Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

Scrolling through the pages of Facebook last week in one of my many idle moments, I came across a plug for heavenornot.net. I had never heard of this web site, but realized right away it could prove profoundly useful. I’d like to know if I’m going to Heaven. I’d like to know if there is a Heaven, too, but the domain name presupposes that, I guess.
 
I clicked on the link. I expected detailed questions about masturbation, drinking, lust, church attendance and use of pornography. I freely acknowledge that I might rank among the lower percentile when tested in the religious SAT (Sin All Time) rankings, but you never know—I may be avoiding just enough sin to scrape into Heaven, and that would be cool with me. The bottom rung of the Hereafter would suit me just fine. I’ve always been a back of the class kind of guy.
 
At the very least I expected a quick quiz like the kind you always run across when you log into Zuckland. You know, one like “What Kind of Central American Tropical Insect Are You?” I did one of those the other day, and it turns out I’m a Costa Rican Hairy Caterpillar. Self-discovery is always worth the effort. At least I could find out if I’d be hanging with the Heavenly Hosts, Cherubim and Seraphim section, or if I’d be confined to one of the smaller eternal subgroups, like Philadelphia Sports Fans Who Aren’t Quite Shitty Enough for Hell.
 
Heavenornot.net turned out to be vastly disappointing. I don’t recommend it. One of the first lines you come across is “Many historians, as discoveries over time have increased, now believe the Bible to be the most reliable source of early world history.”
 
The Chinese and the Indians were already having history in Biblical times, and indigenous peoples had barreled across the Siberia-Alaska land bridge and were finishing up spreading to every corner of the Americas. This was happening in the world, and God was unaware of it, apparently, or ignoring it, or just being laser-focused on the Middle East, because that’s the only part of the world where the Bible can claim to be any kind of historical guide at all, and a sometimes dubious one at that.
 
The site rambles on about sin and Jesus, and how we were born with the first and must accept the second to have any chance at all at eternity, and concludes with an invitation to prayer. You can click a button that says “Yes, I Prayed,” or “No, I Still Have Questions.” There was no button that said, "I Prayed, But Nothing Happened." The addition of this option would improve the site immensely, in my opinion.

No matter what your response, you are invited to submit your email to heavenornot so you can receive what I expect is a barrage of solicitations for the salvation of your soul. Also, probably requests for money.
 
The site is just boring, nearly as boring as singing hosannas for all eternity. It’s the opposite of raptureready.com, which is hours of entertaining info about the imminent probability that you will be Left Behind. I recommend it highly.
 
But I gave them my email anyway. That way, when tragedies like train crashes in Ohio, or earthquakes in Syria strike, and the doubters among us start wailing, “Where is God?” I’ll have an answer for them.
 
He’s in my spam folder. 

The downing of two “unknown” objects over the far north has raised a question that, so far, that our cowardly politicians and mealy-mouthed military have failed to answer.
 
Are we shooting at Santa?
 
Those among the captive media who pooh-pooh this hypothesis by pointing out that it has been almost two months since Christmas, when Kris Kringle is sure to take to the Arctic skies, must be reminded of the North Pole’s need to maintain its preparedness for the holiday season. The popular view of Santa gorging himself on milk and cookies and cuddling with Mrs. Claus for all but one night a year is obviously a carefully cultivated image. Flying sleighs must be rigorously spot-checked. Just because they are magical does not mean they are not subject to maintenance schedules and fluid changes. They may very well have to be flown on a regular basis. And there may be more than one.
 
Not only the sleigh, but the reindeer must be kept in shape. Do you expect these small northern ungulates to pull a sleigh full of toys and goodies around the entire planet once a year if they spend the rest of it lounging around eating candy canes with elves and polar bears? Hell, no. They have to be worked into a lather at frequent intervals. The efforts of a thoroughbred at a racetrack are nothing compared to the stupendous mission of Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, et al, on Christmas Eve.
 
The authorities have kept this pretty buttoned up, but several ominous clues have emerged. One is that the mystery objects shot down were said to be “car -size.” Well, “car-size” is about the same as “sleigh-size,” isn’t it?
 
The other is that the downed objects “did not appear to have surveillance equipment.” Bullshit. He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. This is obviously a cover-up.
 
Be prepared for never seeing photos of the downed “objects,” because they are probably gruesome tableaus of fragments of a red suit trimmed in white fur scattered across the icy wilderness, together with a pitiful debris field of dolls, toy trains and Legos, a “test payload” of next year’s holiday season’s giving.
 
But all cover-ups collapse eventually. I don’t like Joe Biden’s re-election chances, though, if he has to stand before the nation and say the words no American wants to hear:
​
“There is no Santa Claus.”

Numerous Republican sources have reported that Joe Biden waited to knock the Chinese spy balloon out of the sky over the ocean because it was carrying another one of his son Hunter’s laptops, a laptop he had accidentally left at a repair shop in China while he was funneling funds to his father from the CCP.
 
None of these sources were willing to be publicly identified, but they were said to fall along the MGT—Matt Gaetz—Tucker Carlson wing of the party.
 
