Fri, 01 May 2026 15:15:44 -0700WeeblyFri, 01 May 2026 21:26:11 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/the-things-you-should-be-thinking-about-instead-of-the-epstein-files

You haven’t been thinking about the Epstein files lately, and that’s fair, because a lot of other stuff has been going on. The STRAIT OF HORMUZ, for example (sometimes called the STRAIGHT OF HORMUZ on Twitter/X by Republican commentators, or the GAY OF HORMUZ by sarcastic lefties) a treacherous, narrow passage on the other side of the world, which is blocked more often than a college freshman on a first date, has been on the top of the news charts for a month. “This strait is a unique geographical feature,” we are told, but no one adds, “But so is EPSTEIN ISLAND.”
 
THE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT was foremost on everyone’s mind for a few days there, and Trump’s subsequent whining after a BALLROOM. At least he isn’t complaining that he doesn’t have AN UNDERAGE SEX RANCH IN NEW MEXICO, which Epstein enjoyed.  
 
JAMES COMEY THREATENING THE PRESIDENT’S LIFE WITH A SEASHELL ARRANGEMENT is a critical moment of national peril, according to Todd Blanche and Kash Patel, who are little licky lapdogs for Trump, and also the Attorney General and the FBI director, respectively. These 35 or so seashells, arranged on an East Coast beach, and merely photographed by Comey, are what we need to focus on, rather that the 1.5 MILLION EPSTEIN DOCUMENTS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN RELEASED YET.
 
RACCOON PENIS. Just think about RACCOON PENIS for a minute, instead of all those moldy old privileged penises that were waved in little girl’s faces by EPSTEIN’S CLIENTS. Okay, you don’t want to? Well, RFK, Jr. tried. Kudos to the Secretary of Roadkill.
 
YOUR NEXT PASSPORT WILL HAVE A PICTURE OF TRUMP ON IT. Will this lead to an epidemic of people wiping themselves with their passports? Only time will tell, but at least it’s not a picture of TRUMP WITH EPSTEIN, even though there were many of those to choose from.
 
MELANIA WANTS JIMMY KIMMEL FIRED. The First Lady pretended to be offended by the comedian, when he remarked that she might soon be a widow, even though it’s obvious to everybody that she, like many, many other people worldwide, prays every day for a clump of cholesterol formed from one of Trump’s daily cheeseburgers to break loose and clog up one of his vital organs. At least she just wants Kimmel’s job. She doesn’t want him to BE FOUND HUNG IN A JAIL CELL UNDER EXTREMELY QUESTIONABLE CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE EPSTEIN WAS.
 
There you have it. Stuff for you to contemplate, instead of things like Trump being an adjudicated rapist, with at least twenty-four women having accused him of sexual assault, and the owner of an underage beauty pageant whose naked backstage he habituated. All this is a matter of record, but you need to believe he nonetheless never, ever, not even once, took advantage of one of his pal EPSTEIN’S offers to fix him up with a scared shitless and doubtless completely revolted teenage girl.
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Trump always checked ID before he raped someone.

That’s what you should be thinking.

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]]>Mon, 09 Mar 2026 23:53:18 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/acid-rain-toxic-smoke-smell-like-freedom-says-hegseth

In a recent strike in the Iranian war, oil depots were hit hard in Tehran, resulting in a downpour of acid rain and a thick miasma of toxic smoke billowing over the Iranian capital. Secretary of War Pete “Make Sure You Get My Good Side” Hegseth declared the raids a resounding blow for the freedom of the Iranian masses.

“Oppressed people everywhere know when the air is sludgy with multiple carcinogens, liberty is right around the corner. Acid downpours washing through the gutters of Tehran are a sparkling harbinger of personal freedoms being restored.

“Make the atmosphere smell like ten thousand buckets of asphalt being poured at once, and the Iranians will know that their right to protest is being restored. Let them throw off the chains of religious slavery, and enjoy the bounty of freedom’s goodness for a few years, before they have to put on the hospital gowns of tumor patients and the oxygen masks of COPD sufferers.

“Iranian women trying to get their asthmatic babies to breathe know that, even though right now their little Ali's and Mohammed's are struggling to suck the oxygen out of air that is churning with the poisonous byproducts of chemicals that were never meant to be joined together in fire, they will soon rejoice as they throw away their hijabs.

