Officially, he’s not worried about his own t-count. I don’t know why—any American guy who has ever been in even one bar fight, no matter how badly he lost it, takes a look at Tucker Carlson and thinks to himself, “Well, I could kick his ass for sure.”
There is some evidence that testosterone levels in Western countries are falling, although with Jackass movies still being made and watched and teenagers wearing bulletproof vests shooting at other with live ammunition, some people think they are not falling fast enough.
Most experts think the decline is due to environmental factors, but Tucker thinks us guys are just not getting enough sun on our cajones. Testicle tanning, he claims, results in hormonal surges for those with heroically sun-browned nut sacks.
He offers little evidence to support this theory. History doesn’t really back it up, either. Vikings, whose only career option was raping and pillaging, activities which require huge stones, carried out their raids with testicles of pure alabaster, owing to the cold climate and constant cloud cover over their native Scandinavia. There are many photos of D-Day, and not one shows any hero of that greatest amphibious battle in history snagging some rays on his balls prior to storming ashore. If the bravery of Navy Seals could be explained by them exposing their bulging trouser tangerines to sunshine, in a secret training ritual called Operation SPF Zero, why hasn’t this secret leaked out?
Volodymyr Zelensky, the man with the heaviest documented sack weight on the planet, has not confessed to sneaking off to a bomb shelter with a sunlamp and dropping his pants to his socks in front of it. Maybe he does do that, though. Tucker’s just asking questions.
Tucker has a lot of viewers, though, and, sadly, mostly of them are people whose drooping gonads nobody wants to see, i.e., old white guys. It could get quite disgusting out there. Plus, we could be looking at an epidemic of scrotal skin cancer. All dermatologists will now have to ask their patients if they watch Tucker. If they say yes, then the skin docs will know that they have to check their testicles for melanoma.
It's the nutjob nut check.
Modern problems require modern solutions.