"Just two weeks ago I was pandering to my constituents by ordering the Texas National Guard to monitor a planned military exercise in our proud state because some of them are slobbering idiots who believed that this exercise, which takes place regularly, was a prelude to a takeover of the state by the federal government,." Governor Greg Abbott said. "Instead of pointing out that Texas already falls under the authority of the federal government and has since we got our noble Confederate asses handed to us in the Civil War, I went along with this unfounded fantasy and pretended to be on the lookout for a plot to impose a socialist dictatorship on Texas by force. As such, it would be the rankest hypocrisy for me to request any help from Washington in pumping Houston dry.
"In particular, don't send any vehicles marked with the insignia of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA. Texans firmly believe that the primary mission of FEMA is to build concentration camps in which Christian, gun-owning, gay-marriage opposing, non-socialist Americans will be imprisoned once Obama gets his New World Order ducks in a row. I guarantee you that your average freedom-loving Texan will dive into his flooded basement, grope for his submerged weapon in the swirling, murky flood waters and, however soggy his ammo, start open carrying vigilantly against any attempted incursion by FEMA. We don't care if you FEMA types have a sump pump the size of a Saturn rocket. Keep it to yourself. And you can keep your emergency bottles of fresh water, blankets and flashlights, too.
"To my fellow Texans who say to this, 'Hey, wait a minute. Our tax dollars paid for all those rescue choppers and amphibious vehicles and emergency shelters. Why shouldn't we use them?' I reply, we don't need them, because we have the power of prayer. You recall the example of the proud Governor before me, Rick Perry, who urged us all topray for the end of the drought we were having during his term in office. Well, we have only to look at Houston, which today looks like the Amazon basin, complete with piranhas flooded out of their aquariums and the occasional alligator, to see how powerfully God has answered those prayers. So now, my fellow Texans, I urge you to get on your knees, cast your eyes reverently to the rainclouds above you, AND PRAY TO GET OUR GOL-DURN DROUGHT BACK!"
Then I woke up and realized I had dreamed the entire press conference. Should have known it the second a politician started apologizing for being a hypocrite.