“The Biden administration has been sending pallets of baby formula for illegal mothers and their babies while American mothers and babies cannot find baby formula,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) said at a news conference. “This is completely unacceptable, and this needs to end now.”
I reached out to Joe Redstate, my contact for all things Republican, and was not surprised to find him in complete agreement with the Congressperson from Georgia.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene is probably the greatest American since Abraham Lincoln, or maybe even Rambo,” he told me. “She’s hit the nail on the head again. It’s time to rip the bottles out of those refugee babies’ hands, load them into helicopters and land them in the parking lot of Rite-Aids all over this country, so natural American babies can get the formula they deserve.”
You know, Joe, that these are babies in custody. Their parents aren’t allowed to run out and scavenge AM-PM Minimarts for the last bottle of formula on the shelves.
“They should have thought of that before they started walking here from El Honduras, or wherever. These are filthy, immigrant babies, pal. Probably half of them are smuggling fentanyl in their diapers. They’re plumping up on precious baby formula while American babies have to mix goat’s milk and Captain Crunch in their blenders in order to survive.”
I thought Republicans loved babies.
“We love American babies. We love precious unborn babies, from the moment that little American blastocyst forms after an American uncle rolls off his American niece in back of his shed, until they get to pre-school and we can deny them free lunches. We don’t like foreign babies. They don’t even speak English.”
I think babies can grow up to speak any language you teach them.
“Not these babies. It’ll be ‘Precios Bajas’ and ‘Atencion’ in Walmart as long as we let them in. Americans don’t want to be told to ‘Cuidado.’ Americans want to live better. They don’t want to ‘Vive Mejor.’ They very though of viving mejor sticks in the American craw.”
So, Homeland quits feeding infants in custody. It’s not going to take long before images of famine-bloated refugee babies start popping up in the media.
“Yep. And isn’t that going to play great with the base? We’re getting our messages coordinated right now. MTG wants to go with “Let them eat tacos.”
What if there’s a taco shortage?
“There is? Goddam Biden!”