“Biden couldn’t risk downing the balloon over dry land and having the pulverized pieces of Hunter’s latest laptop put together by the New York Post,” hissed the Gateway Pundit.
 
To even hear even regular Republicans talk about it, he might as well have sent the spycraft a bouquet when he ordered a missile through its envelope.
 
Brave Tom Cotton said to FOX, “What began as a spy balloon has become a trial balloon testing President Biden’s strength and resolve, and unfortunately, the president failed that test. Of course, if he had downed it over Arkansas and crushed so much as a single meth lab, I’d be singing an entirely different tune.”
 
“This is all about China testing the American resolve,” Chris Sununu, who is coincidentally sometimes referred to as the New Hampshire Gasbag, said on "This Week" on ABC. “They know that tensions are escalating, and they want to see what kind of leadership we have. The president clearly failed on this one,” he added. “I just wish it could have been downed over my state. My constituents don’t mind being covered in radioactive soft noodles for the sake of national security.”
 
But, let’s face it--if Joe had climbed into a fighter jet himself, Independence Day style, and shot the spy balloon out of the sky fearlessly while it tried to slather him in death rays, Republicans would not be happy about his actions. They are annoyed because he followed expert advice (the Pentagon’s). This is not the Republican way, as exemplified by their treatment of the Center for Disease Control during the pandemic. The advice of people who think about certain problems and how to solve them full-time is to be cast aside in favor of the opinions of reality TV stars and country-western singers when it comes to a national crisis. People standing in their yards and emptying their AR-15’s uselessly at the sky are the real Americans, not our woke military and its billions of dollars’ worth of air-to-air-missiles, of which exactly one was used to pluck the spy balloon out of the heavens.
 
Apparently, Biden wanted to pop that sucker right away, but was counseled not to shoot it down over land, even when it was over Montana, where it would only possibly have killed a few a few sheep and survivalists when it fell. Or so he says. The haunting possibility that the President dunked the balloon deliberately in the drink in a calculated attempt to cover up the crimes, and possibly more naked pics, of himself and his kid renders this accomplished act of American self-defense in a sordid light.
 
The Republicans, ever paragons of forthrightness, would have shot it down over Atlanta, just for the sake of suppressing the black vote, I suspect, along with preserving the proof of Biden chicanery that the Chinese were so helpfully trying to ship them.
 
But we’ll never know for sure, now that the hard drive full of Biden crimes is melting hopelessly into the dead sargasso off the Carolina coast.
 
Next time, Xi, just use DoorDash.

As people with adequate credit ratings and a stable home address, myself and my life-partner-domestic-companion-main-squeeze, Nancy, receive more than our share of mail solicitations. She gets way more than me because she actually contributes to charities, whereas I remain a tough sell, also known in the donations industry as a “cheap bastard.”
 
Much of our daily mail consists of solicitations from a cornucopia of worthy causes, so many that if we contributed to them all, we would be living in a cardboard box under the freeway ourselves, and I would constantly be invited to get my own cardboard box, and find my own freeway, if I didn’t like it.
 
Before I threw yesterday’s batch of starving children and abandoned puppies in the trash, though, I noticed one item that was distinctly different than the others. It had a picture of the ex-Caucasian in Chief, in all his vulvic-necked glory on it, and it had “Pay to the Order of (her full name) $1100” visible on the outside of the envelope.
 
I sincerely doubted that Trump was sending 1100 smackeroos to my beloved and, on opening the missive, discovered that I was, as happens occasionally, not wrong. The 1100 bucks were a “credit voucher” towards the purchase of the MAGA Movement Coin Set, 24 “luxuriously layered in gold” coins, each “33 mm in diameter” (which is promptly translated as 1.3 inches, for those of you who are so core MAGA you regard the metric system as purely a libtard scam) enclosed in a “Free Premium Wooden Collector’s Box.”
 
Once the $1100 credit voucher is applied, the prospective buyer must cough up a measly 99 simoleons in order to own the whole package of base-metal, thinly coated with gold coins arranged on a cheap velvet-type material enclosed in artfully stained particle board, which can then be displayed in your home until Republicans take away half your Social Security, upon which it can be taken to your local pawn shop to be laughed at.
 
It is hardly necessary to say that Nancy will not be purchasing the 24 Piece MAGA Movement Collectors Set, not even if she gets higher than a Chinese spy balloon. She is far more likely to make a guest appearance on MILF Manor than to buy anything from Trump. In a way that is too bad, because we all need to be reminded of what Trump regarded as his triumphs, which included “Supporting America’s Veterans,” despite insulting Gold Star families and war heroes when it suited him, “Achieved Record-Setting American Economic Comeback,” even though the economy was fine when he started his term and teetering next to a cliff like Wile E Coyote when he ended it, and “Supported the Constitution,” except when he tried to overturn it.
 
Notable are missing coins, like “Built the Wall,” “Made Mexico Pay For It,” and “Repealed Obamacare.”
 
The whole project is designed to scam money out of the people he failed to scam money out of with his NFT fraud, not because they wish to not be scammed, but because they don’t understand NFT’s.
 
Hey, maybe he mailed it to the right house after all.