“God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent. Earthquakes and eclipses and many more things to come. I pray that our country listens,” the Republican from Georgia warned.--News Item
Abiding by a tradition that goes back to the first juju man extorting the first tribe that dropped out of the trees in Africa to quiver in fear at the first eclipse observed by humans, by telling them the Sun God was going to disappear forever unless he (the juju man) got an extra ration of bananas, Greene promptly blamed the astronomical alignment on the fury of God at the American tribe. She threw in the New York earthquake as a sign of the Big Guy getting testy with us as well, even though it was only a 4 point something china-cabinet rattler and not a fracture-cleaving, tsunami swamping real earthquake like many other parts of the world experience.
So, is the eclipse/earthquake a true end-of-the-world event, or just a shoulder shrug from the Alpha and the Omega? MGT is ready for the worst. Not as ready as some conspiracy theorists, who predict the eclipse will usher in a “massive human sacrifice event.”
The duration of eclipse totality averages about four minutes along its path. No matter how well-organized a genocidal maniac you may be, it’s tough to sacrifice that many humans in four minutes, especially using traditional methods of human sacrifice, like obsidian knives or throwing your victims in a volcano.
After a few shots of Wild Turkey, Greene opened up about the “Biden Eclipse,” as she referred to it. “It’s coming north across the border from Mexico, and Biden, like he does with all illegal, diseased, terrorist immigrants, is letting it right into our country. With all of the other Biden-caused problems in America, like inflation, Tik-Tok, and Beyoncé going country, is now the time for an eclipse?
“Biden thinks so, apparently, because he did nothing to stop it happening, and it’s easy to see why. Transgenderism flourishes during an eclipse. When the arc of darkness passes over the earth, drag queens will rush out of the bushes and put on shows for children. Libraries will take advantage of the dusk to re-stock their shelves with copies of “Heather Has Two Mommies.”
“Antifa's will emerge from the shadows, so it’s important that freedom-loving Americans open-carry during the eclipse. Eclipse glasses—sure, you can wear them, but don’t jam them in a pocket that you might need for a spare clip of ammo. Standing your ground when darkness sweeps across the land is the only sure way to keep Biden from turning the eclipse into a win for socialism.
“And pray. Loudly, and on Twitter if possible. Pray that God will see a line of fine, upstanding armed English-speaking Americans praising Him during the eclipse instead of a bunch of fentanyl smuggling Mexicans using the cover of darkness to scurry across the border like plague rats, and allow us to continue to exist as His most favored nation, with only the occasional mild earthquake or inevitable astronomical event that we Republicans can use to make our voters shit themselves with fear and send in more campaign contributions like the Bible commands them to do. Amen.”
Somebody send her some bananas.
Abiding by a tradition that goes back to the first juju man extorting the first tribe that dropped out of the trees in Africa to quiver in fear at the first eclipse observed by humans, by telling them the Sun God was going to disappear forever unless he (the juju man) got an extra ration of bananas, Greene promptly blamed the astronomical alignment on the fury of God at the American tribe. She threw in the New York earthquake as a sign of the Big Guy getting testy with us as well, even though it was only a 4 point something china-cabinet rattler and not a fracture-cleaving, tsunami swamping real earthquake like many other parts of the world experience.
So, is the eclipse/earthquake a true end-of-the-world event, or just a shoulder shrug from the Alpha and the Omega? MGT is ready for the worst. Not as ready as some conspiracy theorists, who predict the eclipse will usher in a “massive human sacrifice event.”
The duration of eclipse totality averages about four minutes along its path. No matter how well-organized a genocidal maniac you may be, it’s tough to sacrifice that many humans in four minutes, especially using traditional methods of human sacrifice, like obsidian knives or throwing your victims in a volcano.
After a few shots of Wild Turkey, Greene opened up about the “Biden Eclipse,” as she referred to it. “It’s coming north across the border from Mexico, and Biden, like he does with all illegal, diseased, terrorist immigrants, is letting it right into our country. With all of the other Biden-caused problems in America, like inflation, Tik-Tok, and Beyoncé going country, is now the time for an eclipse?
“Biden thinks so, apparently, because he did nothing to stop it happening, and it’s easy to see why. Transgenderism flourishes during an eclipse. When the arc of darkness passes over the earth, drag queens will rush out of the bushes and put on shows for children. Libraries will take advantage of the dusk to re-stock their shelves with copies of “Heather Has Two Mommies.”
“Antifa's will emerge from the shadows, so it’s important that freedom-loving Americans open-carry during the eclipse. Eclipse glasses—sure, you can wear them, but don’t jam them in a pocket that you might need for a spare clip of ammo. Standing your ground when darkness sweeps across the land is the only sure way to keep Biden from turning the eclipse into a win for socialism.
“And pray. Loudly, and on Twitter if possible. Pray that God will see a line of fine, upstanding armed English-speaking Americans praising Him during the eclipse instead of a bunch of fentanyl smuggling Mexicans using the cover of darkness to scurry across the border like plague rats, and allow us to continue to exist as His most favored nation, with only the occasional mild earthquake or inevitable astronomical event that we Republicans can use to make our voters shit themselves with fear and send in more campaign contributions like the Bible commands them to do. Amen.”
Somebody send her some bananas.
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