Disappointment seethed under the White House eaves today as the Nobel Peace prize was awarded to “some Latino broad,” as Stephen Miller put it, instead of Donald Trump.
The Tangerine Tyrant had campaigned hard for the prize, citing not only his engineering a minutes-old cease-fire in Gaza, but the ending of several other wars which either existed only in his aged brain or were not, in fact, ended.
But the peace-loving Norwegians on the Committee turned up their noses at Trump’s whining after the prize. A spokesman for the Committee, Solveig Gudegg, explained:
“Ya, ve could haf ignored the Alligator Alley thing, although the Prize haf never been awarded to anyone who actually ran concentration camps. Und randomly blowing up speedboats—vell, nobody likes speedboats. Ask the orcas. Und zip-tying naked orphans…who hasn’t vanted to do that, especially when they keep crying, crying, crying?
“But ve couldn’t see giving the most prestigious award in the world to a guy who really vas into statutory rape, especially if there’s pictures somewhere. Can you see the caption in the media? “Nobel Peace Prize Winner Vith Naked Thirteen-Year-Old on Lap?” Und someone vould surely Votoshop the Prize hanging between his pale, sagging man-boobs, vile he bounced frightened little girls on his flabby thighs, fondling their budding breasts, leering at their sobs, vit drool running from his lips, while wearing the Nobel.
“Norway vould never recover from the shame. Ve vould haf to become Vest Sveden, or Baja Finland, to escape from the embarrassment.”
“So, Mr. President Trump, you want the Prize? Release the files.”
The Tangerine Tyrant had campaigned hard for the prize, citing not only his engineering a minutes-old cease-fire in Gaza, but the ending of several other wars which either existed only in his aged brain or were not, in fact, ended.
But the peace-loving Norwegians on the Committee turned up their noses at Trump’s whining after the prize. A spokesman for the Committee, Solveig Gudegg, explained:
“Ya, ve could haf ignored the Alligator Alley thing, although the Prize haf never been awarded to anyone who actually ran concentration camps. Und randomly blowing up speedboats—vell, nobody likes speedboats. Ask the orcas. Und zip-tying naked orphans…who hasn’t vanted to do that, especially when they keep crying, crying, crying?
“But ve couldn’t see giving the most prestigious award in the world to a guy who really vas into statutory rape, especially if there’s pictures somewhere. Can you see the caption in the media? “Nobel Peace Prize Winner Vith Naked Thirteen-Year-Old on Lap?” Und someone vould surely Votoshop the Prize hanging between his pale, sagging man-boobs, vile he bounced frightened little girls on his flabby thighs, fondling their budding breasts, leering at their sobs, vit drool running from his lips, while wearing the Nobel.
“Norway vould never recover from the shame. Ve vould haf to become Vest Sveden, or Baja Finland, to escape from the embarrassment.”
“So, Mr. President Trump, you want the Prize? Release the files.”
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