“Anyone who loves liberation like I do wishes they could be there, in Tehran in the morning, and fill their lungs with the burning fumes as the sun rises.
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“I bet it smells like victory.”

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]]>Sun, 25 Jan 2026 18:49:36 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/icu-nurses-all-ticking-time-bombs-says-homeland-security

The death of another Minnesotan at the hands of ICE has provoked a national outcry. Border Patrol head honcho Dan Bovino has stood by his claim that Alex Pretti was a danger to ICE officers, and deserved to be pepper-sprayed, disarmed, and shot in the back while he was lying in the street. As a DHS spokesman explained:
 
“A lot of this liberal outrage stems from the fact that the guy was an ICU nurse. ICU nurses are mistakenly thought to be well-trained professionals, with a calm bedside manner consistent with treating the gravely ill people whose lives are in their hands. In particular, whiny leftists are crying about Pretti being an ICU nurse in a VA hospital, entrusted with the care of those who have served this country, as if that entitled him in some ACLU fantasy world not to be shot down in public.
 
“Nothing could be further from the truth. ICU nurses are inherently mentally unstable. Many times, beneath that caring exterior there beats the heart of a leftist terrorist, who can’t wait to ‘pull the plug’ on ICE patriots, who are only doing their job, tear-gassing protesters and knocking woman around.
 
“The fact is, all that beeping and booping, all those IV tubes and dangling electrodes, the pressure of herding their patients away from the Tunnel of Light, makes your average ICU nurse a slobbering sociopath by the time they clock out. And if that nurse choses to head to a protest against ICE getting their hands on more schoolchildren and their parents and swiftly ejecting them from America, as your president promised, instead of having a bottle of wine and watching Netflix, he’s on his own, as far as getting mercilessly shot to death goes.
 
“The VA angle makes a guy like Pretti even more dangerous. PTSD is thought by some to be contagious, and those hospitals are full of guys passing around PTSD germs. That nurse might have thought he was in the jungles of Nam or the streets of Baghdad when he went after ICE, and in some hallucinatory way, imagined he was going up against Charlie or a bunch of dead-ender hajis, and had to be drilled full of hot lead to save American law-enforcement lives.
 
“He could have been affected by vaccine-shedding, too, because Biden made all those guys get vaccinated. Vaccine shedding is thought to cause mental confusion and psychotic behavior, especially by people who aren’t really scientists but shit their pants about vaccines. I refer you to RFK Jr., our Secretary of Health, on the dangers of getting vaccinated for anything, or even of hanging out with people who are vaccinated, which Pretti certainly did.
 
“So, sad as him getting pumped full of bullets while lying face down of the street may have been, it may not have been this deranged nurse’s fault.
 
“It was probably Biden’s.”

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]]>Mon, 19 Jan 2026 21:10:33 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/why-the-naranja-nitwit-wants-greenland

Why does Trump want Greenland? The island’s main export is icebergs. It’s covered by a massive ice sheet miles thick in spots, making building hotels there mighty dicey. Its population, despite its massive square mileyness, is only about the same as Chester, Pennsylvania, sixty thousand or so, and, like that slum city on the Delaware River, hardly any of them play golf.

It’s not about strategy. Trump never has a strategy. Trump is not playing three-dimensional chess with Putin and XI, who clean his clock on a regular basis. He’s playing Chutes and Ladders with the My Pillow guy, who always lets him win.
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We don’t need Greenland to defend America. We already have a military base in Greenland, where America’s brave service people stand on guard against America’s enemies and theirs, which are intense boredom, seasonal affective disorder and the occasional hungry polar bear. If we want to expand our military footprint, frozen wasteland-wise, we already have Greenland’s advance permission to build as many more military bases there as we want, as long as we are willing to chip away glaciers to situate them.

Greenland has no oil fields. There are no Danish oil tankers full of Greenland crude for Trump to seize, even if he sent Delta Force to kidnap the King of Denmark.

Greenland has rare earth minerals, which are buried underneath the above-mentioned miles of ice. Not exactly handy, but Trump raves about rare earths all the time, even though he wouldn’t know a rare earth if it swallowed him up whole.

