“Only the Second Coming could eclipse the glory that is Trump seizing the Republican nomination like he was throttling a chicken, and then marching splendiferously to victory in November,” my source for all things Republican, veteran political operator Joe Redstate, said. I could have sworn he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “This is the mentally suspect sexual assaulter that America needs in this desperate national moment. Only Nikki “Nimbooty” Haley stands in his way, and Trump will jump all over her before she can even change her panties in the Bergdorf-Goodman dressing room that is the Republican primary elections.”
Pretty sure 'Nimbooty' is not actually her name, Joe.
“Who cares? Nimbooty, Nimdukie, Nikrama-dama-ding-dong. It’s funny, don’t you think?”
Only people who make fun of the clerk’s accent while they’re buying a Slurpee and pouring whiskey in it surreptitiously at the 7-11 think that, Joe.
“So, a majority of Republican voters. Appealing to them is a part of the Trump genius, buddy. Probably the most stable part.”
But mixing her up with Nancy Pelosi, Joe, is not exactly genius. Also, confusing the woman he raped with one of his ex-wives when he was shown a picture of her during one of his trials doesn’t speak to his mental acuity much. Those are the kinds of mistakes that make non-Republicans think Trump belongs in a nursing home, babbling about immigrants hiding in the hedges and occasionally letting his bathrobe hang open in front of the female staff for fun.
“Bah! That’s just pointless quacking from the lamestream media. Is it really against the law to pull it out in front of one of your exes, or if you think a babe is one of your exes? And if so, should it be? Only a two-tiered justice system makes it so. What if it was just an innocent mistake? Why should Trump be liable? And Haley and Pelosi have very similar middle names.”
Pelosi’s middle name is Patricia, Joe.
“What I said. Anyway, Trump is inevitable, because all of the Republicans who ran against him never raped anybody in a dressing room, and that’s a quality the GOP insists on in a President. DeSantis has never even been in a dressing room, because his wife dresses him and even ties his shoes. Christie couldn’t fit in a dressing room. Vivek orders all his clothes online. Only Trump could be accused of fingering a woman in a department store changing room. That’s why Republicans want him back in the White House.”
But there’s the mental part, Joe. What if Trump wins? And he’s at a critical summit with Kim and Putin, but he can’t remember which one is which?
“I’m sure Steve Bannon will be there to whisper in his ear that Kim’s the fat short one and Putin’s the old short one. The country will be in good hands.”
Or it could end up getting fingered, Joe.