Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

As the Tangerine Drama Queen gets set to brush aside the challenge of Nikki Haley, and surge like a sewage overflow busting over a landfill to the Republican nomination for President, lesser Republicans could not be more enthusiastic about their choice.
 
“Only the Second Coming could eclipse the glory that is Trump seizing the Republican nomination like he was throttling a chicken, and then marching splendiferously to victory in November,” my source for all things Republican, veteran political operator Joe Redstate, said. I could have sworn he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “This is the mentally suspect sexual assaulter that America needs in this desperate national moment. Only Nikki “Nimbooty” Haley stands in his way, and Trump will jump all over her before she can even change her panties in the Bergdorf-Goodman dressing room that is the Republican primary elections.”
 
Pretty sure 'Nimbooty' is not actually her name, Joe.
 
“Who cares? Nimbooty, Nimdukie, Nikrama-dama-ding-dong. It’s funny, don’t you think?”
 
Only people who make fun of the clerk’s accent while they’re buying a Slurpee and pouring whiskey in it surreptitiously at the 7-11 think that, Joe.
 
“So, a majority of Republican voters. Appealing to them is a part of the Trump genius, buddy. Probably the most stable part.”
 
But mixing her up with Nancy Pelosi, Joe, is not exactly genius. Also, confusing the woman he raped with one of his ex-wives when he was shown a picture of her during one of his trials doesn’t speak to his mental acuity much. Those are the kinds of mistakes that make non-Republicans think Trump belongs in a nursing home, babbling about immigrants hiding in the hedges and occasionally letting his bathrobe hang open in front of the female staff for fun.
 
“Bah! That’s just pointless quacking from the lamestream media. Is it really against the law to pull it out in front of one of your exes, or if you think a babe is one of your exes? And if so, should it be? Only a two-tiered justice system makes it so.  What if it was just an innocent mistake? Why should Trump be liable? And Haley and Pelosi have very similar middle names.”
 
Pelosi’s middle name is Patricia, Joe.
 
“What I said. Anyway, Trump is inevitable, because all of the Republicans who ran against him never raped anybody in a dressing room, and that’s a quality the GOP insists on in a President. DeSantis has never even been in a dressing room, because his wife dresses him and even ties his shoes. Christie couldn’t fit in a dressing room. Vivek orders all his clothes online. Only Trump could be accused of fingering a woman in a department store changing room. That’s why Republicans want him back in the White House.”
 
But there’s the mental part, Joe. What if Trump wins? And he’s at a critical summit with Kim and Putin, but he can’t remember which one is which?
 
“I’m sure Steve Bannon will be there to whisper in his ear that Kim’s the fat short one and Putin’s the old short one. The country will be in good hands.”
 
Or it could end up getting fingered, Joe.
​

So, you want to be an alpha male. Good for you! It has never been a better era for alpha males. In olden times, which you should look back on fondly as an alpha, alpha malehood was achieved by conquest of other nations or massive murders in your own. Genghis Khan. Alexander. Napoleon. Vlad Dracula.
 
Thank God, all you have to do nowadays is proclaim yourself an alpha on the Internet, and there you are! A fully dominant guy-dude. Think Charlie Kirk. Matt Walsh. Nick Adams. These are men who loudly claim their alpha status on the Web, in podcasts, and on right-wing networks with other headlines like “Is Hillary Clinton a Pedophile or a Drug Fiend?”
 
But, you need to follow the rules. Let’s go through them.
 
First off, don’t care about women, especially their feelings, and, even worse, their orgasms. You can collect women. You can discard them. You can complain about the sandwiches you command them to make.
 
There are certain women you are required to despise. Greta Thunberg, Barbie, Taylor Swift, even though Barbie is not a real woman. She is either a doll or a movie, depending on how old you are. Call Thunberg anything you want. Even “little retard” is not beyond the pale. Call Taylor Swift anything you want, too. Just make sure you are a least a plane flight away from her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, when you do, because he could beat you into bean paste.
 
