Even as I write this, kids all across America are practicing how to shelter in place, what objects to hide behind that are bullet-resistant (refrigerators, brick pillars, particularly large gym teachers) and what objects are not (their desks, and door and classroom walls). They are learning how to watch after classmates that are bleeding to death. They are strapping on their bulletproof backpacks and working up their sprinting skills in the hope of being one of those kids standing crying at one of those clusters of candles, crosses and balloons, instead of being the kid whose last school picture is at the center of it.
In the meantime, though, what have you been doing to avoid being the victim of a shooting rampage yourself? Kidding yourself, probably. You’re saying, “Hey, all these other random shootings are just a fad. It’s a summer thing—they’ll go back to shooting up schools right after Labor Day.” Or saying “I know what to do if I’m exposed to random gunfire—stop, drop, and roll.”
No, you idiot—that’s if you set your clothes on fire smoking your crack pipe. Here are the recommendations set forth by the Surgeon General, the Department of Homeland Security, and other government officials that are surrounded at all times with professional armed security.
Don’t go to church, especially if you are a Muslim, a Jew, either a white or black Christian, or any other member of a religious minority, as these services tend to get shot up. Also, don’t be an atheist, because praying harder is the only way to stop the mass shooting epidemic. That’s according to Texas state representative Matt Schaeffer, who says that only God can cure depraved hearts and minds. “Pray for protection. Like you pray your wife isn’t pregnant after both of you got fubared on Jack and cokes and had raw dog sex again. Don’t rely on the leaky condom of gun control.” *
Don’t believe in evolution. This is according to Tony Perkins, who blames the absence of God, instead of the presence of murderers, in public schools for mass shootings. If you believe life evolved from random chance, the next logical step, in Perkins’ mind, is for you to become a random shooter. Believing that life came from dust=no mass shootings. Believing that life came from slime=carnage. Even though slime is usually just wet dust.
The gay. Stay away. This is Candice Keller, Republican state representative from Ohio’s advice, who sees a direct link between tolerance of homosexuality and active shooters. Also, porn, video games, Colin Kaepernick and recreational marijuana. So, if you spot a gay guy smoking weed and watching porn while playing a video game and harboring a crush on Colin Kaepernick, confiscate that AR-15 right out from underneath his gay bed.
All this is useful advice, but I would add stay out of Walmart. They’re about to change all those smiley-face Price Rollback guys into little Chinese-looking guys that say “Sorry—New Tariff” anyway. Also stay away from country-western concerts. Downtown nightlife districts. Garlic festivals. College campuses. Work, needless to say.
In fact, stay home. And keep your head low there.
*May not be an exact quote.