comedy tour.”
Bernie Sanders said, “This is bad news for Joe. I never touch women myself. When I’m in front of a woman voter, I just make a little sign of the cross, like the Pope, even though I’m Jewish, and say, 'Your student loan debt is forgiven. They seem to appreciate that much more.”
Amy Klobuchar commented, “I’m Amy Klobuchar. Have you heard of me? I’m Amy Klobuchar.”
Pete Buttigieg went on the record by saying, “Don’t believe Bernie when he says he’s never touched a woman. You can believe me when I say it, though.”
RSS Feed