Does that make Travis Kelce an alpha? No. He probably cares about Swift’s orgasms. Deal-breaker. Instead, reserve your admiration for other, alphi-er sports figures, like ayahuasca-addled Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, who crowned himself alpha when he embezzled food-stamp money to build a soccer stadium.
 
You need to be a Christian. This may seem counter-intuitive. Why shouldn’t an alpha worship gods like Thor, Odin and Zeus, gods who make ready use of hammers and thunderbolts to destroy their enemies, instead of that turn-the-other-cheek guy, Jesus Christ? Well, Christ won out over those other supernatural beings in the end, which makes Him dominant, despite some of his squishy public statements. He never actually said, “Establish the patriarchy,” but guess what? He did. Also, you can read all the Norse and Roman legends you want, and you’ll never see an account of goddesses Hera or Frieda making anybody a sandwich.
 
Obviously, you can worry that this smears the reputation of historical alphas like Julius Caesar, who did his alpha-ing BC. Calm down. Back then, you didn’t have to be Christian to be alpha. Conquering Gaul did the trick. Also, having fifteen of your best friends stab you to death is an alpha way to go, for sure, and, thanks to the power of the Internet, you probably have at least fifteen people who would like to kill you right now. Revel in it.
 
Above all, enjoy the power of whining. Whining was not permitted for historical alphas. Tamerlane conquered Asia without complaining about the work of beheading whole cities. William the Conqueror seized Saxon England without bitching about having to learn a new language. Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the globe without pissing and moaning about scurvy and syphilis.
 
But we alphas of the modern era have the freedom to whine, thanks to our iconic hero, Donald Trump, who never ceases to complain about the circumstances that have made him possibly a billionaire and the most powerful Republican on Earth. Winge constantly. Whimper when you go out to dinner and people attack you for being an asshole while you are trying to enjoy some alpha food, like baby lamb chops or a whole ox haunch. Complain loudly when some feminist denigrates your whole existence in some putrid liberal rag like Vanity Fair. Cry in your beer all you want, although make sure you’re not crying into a Bud Light.
 
Above all, bully. Don’t call it that, though. It’s just exercising your tendency to be dominant. Sneer at the weak. Park in the handicapped spot. Make fun of foreigners and their accents. Shrug your shoulders at school shootings. Shove short people out of your way. Kick stray dogs.
 
After all, the world is yours. But, to be on the safe side, clasp your AR-15 to your bosom at night.

​“On June 14, 1946, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, ‘I need a caretaker.’ So God gave us Trump.” (Excerpted from a YouTube video reposted by Trump on Truth Social)
 
I knew I’d be hearing from the Almighty about this video as soon as I read about it. Sure enough, He pulled up in my condo’s driveway, wheels squealing. This time He was driving a monstrous Cadillac Escalade. (Our HOA had put up NO CHARIOT PARKING signs, due to someone complaining about the Heavenly Horses pooping on the pavement, and even He apparently saw the wisdom of not messing with the HOA.)
 
I could tell He was mad. “Nice ride,” I said, hoping to calm Him down.
 
“Yep,” He said, grimly. “Perfect for fitting 15 preschoolers in. And then pushing it over a cliff.”
 
“Let’s not go there. That killing all the first-born thing. I thought You said You were giving that up.”
 
“I did, didn’t I? And the flooding—I swore off that, too, but when I heard about Trump claiming I personally designed him to save America, I looked down here and My first thought was that the place could use another good hosing down.”
 
He was an angry God, that was for sure. He had even neglected his grooming. His magnificent head of white hair needed brushing, and there were bits of manna stuck between His teeth. I figured He had gotten the Trump news right after breakfast.  I tried placating Him. “Don’t You, in fact, make everybody?”
 
“Technically, yes, but I don’t get buried in the details. Trump’s conception was particularly grisly. Fred and Mary were celebrating kicking their last black tenant out of one of their buildings with shots of schnapps. The sex was more or less accidental, also clumsy and unsatisfying, particularly for Mary. Nine months later, a sniveling sack of self-important shit was born. I should have given the little wretch polio while it was still available.”
 
