Wearing a dress. 'Nuff said The Timberlake Christian School of Lynchburg, Virginia, has informed one of its students, eight-year old Sunnie Kahle, that her usual appearance "did not conform to Biblical standards" because Sunnie wore pants instead of dresses and liked to play rough in the schoolyard. They told Sunnie she'd better start coming to school wearing dresses. Miffed, Sunnie's grandparents, who are raising the child, withdrew Sunnie from Christian school.
At first glance, the persecution of Sunnie seems like an act of mindless intolerance, but let us look at it from a Christian point of view. A Christian school, where the students are busy every day learning what they should or should not think, is no place where the spectacle of an undergrown lesbian can be tolerated.
The most obvious reason that Sunnie got the boot out the door of Timberlake was the reason stated. Her regular uniform of pants did not conform to Biblical standards because Jesus usually wore a dress. 'Nuff said. Whether Sunnie's rough and tumble ways might have been appreciated more in Biblical times, where a sturdy, butch eight-year old might have beeen more useful to her people while they were camping out for forty years in the desert or storming Jericho or just enjoying a plague of locusts than an Old Testament "girly-girl" is not relevant here. The words of the Bible, or at least all the pictures inspired by the words of the Bible, show us clearly that Our Savior wore no pants, and neither should Sunnie.
But the Christian case does not rest solely on Biblical precedents, sturdy as they may be. The school sent a letter to Sunnie's grampies in which it said it was against:
"Condoning or supporting sexual immorality; practicing homosexual lifestyle or alternative gender; promoting such practices; or otherwise having the inability to support the moral principles of the school."
This paragraph shows clearly that Timberlake knows it is living here, in the present, the teen years of the third millennium since Jesus told us He was coming back to end the world in glory, even though we're still twiddling our thumbs waiting for that. Even as short a time ago as the 1950's, Hollywood was fond of depicting "tomboys," girls who could fight Indians or shoot mountain lions out of trees as well as boys, rough, scruffy females like Sunnie. These girls, however, only needed the touch of a special lad to immediately abandon baseball or bullfighting, throw on an apron and starting baking pies.
Nowadays we know better. "Tomboy" is just a code term for "proto-lesbian." Sunnie is only a few years away from having the same "roommate" for all four years of college, downloading all the tracks the Indigo Girls have ever recorded, and becoming a helicopter mechanic or a deputy sheriff.
You might think that sexual immorality would be beyond the reach of an 8 year-old, but once again the Christian school has the better of us in reasoning. It is never too soon to rip the monster of lust out of its hidden place, throw it on the school cafeteria tiles and stomp on it frantically like it was some kind of weird, mind-controlling protoplasm from a science fiction movie. Every time Sunnie tackles a Christian boy in the schoolyard while playing football, crushing his immature genitals into the gravel, a good Christian knows in his or her heart that child gets closer to the day he will start downloading lesbian porn to alleviate his shame.
It is also reported that Sunnie fields questions about her gender with aplomb. The other children regularly ask her if she is a boy or a girl, in the direct way of children. That they should be forced to do this, before learning the proper adult way to deal with an androgynous person, which is to point at them and speculate while smirking to conceal laughter, is another reason Sunnie has to hit the road.
That Sunnie does not belong in a Christian environment is obvious already, even before we mention that the very fact of her existence violates the deeply held Christian principle that she is choosing to be lesbian. Her grandparents must be Christians themselves, because they wouldn't have jammed her into Timberlake if they were not, so it is highly unlikely that they are filling her baby mind with gay indoctrination. She is too young to be seduced by her high-school gym teacher, or to wake up from a drunken sorority party next to a woman who has just fulfilled her in countless ways that a man will never be able to duplicate, or to take enough molly that she finds herself in the middle of a grinding, all-girl orgy that she wishes would never end, or any of the other ways women normally make the choice to become lesbians.
She is not a man-hater. Eight year-olds having different things to hate, like fractions, going all winter without getting a snow day and being put to bed early so the adults in the house can watch HBO.
She's just here. She might grow up to be queer. Get rid of her. Amen.