Just today Trump explained that he needed to have Greenland because he was not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He sent a letter to the government of Norway, which does not award the Prize, saying that since he didn’t get it, he was giving the whole concept of peace the finger, as if it was merely an auto worker in Detroit.

No, the reason Trump wants Greenland is because by annexing this gigantic freezer-land in the Arctic, the US will become a bigger nation than Canada. You can check this on Google. It will be the second-largest nation on Earth, in terms of square miles, even though, like Canada’s, many of them will be square miles full of frozen moose shit. In size, it will trail only his buddy Putin’s Russia.

Unlike strategy, “bigger’ is a concept Trump understands, like “gold airplane” and “pussy.” He wants Greenland like a six-year-old wants the biggest piece of cake at a birthday party, like a pubescent jock wants the girl with the biggest boobs, or like that asshole at the country club that everybody secretly hates wants the nicest golf cart.

It’s that simple.

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]]>Thu, 08 Jan 2026 16:53:39 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/shoot-them-like-they-were-puppies-says-noem

Homeland Security head Kristi Noem defended the shooting of an unarmed mother of three in Minneapolis recently, saying that, among other things, the killing of a female white US citizen shows that ICE doesn’t engage in racial profiling.
 
“Say it loud. She was white and ka-powed!” Noem said at a news conference. “There’s your proof that we don’t just arrest, beat, torture and kill Hispanics. Anybody who is in the country illegally, supports people who are in the country illegally, or just drives past an ICE checkpoint and gives us one of her stubby, fat, disrespectful fingers, is subject to ICE justice.
 
“This terrorist mom was obviously trying to run over as many ICE agents as she could in her battering-ram of an SUV, which she had turned into a weapon of mass destruction immediately after dropping her kids off at school. Her hands were on the steering wheel, which ICE officers knew meant she could turn it in any direction, and her foot was on the accelerator, meaning she could stomp on it at any time and mow down multiple brave American law enforcers, if she hadn’t been shot three times in the face by a quick-thinking member of the task force.
 
“The fact that apparently the agent who shot this radical left mommy immediately left the scene should not be construed as an admission of guilt, an attack of conscience, or an unwillingness to answer simple questions like, ‘What the FUCK, bro?’
 
“It is a mark of our concern for our officers that we chased him down and made him got to the hospital for treatment of possible, or possibly pretend, injuries. Nobody in this room knows what goes through an officer’s head when he pops three caps into an unarmed woman’s brain, and I resent the suggestion that he was thinking, 'This will take their minds off the Epstein files, for sure.'

"This is a man who needs time to recover, not a guy who deserves to be questioned and charged with murder by Minnesota cops under the supervision of their Somali-loving governor.
 
“While we're here, tell me--do I need to unbutton another button on this blouse?”

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]]>Thu, 01 Jan 2026 16:59:06 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/republicans-erupt-as-joe-biden-goes-on-vacationNew face, same bullshit

Fox News’s Tomi Lahren, normally paid by that network to promote racial hatred, switched gears and brought in the New Year by savagely attacking 83-year-old former President Joe Biden for going on vacation.
 
The elderly cancer sufferer flew to St Croix with his family for fun in the sun last week, prompting Republican outrage. Lahren, who was substituting for Sean Hannity, who is on vacation, too, and probably sitting close enough to Biden to borrow sunscreen from him, mouthed right-wing disgust at the former Commander-in-Chief through her newly renovated face. “Just because he’s retired doesn’t mean he gets to sprawl in tropical sands. Shouldn’t he be collecting back issues of the Reader’s Digest for his Presidential library? How about a part-time gig? Or is he too weak from a deadly disease to say, ‘Welcome to Walmart?’ Probably not, but Biden chooses to slurp virgin coladas in the sun instead, like a typical work-adverse Democrat. And he's just a yacht ride away from Epstein Island.
 
“The way former Democratic Presidents jet around the world, making personal appearances anywhere they want, getting millions from book sales and generally being beloved and popular, is what’s wrong with this country. Why can’t they be like former President Bush, and hunker down in Texas because if they leave the USA, they might be arrested for war crimes? That’s why Democrats make weak Presidents. They don’t protect and inspire the American people by committing criminal acts.
 