“What I’m taking from this is that You don’t personally make anybody.”
 
“Mostly, no. Well, I did make Gal Godot."
 
“Gal Godot? Why her?”

“Mostly for My Son. After 2,000 years, you have to figure He’s tired of Mary Magdalene. I certainly am, and not just because she ends every sentence with her signature phrase, ‘and shit.’ The Prince of Heaven deserves another nice, hot, Jewish girl. It’s My small way of saying “Sorry,” for the whole Crucifixion deal.”
 
“She certainly has a better body than Trump.”
 
“Every hippo in the African swamps has a better body than Trump. That’s no accident.”
 
“But You let him become President.”
 
‘Hell, I believed all the polls about Hillary winning, just like everybody else. Am I going to let it happen again? Probably not, but America has been so blessed by Me. You’ve got the best porn, the best weed and the fastest Internet. Do you deserve Round Two of the worst President?”
 
“Well, do we?”
 
“Ask your Magic 8-Ball. Why do you think I invented it? Adios.”
 
He left in what I thought was a considerably calmer mood, even stopping to check both ways before He backed out onto the street. He didn’t want to send anybody accidentally into Heaven, I expect. So, I’m not foreseeing any plagues, locusts or terrible swift swords as a result of the Trump video. But, I wouldn’t re-post it.
 
Just to be on the safe side.

​Our last Republican President went after our first one last week, in a stream of unconsciousness rant fueled, perhaps by the adoration of a rally cloud and maybe a little ketamine, in Newton, Iowa. The Tangerine Drama Queen implied that Lincoln’s failure to avoid the Civil War was due to the Great Emancipator’s lack of negotiation skills. As Trump put it:
 
“So many mistakes were made (in the run-up to the war). See, there was something I think could have been negotiated, to be honest with you,” Trump said. “I think you could have negotiated that.”
 
Lincoln’s failure to match wits with the secessionists would not have been repeated by Trump, is the Trump opinion on the Civil War. A man who could nearly operate a few casinos in New Jersey before declaring bankruptcy could have avoided the Nation’s quarrel over slavery with the sheer force of his business acumen. Trump also suggested that Lincoln would not have the same historical cachet “if he negotiated it.”
 
So, Lincoln staged the conflict for the free publicity, in the mind of Trump. That is why Trump would have done it, of course, and ascribing our own motivations to our rivals, even historical ones, is a common human error. It’s all the more surprising, then, that there are so many parallels between the public statements of Trump and of Lincoln. Consider this:
 
LINCOLN: "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in.”
 
TRUMP: “You should all stay in those voting booths. You should stay there and watch it. If you see bags of crap coming into the voting areas, you’ve got to stop it.”
 
The sentiments expressed here are almost identical, especially if Lincoln had used “bags of crap” instead of “None” and “All.” “"With malice toward these bags of crap, with charity for all these bags of crap” etc., Lincoln could have approached the eloquence of Trump, and burnished his place in history. But the guy on the five-dollar-bill hid behind indefinite pronouns.
 
LINCOLN: “If we do our duty we shall succeed in the congressional election, but if we relax an iota, we shall be beaten.”
 
TRUMP: “RIGGED AND STOLEN!”
 
Again, the neutral observer is struck by the ability of Trump to cut to the chase instead of concealing his message in lofty rhetoric. Did Lincoln really deserve to have a whole car division at Ford Motors named after him, one wonders?
 
LINCOLN: “To the support of the Constitution and Laws, let every American pledge his life, his property, and his sacred honor.”
 
TRUMP: “A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles, even those found in the Constitution.”
 
At first glance, these statements imply entirely different understandings of the Constitution by Trump and Lincoln. At second glance, they do as well. At third look…well, you get the picture. Just a couple more quotes by both men, which I will refrain from remarking on:
 
LINCOLN: “I never despair of sustaining myself before the people upon any measure that will stand a full investigation.”
 