Author's Completely Unrelated Note: I just found out that last Saturday was National Cleavage Day, so in honor of my readers who collect arcane daily festivities and also those who just like cleavage, here's a link to a celebratory page:
At first glance, the persecution of Sunnie seems like an act of mindless intolerance, but let us look at it from a Christian point of view. A Christian school, where the students are busy every day learning what they should or should not think, is no place where the spectacle of an undergrown lesbian can be tolerated.
The most obvious reason that Sunnie got the boot out the door of Timberlake was the reason stated. Her regular uniform of pants did not conform to Biblical standards because Jesus usually wore a dress. 'Nuff said. Whether Sunnie's rough and tumble ways might have been appreciated more in Biblical times, where a sturdy, butch eight-year old might have beeen more useful to her people while they were camping out for forty years in the desert or storming Jericho or just enjoying a plague of locusts than an Old Testament "girly-girl" is not relevant here. The words of the Bible, or at least all the pictures inspired by the words of the Bible, show us clearly that Our Savior wore no pants, and neither should Sunnie.
But the Christian case does not rest solely on Biblical precedents, sturdy as they may be. The school sent a letter to Sunnie's grampies in which it said it was against:
"Condoning or supporting sexual immorality; practicing homosexual lifestyle or alternative gender; promoting such practices; or otherwise having the inability to support the moral principles of the school."
This paragraph shows clearly that Timberlake knows it is living here, in the present, the teen years of the third millennium since Jesus told us He was coming back to end the world in glory, even though we're still twiddling our thumbs waiting for that. Even as short a time ago as the 1950's, Hollywood was fond of depicting "tomboys," girls who could fight Indians or shoot mountain lions out of trees as well as boys, rough, scruffy females like Sunnie. These girls, however, only needed the touch of a special lad to immediately abandon baseball or bullfighting, throw on an apron and starting baking pies.
Nowadays we know better. "Tomboy" is just a code term for "proto-lesbian." Sunnie is only a few years away from having the same "roommate" for all four years of college, downloading all the tracks the Indigo Girls have ever recorded, and becoming a helicopter mechanic or a deputy sheriff.
You might think that sexual immorality would be beyond the reach of an 8 year-old, but once again the Christian school has the better of us in reasoning. It is never too soon to rip the monster of lust out of its hidden place, throw it on the school cafeteria tiles and stomp on it frantically like it was some kind of weird, mind-controlling protoplasm from a science fiction movie. Every time Sunnie tackles a Christian boy in the schoolyard while playing football, crushing his immature genitals into the gravel, a good Christian knows in his or her heart that child gets closer to the day he will start downloading lesbian porn to alleviate his shame.
It is also reported that Sunnie fields questions about her gender with aplomb. The other children regularly ask her if she is a boy or a girl, in the direct way of children. That they should be forced to do this, before learning the proper adult way to deal with an androgynous person, which is to point at them and speculate while smirking to conceal laughter, is another reason Sunnie has to hit the road.
That Sunnie does not belong in a Christian environment is obvious already, even before we mention that the very fact of her existence violates the deeply held Christian principle that she is choosing to be lesbian. Her grandparents must be Christians themselves, because they wouldn't have jammed her into Timberlake if they were not, so it is highly unlikely that they are filling her baby mind with gay indoctrination. She is too young to be seduced by her high-school gym teacher, or to wake up from a drunken sorority party next to a woman who has just fulfilled her in countless ways that a man will never be able to duplicate, or to take enough molly that she finds herself in the middle of a grinding, all-girl orgy that she wishes would never end, or any of the other ways women normally make the choice to become lesbians.
She is not a man-hater. Eight year-olds having different things to hate, like fractions, going all winter without getting a snow day and being put to bed early so the adults in the house can watch HBO.
She's just here. She might grow up to be queer. Get rid of her. Amen.
Author's Completely Unrelated Note: I just found out that last Saturday was National Cleavage Day, so in honor of my readers who collect arcane daily festivities and also those who just like cleavage, here's a link to a celebratory page:
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