“Certainly, you won’t be able to say that about President Trump, who will retire as the healthiest ex-President in history. The Hague will be all over his hiney, for saving countless American lives by blowing up fishermen in the Caribbean. The forthcoming invasions of Venezuela, Greenland and possibly Canada might be regarded as violations of international law, and, instead of giving him the Nobel Peace Prize like he deserves, for ending, by then, at least sixty wars, weak and whiny globalists everywhere might call for his prosecution. It’s safe to say he’ll be staying at Mar al Lago after his Presidency, leaving his home only to get the occasional perfect MRI.
 
“Unlike Biden, Trump will set a good example for the American people, instead of listening to steel drum bands and dancing the calypso all night long in St. Croix. He’ll golf every day and call people losers every night on social media, just like he does now.
 
“It’ll be like he never left.”

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]]>Mon, 08 Dec 2025 15:22:46 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/department-of-war-will-not-be-targeting-billy-who-sells-fentanyl-down-by-the-monument

Despite cranking plenty of Tomahawks into the Caribbean targeting “drug runners” in small boats, Secretary Hegseth has announced that local fentanyl dealer Billy, whom you can cop off of down by the monument nearly every night, will not be subject to sudden, guided missile death for dealing drugs.

“Everybody knows Billy’s had a tough life, especially the people he sells drugs to, because he tells them about it. Growing up with a single mom, enduring a series of her abusive boyfriends, getting slices of bologna in his stocking for Christmas…If he’s in one of his yacky moods, we have to listen to his life story over and over again when we just want to buy an eighth, jet out of there, puff a little China White and watch Family Guy reruns.

“But nobody wants to see him blown into fragments by the Navy using air-to-surface missiles. I mean, they could arrest him and put him on trial and give him the death penalty, I guess, but even that seems a little extreme. He’s the town’s only drug dealer, and a lot of people would hate to lose him. I mean, sure, he’s as guilty of at least as many crimes as Laura Loomer’s plastic surgeon, but even if all he feels like saying sometimes is “You got the money?” he says it in English.

“So, I’m glad to hear the governments going to continue to destroy drug vessels in the Caribbean but leave natural American pushers alone.
 
“Blow up boats. Don’t blow up Billy.”

“Put that on Facebook and you’ll be getting some likes, pal."

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]]>Wed, 03 Dec 2025 16:28:27 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/franklin-the-turtle-ordered-second-strike-says-white-house

Amid all the confusion about who actually approved the second missile that blew up a couple of brown guys clinging to the wreckage of their panga in the Caribbean a few weeks ago, a new suspect has emerged—Franklin the Turtle.
 
Franklin, a children’s book hero, notable for heartwarming, lesson-teaching books such as Franklin Goes to School and Franklin Runs Away, had his darker nature revealed by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, in a Tweet celebrating the double-tap elimination of two guys panicking in Spanish right before a missile that cost more than their entire village blew them into chum.
 
Franklin’s hatred of (alleged) narco-terrorists came as a surprise to his publisher, who tweeted back “Dude, what the fuck?” to Hegseth, when it was revealed that Franklin, far from being an inoffensive cartoon character whose job is to teach first-graders that life isn’t nearly as scary as it sometimes seems to be is, secretly, the leader of Turtle Team Six, whose job is to make fisherman shit their shorts in crystal blue tropical waters, right before a Hellfire missile turns them into chunk bait.
 
A spokesperson for the Department explained that “Secretary Hegseth personally admires the Franklin books and is someday looking forward to finishing the entire Franklin series.”
 
When asked why the secretary didn’t employ the services of turtles with more of a combat reputation, i.e., those of the Teenage Mutant Ninja variety, the spokesman replied, “Those turtles are from New York City, so they are suspected Socialists. Besides, Secretary Hegseth has finished all of Mutant Turtles comic books and given most of his favorites to Kash Patel.”

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]]>Mon, 24 Nov 2025 15:52:20 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/queen-rat-deserts-sinking-ship-and-other-news-of-the-week

Even the dumbest rat knows when to gnaw its way into a lifeboat, and the Space Laser Lady, sensing that flagship MAGA was getting set to disappear beneath the polling waves, started paddling away from the oncoming disaster last week.
 
In what direction she is rowing no one knows, probably not even herself. Probably towards a fantasy island where health care is cheap, gas is two bucks a gallon, and the Epstein files are carved into stone in front of every public building in Georgia, right underneath the Ten Commandments.
 