TRUMP: “WITCH HUNT!
 
LINCOLN: “It is an old and a true maxim, that a "drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.'' So with men. If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.”
 
TRUMP: “VERMIN!”
 
LINCOLN: “But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.”
 
TRUMP: “LOSERS!”
 
It is the historians that will judge the relative Presidencies of Lincoln and Trump, of course, and no doubt they are booting up their word processors with gleeful anticipation at the work ahead. Mr. I Have a Monument vs. Mr. I Have a Golf Course in New Jersey And One in Scotland, too? It is bound to be a controversy that echoes down the ages.
 
To which Lincoln already belongs. And so, hopefully very soon, will Trump.

​Amid the hoo-hoo and boo-rah surrounding Colorado and Maine’s  decision to leave Trump off their ballots, the response of the Tangerine Drama Queen and his supporters has been a yowling for democracy so loud they sound as if they are being knifed by whole caravan of illegal immigrants.
 
“Let the people decide!!” they shout.  “We're hollering in favor of the glory of the people’s vote! Why should Trump be subject to some stinky old Constitutional amendment that the Democrats dusted off to interfere with the election?”
 
This sounded distinctly different than the Republican position following the 2020 election, when many GOPers advocated tossing the ballots of entire cities like Detroit and Philadelphia into Lake Huron and the Delaware River, respectively. I called up my old pal, veteran Republican operative Joe Redstate, to see if he could plausible his way out of this implausible contradiction. He was up to the task.
 
“Easy, peasy,” he replied. “When a man in a pickup truck in which all the presets on the radio are set to country-western stations votes Republican, especially if he browbeats his wife into voting Republican, too, that vote is the vote our forefathers fought to preserve. When people of color take public transportation to wait in long lines to vote for Democrats, those are votes that are immediately suspect.”
 
How’s that, Joe?
 
“These so-called voters are the people that make Republicans lock their SUV doors when they get off at the wrong exit and accidentally drive through their neighborhoods. Their votes should be looked upon with deep suspicion just because of that. Besides, do you realize how many fake ballots you can stuff in a bus?”
 
You could stuff fake ballots in the back of a pickup truck, too, Joe.
 
“Not if it’s already full of Trump flags, pal. Same thing when our greatest President ever calls up state officials and asks them to find more votes for him. He’s just doing his duty for democracy, which Democrats are going to destroy if they keep winning elections. When Mark Meadows put together slates of fake electors and tried to slip them to the coward Pence through Lindsey Graham's favorite glory hole in a men’s room at the Capitol, right before a couple thousand American patriots broke through to have a peaceful demonstration on January 6th, he was giving that mealy-mouthed holy roller a chance to save the votes of people who voted for Trump, so doing his duty for actual Americans.”
 
Speaking of that riot…
 
“What riot? It was a perfectly normal tourist visit.”
 
Normal tourists don’t carry pepper spray and batons, Joe, or poop on the Capitol tiles.
 
“If tourists were better-armed, buddy, there would be a lot fewer crimes against tourists. And you can hardly blame MAGA for the fact that there aren’t enough toilets in the Capitol to accommodate the bathroom needs of a couple thousand people who have been drinking adult beverages and eating cold possum sandwiches all day. That was on Nancy Pelosi, dude.”
 
So, Trump, who ended his speech that day with ‘If you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore,’ didn’t inspire that riot?
 
“Hell, no. Not in the least. That’s all that druggie Jack Smith’s idea. Did you know Smith has been snorting the ayahuasca with Aaron Rodgers?”
 
No, missed that one.
 
“You need to listen to Joe Rogan more, man."
 
So, if Trump had ended his speech with the vastly more honest, ‘If you don’t fight like hell, you won’t have Trump as your President anymore,’ maybe there wouldn’t have been an insurrection?
 
“Yeah, maybe. But then we wouldn’t have saved democracy, sport.”