Not all scientists have refocused on the subject of publicly blowing cheese. As far as this column knows, no one has farted into the Large Hadron Collider. Yet. Or maybe they have. In fact, probably someone has, and the Effect of Digestive Gases on God Particles is currently being peer-reviewed.
But this less-ambitious study is the one you need to tape up on the fridge before you start discharging methane while your beloved is stirring up a casserole.
First off, the study claims farting gives you better breath. If you hold in a fart, all that unpleasant odor migrates north into your mouth. Playing a little butt-music prevents that. So when you discharge your colonic burden while your spouse is lying on the couch watching Hallmark movies, inform her that then is the perfect time for her to leap up and kiss you. See if that happens.
Farting is a sign of good health, these scientists say, and your wife should be happy that your diet is optimal, or at least be informed that she needs to start slipping larger doses of poison into your Captain Crunch every AM. We are not sure that this assertion is accurate, since the diet that turns our large intestines into Gatling guns consists of drive-thru Mexican food and dark beers, and has been widely criticized by some outside observers as distinctly unhealthy. It tastes better than mashed cauliflower, however, which is what these pious vegans eat in order to produce a ripper, so screw their opinions.
Farting is funny, and your spouse should get a kick out of it, these scientists claim. As humor specialists, we need to politely disagree here. Fart humor is exclusively male-bonding humor. Competitive farting is a sport dominated entirely by guys, and has been since Blazing Saddles was released. No woman wants to be the Serena Williams of gas bubbles. Your wife will never find your farts hysterical, especially if you tend to pop them at funeral services or wedding ceremonies.
Lastly, these science minds think you should point out that female farts smell worse than male farts. This is according to Michael D. Levitt, who has published 275 papers on flatulence, every one of which has pissed off his wife. No woman wants to have to say, “I'm married to the fart guy,” and Dr. Levitt is not one of those men who have to resort to wearing Crocs with socks, or belting his trousers six inches south of his nipples, to signal he is no longer interested in sex.
He's only interested in farting. Post that on Tumblr and see where it gets you.