Old Cootchie Collar promptly called her a traitor, but stopped short of calling for her immediate death. Then, empowered by the mental energy that comes with being able to correctly identify the outline of a giraffe, he demanded the public execution of six Congresspeople. Gone was his and his base's sobbing over the role of violent rhetoric in the assassination of Charlie “I Don’t Know How My Wife Will Go On Without Me” Kirk. He even tagged George Washington in his post, alleging that the First President had an affection for sudden, mindless, unadjudicated hangings.
 
Speaking of Washington, how many other Presidents does anybody think the Fascist Fucknut can name off the top of his head? The guess here is probably about six, especially if he gets to mention Obama twice.
 
He then welcomed international killer-billionaire-head-of-state Mohammed bin Salman to the White House, in a manner so obsequious that it stopped just short of Trump offering to lick the smell of camel hump off of bin Salman's ass.
 
Continuing to bone-saw his way through the week, the Caucasian-in-Chief treated himself to a pop-in audience with the newly elected Mayor of New York, Zohran Mamdani, a man Trump has called a Communist more times than he’s tried to finger-fuck Pam Bondi, and greeted him just as warmly as he had the Middle Eastern torture tyrant, probably because the man styles his facial hair in a far more flattering manner than J D Vance, Trump’s own Vice-Beardo.
 
Finally, in a demonstration that his grey matter has more black holes in it than Stephen Hawking ever discovered in the space-time continuum, The Nobel Peace Putz offered a peace plan to Zelensky that consists of him leaving the keys to half of Ukraine in a garage in the Donbas, and letting Putin pick them up there like it was an Air BNB rental.
 
Next week we may see the start of a war against a relatively helpless South American nation on bogus pretenses. Currently the plans for combat are called Operation Southern Spear, Southern Spear being a favored username by Secretary of War Pete “How Do You Like This Suit on Me?” Hegseth on Grindr, but which are currently referred to in the high halls of the Pentagon, with much head-shaking as Operation Jeffery Who?
 
Missing those days when he just went golfing. I am, I am.

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]]>Sat, 15 Nov 2025 22:45:44 GMThttps://www.richardcahill.net/home/magnet-man-attacks-space-laser-lady

Magnet Man, the All-Powerful Attractor, has thrown down the gauntlet to former ally Space Laser Lady over the Felonious Files of super villain Dead Jeffrey, former master of Girls Who Ought to be Babysitting Instead Island.
 
Other heroes of the Justice for Us League are said to be uniting behind Magnet Man. The heir apparent to the throne of Justice for Us, often abbreviated as Just Us, Vance Whom the Furniture Fears, sometimes called the Beardo, is steadfast in his support of Magnet Man. Bannon the Bold, also known as Crust Man, dismisses the defection of Space Laser Lady as inconsequential. “Third Termer vs Horse Dewormer,” he says scornfully of the conflict, and Bobby Brain Wormer agrees. So does Patel, the Cross-Eyed Seer.
 
The powerful super females of Just Us agree as well. ICE Kristal and Pam the Indicter are both sure that Space Laser Lady was merely jealous of their looks and the fact that, unlike both of them, Magnet Man had never tried to slide his powerful Digit underneath Space Laser Lady’s disguise.
 
Some are staying above the fray. Elon the Magic Martian, being somewhat estranged from the Magnet Man himself, is said to be staying hidden at his Fortress of Kleptitude, keeping his first trillion dollars warm. Boebert, the Wicked Skank of the West, is said to have a firm grip on any developments, as usual.
 
The falling-out has only emboldened the other super-hero alliance, The DEI Rangers. Despite losing its nominal queen, Pelosi the Aged, the Rangers are nonetheless moving in. Schumer the Waffler also seems ready to give way to a new coalition of younger powers, led by Peter the Gay Dad and Shapiro the Swing Stater. Zohran the Sultan of Mamdani and the AOC the Socialist Sweet Thing are standing by in the left wing.
 
But willing to go toe-to-toe with Magnet Man is Sir Gavin of the Good Hair. Radiating rizz from every product-dolloped follicle, the crafty Californian has moved up the sidekick ranks to dominate the ranks of the opposition. His matchup against the Beardo as the decade draws to a close seems all but assured.
 
Look for the next issue at a newsstand near you.

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